I have ruined my life

[Mylifeisamess0]

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

Sorry I’ve not read the whole thread, but have you spoken to the GP about how you are feeling, unable to get out of bed and anxious ?

Oh come on, now - he knew the situation, you "dragged" him into nothing - he's a full grown adult man who made his own decisions.

Why are you taking responsibility for other adults' actions and emotions? Stop that right now, and only take responsibility for your own.

Just read your update Mylife. Fact is, people will sometimes be angry and upset at being dumped. He may well feel all of those things. But it’s not your responsibility to help him deal with that. You have the right to leave any relationship at any time.

If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment could you just tell him that you need some time to yourself right now and could he respect that? Then break things off fully and finally when you’re feeling stronger and more steady and able to stand firm against any opposition/venting from him?

Could you get another sim and number so that once you’ve done it you can turn your number off and not have to deal with fielding texts and calls from him?

She’s not normally supportive so I’m surprised at the offer and grabbed it with both hands

I could send the text then block him but I feel he deserves more than that. He was there for me at my lowest points. I did like him but just keep noticing more and more things I don’t like

Maybe telling him I need some time for myself could work. I don’t want to string him along though.

Send him the message then block his number so you can't see any of the replies. Then he cant guilt you into changing your mind. If he turns up call the police. Bring your mum for support and just tell her the truth. You need some support right now because you are making yourself ill trying to cover everything up
You will be OK though. Just take it one day at a time

GP knows about sbusive DH but not about my affair. He has given me diazepam to take at night for the panic attacks

Right if you feel you’re having a breakdown prioritise that and ring the drs surgery to speak to a dr. Tell them everything you’ve told us.

They won’t be shocked someone being pressured by two abusive men is struggling & they’ll have heard it all before.

But honestly dump them both they both like abusing you.

You do need to end it with OM, you need to send the text and state that you need to be on your own with the DCs that anything else is too much for you and you will not discuss it.

Please do not give your ex another chance he is a narcissist he will make you really suffer if you let him back, you will be punished for daring to end it with him.

You feel ill because of the trauma bond, it will take time but it will pass.

You will not start to get out of this mess without dumping the OM and telling your ex about the affair. It will only get worse.

From there your ex will either forgive you and, given that you say he has had several affairs (is this your first?) he would be a terrible hypocrite if he did not, or not.

If he does you can think about whether trying to rebuild your marriage is what you both want. If he doesn’t you can sort out a proper divorce and get on with your lives as co parents.

If you stay as you are the mental pressure of living a lie will keep on building up.

OP you owe the OM nothing. The nice thing to do went out of the window when he blackmailed you. He really isn’t a good person, I think he’s taken advantage of your situation and vulnerability.

I would send a stern text simply saying it’s over, you want time to yourself and nothing further to do with him and block. Threaten with the Police if he persists in contacting you.

First and most important step now is to get rid of him ASAP.

That’s good you’re in touch with your GP. If you’re feeling really anxious or overwhelmed definitely make an appointment and go and speak to them.

You don’t have to string him along but you can just take a bit of time out from it all to gather your thoughts. Fair enough that you don’t want to just block him, although you need to think of yourself as first priority – that is the most important thing right now.

Maybe if you got a cheap sim to use in the meantime (think you can pick them up for 99p or similar in lots if shops) you could take the sim out and just put it back in at times when you feel able to read and respond to any messages. But at least then have control and not be on edge if your phone keeps going off with emotional messages and calls from him.

Do you have any plans for today?

If your DH has been controlling and a narc for years, I don't think things will change if you went back. He's just telling you what you want to hear. You'll find this out if you move back. It will be like nothing happened.

It sounds like you need time away from both of them to work out what you truly want. But I get the feeling you'll go back to the DH and still be miserable. Sad really because life is too short

Dump the other man. If he harasses you, you are entitled to phone the police.

PP are right, you owe neither of these men anything - your H is only offering to change now because you've left him and OM sounds equally controlling. Tbf your DM doesn't sound that supportive either with her suggestion that you 'pull yourself together'.

Why do you think you won't be able to cope on your own with the DCs? What practical help do you think you'll need with that? Removing the pressures put upon you by H & OM will make your life so much easier.

