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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have ruined my life

179 replies

Mylifeisamess0 · 23/08/2020 21:56

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

OP posts:
ChristmasCarcass · 23/08/2020 22:50

Can OM actually prove you've been sleeping with him? Because if not, I'd be telling DH a very edited version of the truth, basically making out you thought this guy was a platonic friend and was supporting you through your marriage troubles out of kindness, but he turned out to be a delusional stalker, then telling OM to get to fuck.

I'd also break up with your DH, abusers don't change. The "edited version" part is just to minimise the shitstorm as it happens. I would not want two abusive men pissed off at me at once. I'm not suggesting getting back with him under false pretences.

oakleaffy · 23/08/2020 22:51

Edit: Your husband ''Won't change''...That is what they all say, but never do 🤔

IndieTara · 23/08/2020 22:52

You've just swapped one abuser for another!
Your DH just looks a better bet now because he's 'better the devil
You know'
You need to be rid of both of them and take time to
Learn how to be on your own.
If you don't , abuse will be a repeating pattern throughout your whole life

goingtotown · 23/08/2020 22:55

Clear your conscience & tell your DH.

UniversalAunt · 23/08/2020 22:55

‘ You need to be alone and work on your self esteem and sense of who you are. You seem to have lost sight of what a healthy relationship feels like. Neither of these men are offering that. You do not have to choose the rock or the hard place.

Your option is to be on your own.
Take something like the Freedom programme or approach women’s aid to try and understand more about control and abuse.’

THIS

sensiblesometimes · 23/08/2020 22:58

let the shit hit the fan , it will then get better .
you are stuck in a rut right now

merrytombombadil · 23/08/2020 22:59

Your DJ won't change. Narcissists enjoy drama, he's doing everything he can to get back with you now so he can punish you properly for leaving him. The new guy sounds horrid and manipulative and he is blackmailing you. Dump him. He probably won't even say anything to your DH as once he realises you're off the cards completely, he'll have nothing to gain by doing so. Go to a women's refuge if necessary - you need to feel safe and desperately need to escape both these men.

merrytombombadil · 23/08/2020 22:59

DH sorry

oakleaffy · 23/08/2020 22:59

@category12

You don't really have an option but to tell your ex-dh that you've been seeing someone else. It'll come out one way or another, so it's better coming from you.

Him cutting you loose would be a good result, for your own sake, as if he decides to stick around and "forgive you", the chances are he will use it as a stick to beat you with forever.

Neither of these men are any good.

There's more to life than being with some man.

So true. I had a friend who went back to her abuser, after a break of years- She was right back in the mess of it again, but pregnant this time-

She never felt able to ''live alone''....I just hope, wherever she is, she manages to find that confidence to live without an abusive asshole in her life.
She attracted assholes like crazy.
She was very passive and acquiescent..and these douche bags used and abused her.
OP, you can do better.
Why be a doormat, your husband will fling the affair in your face once the 'honeymoon period' wears off.
Be strong! Flowers

Inkpaperstars · 23/08/2020 23:04

Leave other man, so what if he is making threats. What are you going to do, stay with him forever? Your DH has not become a saint overnight. Live alone with your DC and get counselling or the freedom course. If your DH really has changed and loves you, he won't go anywhere. But I bet when you see what you can really do you won't go back.

Do this. This crisis is not the trap it seems, it is your chance to change things and use the momentum of the upheaval to break free.

wishfultinkerer · 23/08/2020 23:06

“You need to be alone and work on your self esteem and sense of who you are. You seem to have lost sight of what a healthy relationship feels like.“

Well said. OP you feel guilty about your DH and indebted to the OM and worried about what both of them think or do and you deserve better. Years spent with your DH has made your self esteem go through the floor. Get away from them both and seek counselling and focus on you.

Singinginshower · 23/08/2020 23:08

OP
I strongly suggest you seek counselling before making any big decisions about reconciling with your DP.
And I agree with PPs about dumping the new bloke

oakleaffy · 23/08/2020 23:17

@Mylifeisamess0

Even though I am now happily single, I googled ''Freedom Course''....

My 'sample video', only three minutes long, was ''The Bully''..... and it brought tears to my eyes, it reminded me so much of my dear friend, and what she endured/is enduring.

