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Original poster

Issues with bf sticking up for ex

227 replies

Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 09:15

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

OP posts:
TOFO1965 · 25/08/2020 10:39

I knew you'd be pillioried for this post. I think I understand what you're trying to say as it is deeply frustrating when your partner won't quite move on from the ex and defends what is to you her unreasonable behaviour. I suspect you're not jealous of her as such, rather fed up of his endless sweetness and light about her. That dynamic between them will likely not change, so you need to decide if you can live with it. I have a horrible feeling that you'll grow ever more resentful as it's not an easy thing to suck up. The abortion aspect of this is unfortunate, neither you nor your boyfriend should be privy to this information, it's nothing to do with either of you and you have no right to an opinion on it.

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:40

Basically, what is happening on this thread is what happens with you and your bf. You are calling this woman names, and we are defending her...

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:41

@Menora that’s exactly what I do now unfortunately, go over and over the list to try and remind him of everything she has done whilst he continues making lame excuses for her! It’s current issues that make me re iterate all she’s done in the past I guess. I just don’t understand how he can not see what type of person she is, or see her terrible behaviours towards his DS. It’s total frustration.

OP posts:
Menora · 25/08/2020 10:44

It’s a jealously but not in the sense of thinking he’s going back to her, but a jealousy and more like an envy of the position she has in his life that isn’t changing no matter what you say or do. And the more you do it, the more you become the enemy and then you will feel more frustrated (envious).

You assumed that he would suddenly see the light about her once he was with you - his guiding light about moral right/wrong, better parent than her.

He’s got more to lose by falling out with her than he does with you. If you split up you just cut ties and you know that her position in his life is different as he has a child and he’s not going to do that. Hence, envy

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:44

What vindictive things has she done?

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:45

@Sunshine09876

If you are actually giving him a list then I’m sorry but you are being cruel and abusive. This is really awful. Stop doing it to him. Can you imagine a woman posting here if a man did this to his girlfriend? It’s abuse

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:45

I get what you're saying OP but I don't understand why you need to bring it up all the time. Yes she cheated, yes that's horrible, no it's not okay. But why are you still bringing it up 2 years later. Just get over it, your BF clearly has.

It comes across that you just want to bitch about this woman and are annoyed because your partner won't join in. Just concentrate on you and your partner and leave her to do whatever. It's not your problem.

I get it, my husbands ex can be a right pain in the arse sometimes over stuff to do with the kids and I may every now and again comment on it to my husband but not weekly for goodness sake. I know what kind of person she is now, it doesn't surprise me nor my DH anymore so what's the point in me constantly bringing it up. I just roll my eyes now.

I also think it sounds a little like jealousy too. You don't want his family to feel sorry for her, you don't want your partner to stick up for her. You want everyone to hate her and are annoyed because they don't.

Why don't you try just not commenting on any of this stuff for a bit and see if it helps your arguments. I bet it does.

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2020 10:45

I don’t think you’re going to get over this op, sadly for you, so it’s really just a question of if it bothers you enough to end it first or if you wait till he does it.

You’re not listening to anyone on here, you won’t listen to him and you’re at the stage you’re somewhat obsessed now with her.

She’s the mother of his child. He needs to co parent with her. He won’t go down the road of slagging her off to you, no matter how often you raise it, how often you list her past behaviours, how poorly you judge her, how vile you are about her, or desperately you need him to slag her off.

He’s doing the right thing. Either accept it or end it, or continue as is till he ends it.

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:47

So she’s late to pick up child and you bring up her 2 year ago abortion? You are honestly coming across as a horrible person. You are a mother, your example to your children should be how to move on from issues and things you can control and resolve them. Not bully someone into agreeing with you

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:48

@Menora I don’t believe it’s envy either. Like I said more a frustration that he still isn’t seeing her for what she is 2 years later. Even when she isnt the best parent to his DS he still can’t see it.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 25/08/2020 10:49

He sounds like a decent guy. He has forgiven her for cheating on him and accepts his role in the relationship failing. He is able to emphasise with the emotional trauma women have to deal with when having terminations and he doesn't judge her for her decision. He co-parents well by the sound of things. He hasn't defaulted to branding his ex as a crazy lady as is so often the case.

You could learn a lot from him if only you could get over your own insecurities but I doubt you will.

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:49

You are describing envy. Over and over. She should not have what she has as she doesn’t deserve it. You are envious of the fact she has done things and ‘got away with them’. It boils your blood.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:50

@ravenmum are u kidding me? She cheated and had an abortion whilst living under his house. Then lied and said she didn’t, but he knew she would lie so he took a picture of the paperwork and conversations he had found with her and her now bf. She made out she was hard done by to his family because she had to find a new home yet she cheated.

