I have ruined my life

[Mylifeisamess0]

I have been with dh 25 years, 15 years ago he had several affairs, I stayed because of young dc. He was useless with DC never helped at all. He also was financially controlling so I went back to work. I had wanted to leave for a long time, then I did something stupid and got friendly with a man from work. He emotionally supported me for a year, then I went on a date with him. He encouraged me to phone women’s aid get support etc. They told me dh was controlling and emotionally and financially sbusive. I stupidly started sleeping with other man after this while I planned to leave dh. Emotions grew, more so on his side. When lockdown eased we started to meet outside to talk, and in July I finally left my dh. I thought I would feel relief. Instead I’ve started noticing things about the other man I do not like, he is loud and opinionated and I think maybe a tad controlling. My poor dh doesn’t know what’s been going on. He wants to come back. I want him back. He said he has realised all his mistakes and will change. There is one problem. The other man knows where I live and said he will tell dh everything if I go back to him as he’s not standing my and letting me be abused again. I miss dh so much. I have created a huge mess. I feel like giving up on life but I cannot as I have children. This other man seemed like the answer but it’s created more problems. I genuinely feel dh can change. Me asking him to leave has been a huge shock to him and we both miss being a family

It’s all such a mess. My therapist thinks I should not get back with DH but I am trauma bonded to him. It’s making me ill

You don’t miss your Ex , you miss ‘someone being there ‘. A really crap reason for getting back with someone . If he was that great you wouldn’t be where you are now . People always say they will /can change , but it’s very rare that they do .
Both these blokes seem like selfish controlling abusers . That said , you had an affair behind your ex’s back , then blamed the separation on him , letting him pay the bills and give you extra help . You should have just ended it , getting involved with someone else while you are in a relationship rarely works out well
You are not setting a good example to your DC . Be a good role model to them , spend some time on your own , without either men around . Get yourself sorted out , and show them what a strong ,independent DM looks like

Both men are abusive and will make you further trauma bonded to them. The OM here saw your vulnerability here and targeted you to use and abuse.

You need to be on your own. Your own emotional unavailability to your children because of the overriding amount of headspace you give these men hurts your kids too. What are going to be the overriding memories of their childhoods?.

Hang on OP; so if I'm getting this right your 'D'H had several affairs around the time you had your firstborn, and then you stayed with him and had two more?!? FFS! Why do Women repeatedly let Men get away with this shit and carry on like it's all fine?!?

They are BOTH wastes of oxygen and frankly I think you're being ridiculous to consider them as the only 2 options you have.

Take some time on your own, build some respect for yourself, allow your kids to live in a world not inhabited by bellends who have no respect for you. I'm sorry if I sound harsh OP but the other good advice here doesn't seem to be sinking in with you.

Be on your own. You don’t need a man.

I think it’s because I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I’m scared. DH has been round helping with the kids without that I don’t know what I will do

You’re currently living a lie, no wonder you’re having a breakdown.
Your husband is helping you financially and popping in to help with the kids.
Children think he’s helping with a poor relative and you won’t tell the other man in fear he will show up and kick off in front of the kids and perhaps your husband if he happens to be there.

At some point this needs to come to a head. To be honest the sooner the better. You need to put your big girl pants and and tell OM and if he causes trouble you contact the police. But you need to do it now. This situation is only going to get worse the longer you leave it and so is your breakdown.

Mylife

Are you ok? Can you call women’s aid this morning and talk to someone there?

You need to be on your own and work on your self esteem.
Neither of these men are good for you .
Learn to be happy and capable on your own before even thinking about another relationship.
It feels scary now as it’s new but trust me you will get stronger and things will get better .
Build a good support network of female friends .

You haven’t ruined your life , it’s the start of a new life . It will be ok , honestly.
Good luck

I’m not ok at all, I feel like dropping my kids at my parents and walking into the nearest hospital and telling them I can’t cope anymore

Mylifeisamess0

Can you speak to your parents? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, maybe that is a good idea to have your kids stay at your parents for a couple of days so you can clear your head.

Can you phone your GP this morning and make an appointment?

If you are feeling really distressed you can absolutely go to an A&E department too. Samaritans are always available too and it can really help to just talk things through with someone who will listen.

I am watching the thread for responses from you OP, don’t worry you’re not alone X

If om kicks off - call the police. Tell him that's what you'll do !

It is a mistake to be trying to choose which abusive man you will stay with!

You really need to be on your own for a while and build up your emotional strength.

I have told my mum I feel I’m having a breakdown but am too scared to tell her about the affair. She said I need to pull myself together for the kids or phone the Samaritans

Just be on your own for 6 months or a year. You need to learn to enjoy your own company. You need to break the cycle of abuse and neediness.

I have drafted a text to send OM but feel too scared to send it. I promised him a life together. And he has been worried about my mental health while with ex. Now I separated he thinks we are a couple. But I started to notice red flags like anger not towards me but other people and telling me not to let ex dh in the house and a few other things. He said he is trying to help me

Is he trying to help you or trying to manipulate you ?
Tell your mum you need help.

You don't avoid dumping someone because they get so upset. You end it because it isn't right.

It sounds like you need time alone to sort your own head out first and avoid any relationships for a while

Mylife

What does the text say?

You need to take ownership of this situation, don’t allow the OM to have it.
Tell your DH about the affair ( that you had after he had several - so no blame there ) and see if he still wants to come back.

And I’d want to see for sure that DH had actually changed before I took him back.

You don't owe this guy anything - you're allowed to change your mind.

Send the text. Just hold your breath and send it.

What are you afraid that he'll do? Is he likely to be violent? If he kicks off or tries to come round, you don't have to see or talk to him - call the police if he causes a scene.

My mum said she will come round for the day. But I don’t be able to tell her what’s going on. But at least it is help with the dc as I’m struggling to get out of bed the last few days with all the stress and anxiety

Last time I tried to end things he said he was so angry that I dragged him into my mess and it will take him a long time to get over me and he was stupid to fall in love with me. I ended up feeling so guilty and like a horrible person that I carried the affair on

Mylife

That sounds really good that your mum will be there for a bit. Is she normally quite supportive? Can you get out the house for a bit for a long walk or similar to clear your head and think things through?