Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

He is adulterous and engages in homosexual behaviour. That's the religious end.

On the legal end you've got do many grounds for divorce i don't know where to start.

Thus article is very interesting, and includes something about men who will never ever admit they are gay or bi, and blame the woman;

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201903/when-gay-men-mismarry-straight-women-part-2%3famp

I would have had his bags packed after the first Gay sauna incident. Honestly you would be happier without him in your life. The anxiety probably comes from living like this. You don't need to, you don't need him. It does sound like financially he needs you, but he had made his bed, now must live with the consequences. I'm sure you are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for.

He’s gay and can’t admit it.

He’s cheated on you several times and given you an STD.

Kick him out! Financially you will make it work, he’ll have to pay his way with the kids.

What does the Catholic church say about homosexuality, infidelity and promiscuity @candycane2019

Please don't blame your religious upbringing for your inability to get out of this mess, because it doesn't wash.

No need for any more evidence or to confront.

Just tell him it's over & get rid!

Incidentally I have to say I often find gay men, not even bi men, very "confused"/mixed in their inclinations. I was friendly with a gag guy for years who was "straight" when he was young (and said he told me he thought he had an exceptionally high sex drive and fixation sex even for a young man), he then acknowledged to himself he had sexual attraction for men but found it incredible, then started having sexual interactions with men while still dating women, then got into s relationship with a man (whinges been with for years now) came out to friends, but still had sexual encounters with women (his partner tolerated it, he wasn't out himself for ages), then - I think - moved into entirety sexual encounters with men (his partner and others).

Another gay man I know from around has looked at me on the way hetero men tend to look over women they fancy - I know in the past he's dated women, and has never officially come out but I'm told has a long-term gay partner. Not trying to be derogatory in any way, but some seem to be all over the place in terms of attraction and sexual activity.

What I'm saying is that in my experience gay men can still be attracted to and want sex with women (esp when younger seemingly).

You will be so much happier when you throw this man out.
Do not worry where he will live etc. He should have been a nicer person--he is reaping what he has sowed.
Like a PP has pointed out: dealing with your current debt is better than staying in a terrible relationship where more debt will probably be run up.
Find your strength and throw him out.
If he says he won't go, say that you will tell everyone about the gay sauna- bet he goes then.

Gonorrhoea can be caught from unprotected vaginal, anal and oral sex.

@candycane2019 Sorry if my previous post was unclear and sounded harsh. I didn't mean your behaviour didn't wash, I meant that the Catholic church doesn't have a great record on a lot of this stuff, so using it as a reason not to leave your H isn't relevant. My DH was brought up as a Catholic but as an adult was able to choose his own moral code and boundaries. You are an adult now with freedom of choice and autonomy. What would your own parents advise you to do now? Would they feel you had to avoid divorce at any cost?

@candycane2019

Thank you all. I had a very strict catholic upbringing and had it drummed into me that divorce is never ok and that the family unit is the most precious thing to protect at all costs. Absolute BS i know and I don't believe or agree with this at all and wish I had the strength to leave - but I have been conditioned to think that I can't split the family up as it will hurt my children. Catholic guilt has a lot to answer for!

The question to ask yourself is what sort of example do you want to set for your children?

Would you want your daughter to stay with a man who was a cheating, lying bastard who serially slept with other men and women, simply because that's how you'd brought her up? Would you want your son to grow up treating his future wife this way and thinking it was okay because that's how you'd brought her up?

You should have left after the first incident. Don't compound the error by sticking around now.

Sexual health nurse here.
Your DH is playing roulette with your health. Sex on premise venues like saunas provided a safely anonymous place for men to have sex with men since before legalisation. They are places that developed to allow persecuted men to have untraceable sex in times when their lives would have been ruined if they were caught. While it would be grossly unfair to say that all gay men are riddled with STIs or even use saunas, there is a higher risk to those who do frequent SOPVs, often from the high turnover of partners and the untracebility of those partners.
You absolutely can catch STIs from oral sex, herpes, gonorrhoea and syphilis are fairly common so he may not have been lying about that incident but that's a very small positive in this situation.

You are worth more than this, OP.

To understand how and why STIs transmit you need to understand how they are different. Herpes virus lives in the mucus membranes around your mouth which is why you can pass it on to genitals during oral sex.

Gonhorrea and other are tranmissable from semen and fluids into the throat but it is very rare that it is transmitted from throat to genitals.

Gonhorrea doesn't tend to stick around in the throat long, it commonly clears up in about 3 weeks in the throat as it is not a hospitable environment for it. It doesn't always clear up independently but the studies arent even sure if it transmits from throat to throat from kissing.

So very unlikely to have caught gonhorrea in his penis from oral.

