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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband gay?

87 replies

feelinglost85 · 23/08/2020 22:04

Hi All

I am new here as I have no one I can turn too and I just need to talk so someone!

I have been with my husband for for 13yrs and we have 2 children. Our relationship has its ups and downs we don't really argue but we plod by in our own sort of way, at times he can be quite cold towards me (not in a nasty way I can't describe it really).
I work nights and have had my doubts and snooped I saw a message with an activation code for grindr (I excused it as maybe a mate playing a joke etc) but this has now happened a few times when i have been working my night shift.
I looked at internet history (he seems have no recent history so guess he deletes but many months back he visited porn hub and clicked straight on the gay porn section! Unfortunately that day we had lots going on and i was then going straight to work.
The next day I checked his phone whilst he showered in the eve and saw again an activation message from grindr (seen this about 5 times now) I confronted him which he denied and then eventually came up with that he was curious and there has always been something in the back on his mind.
I cannot see his grindr app as he is clearly downloading and deactivating ( I have set up an account to try and find him but couldn't many men have tried to make contact with me with even just my basic profile so I know how easy it can be to chat about all sorts and exactly what people want on there).
He promises me he has never chatted to anyone and he was just browsing to see what people put on there, but why would he do this more than once and Infact the 5 times that I know of but this could be more!
What do I do? he won't give me anything except repeating the above saying over and over he loves me and he married me and wouldn't do that if he was gay!

I feel so alone and don't know what to do or if I can carry on knowing this and I cannot get my head around the fact he would be looking through grindr lots of times and saying he hasn't done anything.

Please help me 😔

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 25/08/2020 19:27

@HerrenaHarridan agree. This is a recurring issue with MN and all the RFs about in the "Feminism" chat areas. They're actually very conservative women who are coasting along on the accomplishments of actual feminists. They sound very close to the Wives in The Handmaid's Tale, as if they're quick to finger point at the "gender traitors" but see it as "protecting women". It's homophobic and this is why MN is know as such.

JingsMahBucket · 25/08/2020 19:28

And yes to "poly prophet"... it sounds condescending and patronizing. I've never heard it before this thread.

GlassStar · 25/08/2020 22:15

So it’s “homophobic” to object to your partner shagging men (with increased potential for spreading VD: fact, but whatever). Typical MN.

Why I rarely visit here anymore, and when you read the daft shaming accusations about feminists riding coats tails, you know you are in LaLa land. Grim.

GlassStar · 25/08/2020 22:18

“Actual feminists” were never about promoting male bi-sexuality Hmm either. Or am I actually on planet earth?

CorrectileDysfunction · 25/08/2020 22:43

It's not homophobic to think that if someone is repeatedly using a dating/hookup site, they are likely to be cheating or planning to cheat at some point. It doesn't matter if it's a gay site or not.

Of course the gay aspect of this man using a homosexual site causes extra hurt and confusion as he is married to the OP, a woman, but to say MN is being homophobic just because the majority are assuming a married man on a dating website wants to cheat is beyond absurd.

OP I wish you well- you're in a really tough situation :(

HerrenaHarridan · 26/08/2020 10:17

It’s not homophobic to object to you monogamous partner cheating on you

You are being deliberately obtuse and it’s not my job to put emotional labour into you

Go back and read it.

I am a gay person and I am telling you clearly that the behaviour and attitudes here are homophobic
Stop deciding it isn’t there because it doesn’t affect to you and look at all the commenters saying that men attracted to men can never be trusted or the ‘it isn’t easy to hold back gay feelings’

Sit with yourselves and asses your reactions and behaviour objectively for a moment.

It’s not easier or harder for gay or bi people to be monogamous and we aren’t inherently less trust worthy

He has suppressed this all this time precisely because of the reactions of people like you judgey fuckers who happily witch hunt someone who as yet has done nothing worse that feel tempted and indulge his long suppressed desires by viewing a hook up app and deleting it

The op said they had talked and she felt better and the very next poster was all he can never be trusted, gay feels aren’t easily suppressed, look what that one gay person in the media did that was bad that time... so tell me again how it’s not homophobic...

Deborah1977 · 29/05/2021 02:07

Any updates?

BigHeadBertha · 29/05/2021 03:05

It's possible (though I'd say not likely- come on now) that he was only looking on the gay hookup site as he says- repeatedly.

If so, then he should have no problem giving you full access to that account and his phone and computer, too. I think you'd be fully justified to demand that, given the circumstances.

But it's probably more likely that he will not do that and honestly that you're no more eager to hear that type of truth than he is to say it. I say this because you seemed to accept his words that he wanted to stay with you and be faithful quite easily, in spite of all that had just happened.

I think most likely he's been cheating on you with men for some time. And now that some of the truth he's been hiding has accidentally been found out, he's scrambling to hold it all together. What he most likely wants to do, in my opinion, is to continue to have his cake and eat it too.

If you look the other way on this, you likely ARE in an open relationship, on one end anyway, you just don't know it. Personally, I'd much rather figure out some kind of open relationship rather than accept lies, cheating, the chance of getting an STI and the chance of being suddenly left when and if he gets something set up with someone else.

To me, he'd have to earn his way back in. He's kept enough from you and given you quite reasonable reason for doubt. Just saying he wants everything to continue would not be for me. Hope it all works out for you.

BigHeadBertha · 29/05/2021 03:11

Oops, just realized this is an old thread.

Deborah1977 · 29/05/2021 03:24

On the other hand, I've got the same problem. Married 27 years. Husband is gay. Wants to be with men but stay married to me.

BigHeadBertha · 29/05/2021 03:28

@Deborah1977

On the other hand, I've got the same problem. Married 27 years. Husband is gay. Wants to be with men but stay married to me.
That's what he wants but what do you want?
Deborah1977 · 29/05/2021 03:55

I don't want to have sex with my husband if he's with other guys. Nope. He's being unreasonable to want that. He hasn't yet, since we're married. He has a few times, before we we were married.

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