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Original poster

Issues with bf sticking up for ex

227 replies

Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 09:15

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

OP posts:
LunaJuna · 25/08/2020 17:40

You are constantly reminding him of her shitty behaviour because you want to be told by him and his family how much better than her you are.

Do you actually love him or is it just becoming a competition game that you don't want to lose ?

It all sounds toxic ...

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2020 18:22

Doesn't sound like baiting to me. Sounds like he's trying to have do an adult conversation with his partner

But it feels that way to her, because she also clearly feels very frustrated by the issue (more so than him and perhaps excessively), I think that's very frustrating territory for him to keep bringing it up but expect her not to come out with anything negative back, knowing her feelings on it. An adult conversation would be open to being two way

baileys6904 · 25/08/2020 19:29

How two way does a vent need to be??? A bait would be "ohhh how shit is she as a mum" and then defending her when given no answer. A vent is letting off steam with no need for reply or interaction and getting on with their lives.

At of the day, 10 years forward and I can say that approach did me no wrong

Twobigsapphires · 25/08/2020 20:22

I feel sorry for my exdh as he’s a bit of a loner, will never be happy, is irresponsible with money and due to issues from his childhood will probably never hold down a relationship / continually drive people away.

He treated me pretty shit for half of our marriage, but deep down he’s a good man and we had happy times. He is also the father of my children so I will never say a bad word in front of my dc about him, and would stick up for him if his bad points were constantly thrown in my face all the time.

His ex can’t be all bad, as he had a dc with her. At one point she may even have been an amazing wife and they were happy. Maybe he’s just trying to see the good side of her? I’m sure he knows she’s a cheat and a liar, he doesn’t need you to keep reminding him surely? I’d be pissed off of my Dh kept on and on about my exdh. And as for you even being interested in her past mistakes like her abortion, why would you even care how she treats / treated her current dp? That’s his problem. You can’t judge their relationship or what her reasons where for lying or having an abortion.

YgritteSnow · 25/08/2020 20:29

Maybe he compares the two of you and realises her likes her better because she didn't keep ranting obsessively and ordering him to share her opinion on his exes when they were together?

user1481840227 · 25/08/2020 20:30

[quote Sunshine09876]@ravenmum are u kidding me? She cheated and had an abortion whilst living under his house. Then lied and said she didn’t, but he knew she would lie so he took a picture of the paperwork and conversations he had found with her and her now bf. She made out she was hard done by to his family because she had to find a new home yet she cheated.[/quote]
It's obviously not great behaviour but you're coming at it from the I hate her angle so you are making everything sound worse.

She cheated. The person who was cheated on seems to have understood why it happened..You weren't in the relationship so you don't know what she was feeling at the time.

What do you mean whilst living under his house?? They were living together as a family. It was the family house also at that point then so that point is irrelevant.

She had an abortion. Her choice. A pregnancy that occured because of the cheating. Getting pregnant and having an abortion doesn't make it a bigger crime or her a worse person.
As for lying about it......it was found out as she moving out of the house almost a year later.....they were split up a long time then so she probably had multiple personal reasons for denying it, don't know why the hell your partner would take a picture of the paperwork when she was moving out, that's just weird.

Maybe she did feel hard done by for various reasons. It doesn't sound like you're willing to try to understand any of them anyway, despite your partner and his family understanding them.

Your partner is the problem, not this woman. If she's that bad of a mother then he should be trying his best to protect this child, that's a parents job.

You just sound like you hate her more and more because of the way your partner treats her....her actions and behaviour and past actions wouldn't be that relevant if your partner was behaving in the way you wanted!!!

Janejones12 · 25/08/2020 20:35

All abortions are traumatic
Nobody enjoys them
I think he sounds a decent compassionate guy. I also think you are scared he has feelings for her because he wont criticise her

borntohula · 25/08/2020 20:51

Would never let my boyfriend's ex take up this much headspace. I've stuck up for my ex (father of my DC) to an extent before and he's done REALLY bad stuff.

Cheeseandwin5 · 26/08/2020 09:52

@baileys6904

Totally agree with your stance here.

The OP's ex has alot of stresses, his partner cheated on him and aborted a child of another man whilst they were in a relationship ( albeit that relationship was almost dead)

Sometimes I want my partner to listen, I don't want him to advise or fix it, to judge or anything else, but just listen. I want to be able to get things off my chest and say things that don't make sense just to exorcise them.

I am surprised that this seems like a new concept to ppl on here.

forumdonkey · 26/08/2020 11:12

Your poor DP found out his wife was having an affair and got pregnant to the OM. Every time he has a grumble about her you remind him of it and what she did. Why do you think he needs you to remind him that she cheated on him? Do you think he's forgotten? How do you think it makes him feel that you continually churn it up and go over it all again. IMO, it's you he's pissed off with and your continued need to go through every single point she did to hurt him.

You also said that his family do the same and stick up for her. Why are they having to do that - is it because you regularly feel the need to put her down and slag her off?