If you can take a look, it may help- I have heard it mentioned a lot, and it is free for many people.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WonderHike · 23/08/2020 23:34

Your husband is being nice now because he faces the prospect of being alone. You were with him for 25 years. I wouldn’t expect a dramatic change in character after consistently abusive behaviour over all those many years.

You are comparing him to this new man and judging your DH to be the least worse option. It might feel like out if the frying pan into the fire / better the devil you know. However the new man is a red herring. Other men are available. The relationship was clearly helpful in lending you the support you needed at the time to leave, however it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him forever now.

What you need is support. This man supported you leaving your husband and now you want to get away from the new man you’re not sure where to turn (by the sounds of it). Stay in touch with the refuge and seek support there. Keep talking to them.

Do you have anyone else IRL you can talk to about this?

You are incredibly strong and brave to leave your husband and recognise the abusive behaviour for what it was. You don’t need to make any decisions right now but going back could be a one-way street (it took many years to leave last time). Seek out the support you need to help you get settled and established by yourself. Keep talking to us here.

TitsOutForHarambe · 23/08/2020 23:41

Dump this new guy right now. He's blackmailing you inyo staying with him. That's so horrible. If you give in to this demand and allow him to do this to you then you are setting a precedent for an abusive relationship. Don't give him that power. Ditch him now. Let him call DH. Let him turn up on your doorstep if he insists. You can ring the police. Always ring the police everytime you feel afraid of him.

As for your DH... I'm not really sure why you'd want him back. He's only being nice because he's worried he will lose you. If he cares so much then why did he treat you so badly for so long?

he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling

He treated you like shit. Nobody deserves this. You can do so much better.

GarlicSoup · 23/08/2020 23:52

@MitziK

Oh, for heaven's sake, just dump the pair of them.

They're both arseholes.

^ This with bells on.
WatieKatie · 24/08/2020 00:06

OP, the other man doesn’t sound kind. If he genuinely cared for you he would accept you wanting to try again with your DH. Blackmail is a terrible thing to do to someone.

You sound like a very sweet lady who deserves better than both of these men.

If I was you I’d dump this chap ASAP. He isn’t nice. Chances are he won’t tell your DH & it is an idle threat.

Personally I think you’d be best off having time alone. Unfortunately there is no easy way out.

Good luck

Anordinarymum · 24/08/2020 00:10

@MitziK

Oh, for heaven's sake, just dump the pair of them.

They're both arseholes.

I hate to say this but I agree OP.
Settleandcalm · 24/08/2020 00:14

DH will change for a bit, then be a cock again when his feet are back under the table.

New man is also obviously an arse.

Take the opportunity that presents itself and cut ties with new man / do not let DH back. Find out who you are. Guranteee you’ll find your single strength and be fine.

Oh and Ex DH should be splitting money for the kids anyway, he’s not doing you a favour!!

backseatcookers · 24/08/2020 00:20

OP, the other man doesn’t sound kind. If he genuinely cared for you he would accept you wanting to try again with your DH. Blackmail is a terrible thing to do to someone.

So, so much this.

He sounds like a horrible, spiteful and manipulative person. Can you see the side of him now people have pointed it out?

You need to be single and clear your head before thinking about relationships again, this is all proof you're not in the right headspace to recognise what's healthy or not.

notangelinajolie · 24/08/2020 00:25

Ditch them both.
Your DH is not nice and neither is the the other man. Be strong, you don't need either of them.

DishingOutDone · 24/08/2020 01:11

How old are your DC? Have they been watching all of this unfold?

You sound like you have very low self esteem to think that you have to chose one of these twats now or be alone - being alone would be MUCH better than all this drama.

Original poster
Mylifeisamess0 · 24/08/2020 07:21

I woke up at 2am had a panic attack, then spent an hour being sick. I feel like I’m having a breakdown Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Mylifeisamess0 · 24/08/2020 07:22

My dc are 15, 11 and 5 but have no idea what’s going on they think DH is looking after his sick mum at the moment

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Original poster
Mylifeisamess0 · 24/08/2020 07:23

I feel like I want to end things with OM, then have some time to think about DH without that hanging over me. But I think OM will kick off big time

OP posts: