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Original poster

Issues with bf sticking up for ex

227 replies

Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 09:15

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:21

@Menora I’ve never posted here before, And I am all for everyone getting on but it’s the constant excuses that annoy me. More an annoyance of my OH than her.

OP posts:
Menora · 25/08/2020 10:21

This is 100% the same poster as last time as she really went on about the parenting of the mother then too, how the mother does nothing and relies on his parents too much

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/08/2020 10:22

There is a poor man who thinks she is some kind of angel, when in fact she has aborted his child without telling him

How do you know she hasn’t told him?! Or that they discussed it and he wanted her to keep the child and she didn’t want to (as she’s apparently not maternal) or she fears having to share the new baby 50/50 as well at some point and it’s too hard for her to contemplate having another shared custody arrangement. Just leave her be, she made a very hard choice about something that is 0% your business.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 25/08/2020 10:24

How do you know he doesn't know about the abortion?

And how is it any of your business?

NotaCoolMum · 25/08/2020 10:25

Why invest any of your energy into her at all?! If you’re not jealous of her you have an odd way of showing it. You’re invested in her for some reason and it’s odd that you would prefer for everyone to hate her. It’s absolutely NONE of your business that she had an abortion.

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:25

I think it’s only a matter of time before he is going to have to break up with you as this sounds really awful and unhealthy. It sounds like you are tormenting him constantly. Almost abusive

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2020 10:25

If you stopped attacking her he wouldn’t have to keep defending her and making excuses for her.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2020 10:25

Giving you the benefit of the doubt OP, there must be more to what you mean by him making excuses for her parenting, but you really haven't detailed anything that makes her sound sly or vindictive and posters will see you as unreasonable as a result. Not only is the abortion not you or your boyfriend's business, but if she was dead set on terminating then her boyfriend really didn't have a choice in the matter anyway. She may well have been doing him a kindness by not telling him, it would have been much harder on him if he wanted the baby but she didn't.

I'm guessing this is a build up of mild irritations. What sort of thing does your partner make excuses for?

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:26

How do you know she hasn’t told him?!

Precisely. They could have discussed this already in private as a couple for all you know.

It's actually really pissing me off that you think it's any of your business what this woman did in relation to an abortion that she had. It wasn't even your boyfriend's child so why are you so upset about it? Get over it. It's absolutely nothing to do with you. It's quite clear you think she's horrible for having an abortion and want people to agree with you and bitch about her.

Just stop concentrating so much on what his ex does and move on with your life. He wouldn't need to stand up for her if you stopped pecking on to him about her all the time. Just do your own thing with your partner and his son and leave her to do hers.

MrsBungle · 25/08/2020 10:27

Her abortion is none of your business. Stop talking about it with your dh!

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:28

Is anyone not understanding that she cheated? Then lied... if this was a man he’d be called all sorts. Like I said my annoyance is mainly with my OH because it’s like he has almost allowed her vile behaviour, brushed it under the carpet and still feels sorry for her. I don’t understand why he feels sorry for her I guess. She was an adult who made her own choices. I speak to her decently and sometimes it’s me on handover with the DS, so it’s not like I’m totally vile to her. Like I said we keep it amicable for his DS but if I bring up an issue with her dumping him off 3 hours before we collect or mention I think she’s a selfish mother, my OH sticks up for her. Makes excuses for her and that annoys me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:30

@Menora sorry but I feel like your assuming I’m someone else here. FYI my OH parents + hers have very little to do with the DS hence why I am so involved.

OP posts:
CagedBirdwithoutAKey · 25/08/2020 10:32

@Sunshine09876 I'm so sorry you're getting some really rude replies on here Sad I have been in such a similar position and it's truly not nice.

My exes ex cheated on him and left him AND their two DC to be with the guy, yet he always, ALWAYS took her side. Unfortunately this is what eventually broke our relationship; I just couldn't understand why he was still so protective of her and it begged the question as to whether he still had feelings HmmSad

I understand that you don't want him to be bitter towards his ex, but at the same time, you should be his priority (partner-wise) and he should have your back, so to speak. Looking back, I can't believe I stayed with mine for just on a year, his ex would call him and he'd drop everything with me to do what she wanted Hmm

This relationship taught me to never let myself come second to an ex again, even if she is the mother of his child!