As a mother, how would you feel if your childrens new step mother questioned your parenting or slagged you off to anyone who'd listen? You don't say your situation regarding your DC'S father or his current relationship status, but it might happen to you yet.

Soontobe60 · 26/08/2020 11:16

@Sunshine09876

My bother is him continually feeling sorry for her and sticking up for her. I feel like it’s really bad that her boyfriend doesn’t know she aborted his child. Yet my boyfriend makes excuses for her 2 years on.
It’s none of your business. It sounds like you’re constantly talking about it with him. Let it go!
BoggledBudgie · 26/08/2020 11:35

You sound utterly vile

Rainagain72 · 26/08/2020 11:40

Op, does your boyfriend constantly bring up the way his ex treated him or is it you? If he regularly goes on about his past in an obsessive manner then I can see how he has over-involved you...if he doesn’t and just wants to move on then let him. If he has gripes about how is ex is with his child now then let him vent about this if need be without dragging his and her past into it...while present concerns might affect you, the way she behaved in the past doesn’t and is none of your business unless he’s still over sharing about it which he shouldn’t be two years on.

Decentsalnotime · 26/08/2020 11:46

He was with her for many years presumably?
He has a child with her
His family have known her for many years

All of them like and care and stick up for her.

You know her the least and for the least amount of time.

roarfeckingroarr · 26/08/2020 11:50

Why are you putting him in a position where he needs to defend her? Stop attacking the poor woman. He sounds like a decent person. You, less so.

roarfeckingroarr · 26/08/2020 12:05

[quote Sunshine09876]@backseatcookers he will mention his frustrations but then when I voice my opinon on it he then turns into defend mode... I’ve backtracked nothing![/quote]
Yes but why voice your judgmental opinions? Stay out of it

Penguinnn · 26/08/2020 12:19

It’s really none of your business at all.

Penguinnn · 26/08/2020 12:20

And what is the point of this thread? Would it make you feel better if we all piled on and started slagging off this poor woman who had an abortion for whatever reasons she felt she had to? Just concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2020 13:55

A bait would be "ohhh how shit is she as a mum" and then defending her when given no answer.

Exactly, that's basically what OP has described. Tbh I can't be bothered to keep going back and forth on this too many times, it's obvious that OP has a lot to answer for herself, I just disagree with you on the fine point that it isn't a dick move to vent to someone about something you know full well really winds them up too, and expect them not to say anything back. It's very clear that OP could do with a chance to vent about it too, so expecting her to listen, think about all the things that annoy her about the situation, but keep quiet, is selfish. The issues surrounding my partner's ex and their son are annoying enough to deal with without being expected to listen to my partner moan about them but for some reason, not be allowed to let off steam in the same way.

You keep saying it's worked fine for you but it isn't in this case, because presumably unlike your DP, OP does find the subject very aggravating. It's all very well everyone saying OP shouldn't be giving it any headspace, which is true, but that is a much harder task if she's also expected to be a sounding board for her partner to vent about it. It's much easier to remove yourself emotionally from a situation if you're not listening to someone vent about it all the time. If she's going to disengage, which she should, he needs to accept that and allow her to.

Venting is all well and good if it doesn't cost the other person emotionally to keep going over the subject, but selfish if it does, as in this case. It's not her problem or responsibility to spare a thought about any of this, yet it's getting her down, and that's on him. She would benefit from having space from it all whilst he deals with his responsibilities.

baileys6904 · 26/08/2020 14:32

Right so by your way of thinking, he's meant to hold all this in, not discuss it with her, and just deal with it and his feelings by himself with no support??
And voila we have a reason that male suicides are at a worrying level.

@Cheeseandwin5 you put it far better than me!

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2020 14:41

Just find someone else with less baggage. Why do this to yourself? Your relationship sounds awful.

SoulofanAggron · 26/08/2020 14:41

A bait would be "ohhh how shit is she as a mum" and then defending her when given no answer.

Exactly, that's basically what OP has described.

@aSofaNearYou No, OP doesn't describe him as asking for her opinions.

GinGinHooray · 26/08/2020 15:04

Does he always defend her because you are always attacking her and slagging her off?

Stop judging her, step away from your opinions of her. Just maintain a moral high-ground by being the best version of yourself you can be.

What other people think of her is irrelevant to you.

SandyY2K · 26/08/2020 15:19

2 years I have listened to his blatant excuses for her poor parenting and shocking behaviour. It’s wearing thin now.

Then you best end the relationship. Simple!

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2020 15:28

Right so by your way of thinking, he's meant to hold all this in, not discuss it with her, and just deal with it and his feelings by himself with no support??

That is exactly what you are telling OP to do, and she is clearly far from the headspace to do it. The healthy thing would be for her to disengage, which isn't going to happen by opening up rants with her. I know this first hand, the easiest way for her to chill about these things, because it can be very frustrating being a step parent watching people handle the situation differently to how you would but know you have no control over it, would be to not talk about them or dedicate energy to thinking about them, and simply enjoy the fact that it isn't her responsibility to deal with.

Obviously her "rants" take things too far, and she needs to take ownership of that, but he isn't helping things.