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Original poster

Issues with bf sticking up for ex

227 replies

Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 09:15

Hi
When I met my boyfriend, him and his ex were still living in the same house. He had found out she had been cheating, but as they’re relationship hadn’t been good for a while he said they wernt really a couple as in intimacy for 2 years previous. Long story short they have a DS so my boyfriend said he would give her time to find a decent place to live as he owned the house they were in. She ended up staying for a further 10 months, she lied to all his family saying it was a mistake and she wasn’t with said guy, ( I guess she didn’t want to look bad). Anyway on day of moving, said guy came to help her, my bf had dismantled the bed to help her that morning and found abortion paperwork. She had had an abortion (said guys baby) my bf confronted her as he said with the dates and because of them having no intimacy for years it was obviously said guys. This man still doesn’t know she aborted his child and since she moved out we have all moved on and she is in a relationship with the guy.

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her. Still to this day said he thinks it’s a traumatic thing for her to go thru because she would have gone thru it not being able to tell anyone. She’s made out to his family that she is completely innocent and they actually feel sorry for her which annoys me. DS doesn’t like going to her house she has him 3 days a week. He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf. I’ve been with him 2 years now and he still makes excuses for her parenting or just shitty behaviour. It’s causing issues. Sorry for long post tried to whittle it down.

OP posts:
OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 10:56

@Sunshine09876

The issue is he complains to me about her, says how disgusted he is that she’s dumped DS off, or left him on the iPad etc. But then as soon as I say my opinion on her he stands up for her. This is my issue. He will slag her off to me constantly but as soon as I say something about her he defends her. Totally frustrating.
Then tell him to stop.

This is a drip feed. You made it sound for the whole thread like you bring these issues up.

If it's him bringing them up weekly then tell him you aren't interested in hearing it.

ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:56

He will slag her off to me constantly but as soon as I say something about her he defends her.
So if you stop saying things about her, then you won't have this problem?

IAmFleshIAmBone · 25/08/2020 10:57

The only issue you have with her is not that your boyfriend defends her, otherwise you wouldn't keep bringing up the fact that she cheated and had an abortion.

BigBadVoodooHat · 25/08/2020 10:57

that’s exactly what I do now unfortunately, go over and over the list to try and remind him of everything she has done

Fucking hell. Shock

Stop 'going over and over the list'. In fact, stop keeping a 'list'.

He hasn't 'forgotten' anything. He doesn't need you to remind him, 'over and over'.

That's really not normal, or acceptable, behaviour.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 10:57

@Sunshine09876

The issue is he complains to me about her, says how disgusted he is that she’s dumped DS off, or left him on the iPad etc. But then as soon as I say my opinion on her he stands up for her. This is my issue. He will slag her off to me constantly but as soon as I say something about her he defends her. Totally frustrating.
Tell him not to moan about her to you then. And if he keeps doing it, break up. You're acting like this situation is forced upon you. You're a grown up. You're staying in a situation that is obviously bringing out the worst in you. It's toxic and nasty the way you're responding to things so why are you staying together?
ravenmum · 25/08/2020 10:57

If it's him bringing them up weekly then tell him you aren't interested in hearing it.
And this. You both need to stop talking about his ex unless absolutely necessary.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/08/2020 10:58

@Sunshine09876

The issue is he complains to me about her, says how disgusted he is that she’s dumped DS off, or left him on the iPad etc. But then as soon as I say my opinion on her he stands up for her. This is my issue. He will slag her off to me constantly but as soon as I say something about her he defends her. Totally frustrating.
Well in that case, you have a DP problem. I'd be telling him he doesn't get to slag off the mother of his child to you because you don't want to hear it. You're investing way too much energy in hating her and he's feeding it, it's not healthy.
TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 10:59

I still don't see why you are with a man you don't like.

Are you afraid of being single? Is he fantastically wealthy? Golden cock?

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:00

It's none of your business whether her current man knows she had an abortion or not! None of your business at all. I think it's nice that your boyfriend feels empathy towards the mother of his child which in my opinion trumps your status as girlfriend. You should probably stop worrying about her and stay out of her business or you'll just come across as bitter, jealous or obsessed. As for your boyfriends son not wanting to go to his mothers, well that's for them to deal with, not you.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 11:01

Oh and if she's that bad a parent, so unhealthy and cruel and 'vindictive' and neglectful... why hasn't your boyfriend pursued becoming the resident parent?

Funny how many women think the mother of their boyfriends children is a terrible parent, but don't think their boyfriend is awful for allowing the children to remain in the care of that parent.

So either she's as bad as you say but your boyfriend doesn't care enough to want to step up. Which would make him a shitty dad. Which is a type of person I wouldn't want to be with, don't understand why you would want to either.

Or she isn't as bad as you say.

Margay · 25/08/2020 11:02

However my bf constantly stands up for her over this, makes excuses for her.

He cries not to go, yet my bf still makes excuses for her, saying she’s not maternal and she struggles with DS. I feel like everyone feels sorry for her and makes excuses for her especially my Bf

It is not nice he is decent about someone who has been so sly and vindictive and lied. It gets brought up in arguments because he’s making excuses for her weekly.

he is too busy making excuses for her and feeling sorry for her.

No he makes excuses for her jumping his DS off to her parents, or allowing him to be on the iPad 8 hours a day when she has him etc...

it’s like he has almost allowed her vile behaviour, brushed it under the carpet and still feels sorry for her

2 years I have listened to his blatant excuses for her poor parenting and shocking behaviour.

Even when she isnt the best parent to his DS he still can’t see it.

