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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have ruined my life

179 replies

Mylifeisamess0 · 23/08/2020 21:56

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylifeisamess0 · 23/08/2020 22:27

New guy thinks we are going to live happily ever after but I just think I didn’t see the red flags as I was trying to escape my ex and was just greatful for some support

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylifeisamess0 · 23/08/2020 22:28

Periododo because without the other mans support i never would have made dh leave. My therapist thinks it’s an exit affair but I am missing dh so much and he really wants to change and I just miss him like crazy

OP posts:
Peridodo · 23/08/2020 22:32

I would suggest you tell DH about the OM and then tell OM it’s over and that DH knows about him.

Peridodo · 23/08/2020 22:33

What else can you do if you really want to try again with DH?

Dragongirl10 · 23/08/2020 22:34

If you really want to give it another go with your original partner then you need to;
break it off with OM. Say 'This is not for me l am sorry, if you care for me at all you will respect my wishes' and repeat as necessary.

Gather your courage and say to ex partner ' I have struggled very badly after your affairs and behavior and need to tell you that l too have had an affair but it is over'
Tell him that you wish to give it one more go, but set some ground rules to deal with the issues, ie no affairs, both commit, plan for more balanced financial split etc.

Then you have nothing to fear from OM.

You seem to be a walk over to both of these men,so if you really want things to be different you have to take control. Work out your best case scenario and take action. Good luck.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 23/08/2020 22:34

Oh op. You have jumped from one abuser to another. Please end it with om and do not get back with your husband. You are worth more than both of them. Sort out access between husband and children and any maintenance he needs to pay and give yourself plenty of space to heal. Eventually you will find someone who is not abusive. Dont settle for your husband because hes a little less abusive than the om.

Lilyargin · 23/08/2020 22:34

Narcissists don’t change! Your OM is an emotional blackmailer. You should get away from both of them. If you do that, you will eventually be so glad so did.
Flowers

sensiblesometimes · 23/08/2020 22:35

shake them both off and be free,
imagine the relief

Barton10 · 23/08/2020 22:35

I was in this position and stayed with the other man. He was far more controlling and made my life hell. After five years I left and it took 2 years of harassment, stalking and police involvement to get rid of him. I had to move out of the area as the police feared he would never stop. Be honest with your husband and if the other man carries on harassing you then call the police. Being on your own is fine and you can do it. Much better than being unhappy just to have somebody .

category12 · 23/08/2020 22:35

You don't really have an option but to tell your ex-dh that you've been seeing someone else. It'll come out one way or another, so it's better coming from you.

Him cutting you loose would be a good result, for your own sake, as if he decides to stick around and "forgive you", the chances are he will use it as a stick to beat you with forever.

Neither of these men are any good.

There's more to life than being with some man.

Fleetheart · 23/08/2020 22:35

Agree with the others. You absolutely need to get rid of other man. Your ex DH also sounds highly difficult. In your shoes I would now be thinking about getting rid of them both. You can do it. You don’t need to be subjected to their anger!! Life is too short to keep suffering

Lugubelenus · 23/08/2020 22:38

Go back to your husband. Tell him everything. Don't allow yourself to be blackmailed into staying with your affair partner. If he harasses you, call the police.

HowFastIsTooFast · 23/08/2020 22:39

OP why is this a choice between them? You don't need either of these abusive twats!

You say that you can't cope with DC on your own but if they small 15 years ago they must be grown and fairly self-sufficient now?

Sack both of these losers off and spend some time with your friends and family before making any more knee-jerk decisions, for goodness sake.

(And if OM turns up on your doorstep angry then phone the bloody police!)

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 22:40

Why should he leave - you only did what he did - after he did it!!!

You stayed do why shouldn't he?

Tbh it seems like he'lll.just back to how he's been for years of you do go back to him and he gets secure again.

You were right to leave an abuser. Make him take the kids for the time he should taken them, no excuses and you get your "help".

New man was a good support to leave ... If he's not relationship material, he's not.

You can meet someone else in time.

HesterShaw1 · 23/08/2020 22:40

OP it sounds as though you need some time on your own with just your kids to work on your self worth. You do not need either if these men. You are enough on your own

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 22:41
  • you stayed so why shouldn't he?
userxx · 23/08/2020 22:42

You need time alone and a decent amount of it.

Shedpaint · 23/08/2020 22:43

You cannot return to your Dh unless you are honest about the other man. It wouldn’t be the right thing to do if you want a trusting relationship and you will be so anxious of him finding out It will make you ill. It’s no basis to try and make a relationship work.

But that aside your DH will not have suddenly changed no matter what he says. You are looking at him now with rose tinted glasses because he is making the right noises.
Reflect back on why you were so unhappy. You describe him as abusive and a narcissist. Is that really who you want to be with?

The new man sounds a shove and controlling

You need to be alone and work on your self esteem and sense of who you are. You seem to have lost sight of what a healthy relationship feels like. Neither of these men are offering that. You do not have to choose the rock or the hard place.

Your option is to be on your own.
Take something like the Freedom programme or approach women’s aid to try and understand more about control and abuse.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 22:44

I should add that in.additiin to.returnung to.his norm, if your DH finds out about I'm and stays, u bet he'll make your life fkg miserable harping on about it (even though he'd be total hypocrite).and it'll be even worse than before.

Why don't you give it some time to get settled on your own, give yourself s chance. And as I said - why on earth isn't your DH having his kids for a portion of the time, he's their other parent, you need s break; push that.

Mrsmadevans · 23/08/2020 22:44

Narcs never change

MNX42 · 23/08/2020 22:45

Your husband didn't care when you were hurting, and the only reason he cares now is because HE is hurting. Don't kid yourself that he's being nice for your benefit - he's just reeling you in. Dump them both and do the Freedom Programme to help you set some boundaries.

xsquared · 23/08/2020 22:45

Please, please do not be manipulated by the other man. He saw that you were vulnerable and exploited you. You need to block him and tell him in no uncertain terms to leave you well alone. If he doesn't respect that, then you'll have to get police involved for harassment.

Is there a trusting friend that you can go to?

Wishing you the best op.

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 23/08/2020 22:46

Of course you miss your dh, you've been with him for a quater of a century! That's a long time to be with someone so missing him is natural. But that doesn't change the fact that you have been miserable for over 15 years! You won't suddenly get over your marriage ending in just a month, it takes time. But it does get easier. Dump both men. Unless you want another 15yrs of unhappiness of course

Vodkacranberryplease · 23/08/2020 22:48

@MitziK

Oh, for heaven's sake, just dump the pair of them.

They're both arseholes.

This. Absolutely nothing else too add.

Apart from FFS.

oakleaffy · 23/08/2020 22:50

@MitziK

Oh, for heaven's sake, just dump the pair of them.

They're both arseholes.

THIS, squared.

Bloody hell, Live alone, or with DC.
Who needs a man who is controlling /unfaithful /loud ?

No one! Put on your independent pants and do without the pair of them.

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