Issues with bf sticking up for ex

[Sunshine09876]

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

She cheated, had an abortion yet this is still nothing to do with you.

It’s her body and she chose to have an abortion,not sure what your problem is with that.

As for your partner being understanding well maybe that’s because he is being an adult and has moved on.

You are backtracking and getting so angry because we have pointed it out. We are going on what you have written here and it’s changing because you have backed yourself into a corner when you realised you are bullying your DP over this and you have turned it back onto him.

Absolute lack of insight into any of your own behaviour is a huge red flag and likely your own RS with your ex is poor too. It’s all about her and him and you are an innocent bystander caught in the middle? You aren’t. We choose our relationships but we don’t choose our parents.

And not once have you said one nice thing about this man, you are equally angry with him. You don’t say you love him or why you are even with him, you just are so angry with his inability to see things your way. This is why people feel sorry for him and ‘defending’ the ex. Commenting on her abortion is truly cruel and mean.

I think you would benefit from some anger management perhaps, if you have difficulty controlling your emotions and feelings you could get some counselling

@Menora yes exactly! You've explained it perfectly, that's exactly how I feel, I am invested in my ex being okay as my child is. I care about my ex as my child does. I want the best for my ex because that means the best for my child. I have a soft spot for him and always will as I see him be such an amazing dad to our child. Whereas with any other ex, I really don't care, wouldn't wish them bad, but don't care.

[quote Sunshine09876]@backseatcookers he will mention his frustrations but then when I voice my opinon on it he then turns into defend mode... I’ve backtracked nothing![/quote]
So you just say 'that is frustrating, shall I make a cup of tea'? You know what reaction you'll get if you join in yet you keep doing it. What's that well know Einstein quote again?
If you choose not to engage then you won't have to keep going through your checklist of her past transgressions and maybe she'll start to take up less space in your head.

I think the more posts I read from you the more insecure I think you are about her. Her actions were before you and you need to get over it (which is not easy I know) before this jealousy and insecurity becomes a huge challenge in your relationship.

If the child doesn't want to see his mom then it's your partners role to get to the bottom of the reason why and build back that relationship. Cutting off contact fully would be disastrous for that child and should only ever be considered if the child is in danger.

You don't have to like her, but for your step sons sake you need to try to work with her to achieve a stable environment for him. And the start of doing that is stop holding a grudge about a past that isn't yours.

Because most of u on here are ex wives/gf’s who feel superior right?

Nope. I'm a current wife (first wife actually) my DH has an ex who he shares a child with, and I currently am pregnant with our first together. I have no skin in the 'ex wives' game as you want to suggest.

I just don't think you are helping yourself here. You need to just accept that your boyfriend doesn't agree with your opinion on his ex. If he is the one bringing it up then tell him to stop as you aren't interested in hearing it. You need to move on from this for your own sanity.

I've already said, I get it. My husband's ex can be difficult at times and I don't always agree with her on everything but there is no point tying myself up in knots over it, she won't change, I can't change anything that happened in the past nor can my husband so we just have to get on with it. If she does something I don't agree with now I just roll my eyes because I know what she's like sometimes. There's no use to anyone me ranting on to my husband about it, he knows too. It's just the way it is.

It is toxic to keep going over this, you will only ruin your own relationship and then blame her I imagine for that too. Just accept he has a bit of a difficult ex in his life and if you can cope with that then just get on with your own stuff and ignore it. If you don't think you can then leave. She isn't going anywhere. This is not helpful to you or your boyfriend or his son.

Tell your boyfriend to stop bringing it up if he does again.

@Menora Hahahaha I do not need any kind of anger management or counselling thanks for you’re input though. Neither have I backtracked on anything I’ve said I never said I cause all the arguments I said I get frustrated at him defending her. Like I said I believe you have way to much time on you’re hands posting crap on OP’s things because I’ve just read through some of them. Maybe instead of dishing out advice to others you should get a hobby? Or job? It’s not normal for you to be this judgmental on every post surely?

You did backtrack OP. You made it sound from the start like you were the one bringing this up with your boyfriend on a weekly basis, along with the issues in the past (her cheating, the abortion, his family feeling sorry for her) and then when people called you out you changed track and said it was him who bitches about her. How can that be if he defends her too? So you're saying he bitches to you about something and then when you say 'yeah I know right?!' he goes 'stop being horrible about my ex blah blah'...

Which is it? Because if it is him just say you don't want to hear it and problem solved.

Guys this is the last time I am going to say this....
I am neither jelous or insecure about his ex!! He is with me not her, I am not fixated on what she did to him but when he is constantly defending her, yes I do bring it up as I feel like he’s forgotten the shitty things she has done! I do get on with her for my SS sake, we are amicable and SS never ever sees any conflict, and we never ever speak badly about his mum whilst he is home. My issues like I said are with my OH and him having this defence about her. Like he’s allowed to call her whatever but as soon as I do I’m wrong.

everyone has given you loads of advice including me. You just don’t like the advice. The main point of contention in the post is probably the abortion. I think that if this was not involved you may have had some different responses. You were being honest about how you feel about that and it’s clouded your judgment about her terribly.

