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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband gay?

87 replies

feelinglost85 · 23/08/2020 22:04

Hi All

I am new here as I have no one I can turn too and I just need to talk so someone!

I have been with my husband for for 13yrs and we have 2 children. Our relationship has its ups and downs we don't really argue but we plod by in our own sort of way, at times he can be quite cold towards me (not in a nasty way I can't describe it really).
I work nights and have had my doubts and snooped I saw a message with an activation code for grindr (I excused it as maybe a mate playing a joke etc) but this has now happened a few times when i have been working my night shift.
I looked at internet history (he seems have no recent history so guess he deletes but many months back he visited porn hub and clicked straight on the gay porn section! Unfortunately that day we had lots going on and i was then going straight to work.
The next day I checked his phone whilst he showered in the eve and saw again an activation message from grindr (seen this about 5 times now) I confronted him which he denied and then eventually came up with that he was curious and there has always been something in the back on his mind.
I cannot see his grindr app as he is clearly downloading and deactivating ( I have set up an account to try and find him but couldn't many men have tried to make contact with me with even just my basic profile so I know how easy it can be to chat about all sorts and exactly what people want on there).
He promises me he has never chatted to anyone and he was just browsing to see what people put on there, but why would he do this more than once and Infact the 5 times that I know of but this could be more!
What do I do? he won't give me anything except repeating the above saying over and over he loves me and he married me and wouldn't do that if he was gay!

I feel so alone and don't know what to do or if I can carry on knowing this and I cannot get my head around the fact he would be looking through grindr lots of times and saying he hasn't done anything.

Please help me 😔

OP posts:

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 23/08/2020 22:08

Gay men can be so ashamed of their own feelings ... denying it means nothing. Tell him you need to talk and jaut sit down and talk. Easier said than done but this si more than one off curiosity... and the vehement denial probably means he is also struggling. Not fair on you tho. He can still love you deeply but those feelings feelings ok nt go away if really he wants to explore a side of his life that he has denied, never explored, or been scared of
Talk talk talk.
.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 23/08/2020 22:09

And... it's not personal.... and I hope you are ok.

Eeyorehoney · 23/08/2020 22:09

Here for a hand hold
I don’t really have any advice, but it may be something he is curious about and needs to explore himself before he can explain anything to you. My guess would be he’s having a look and questioning himself but doesn’t feel like it’s worth breaking up the family on ‘just’ a curious though? It must be so hard for you.. I’m sure someone with advice will come along but didn’t want to read and run

Stillseparatedat41 · 23/08/2020 22:14

Sorry OP. That’s tough. I agree that you need a really good honest conversation. This is too important to be fobbed off. Best of luck

Mintychoc1 · 23/08/2020 22:42

Plenty of gay men marry women, because they don’t yet know or accept that they’re gay. So that’s not a valid argument from him.
I couldn’t stand this - he’s basically seeing what’s out there, with a view to cheating on you with another man. It’s only a matter of time before he does it, if he hasn’t already.

CityCommuter · 23/08/2020 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 22:56

Plenty of gay men marry women, because they don’t yet know or accept that they’re gay. So that’s not a valid argument from him.

Phillip Schofield, Michael Barrymore, Freddie Mercury, Oscar Wilde, all the ex wives of several gay men I know and apparently the husband's of a mumnetter a week .. just off the top.of my head.

Knowingly or unknowingly, they do it all the time.

No heterosexual man goes on Grindr out of curiosity. And repeatedly at that.

Don't be a beard, like many gay and bi men he'll never admit it .. you'll never get that honesty. You'll have to end it because he won't.

I'm sorry this had happened to you.

Original poster

feelinglost85 · 24/08/2020 00:32

I am just gutted we have 2 children and I don't know where to start with moving on. We talked and he broke down and said he only wants me, he married me and wouldn't of if he felt otherwise. He said he has had a niggle in the back of his mind but would never act on it.

I am so lost x

OP posts:

Stillseparatedat41 · 24/08/2020 01:40

Oh god so he did admit it’s there . He could be bi or bi-curious. Don’t give up hope. Keep communicating with him.

Anordinarymum · 24/08/2020 01:51

How come the wife is always the last to know when everyone else does because it's so obvious?

One of my neighbours is gay. His wife does not have a clue.

Alison421e · 24/08/2020 04:40

Really sorry. It’s best to find out now than 25 years down the line like has happened to some. Have you tried talking it over with someone in RL that you trust? If you don’t have anyone and are desperate to talk Samaritans are good and you do not have to be suicidal to call them as some people think. Goodluck in what you choose to do x

SarahBellam · 24/08/2020 04:59

My ex was also downloading Grindr. He’s now living happily with his boyfriend. In a sense it doesn’t really matter if your DH is gay or not. This fact is that he is downloading a dating app. How would you feel if he was downloading Tinder?

Zoflorabore · 24/08/2020 05:36

I have similar doubts about my dp too but with zero “evidence” at all. We do not have sex. He has never really been that interested. God knows how I got pregnant

Op I was coming on to ask you about your sex life. If you don’t wish to answer that I totally understand. It’s a very personal situation but could be quite telling. My dp admitted a few years ago that he was a virgin until he met me at 30 despite having had a few girlfriends ( even going to Spain for a week with one of them and no sex )

It’s a horrible feeling. I hope you’re ok

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 07:19

He said he has had a niggle in the back of his mind but would never act on it.

