Husband gay?

[feelinglost85]

Hi All

I am new here as I have no one I can turn too and I just need to talk so someone!

I have been with my husband for for 13yrs and we have 2 children. Our relationship has its ups and downs we don't really argue but we plod by in our own sort of way, at times he can be quite cold towards me (not in a nasty way I can't describe it really).
I work nights and have had my doubts and snooped I saw a message with an activation code for grindr (I excused it as maybe a mate playing a joke etc) but this has now happened a few times when i have been working my night shift.
I looked at internet history (he seems have no recent history so guess he deletes but many months back he visited porn hub and clicked straight on the gay porn section! Unfortunately that day we had lots going on and i was then going straight to work.
The next day I checked his phone whilst he showered in the eve and saw again an activation message from grindr (seen this about 5 times now) I confronted him which he denied and then eventually came up with that he was curious and there has always been something in the back on his mind.
I cannot see his grindr app as he is clearly downloading and deactivating ( I have set up an account to try and find him but couldn't many men have tried to make contact with me with even just my basic profile so I know how easy it can be to chat about all sorts and exactly what people want on there).
He promises me he has never chatted to anyone and he was just browsing to see what people put on there, but why would he do this more than once and Infact the 5 times that I know of but this could be more!
What do I do? he won't give me anything except repeating the above saying over and over he loves me and he married me and wouldn't do that if he was gay!

I feel so alone and don't know what to do or if I can carry on knowing this and I cannot get my head around the fact he would be looking through grindr lots of times and saying he hasn't done anything.

Please help me 😔

If you still want to go on this trip ( and you don’t have to ) tell him to leave as soon as you come home. You need some time to yourself.
Start getting your ducks in a row, and visualising your future.
You will be Ok 💐

5 activation codes over weeks? Gay porn? Deleting phone history? Yeah that's not curiosity, thats gay. Like full on brokeback.

Maybe he likes women too.

But the main issue to me would be - why is he on hookup sites!? He is married to you. This isnt ok. And I'm sorry but he has definately been at the very least, fishing for guys.

You are so brave.

I don't really have any advice but wanted to wish you good luck.

You will be okay.

Keep communicating with him. Don’t let it build up in your head (& here!) too much. Time for gloves off communication. Best of luck.

Does this really have to be the end?

Can you love and accept him as he is?

As a poly person I find the amount of monogamous people who are willing to write off years of otherwise happy marriage because he looked at dating profiles pretty astounding

I thought the point of getting married was to ensure a more secure relationship that couldn’t be pulled apart by the waves of life.

Only you can decide what matters to you in a relationship.

None of the usual rules have to apply.

It’s about you and your husband finding the best ways to get your emotional and physical needs met.
Sometimes with each other or sometimes being giving each other space to nurture other relationships with friends.

Personally as long as he is using protection and getting tested regularly it would be a problem for me.

I have known people agree things like no Grindr/internet stranger hook ups only private parties and swingers clubs for safety and traceablity

My experience is that far from taking anything away from your relationship when the person you love comes back high on hormones and feeling blissfully fulfilled they actually have a lot more to give to you emotionally because their cup has been filled to overflowing

I find it very fulfilling and I feel I learn a lot about the people I love as they grow and learn new things about themselves from the new people and experiences they have had

Like I say, not for everyone, but you don’t have to do the party line just because that’s the norm

You can invent whatever rules work for you and your family.

A straight man just wouldn't use Grind.. why would they be curious if they are straight? Bi maybe or gay but in the closet. Many are ashamed of their interest/sexual preference.

I don't know what to say OP but sit down and try to get him to have an honest chat with you. Tell him what you have found - numerous times

Leave him for your own sake or your going to be his beard for life.

I’d get an sti test pronto and a hiv one too.

Gosh your very brave to say that to him OP well done. You guys will fine a new relationship I'm sure. None of this is your fault.

Op as another poster had said you are very brave confronting this head on and bringing it out into the light instead of sweeping it under the carpet as many people do.

I'm also really glad your h was honest enough to say he's feels bisexual.

This must be heart breaking but you will be ok.

As a poly person ...

Op is not a poly person.

Let alone a poly person who has relationships with bisexual people or is bisexual too.

Stop pushing your agenda on someone who's clearly had a conventional relationship/marriage, and is devastated and trying to face this head on.

@HerrenaHarridan

Does this really have to be the end?

Can you love and accept him as he is?

As a poly person I find the amount of monogamous people who are willing to write off years of otherwise happy marriage because he looked at dating profiles pretty astounding

I thought the point of getting married was to ensure a more secure relationship that couldn’t be pulled apart by the waves of life.

Only you can decide what matters to you in a relationship.

None of the usual rules have to apply.

It’s about you and your husband finding the best ways to get your emotional and physical needs met.
Sometimes with each other or sometimes being giving each other space to nurture other relationships with friends.

Personally as long as he is using protection and getting tested regularly it would be a problem for me.

I have known people agree things like no Grindr/internet stranger hook ups only private parties and swingers clubs for safety and traceablity

My experience is that far from taking anything away from your relationship when the person you love comes back high on hormones and feeling blissfully fulfilled they actually have a lot more to give to you emotionally because their cup has been filled to overflowing

I find it very fulfilling and I feel I learn a lot about the people I love as they grow and learn new things about themselves from the new people and experiences they have had

Like I say, not for everyone, but you don’t have to do the party line just because that’s the norm

You can invent whatever rules work for you and your family.