Get support for your mental health but you've actually got the upper hand here. Dump both of these arseholes and build a much brighter future for yourself.

I wish I could get a face to face appointment with a GP. I keep getting a telephone appointment with whoever is available and it’s always the same man. He said he is my point of contact now because he knows the situation. His suggestion was to leave both men and take the diazepam at night to help sleep. I phoned again said I was struggling and he said I can increase the dose.

You're going to have to take the bull by the horns and tell your hubby.
You cant live in fear like this or be blackmailed. Whatever the consequences, take back control and get the other guy out of your life! You can sort things with your hubby one way or another then

His suggestion was to leave both men and take the diazepam at night to help sleep. What else do you expect the doctor to say, tho?

Only you have the power to resolve your own situation. Only you can take those steps for yourself. And you can do it.

Speak to Women's Aid and domestic abuse services in your area about support leaving these manipulative and abusive men. Do the Freedom Programme.

Your mental health will improve when you are no longer subject to these guys' manipulative behaviour.

Independence is created by being independent. It's not external, it's internal, by doing it, by getting through each day, by acknowledging the little victories and being kind to yourself and being responsible for yourself. By telling yourself you can, instead of listening to all the voices that say you can't.

OP, first I’m sending you a big hug, as you sound overwhelmed and like you need one.
Second, please get yourself some real life support to deal with all this. Your therapist is absolutely right about trauma bonding - speak to your friends, to Women’s Aid, and the Samaritans, and do the Freedom program. Build up your strength and self esteem, so that you can dump both bastards.
You need to work with your therapist to discover why you keep seeking out abusive codependent relationships instead of normal loving ones. Until you understand that, you should avoid dating anyone, or you will simply repeat your pattern with a third abuser.

Lose your fear of being alone. It is way better than a bad relationship and you do not need a man to lean on. A good man is a nice optional extra in your life, but not a necessity.
The longer you manage on your own, the more your confidence will grow, and with the perspective of distance you will wonder why you ever put up with those two shits!

OP, your OM would of known exactly what he was doing when he started a physical relationship with you. No nice, genuine person would have started an affair with you knowing your circumstances at the time, they would have drawn a line at being supportive and at least waited till you had split with your DH, or just not got involved at all. It's totally on him that he didn't do this. He has chosen to take advantage of you when vulnerable and used it to his own ends, so quit feeling sorry for him, end it fully without being open-ended or vague, then block.
Your narcissist ex, you will find , will display his best behaviour and be most helpful until the point where he knows he has you back, then he will revert to being the twat he was. So if you want to get the most family and financial support out of your ex, keep separate and co parent. You don't have to tell him at this stage if you find it too hard. If he finds out, it's better that you are not with him at the time, he will blame you, but at the end of the day he can't throw stones as he has done far worse to you in the past, on multiple occasions.
Should your ex find out, you can then tell him that OM has since been dumped, but also say to him that you don't want him back either - he may well keep trying to win you back by being nice to you, but if he switches back to being nasty, then make the split permanent.

Everyone is telling you the same thing, OP, your therapist, the GP, posters on here and that is:

Leave both men.

They are saying it because it is the best thing for you, neither of these men are good for you.

Learn to be on your own or you’ll never feel “free”

OP no MH professional or doctor is going to support you in going back to your ex.

Wake up and grow up and lose the self pity because it's ruining your life, not these men. Abusers don't change, they draw you back in and then they become a lot worse. In the millions of posts on mumsnet you will not find one single one where someone has returned to an sbusive/narcissist man and it's all been ok because he changed.

Such posts do not exist. Because it doesn't happen. I have seen a number on the other thread where they went back and the abuse escalated and they were stuck because they had burnt their support system. That Happens.

You keep going back to the dr hoping to get a different person and a green light for this madness. Not happening because it's an appalling idea. The only thing that needs to happen is you need to leave both and work on why you are like this. Why these men get past your gatekeeper and why you keep putting up with it.

As for the OM. He's a total cunt, worse than your ex if that's possible. You shoukd be saying that and telling him he's welcome to tell your ex but if he does your ex will be angry with him and it won't go well. For him.

I think women’s aid would be of use to you op.

Men like this can spot a potential new victim a mil off so it’s likely OM targeted you especially.