I have ruined my life

[Mylifeisamess0]

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

@MitziK 100% correct. Jus ping from one looser to the other one.

If you can't do this for yourself, then do it for your DC. They deserve a calm, peaceful, loving home with no tension or drama going on.

Leave both men. There are plenty of resources out there to help you.

Be on your own for a while. This too shall pass.

OP, you wrote ''15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time''

That is NOT a man you want to be returning to.( He's cheated, repeatedly ! He's controlled you by getting you pregnant and stopping you accessing money so you couldn't leave !)

You also wrote ''The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him''

This is ALSO NOT a man you want to go back to. (He's blackmailing you FFS, and if he gets away with it, it'll just be the beginning of HIS reign over you !)

Neither of these men have YOUR interests at heart, only their own.

Please, please do NOT allow either of these arseholes back into your life.

YOU need to be single and to sort out your own life, without somebody else pulling the strings and calling the shots ! THIS is where you grow up ! Start managing your own life, today.

“YOU need to be single and to sort out your own life, without somebody else pulling the strings and calling the shots ! THIS is where you grow up ! Start managing your own life, today.”

This. You need to spend some time (and I mean several months at least) living as a single adult with your DCs and without either of these men. You don’t properly know yourself and what you’re capable of, and it’s causing you to act rashly.

You sound like you can’t face displeasing these men. But the truth is that you can’t do the growing you need to do unless you displease them by saying you need to be alone for now.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - this is your one shot. It took you years to find the strength to leave. Don’t undo all that work now.

The OM knowingly took the risk of getting emotionally and sexually involved with you at a time when you were very vulnerable - that’s on him. You don’t owe him a relationship.

I’ve never felt so ill in my life. All the stress is too much for me. I don’t know how to cope with it.

The diazepam can be very useful in situations like this but only in the short term. Make sure you only take it a few times in a row and only when you really need it as it can be physically addictive and that will only add to your problems. At the moment everything must feel terrible but that’s because you’ve been worn down mentally. Being by yourself for a bit will be the best thing. I would be honest with other man and hope he will leave you alone peacefully. Otherwise go to the police. Also keep your distance from your husband and take things very very slow. After so long it’s unfortunately very unlikely he will change. If he really can be a good person he will respect your wishes. You can get through this.

You have no choice but to cope with it for the sake of your children.
I get that you’re feeling extremely overwhelmed in this situation and I have been through tough times where I have felt I’m staring into a black hole with no way out.
Like I said you have kids that need you.
You need to now start thinking rationally and start dealing with this situation head on
Text the OM, tell you ex the truth and try to then move forward positively for yourself and your kids.

I realise you are extremely worried about the aftermath but you are only delaying the inevitable anyway. It needs to be dealt with, you’re just going round in circles.

Tell the OM it's over, today. He may make a nuisance of himself but if he does then call the police. He may tell you how hurt he is but you and your DC are your priority so frankly it's tough, he's a big boy and he'll get over it, probably pretty fast when he realises he can no longer manipulate you.

Remain on your own with the support from your family, relevant authorities if necessary and help with the DC from your 'D'H. Whether you tell him about the OM or not is down to you, but now you're separated I don't see a need to. Listen to others here who are telling you that leopards do not change their spots. He is only saying he'll change his ways as another way of manipulating you to do his bidding, because a narcissist can't stand not being in control.

You are a grown Woman perfectly capable of looking after your children, you don't need any controlling deadbeat of a Man in the picture. Not now and not ever.

I’ve messaged other man I think it’s best to end the relationship and I am going to try and keep my distance from dh. No reply from either yet. I feel like my head is just a big whirl.

That's a great step in the right direction OP, well done!!

You have done the right thing OP just hold your nerve. Be strong, think of yourself and your children and no one else currently and don’t let either of them manipulate you, it’s time for you to move on and have a clear head for your future.

Well done OP.

Now block OM.

Thank you so much for everyone’s support. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out. I was scared to post because I know it’s a mess of my own making but I was just in a bad situation and made stupid choices. Which have left me feeling like I’m having a breakdown. My head is like a big fuzz, I don’t know how I’m going to give the children what they deserve. I’m already burnt out from lockdown I feel I have nothing left of me.

Just a warning to anyone never to have an affair, even if you are in an abusive situation. It might feel like a life saver at the beginning and lovely to have the attention and support but later down the line it will break you.

I’m now in the situation of grieving DH and OM while trying to care for three children, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

And both feel like trauma bonds, but with DH a very very bad one it’s awful

It will all work out... has OM replied ?