Abortion is for a woman alone to decide, in law and medicine.

I’m sorry you feel so defensive and angry towards me about what I have said - I think it’s hard to really face your true feelings sometimes and even harder to accept where you are wrong.

I honestly think you should apologise to your ex about this if you want to move on, ask him to stop mentioning it or just listen to him and nod. He will eventually leave I think if you continue

@OnlyHereForThePie if it’s been written like that then sorry but that’s not the case. Yes he will say to me I’m really annoyed he’s said he’s not been out all day he’s been stuck on the ipad, what’s wrong with her? So I’ll say she’s shocking she makes no effort, it’s bad for him etc. Then he will say something like ‘well she wasn’t ever maternal’ I’ll say well why did u have a child with her? Then he gets annoyed at me and says she hasn’t always been this bad etc.

as I feel like he’s forgotten the shitty things she has done!

I guarantee he has not forgotten being cheated on. He just sounds like he's moved on from it and doesn't want to keep going over it or holding onto the hatred forever.

he’s allowed to call her whatever but as soon as I do I’m wrong

So tell him to stop! Tell him 'right DP, don't bring this up with me again because you quite clearly don't want to hear my opinion on the matter and it causes arguments so just don't bring this up again please'. And then any time he does tell him 'I don't want to talk about it'.

@Menora not once did I say abortion is wrong. I said I believe her behaviour was wrong, and the fact she cheated and had an abortion then lied and covered it up was wrong. My Anger is that my OH clearly thinks her behaviour was ok.

If you are arguing his ex weekly then this probably isn't the right relationship for you. I don't know why it would even come up as a topic and should be irrelevant if you have a good partnership with him. Her abortion is her business and she doesn't have to tell anyone she had it.

If you don't like it, ask him to change or leave him. Those are your options OP. There isn't anything anyone can say that will change those two options. No magic ex-deleting wand you can wave. He had a relationship with her and they share a child - he's allowed to comment and you're not though I still think men who feel the need to slag off their ex this much are not good men

Your defensiveness on this thread unfortunately speaks volumes about how you view other people. Time to reflect on the amount of negativity there is in your life, and whether that's how you want to be. You can't change other people, only how you react.

@Sunshine09876 her having an abortion, lying about it and covering it up is not wrong, that's her right and many woman do it. Cheating of course isn't great, but she cheated on your boyfriend so he can be angry but it sounds like he's moved on so you should too

I have the day off so definitely too much time on my hands 😂 and am indeed an ex-wife - though my exh is not with anyone new, and as I say, in the situation you describe, I'm precisely in your position.

Great to hear that you are so not jealous of his ex, that can only help you stay out of their business despite the temptation to take over as the little boy's mum. You've lived with his dad for just over a year, is that right? And been a couple for 2 years? So you're still in the early days of your relationship, the honeymoon period?

He's probably defending her because he knows your feelings towards her and she's still the mother of his child. By calling her vindictive, sly, lazy, a bad mother etc you're implicitly criticising his judgement and his past. Maybe just try shutting up about her? Her previous abortions and cheating really don't need to affect you that much.

Quite clearly it's doing you no good going over your list of bad deeds every time so just stop doing it.

Just tell him you're not interested in hearing it anymore and repeat. You need to let go of this. I don't for a second believe your only problem with her is the way she is with her DS and you're only frustrated because your partner brings it up all the time otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned the abortion or the fact she cheated and how annoying you find it that he and his family still seem to like her. You quite clearly would prefer everyone to hate her and bitch about her, well they don't so you need to deal with that and just tell your partner to stop bringing it up.

@OnlyHereForThePie that is the stage we are at now. But then when I say that he goes in a mood with me saying so u think it’s ok DS is hysterical not wanting to go etc. I can’t win. I have very strong opinons on her because as a mother myself I don’t like how she treats SS. Causes issues as I have a good relationship with my children’s dad, we get on fine.

Your BF has proved himself to be a decent, loyal forgiving person who supports the mother of his child despite their breakup. He tries to foster a grown-up relationship with her, for the long term benefit of their child. He's demonstrated great empathy, patience, tolerance.

You should appreciate him more, and perhaps try to be more like him.

Jesuse could you not wait until she moved out before coming on the scene with youre dc and his own dc to consider sounds like a complete utter shitshow in all honesty. Her relationship or abortuon has zero to do with you and you do sound jealous like bluntness said or it simply wouldn't be an issue at all.

Can I ask how old you are as this is such a silly comment to make.

I’ll say well why did u have a child with her?

What do you want him to answer? No I wish my child was never born

@ravenmum I have the week off!

I’m going out in an hour though for the rest of the day so I have some time on my hands till then. I might pop back over to the dog forum to talk and read about dogs and chill out

Then he will say something like ‘well she wasn’t ever maternal’ I’ll say well why did u have a child with her?

You don't question that!! You're basically saying you don't think their son should exist! You really need to talk to your DP and sort this out.