OP posts:
Serendipity79 · 25/08/2020 10:50

He's trying to be kind about the mother of his child and you're listing out constantly all her misdemeanours (in your eyes) and getting mad because he wont bitch about her with you? Wow. Just wow.

I can only imagine how the DS must be feeling if he's caught up in this. He'll be witnessing this, and it could be colouring his attitude towards his mum. He could also be going there and telling her how horrible you are about her - as much as people claim the kids never overhear anything, that's nonsense if its a constant discussion point with you and your DP.

He doesn't have to hate her in order to love you. But this wont last if you continue as you are - I suspect you'll do it once too often and he'll tell you to go away. There is nothing attractive about a person who spends their time obsessing over the exes ex rather than enjoying their relationship.

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:50

and we are defending her...

I'm not even necessarily defending her (apart from about the abortion, that really isn't OPs business).

I just don't see what the need to constantly go over it with OPs partner is.

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:51

envy: a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.

BigBadVoodooHat · 25/08/2020 10:51

You need to find a way to let go of this bitterness, or envy, or whatever it is.

It's clearly eating you up. You cannot make your OH act or feel the way you have decided he should act or feel.

It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do, or how you feel about it or what you believe is the 'correct' stance for your OH to take. It won't change anything that happened, and no one is obliged to take your perspective on anything.

Really, get over it. You're coming across as very controlling. "It" is not causing issues. You are causing issues.

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:52

[quote Sunshine09876]@ravenmum are u kidding me? She cheated and had an abortion whilst living under his house. Then lied and said she didn’t, but he knew she would lie so he took a picture of the paperwork and conversations he had found with her and her now bf. She made out she was hard done by to his family because she had to find a new home yet she cheated.[/quote]
For goodness sake OP, she didn't cheat on you. Just get over it now. It's been 2 years. Your BF has moved on with you, she has moved on with her now BF. The only one who seems unable to move on (from something that didn't even happen to you) is you!

I'm not saying what she did was okay but just get over it now. Jesus.

unmarkedbythat · 25/08/2020 10:52

You aren't presenting yourself well here, op, at all. Other women's pregnancies and abortions are nothing to do with you whatsoever. Your obsession with this woman and what your ex thinks of her
is somewhat alarming and if I were your partner I'd be wondering who the heck I was mixed up with. You repeatedly go over a list of things you think she has done wrong in a sustained attempt to diminish his sympathy for an ex? There's something very, very unpleasant about your behaviour here and it is probably worth considering getting some help.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:52

@Menora no I do not bring up the abortion if she is late picking the child up, for some reason u seem so set on trying to make me look a bad person when it really isn’t the case.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 10:53

@Menora

You are describing envy. Over and over. She should not have what she has as she doesn’t deserve it. You are envious of the fact she has done things and ‘got away with them’. It boils your blood.
This.

Also do you know how unbelievably unattractive it is to listen to someone speak about another person with the level of vitriol you do, dripping with judgement and hatefulness?

You're obsessed with another woman 'getting away with' having an abortion without the man involved knowing. Can you hear how hateful that is?

What if she deeply regretted cheating, is ashamed of doing so, found the abortion traumatic and worries about how her partner would react as he would be upset / angry etc? You're using that worry of hers as a stick to beat her with to your partner. If I was him I would be pretty disgusted at listening to that.

Her termination is absolutely nothing to do with you and frankly it's weird you're fixated on wanting your partner to respond in a particular way to it.

You sound like a bully.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/08/2020 10:53

OP you sound way over-invested in someone else's perceived 'crimes'. If you don't want your bf to keep defending her for moral choices you disagree with, stop bringing it up. Rise above it. Make like Elsa and let it go. You're not coming off as the bigger person here, and that's probably why lots of PP think you're jealous.

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:54

"Vindictive" means that you want to get revenge on someone. So if Bob had an affair, and Bob's wife smashed the windows on his car, then that's the wife being vindictive.
You just mean "horrible" or something by the sound of it.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:54

The issue is he complains to me about her, says how disgusted he is that she’s dumped DS off, or left him on the iPad etc. But then as soon as I say my opinion on her he stands up for her. This is my issue. He will slag her off to me constantly but as soon as I say something about her he defends her. Totally frustrating.

OP posts:
OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:55

Maybe your partner just wants to get on with his life now without constantly being reminded by you about things he can't change. He has a child with his ex, he has to get on with her on some level, maybe he's just trying to do that.

What good would it do your partner or his son for him to hate his ex with as much passion as you appear to want him to? It wouldn't do anyone any good. He quite clearly just wants to get on with it without it being brought up all the time.

I would find this really annoying if my partner was like this about my ex. It's like you're obsessed.