You will be ok

I know what that’s like I have been in such a state from depression I considered suicide. I could never do it to my children or my family. My girls needed me.
I was burnt out, a shell just existing. I found the strength but it took a while. You will find it too, just dig deep and keep going, it’s all you can do.

My mum always said to me “take guilt out your life” yes you haven’t made the best choice regarding having an affair but there’s no point beating yourself up over something that has already passed. You cannot change it. You can however change your decisions for the future and now act in the best interests of your little family.

You will honestly feel better in time but it will take time, focus on yourself, children. Get through each day, baby steps.

Life is very complicated, everyone at some point has been their own worst enemy.

You’ve done the worst bit now and told him. You can block him now.

One step at a time, OP. You’re actually doing really well to stay strong.

Based on posts from other MNers who’ve been where you are, this is the hardest part as you detach yourself from the abusive relationship(s).

One MNer who’d left an abusive relationship expressed it amazingly well - she said it’s like escaping a burning building. You may get burnt as you escape, you may even break an ankle leaping to safety, but it’s infinitely preferable to staying in the burning building.

Aside from your mum (who doesn’t sound very helpful), do you have a friend you can talk to in real life as well as posting on here? Perhaps even try calling the Samaritans. Talking in real life should help relieve some of the pressure on you.

It’s hard with three children but try to pamper yourself also. Maybe a nice bath this evening with some soothing bath oils and/or a box set. YouTube has lots of really soothing music on it.

One step at a time and you’ll get where you need to be.

Ah OP, I know you feel in such a difficult place right now but with so much going on I feel as if being alone for a while is what you need. There is a big difference between what someone wants and what they need and it reads as if you need some time to untangle yourself first before you can start to think about a new relationship. Try to see it as some time to heal, yes it hurts right now but you will feel better later.

Take care.

@Mylifeisamess0

Thank you so much for everyone’s support. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out. I was scared to post because I know it’s a mess of my own making but I was just in a bad situation and made stupid choices. Which have left me feeling like I’m having a breakdown. My head is like a big fuzz, I don’t know how I’m going to give the children what they deserve. I’m already burnt out from lockdown I feel I have nothing left of me.

You'll be grand.

No cheating, lying, false-promising husband, no controlling, clingy, blackmailing boyfriend - just you and your kids.

As per your choices;

1. Kicking your husband out - good choice.
2. Getting involved with somebody else - not brilliant when it was before you kicked the husband out, but you wouldn't have done it without your husband being such a turd to you in the first place. And he was right that your husband was an abusive dick.
3. Realising very quickly that the boyfriend wasn't any better and that it needed to end - good choice.

I suggest that if he does try and be all 'I'll tell your husband', either deny it. Or own it - 'It's not as if you haven't done it to me'.

Stupid choices would be;

1. Staying with the boyfriend one moment longer.
2. Taking the husband back.

Doesn't mean they can't hurt, be scary or have their own difficulties, but they are still the best choices that you've made for yourself and your children.

You're all over the place because you've got two men playing tug of war with you when you just want to be happy and secure with your children. Step back from the pair of them and you won't be pulled in multiple directions at once.

And then you will be fine.

Thank you

Read everything you can on toxic people. Anti social personality disorders- narcissists, sociopaths. There are articles and podcasts and you tube videos all online. Start now. Recognise what sort of men they are. Recognise that you're a mess because of the manipulation. Stop blaming yourself, it's not doing any good. The more information you have, the stronger you will become.

Hi there. I have been in this exact same situation although my ex moved on very quickly so no option of going back.

I understood exactly how you are feeling with and nausea, waking up in the night and not coping. I also got the OM refusing to let go and in the end it got pretty ugly.

The problem is that there is I ly one way out of this. Only one way to free yourself from it all and that's honesty. You MUST tell your ex husband what has happened. You also MUST break free of the OM. it'll be a painful process on both fronts but in time things will settle.

I thought I had ruined my life too and would have given anything for my ex to take me back at one point. Further down the line now and I can see that that would have been a huge mistake. You can't be who u want to be by going back to something that wasn't right. It's not fair on you or him.

It's so easy to look back and feel like you have walked away from a perfect situation but it's not the case. For you to reach out to someone else you must have been unhappy in the first place.

I walked away from both, bought my own house, got a new job and u can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life. I still have my ups and downs but my life is my own again.

Please message me if you would like to chat. I understand the pain u are in x