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Original poster

Issues with bf sticking up for ex

227 replies

Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 09:15

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:15

@backseatcookers No, I don’t give a shit what happens to her or her relationship. All I want is my OH to acknowledge her shitty behaviour and understand if he’s got an opinon and mentions it to me I will also have an opinon, probably a stronger one than him as it concerns his DS and I am a mother myself.

OP posts:
BigBadVoodooHat · 25/08/2020 11:15

One of these is not like the others...

Yep. The narrative has definitely shifted. Hmm

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:16

@Menora I’m backtracking nothing, you just seem hellbent on me being a bad person 😂 maybe its because your similar to his ex 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Phoenix21 · 25/08/2020 11:17

I’d shut the conversation down if he is complaining about her then gets upset when you join in. Nod, make sympathetic noises then change the subject.

Though I must say, your version of events have adjusted don’t you think?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 25/08/2020 11:17

You're coming across as very judgemental, she cheated, that was wrong but it's your bf place to forgive her for that not yours. I'm not condoning it but people do things in unhappy relationships. It doesnt make it right but it's not really your concern.
Let me tell you, as someone who has terminated a pregnancy, it's not an easy decision to make. You dont know her reasons for making that decision and quite frankly what she did, and the way she did it, is none of you business. I very much hope you arent calling her the above names and having these conversations while hers and your bf's son is in the house.
You clearly dont agree with what she did, fair enough but your bf obviously doesnt hold the same views about it. If you are continuing to discuss it after all this time he is well within his rights to voice his views on it, even if they do differ from yours.
Are you angry that he doesnt agree with you or are you concerned that he still holds feelings for her?
If it's the first then you'll probably just need to agree to disagree, bury it and move on.
If it's the latter then either talk to him about it or end the relationship.
I'm not sure why their son is distressed before going home, this could be for many reasons and have had experiences of this myself with my own son. It was a phase and it passed and wasnt because he didnt like his dad or disliked being there, it was just tough for him to understand. If your bf is genuinely concerned about this then maybe he needs to look into it further. If not, then lots of patience, encouragement and positive reinforcement about his mum and going there should help.

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 11:18

It's just a different bond and I do believe a stronger one when you share children

I just don't agree with this to be honest. Plenty of people have children with people they can no longer stand or weren't the right person for them.

And plenty of couples who can't or don't want to have children together have a bond stronger than one they have with an ex they happened to share a child with at one point.

I'm not for a second suggesting that it's fine to slag off the parent of anyone's child, I've disagreed with OP over and over on this thread but I really dislike and reject the idea that you can't have just as meaningful of a relationship with someone you don't/can't have a child with than they did with an ex.

My best friend is a prime example. She had a child with her ex, he was totally wrong for her, she couldn't ever dream of being with him now in fact she laughs about how ridiculous a match it were. They co parent for the sake of their daughter but there is no special or magical bond between them. Her and her husband on the other hand have such a lovely relationship and I think he'd be quite insulted at the insinuation that his relationship isn't as meaningful or he doesn't have as much of a bond with his wife because she happened to have a kid with someone years ago.

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:18

[quote Sunshine09876]@Menora I’m backtracking nothing, you just seem hellbent on me being a bad person 😂 maybe its because your similar to his ex 🤷🏽‍♀️[/quote]
Honestly you're doing an amazing job of that yourself.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 11:19

Have you asked him not to slag her off to you to avoid these arguments? If so, and he is still doing it then why are you staying with him?

If you haven't asked him to stop, why haven't you?

Menora · 25/08/2020 11:19

Lovely. 😂

I have an ex, he’s got a wife, we all get on fine. We help each other out with DC, she even walks my dog sometimes. I don’t expect my ex discusses my past with her because it’s none of her business and not relevant. I bought her flowers when she had a miscarriage and we give each other birthday presents.

My boyfriend has an ex and they have children together and I don’t make any comments about her or things that go on because it’s none of my business!

BigBadVoodooHat · 25/08/2020 11:20

[quote Sunshine09876]@Menora I’m backtracking nothing, you just seem hellbent on me being a bad person 😂 maybe its because your similar to his ex 🤷🏽‍♀️[/quote]
Ah, it’s one of those threads: a ‘wind em up & watch them go’ from a shiny new poster. Hmm

Damn it. I’m not usually that gullible.

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:20

@OnlyHereForThePie fair, you're right, I was thinking about my own situation and projecting.

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 11:21

But anyway, back to the thread.

OP why can't you drop it? Just tell your partner to stop mentioning these things to you and you wouldn't have a problem.

Or leave if you really can't get over his ex and all her 'transgressions'. She isn't going anywhere.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 11:21

No he makes excuses for her jumping his DS off to her parents, or allowing him to be on the iPad 8 hours a day when she has him etc...

