Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gay?

87 replies

feelinglost85 · 23/08/2020 22:04

Hi All

I am new here as I have no one I can turn too and I just need to talk so someone!

I have been with my husband for for 13yrs and we have 2 children. Our relationship has its ups and downs we don't really argue but we plod by in our own sort of way, at times he can be quite cold towards me (not in a nasty way I can't describe it really).
I work nights and have had my doubts and snooped I saw a message with an activation code for grindr (I excused it as maybe a mate playing a joke etc) but this has now happened a few times when i have been working my night shift.
I looked at internet history (he seems have no recent history so guess he deletes but many months back he visited porn hub and clicked straight on the gay porn section! Unfortunately that day we had lots going on and i was then going straight to work.
The next day I checked his phone whilst he showered in the eve and saw again an activation message from grindr (seen this about 5 times now) I confronted him which he denied and then eventually came up with that he was curious and there has always been something in the back on his mind.
I cannot see his grindr app as he is clearly downloading and deactivating ( I have set up an account to try and find him but couldn't many men have tried to make contact with me with even just my basic profile so I know how easy it can be to chat about all sorts and exactly what people want on there).
He promises me he has never chatted to anyone and he was just browsing to see what people put on there, but why would he do this more than once and Infact the 5 times that I know of but this could be more!
What do I do? he won't give me anything except repeating the above saying over and over he loves me and he married me and wouldn't do that if he was gay!

I feel so alone and don't know what to do or if I can carry on knowing this and I cannot get my head around the fact he would be looking through grindr lots of times and saying he hasn't done anything.

Please help me 😔

OP posts:
4Naan · 24/08/2020 22:02

Your very first priority should be to get a full sexual health check. I'd be very surprised if he's not already having sex with men. This is a high risk situation for you OP.

myhumps123 · 24/08/2020 22:16

Why is his happiness more important then yours? You have only one shot at life too. OP he will sleep with a man at some point, if he hasn't already. He will go back again and again. If you love someone then set them free and you need to set him free. His life is going in a different direction to yours. He can't give you want you need and vice versa.
I hate to say it but at some point, even if it's in a few years time, he will leave you for a man. He has an itch for gay sex and it won't go away until he gets it. But of course his happiness is important,Confusedeven if it is at the detriment of your own. You need to start being honest and realistic with yourself.

JingsMahBucket · 24/08/2020 22:19

I’m going to side with @HerrenaHarridan in terms of possibly being open with your relationship @feelinglost85. Definitely talk to a counselor together and separately so you each understand what you want and what you need in the relationship. He actually may be telling the truth of wanting to still be with you and you being the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Have you ever heard of Dan Savage? He’s a relationship and sex advice columnist. One of his main philosophies is that monogamy isn’t really for everyone and if especially straight couples realized that almost everyone’s mind strays, then there wouldn’t be so much restrictive judgement around making (straight) marriages work. The repression is damaging to marriages. Here’s an excellent article about the topic: www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html

I’d suggest reading it with your husband and discussing it together, especially while waiting for a counseling slot to open. Good luck.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 22:20

If you are disgusted with him for being who he is then it is done.

You don't have to be disgusted with your husband being gay or bisexual to realise a relationship and marriage with him is not going to work.

You're shaming people, in this case op, for being realistic and having healthy boundaries.

JingsMahBucket · 24/08/2020 22:21

Oh and the reason why I posted this was to suggest being open to both of you seeking something (sexual or intimacy fulfillment) outside your marriage but still having a good strong marriage based on honesty and love.

Kettlingur · 24/08/2020 22:22

I have poly friends and even though some of them resemble the poly prophets in this discussion, most of them agree that mono relationships usually can't be turned into HAPPY poly relationships when the impetus is preventing someone from cheating.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 22:22

(Or rather you would have been shaming her for that if op had gone with her initial instinct & inclination, instead of letting possible hysteria bonding, fear of change etc override those and decide to subject herself to what I fear will develop into a farce. Though it's won't be a comical farce).

myhumps123 · 24/08/2020 22:22

OP do you want a poly relationship? If the answer is no then cut his strings loose? Of course it's going to be hard but you need to start preparing yourself now. Get everything in order.

JingsMahBucket · 24/08/2020 22:26

@Kettlingur
I have poly friends and even though some of them resemble the poly prophets in this discussion, most of them agree that mono relationships usually can't be turned into HAPPY poly relationships when the impetus is preventing someone from cheating.

I agree. It has to be based on honesty and trust through and through.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 22:31

OP do you want a poly relationship?

How likely is it that op,.who appears to have been happy with s conventional, monogamous relationship, marriage & family up til now, would truly want a polyamorous open relationship?

When it would only be because she's discovered her h is "50-50" straight- gay ... How authentic would that decision be.

It's been thrown in as a solution by, as another poster said, a poly prophet and now other posters are running with it. I think its an insult to op and her family.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 22:32

It's just muddying the waters.

Ging7878 · 24/08/2020 22:33

Apologies in advance if I waffle. I have a very close male friend who is gay. He was married for 14 years before he left his wife and 2 children. He said he knew he was gay when he was 12 but then met his wife and fell in love with her. It lasted 14 years before he said his other feelings came back. I think your DH does love you but has been battling this. I think you should discuss all your options and get everything out on table.