Hope you're ok, I know just how upsetting it is SadDaffodil

Bluntness100 · 25/08/2020 10:32

For goodness sake. Just own it op. You’re jealous of her and want him to slate her, as she co parents with him he’s not willing to do that.

Her cheating, her abortion, her private life is fuck all to do with you. How she parents is between him and her, if she’s ok with it it is not your place to say otherwise,

Look your relationship is pretty much over anyway unless you can get to grips with your jealousy. No one needs to live with what he’s putting up with.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 25/08/2020 10:32

She cheated, but your ex has moved on so it's really not your concern. It sounds like he knows she struggles and has some empathy for her. Whatever your issues are with her it has nothing to do with her cheating or her abortion. You definitely sound jealous. It sounds like you just want him to agree with you that she's a shitty person. What would that achieve? He sounds kind and you sound obsessed.

Phoenix21 · 25/08/2020 10:32

Why are you even talking about her? Why does she have so much space in your head?

Clearly he loves her on some level in a way that many people have some residing love for their exes (shared memories and all that), it doesn’t mean that he would ever go back to her especially as she must of hurt him.

What would you prefer? That he abuses her every time he sees/speaks to her?

You are in danger of pushing him away as this reads as jealousy and vindictiveness.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:33

She begged my OH not to tell her Bf, that’s how I know he isn’t aware. It’s not any of my business what she chooses to do, like I said the annoyance is with my OH for basically feeling sorry for her.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/08/2020 10:34

I just couldn't understand why he was still so protective of her and it begged the question as to whether he still had feelings

This is the nub of the issue, op I assume you think because he won’t criticise her he may still have feelings for her and this is what is causing you all the angst.

TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 10:36

Dump him because you don't like him, you don't respect him and you argue weekly.

I really don't see why you would hang on to a boyfriend you don't much like. Why are you?

Menora · 25/08/2020 10:36

It is really simple

You accept that this is his way of dealing with her and it’s not going to change, no matter how much you try to force it

Or you keep forcing it and you will break up

What I don’t understand is how after 2 years you are still continually going on about this. It’s not even a current issue that’s happening now. It’s like you have a list of all her awful things and every time you want him to ‘have your back’ about a child that is not your child, and an abortion that has nothing to do with you, or childcare issues that are between 2 parents, do you get this list out and read it out to him?

Why are you with him if you think he’s so weak and awful?

MrsBungle · 25/08/2020 10:37

I don’t understand why her past bothers you so much? All that happened is in the past and is between your boyfriend and her. If he’s not bothered I don’t know why you would be?

Your boyfriend sounds like he’s getting on with life and isn’t bitter. That’s a good thing!

Phoenix21 · 25/08/2020 10:37

Also, if I were him I’d regret telling you so much and would withhold information going forward as I would expect your reaction to her to transfer into other aspects of life.

Which is basically a slow death for any relationship.

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:38

if I bring up an issue with her dumping him off 3 hours before we collect or mention I think she’s a selfish mother, my OH sticks up for her.
Seriously, if you didn't criticise her, he would probably do it himself! But as you are calling her names, of course he is sticking up for her. Stop criticising her and see what happens.

And yes, I can imagine your situation, as it is exactly what happened to my bf, with his wife and their daughter. The only difference being that I have nothing to do with their business.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 10:38

@CagedBirdwithoutAKey Finally someone who has been in the position and understands. Thank you for commenting.

If u have been through similar u will understand it’s definitely not jelousy, just more frustration than anything else. 2 years I have listened to his blatant excuses for her poor parenting and shocking behaviour. It’s wearing thin now.

OP posts:
Menora · 25/08/2020 10:39

If he’s a shit parent and you can’t stand him then you will have to break up with him. Nothing here suggests you love or respect him anyway, you can’t stand the ex, how he parents, any of his decisions or their relationship so you don’t have anything left

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