But, strictly speaking, he has already acted on it .. hasn't he? Because he's repeatedly joined and browser around a gay hook up site. Presumably he's telling the truth about not having fine anything like exchanged images or web chatted or met someone but you don't know 100%.

And it's not totally unrealistic to say he might escalate to those things given he keeps signing up and going back in there.

Do you want to always be wondering, always having surveillance on someone? You shouldn't have to constantly check up on what your partner's doing .. if it were a woman doing it because her partner had been on heterosexual dating/sex/hookup sites, we'd be saying the sane thing

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 07:22

Ie. He's actively browsing other people in a romantic/sexual context (probably less of the romantic on Grindr) which I'd inappropriate in a monogamous/committed relationship (whatever the gender of the people) and it's a flag for potential infidelity, even if they (say they) haven't done anything.

Sakurami · 24/08/2020 07:23

It sounds like it, or at least bisexual.

My friend is gay but he's Christian so thinks it's wrong. He's been married for nearly 20 years. I don't know if he's faithful but I know he's slept with men and I know that he couldn't sleep with one of the women that he dated because she told me.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 07:24

Exactly.

Normalmumandwife · 24/08/2020 07:33

The bottom line is yes he is gay or bi. Either way it's cheating but what will be different as illustrated previously with the celebs examples is that if he has gay tendencies then it is something that he keeps pushing back but then resurfaces. Some men that have done that and hidden being gay become mentally ill because of it.

@feelinglost85 the reality is that he has cheated in one way or another and ultimately if he starts having sex with someone else (I suspect he has already) he puts you at risk. All you are doing is delaying the inevitable so I would start talking about divorce.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 07:39

I am just gutted we have 2 children and I don't know where to start with moving on.

Could you get some counselling?

Maybe look at all the practicals of how you'd manage financially etc if you were to separate.

I'm really sorry but I wouldn't be sticking around to see what a man who's keeps repeatedly installing Grindr and "browsing" it and goes straight into the gay section of porch hub, and days he has a "niggle in the back of his head" (have a feeling that's an understatement) us going to do next.

If he hasn't done more than he's admitted to already.

At the very least you're going to have to detach and keep the realisation that he's bi or gay, no matter what he says at the forefront of your mind.

Btw I don't know of any hetero men who watch gay porn either - men tend to be far more set "in grooves" sexually than eg women and studies have shown that.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 07:41

*Porch hub? . Porn obviously.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 07:48

What's also crucial to consider with men like this (and they pop up regularly as posters partners on here) is that they are intensely invested in their image as a straight, conventional, "ordinary", family man .... They will fight tooth and nail to keep that image - especially in front of their family members, and many worry s out how it would affect their work image and prospects if they are known to be gay or bi as well. It's beyond huge. They don't want it known, they'd do and say anything to stop if from getting out - via you for example, the most likely person to ever find out due to the unique level of knowledge and awareness you get, living as their partner for years. Unfortunately you have to keep this in mind when you consider why they are so convinced, so "sincere", and desperate to stay together and for anything you're aware of to be kept hush hush.

These men would not gave gotten caught by the technology in the past and did this for decades with their wives as unknowing beards.

FippertyGibbett · 24/08/2020 07:49

I personally wouldn’t stay.
He’s obviously thinking about it, and I wouldn’t want him to ‘try’ it and then get back in my bed.
It’s your call.

FippertyGibbett · 24/08/2020 07:52

If you take away the gay part and imagine he was doing the same but looking at dating sites and women how would you feel ?
He’s already admitted to looking.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 08:05

(they also know that some of the friends wouldn't accept them as gay/bi or it would ,at the very least, affect their dynamic with them. Men tend to think every gay or bi man is just waiting to jump them at a moment's hesitation, and are unable to act no normally a lot of the time.
A lot of socialising also tends to be done in (heterosexual) couples too.

That's an awful lot for one person to think about losing, or at least being affected and changing .. family, work, social social circle.

It's one thing when you've been out from a young age, and eg the friends you have accepted you & chosen to be friends knowing you're gay ... It's another coming out after decades of apparently being straight, with your life built around that.

I find men bi and gay people using others as beards esp if they are cheating abhorrent but when you look at the implications for their lives (esp if their family isn't likely to be accepting) no wonder they cling so hard.

Original poster

feelinglost85 · 24/08/2020 10:54

I am beyond devastated we talked this morning, I told him I cannot do this and our relationship cannot survive this. After tears and talking he has told me he feels 50/50 straight/gay and has always had his doubts (never acted on them he promises that). He knows the marriage is over and I have told him now is his time to be him you only get one shot at life and although explaining to family will be bumpy he can start to be who he wants to be (even though he doesn't know).

He said he loves me and he is so sorry and that having me and the children was never just doing it to mask who he was everything was genuine.

We are going away with the kids on a family trip with parts of his family and friends today and we will talk about the next step and telling the children who are 5 and 11 when we are back.

My heart is broken into a million pieces right now, how do I carry on? What do I do?

OP posts:

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