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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have ruined my life

179 replies

Mylifeisamess0 · 23/08/2020 21:56

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 25/08/2020 21:41

@Mylifeisamess0 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LISTEN TO YOUR THERAPIST.

Anything else is just really, really stupid. You need to start doing what you need to not what your weakness tells you to do or you are going to end up more miserable, controlled and abused than you can possibly imagine.

And your support network will be burnt and you will have to live with the fact that it is your own foolishness that out you there.

Because going back would be truly stupid. Really, really ridiculous. And possibly dangerous.

Dery · 25/08/2020 21:46

It's good to hear the OM has got a grip of himself.

Your DH is not giving time you to think though, is he? He is deliberately invading your thoughts with his 'kind' messages. There's nothing kind about what he's doing - it's entirely selfish. He is not respecting your boundaries at all. He had 25 years in which to be kind and treat you well and he failed. It's very revealing that he is now behaving decently - now that he realises what he may have lost - but he couldn't be bothered to do so previously because he assumed he had you under his thumb and you would put up with whatever treatment he dished out. Your therapist has the measure of him. Please continue working with her.

You need to find the strength to tell your DH that he needs to leave you alone because otherwise he is not giving you what you need. His incursions are preventing you from having the time to yourself which you need and if he doesn't stop messaging you, you will have to block him and communication concerning the children will need to go via a third party. Otherwise, he will just continue to manipulate you.

QuentinWinters · 26/08/2020 08:03

Start writing stuff down and look at it when you are doubting yourself.
I know what you mean about imagining it all, I feel like that too sometimes. That's because he's conditioned you to think your view on the relationship is irrelevant and wrong.

workhomesleeprepeat · 26/08/2020 11:43

@Mylifeisamess0

Thank you for all the replies. The other man has replied that he will take a step back as he doesn’t want to make me ill. DH said he will give me more time to think but he is now being extra nice and sending messages. I’m still doing the therapy so that is helping. The therapist said DH may change for a bit but he’s just trying to get back his control. When I speak to the therapist it all makes sense but when confronted with DH being kind I feel like I’m going crazy and imagined how bad it was before he left??
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY

Your 'D' h is just trying to reel you back in to your miserable marriage.

Please listen to your therapist. This is the only person in your life making sense at the minute it seems.

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