GilbertMarkham · 24/08/2020 22:37

If the answer is no then cut his strings loose? Of course it's going to be hard but you need to start preparing yourself now. Get everything in order.

Op is clearly not able to countenance that at the moment, and her h is fighting for his life - allegorically speaking. He'd say anything at this point. He has not been out his entire life and possibly never wants to be, or certainly not at this time. And he needs her silence too.

Have a feeling she'll be back on here in a while though - MN is always here op and some of us may seem very harsh but genuinely do have your best interests at heart.

Beebopbad · 24/08/2020 22:57

I'd be pissed off but I feel one can't stand in the way of another's spiritual happiness. Nor can one neglect their own.

QwertyZXY · 25/08/2020 08:57

@HerrenaHarridan
I wish more posters had your perspective.
Reading the posts for a few months, I am struck by the number of women who will jump on any infraction, no matter how trivial to escalate and inflate the issue rather than take a balanced supportive view.

I don't have any advice, other than this is probably something that you should get a counselor to help you both work through.
You are young enough to move on in your life and find happiness with someone else if that is the right thing for you.
Kids are resilient and will flourish either way.

pipandpoppy · 25/08/2020 08:59

My ex husband came out as a transvestite after 24 years of marriage. I personally (at the back of my mind) always wondered if he was gay. He has since gone on to rapidly have two more children and get married and I'm astounded by how dreadfully unhappy he looks. He's gone from being an extremely handsome and calm man to being bitter, bloated and an alcoholic.
I think it's easier for the younger generation to admit to be gay, however, there still seems to be such a taboo for the people who are now middle aged or above.

Wondersense · 25/08/2020 09:12

@Mintychoc1

Plenty of gay men marry women, because they don’t yet know or accept that they’re gay. So that’s not a valid argument from him. I couldn’t stand this - he’s basically seeing what’s out there, with a view to cheating on you with another man. It’s only a matter of time before he does it, if he hasn’t already.
I think some women are really blind to it. I've seen or met a few women where I've thought 'How can you not know?'.
Wondersense · 25/08/2020 09:17

@Ging7878

Apologies in advance if I waffle. I have a very close male friend who is gay. He was married for 14 years before he left his wife and 2 children. He said he knew he was gay when he was 12 but then met his wife and fell in love with her. It lasted 14 years before he said his other feelings came back. I think your DH does love you but has been battling this. I think you should discuss all your options and get everything out on table.
He fell in love with her but was he sexually attracted to her?
Wondersense · 25/08/2020 09:34

@feelinglost85

We are away and up til that point it was over, i felt i wanted to split because I don't want to hold him back from anything or from being who he wants to be you only get one shot at life and his happiness means more to me than my own. He told me he wants me and only me, our family our life and just us. I can live with the fact he has this feeling I'm not against that in the slightest. I asked him would he resent me if we tried making it work and he 100% so no never he loves me, I'm his Best friend and we have had the best life and given him everything he wants.

So for now we work on us before ending our life its like a rollercoaster and thank you all for reading my excessive rants xx

He told me he wants me and only me, our family our life and just us.

I think he's terribly confused and panicing. He wants to maintain your life together and probably feels shame if you told the family the reasons why you're splitting.

Just be careful and be aware that despite any tears or upset you may see now, in 10 years' time you might have a man knock on the door saying he's been sleeping with your husband for all that time, or if he's sexually promiscuous, your husband might give you an STD. Then you will look back at yourself and regret investing in someone who clearly was not going to give you what you expected or needed.

Ging7878 · 25/08/2020 09:43

Wondersense:
On the basis they had 2 biological children together I presume yes, he was sexually attracted to her. There was no viagra in them days. He said he fell in love with her as a person

GilbertMarkham · 25/08/2020 11:27

There was no viagra in them days

For the sake of argument, gay men have been having sex with and impregnating women since the dawn of time without Viagra.

Some famous ones had dozens of children.

Sorry to be crude but for some men sex is sex, penetration is penetration and if they need to phase out and fantasise, they can.

But lots are bi anyway so ..

GilbertMarkham · 25/08/2020 11:27

*zone out, not phase out

Sakurami · 25/08/2020 12:08

I had a short relationship with a man and the way we had sex made me wonder if he was gay. He said all the right words but sex was always in the pitch black and always doggy style with not much interest in my female bits. I'd never had sex like this before.

Normalmumandwife · 25/08/2020 13:44

The reality is is if you stay with him you will never trust he isn't having sex with men. It isn't easy holding back gay feelings . The ex first minister of Wales found this out and engaged in some very risky behaviour.

HerrenaHarridan · 25/08/2020 18:43

The homophobia on this thread is repeated, shameless and unchallenged.

Plenty of bi women and men hold down happy mono relationships. Bi people are not inherent nymphomaniacs who can’t control themselves.

Loads of posters are pushing LTB ‘you can never trust him’ ‘he wants to fuck men!’but I get told I have an agenda and called a ‘poly prophet’ for mentioning that mono isn’t the only option!