He wants to fuck men! No amount of "acceptance" is going to change that.

OP did not marry a bi/gay polyamourous partner she married a monogamous straight man.

She doesn't have to change anything in her relationship, he needs to leave.

My agenda?

Care to display your bigotry any more clearly?

I mean explain what your remark

The op clearly did marry a bisexual man wether she intended to or not

You are pushing the agenda ‘he has to leave’ but I didn’t tell the op how her life had to be

Quite the reverse. I pointed out she is free to make very different decisions if she wishes

Sorry i crossed remarks of two judgemental commenters

Oh well.

Point stands.

If you are disgusted with him for being who he is then it is done. There is nothing to save

If you still love him and want to find a new way of having a relationship that works for you then other options exist too

That’s not something anyone else can answer for you I’m afraid

How about a new relationship with him called ‘friend’. Not everyone would feel remotely comfortable with open relationships, particularly if the open aspect involves same sex relationships, but it’s perfectly possible to remain very good friends indeed

He wants to fuck men!

Does he? Not according to him.

If you are disgusted with him for being who he is then it is done. There is nothing to save

Well, I think primarily OP is, quite rightly, angry about the lies and betrayal.

I can't imagining splitting up with my DW and causing pain to my two kids is she turned out to be bi. I wonder, OP, whether the marriage already isn't giving you what you want?

I think you need to reflect on whether you really love him and whether you want it to work. If you do then it really needs some time and complete honesty.

Going on Grindr is utterly acceptable. If he really has done nothing, he could give you access to his account to demonstrate that.

Whatever you choose it will be hard. Take some time to work out what is right for you- there is no rush and no right way to feel. Try to keep things as amicable as possible for your children.

We are away and up til that point it was over, i felt i wanted to split because I don't want to hold him back from anything or from being who he wants to be you only get one shot at life and his happiness means more to me than my own.
He told me he wants me and only me, our family our life and just us. I can live with the fact he has this feeling I'm not against that in the slightest. I asked him would he resent me if we tried making it work and he 100% so no never he loves me, I'm his Best friend and we have had the best life and given him everything he wants.

So for now we work on us before ending our life its like a rollercoaster and thank you all for reading my excessive rants xx

OP, as long as he hasn't cheated, can you trust that he only wants you? The Grindr thing is a bit worrisome as it's a hook up site? If he's 100% never cheated and he 100% wants you and only you then maybe you can work on it all. Think long-term too. Would this make you anymore insecure than if it were women he was looking at? For me, if my husband looks at porn now and then I don't care at all. But if I had to complete with other men...I would feel insecure. But if you can trust him and if I'm simply projecting then yeah, you could work it out and be happy.

He initially told you he had a niggle in the back of his mind. When pressed/pushed for a truly honest conversation he said he feels 50-50 straight, gay. I'm not sure what they would be defined as but bisexual seems pretty close.

That's quite a jump in s very short space of time. In. Factors not really because he knew before your conversation but wouldn't say that. He's only spoken bout it because you caught him repeatedly on a gay hook up site and looking at gay porn. Then he minimised significantly (niggle in back of my mind I'd never act on - even through browsing gay hook up/dating sites is acting on it, and that's just if that's definitely all he's ever done (browsed), then he admitted he's 50-50/bisexual.

There's a crude saying reflecting bisexuals preferences/norms that i can't remember exactly but it basically says that "dick always wins" i.e. bisexual women almost always end up in a relationship with a man, and bisexual men almost always end up in a relationship with a man.

Whether that could be illicit rather than open in your h's case, I don't know.

But he's certainly not been forthcoming about his sexuality .. until caught and confronted, and then he significantly minimised until pushed. He's also done something that would be considered verging on cheating if not cheating (browsing dating/hook up sites while married with a family) no matter what the gender of the people he's looking at. And you don't know for sure he hasn't communicated with people on here.

I,'m presuming your decision to stay together means you'll all be keeping schtum about his sexuality .. which is why I wrote too lengthy posts outlining everything he's have to lose/deal with if he comes out as bi or gay .. and the resulting motivation he has to remain in his hetero marriage, and convince you (and himself) of his deep live and devotion.

You're taking a big risk with this op, I'm sorry and if the threads on here about similar situations are anything to go by, this will be far from the end of his illicit gay behaviour and you could end up absolutely head fucked, with your self esteem and happiness in bits.

*But it's not really

*two lengthy posts

Just make sure that you are not being used.
He may not be able to cope with having to tell people at this point. He needs to come to terms with it himself first.
Please don’t waste your life if you find out he’s messing you around.

OP, get a full STI check. Just in case he has been less than truthful with you.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Please think about YOUR happiness and sanity. I think your dear husband is full of shit. Sorry. Hugs.

Also be aware you two could be hysterically bonding due to the threat/potential end of your relationship (and everything that goes with it - life as you know it, family as you know it etc.).

I know it's usually a phenomenon associated with outright cheating - but it does happen in any "threat" situation when people are far off being able to end the relationship yet.

I am sorry, I'm going to be blunt. If you continue to have sexual relations with him, please have a STI check every now and then. A man who says he's 50/50 gay/straight and keeps installing Grindr will sleep with a man at some point.