The issue is he complains to me about her, says how disgusted he is that she’s dumped DS off, or left him on the iPad etc

One of these is not like the others...

inappropriateraspberry · 25/08/2020 11:05

You have a MASSIVE chip on your shoulder about this woman. What has she actually done to you personally?
Not telling her OH about the abortion is not evil or vindictive. You don't know what she went through to come to that decision. She is the mother of your DP child, of course he'll stick up for her sometimes.
You really need to move forward and drop the whole abortion thing. It's done and finished with. You don't know if she has since told her partner, you know nothing of what she has done or is doing with him.
If you can't get past it, you need to leave. It's not healthy for your relationship or for your DP son.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:07

@backseatcookers she has him 3 days a week even if he went to court she would probably still be allowed 2 days like most weekend dads.. we have him 5 nights she has him 3 there’s no a lot more he can do. He cannot cut contact completely as it’s not good for DS to not have any involvement with his DM.

OP posts:
OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 11:08

I think it's nice that your boyfriend feels empathy towards the mother of his child which in my opinion trumps your status as girlfriend

One thing I will say is I don't get things like this. Why is it a competition? Why does anyone have to trump anyone? How long does someone have to be with another person before they 'trump' the mother of their child? Confused it's not some golden status that no one else can ever come close to matching Hmm

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:09

Also my DD cries often and acts up when she knows she is going to her dads for a couple of nights, however, she's gets over it very quickly and always has a fab time with her dad and when it's time to get picked up she cries coming back to me! It is completely normal for children to get upset at handover.

inappropriateraspberry · 25/08/2020 11:10

[quote Sunshine09876]@backseatcookers she has him 3 days a week even if he went to court she would probably still be allowed 2 days like most weekend dads.. we have him 5 nights she has him 3 there’s no a lot more he can do. He cannot cut contact completely as it’s not good for DS to not have any involvement with his DM.[/quote]
Precisely. She may not be the best mother, but she is HIS mother. Suck it up, bite your tongue and let them get on with it.
If your DP moans about her, just nod, let him get it off his chest, but don't keep going on about it! It's for them to sort out.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 11:11

Do you think this relationship brings out the best in you OP?

Do you think it's a healthy relationship?

Have you asked him not to slag her off to you to avoid these arguments? If so, and he is still doing it then why are you staying with him?

If you haven't asked him to stop, why haven't you?

It sounds awful.

Be honest - you like him slagging her off and you would love it if her partner found out about what is a very personal and painful decision because you deem her as deserving the pain that would cause her. Do you think that makes you the bigger person?

Because from the outside watching a woman so hellbent on another women being punished for cheating and having a termination, at a time when you had no involvement in her life, is really fucking weird.

ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:11

@OnlyHereForThePie not so much a competition but it is a different relationship when you have a child with someone. For instance, if I had to listen to my current partner slagging off my child's father incessantly then I would have more inclination to defend him than I would just an ex.

It's just a different bond and I do believe a stronger one when you share children.

Original poster
Sunshine09876 · 25/08/2020 11:11

I have no chip on my shoulder, I’m not jelous or envious of her whatsoever, neither am I a bully. But when u have a OH who constantly moans about his ex’s behaviours/parenting then u give an opinon and get made to look a fool because he then stands up for her, it becomes frustrating and angers me now. Hence why I bring up shit she’s done in the past. That’s it guys no daily checklist talking about his ex no weekly argument about an abortion his ex had 2 + years ago. Purely a frustration that my OH hates me having an opinon on her. Yet he’s allowed to slag her off when it suits.

OP posts:
Malaya · 25/08/2020 11:12

[quote Sunshine09876]@Menora no I do not bring up the abortion if she is late picking the child up, for some reason u seem so set on trying to make me look a bad person when it really isn’t the case.[/quote]
I don’t think Menora is doing anything of the sort. You’re doing a fine job of that yourself.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 11:13

@Sunshine09876

I have no chip on my shoulder, I’m not jelous or envious of her whatsoever, neither am I a bully. But when u have a OH who constantly moans about his ex’s behaviours/parenting then u give an opinon and get made to look a fool because he then stands up for her, it becomes frustrating and angers me now. Hence why I bring up shit she’s done in the past. That’s it guys no daily checklist talking about his ex no weekly argument about an abortion his ex had 2 + years ago. Purely a frustration that my OH hates me having an opinon on her. Yet he’s allowed to slag her off when it suits.
Then leave him!

This is who he is. He wants to moan about her but doesn't want you to join in. It doesn't matter who is right / wrong, not really, what matters is that it means your dynamic is unhealthy.

You've only been with him two years and she will be in his life forever so this isn't going to change.

Why are you so desperate to stay in a relationship with such a huge issue?!

inappropriateraspberry · 25/08/2020 11:13

@Sunshine09876

I have no chip on my shoulder, I’m not jelous or envious of her whatsoever, neither am I a bully. But when u have a OH who constantly moans about his ex’s behaviours/parenting then u give an opinon and get made to look a fool because he then stands up for her, it becomes frustrating and angers me now. Hence why I bring up shit she’s done in the past. That’s it guys no daily checklist talking about his ex no weekly argument about an abortion his ex had 2 + years ago. Purely a frustration that my OH hates me having an opinon on her. Yet he’s allowed to slag her off when it suits.
Then don't bring it up, simple.
ifitmakesyouhappy · 25/08/2020 11:13

@Sunshine09876 well then speak to your boyfriend about it or leave. There's your choices.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 11:14

that’s exactly what I do now unfortunately, go over and over the list to try and remind him of everything she has done

And people aren't trying to make you look bad. You said stuff like the above and I don't think you realise how staggeringly toxic and odd a thing it is to do, you seem blind to how strange your fixation on her is.

Menora · 25/08/2020 11:14

You seem to be backtracking rapidly