Even when she isnt the best parent to his DS he still can’t see it.

Or

The issue is he complains to me about her, says how disgusted he is that she’s dumped DS off, or left him on the iPad etc

Which is it then?

Malaya · 25/08/2020 11:23

[quote Sunshine09876]@backseatcookers No, I don’t give a shit what happens to her or her relationship. All I want is my OH to acknowledge her shitty behaviour and understand if he’s got an opinon and mentions it to me I will also have an opinon, probably a stronger one than him as it concerns his DS and I am a mother myself.[/quote]
First, you’re not his ds mother so it has nothing to do with you.

Secondly, your oh is never going to agree with you, no matter how much you try and bully him to have the same opinion as you.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this but I he needs to leave you. What an awful environment for his poor ds to grow up it. How do you think he would feel if he realised you hate his mother this much. I think you’re toxic.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:24

@ifitmakesyouhappy so I’m a bad person because I have an opinon on my OH’s ex being a shitty person? Because most of u on here are ex wives/gf’s who feel superior right? Ridiculous what amazes is me is reading through other posts how u all have so much spare time to write judgmental shit all over peoples posts rather than just having an opinon you all decide to be nasty. Please bear in mind what u read is only part of a very long story. I wrote this post for different points of view not to be called names.

OP posts:
Menora · 25/08/2020 11:24

You do have a different type of bond, it’s hard to explain.

If I broke up with my boyfriend tomorrow we have no children we would just part ways and never speak again. But you can’t part ways as easily with someone you share children with and to keep it healthy you need a level of respect and civility for them over a long period of time that you don’t have an obligation to do with a person you have no children with. I’m invested in ex being ok, because my DC need him to be ok.

This man and ex have 15 years more of school, clubs, events, birthdays, exams and all kinds of hurdles. Having a spiteful girlfriend on the scene is going to be detrimental to all of these events - I mean if you can’t handle what happens with a 3yo now, can you handle them together at a parents evening? Would you demand to be there as well? You clearly see yourself as better than her and knowing better, morally.

Littlepaws18 · 25/08/2020 11:25

Abortion is a huge deal physically and emotionally regardless of how maternal you are and keeping it to herself must have been difficult and traumatic. So yes feeling sympathy for her is perfectly reasonable.

Making excuses for poor parenting is more challenging, but if you don't want to create a rift between you both I suggest you find a way to solve this. She is always going to be around you have to get past this resentment you feel towards her otherwise it's going to eat you up inside and effect your relationship.

You need to think why you feel so insecure about her, why his feeling of sympathy towards her upsets you so much and talk it through.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:25

@backseatcookers he will mention his frustrations but then when I voice my opinon on it he then turns into defend mode... I’ve backtracked nothing!

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 25/08/2020 11:26

Bloody hell OP, you call her sly and vindictive, yet you're here oozing jealousy and bitterness in every post. Leave the woman alone and crack on with your own life.

Phoenix21 · 25/08/2020 11:26

Sounds like this is consuming you so how about you look at it a different way?

If she didn’t behave as she had you wouldn’t be with him as presumably they’d still be together.

Her mistakes allowed you in his life.

Littlepaws18 · 25/08/2020 11:27

Just read a few of your messages, you need to get over the abortion. It's absolutely none of your business and whether she lied or not it is irrelevant. She had her reasons and as I said before it's a deeply traumatic experience. Drop it and leave her alone!

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:28

@Menora ah right so you’re just one of these ‘judgmental’ people then who assumes someone is a bad person based on part of a story. I’ve read you’re comments on other posts. You really have way too much spare time.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 25/08/2020 11:28

Yes, it was shitty behaviour to cheat, but you said yourself that the relationship had broken down already. The big thing is, this happened before you were in the picture, so is really not your business. Concentrate on being a good mother figure to your DO son and let her get on with her own relationship.
Don't keep bringing up the past with your DP. Let him moan and use you as a sounding board, but if he doesn't like you joining in then just keep shtum.
Or, leave and let them get on with it without you.
Your choice.

Spidey66 · 25/08/2020 11:28

Surely it's healthy for the child not to have the parents slating each other once they've split up? Or am I missing something here?

I'm sure he doesn't want her back, but at the end of the day she's the mother to his child.

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:29

@Sunshine09876 I haven't called you a name - I also don't think you're a bad person per se, but you definitely sound a bitter and jealous person. It's the bringing up cheating and abortions that happened before you were even in the picture I don't like. It literally has fuck all to do with you and you seem fixated on it. Also, it's none of your concern if their son is crying at handover, once again, literally has fuck all to do with you. He has a dad and a mum, and you are not her, as much as you want to be. As I've said, the only practical advice I can offer is to speak to your boyfriend about it or leave.