But even if he he did just do oral, that is enough to leave him. He is obviously either gay and denying it or bisexual and denying it---he definitely is a liar and a gaslighter who makes you miserable, OP. Please leave, your life will be so much better without him.

I'll agree that the 'family unit' is sacred. A family unit is a group of people working together, loving together for the good of all. So he's not really part of your family unit, is he? He's set himself squarely outside it by his behaviour and his treatment of you. Your family unit is you and your children, period.

I'm not Catholic, but I've had Catholic friends who have actually been advised by priests to get a civil divorce to protect themselves and their security. They were told that in the eyes of the Church they remained married and the 'sin' would be in 'adultery' and/or remarrying, not in the divorce itself.

Exactly what is it you're afraid of? Is it purely financial fear? If the debt were to magically disappear do you think you'd tell him to get lost? Because if that's it I'd look into filing bankruptcy. I'm in the US so don't know squat about it where you live, but I'd look into it. It may not make all the debt disappear, but it should help you get it to a 'manageable' place.

Are you worried about him taking some of your assets in a settlement? I'd rather live in a bed-sit with little put by than live in a mansion with millions with someone like him. He is killing your spirit, your very self bit by bit.

I think you need to read up on the 'sunk costs fallacy'. And speak to a good therapist. You and your children deserve so much more than you are getting now. Because I can guarantee you, no matter how hard you've tried to play happy families in front of your children, they know you are miserable and that your marriage is broken. They may not know why, but they can sense it. They always can.

You crossed any reasonable evidence threshold years ago when he gave you an sti. He could be bi or gay either way he's putting your health at risk, I'm surprised that you can bring yourself to have sex with this cheating scumbag, who's not even treating you well. What's it gonna take for you to leave him? You should be well gone by now for your own safety.

Correction 'he' should be well gone - kick him out, it's sickening what you are letting yourself put up with. Stop trying, do not have sex with this gross individual ever again

Just think of being in your own home, no husband being horrible to you or demand sex with his rank, std infected penis, with your lovely kids and a little dog. Your money to spend on what you want, the tv remote to yourself, the future yours to do with what you like.

Why stay?

A (single) gay friend of mine is pretty, ahem, active on the London sauna scene and tells me that those places are full of married men. They are there because they're not getting what they want at home, but only in the sense that they are married to women and what they want is cock. Many of them deny being gay, even while shagging my friend.

My friend is HIV+ and has also had hepatitis C. Please don't have sex with your "D"H ever again and please get some legal advice. It sounds like you are in a good position to ask him to leave so you and the DCs can stay in your house.

Your children will have FAR more issues if you keep things the way they are, trust me.
Whether you realise it or not, this is an abusive relationship.

hes so abusive

Wen you've been in a really bad, often abusive relationship for a long time, you lose a sense of your own pride, you get confused, you doubt yourself and you don't know which way is up or down. Your boundaries have been so eroded that you didn't see that the correct time for you to have left him is when you realised he was a bully.

Now, this horrible situation has the reached point where you are avtually questioning leavjng him after HE LET OR ASKED ANOTHER MAN SUCK HIM OFF AND HE GAVE YOU AN STD!!!

I would not discuss this further with him. There's nothing to be gained from it. Stop fryinf to grt through to him and stop trying yourself into knots. Leave him to it. Contact Women's Aid if you need help.

Should I confront him or wait for more evidence you should go to a solicitor and begin divorcing him. Where did you get the idea that you were meant to go to him with your problems? Has he not gotten it through to you yet that he doesn't give a single fuck about you?

Please stop debasing yourself. Your posts are absolutely awful to read, you're teaching your kids to be spineless and self-harming. And then turning around to blame those very children for the example you are setting for them.

Please, for Christ's sake take control of your life.

This person is just a man. There are 3.5 billion of them on this planet. He isn't special. He is a cheating, abusing waster and even a semi competent solicitor will quickly show you that you can get shut of him much more easily than you seem to be obsessing about.

If you can't calm your mind down enough to take steps to leave this person, go to the GP and get on anxiety medication. You have to stop abusing yourself and your kids like this. Take control. That or start saving for your kids lifelong private counselling, they will need it.

You need more evidence OP , much much more evidence.

Please start putting a plan together to leave him. Can you seek counselling for moral support? The counsellor I had helped me to stop denying how dysfunctional my marriage had become.

Do you think you are modelling a healthy relationship for your children? Please leave for them if not for you. They will be better off with two loving parents who live separately than surrounded but such an unhappy, toxic relationship.

It also helped me to continue to visualise the happy, loving home I wanted to create for my DCs. I now have that home and the dog too - it’s worth it, OP.

@Mrsmadevans

You need more evidence OP , much much more evidence.

Why? No one needs evidence to walk away from a relationship, he’s already proven himself to be a total Shit.

Why does she need any evidence? I could dump dh tonight if I wanted to but I don’t want or need to.