Caught DH out. Should I confront him or wait for more evidence.

[candycane2019]

So my DH and I have been having problems for a while. He hasn't treated me well in the past - cycles of anger, bullying and emotional abuse triggered by his insane jealousy and insecurity. He's also unreliable.

This behaviour has put me right off sex and intimacy with him and I've been struggling to deal with the trauma of how he behaved towards me. Our sex life hasn't been great at all due to this and then a couple of years ago he went to a sauna in London got head off a guy and only told me because he caught an STD which he then passed onto me and so we both needed treatment.

I've been struggling to get past this - I call it a betrayal, he calls it a cry for help and if he got what he needed from me then he wouldn't have gone. He was desperate for some human contact and to be made to feel good. He says he isn't gay he just thought it would be better than going to a woman, less of a betrayal. But he wouldn't have told me if he hadn't caught anything.

Anyway fast forward to this week. We started to have sex on weds night then he stopped because he thought I was stressed (I was a bit) but then then the next day he ignored me apart from telling me that he was doing his best to deal with what happened the night before.

I got home on Friday afternoon and he was really chirpy and normal and said one of his friends had invited him over to their house to hang out and play darts and have a few drinks. He was really chipper and I was too thinking that it might help him feel a bit better.

Anyway - to cut to the chase of my post. He left to go to his friends about 8.30 - really happy etc. At about 10pm I looked on find my iPhone (I don't normally and he's forgotten we have it) and he wasn't at his friends house. He was on the other side of the town where we live, in a bit of a ropey area at an address I don't recognise. He was there until 11 ish and then came home. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking plans may have changed but nope he told me about his 'evening' with his 'friend' answered all of my subtle questions but all the time has was fiddling with his wedding ring.

He has been ignoring me ever since - so he is fine if we are in company and with people, but as soon as we are on our own he will leave the room or go and do something else, I suspect so I don't ask him anything else.

My mind is racing. I'm thinking he went to a prostitute or has met someone else - I found out that he'd looked on eharmony in Feb but he said he didn't sign up or create a profile.

What should I do. If I confront him he will deny it and delete the find my iPhone so I can't track him anymore.

We have two DC 13 and 11. I feel like dying and I am crying all the time. But I have no other evidence.

You don't need any proof- you already know that he's a cheating scumbag who have you an STD and blames you for his appalling behaviour. What does your Catholic upbringing make of a man who is vile to his wife and goes and has sex with random men behind her back?

You owe him no closure or explanation for leaving. It is not your problem whether he can afford rent on his own. You do, however, owe it to your children to show them that people should not stay with unfaithful, abusive, sexually incontinent partners.

I think the best question to ask yourself today is, how much worse does your life need to get before you finally start to change it?

Get clear in your mind op.
So far your husband fucked a random man without a condom, and gave you gonorrhea.

How much worse does it need to get?

Does he need to beat you? Hospitalize you? Hospitalize one of the children? Kill someone?

Literally how much worse does it need to get!

Have my first LTB and I have been on here for more than 10 years!

You don’t need more evidence .... you are looking for excuses to stay with him. Clinging to reasons to subject your children to a home filled with lies and deception and unkindness and disrespect.

I honestly hope you are a troll as I can’t comprehend why you would want to stay married to him.

I know a woman who didn’t leave when the private investigator she hired had photos of her dh and ow staying at a hotel all weekend or when she went to the pub they were in.

About a year later he fucked off with another woman and divorced her.

@candycane2019

He regularly tells me our bedroom is toxic and sleeps on the sofa. I just need him to understand that I am reacting to the way he treated me.

This sounds exactly like my exh. He's bi. At the time I thought it was me who repulsed him, turned out I just wasn't 'doing' it for him and he's been seeing a guy he met on a hook up site.

Hi OP all your internal instincts are telling you not to be with him. Don't be, listen to your gut he is not a nice man.

The finances works be reason enough for me to be done with this marriage. He's an anchor hindering your progression.

I just can't see the attraction in a poor dependent bullying jealous man and that's before his escapades in gay saunas.

Even if you had iron cast proof of him up to no good yesterday...I don't quite think it would be the end for you.

Confront him or not when you're done.

He would have been gone after the first admission of gay oral sex at a sauna!

When you leave and get your dog & house, you will wonder why you didn’t do it years ago...

Ask him “where was it you were visiting, what area?”
If he lies, you know you’re dealing with a liar, then you ask him again “are you sure? “
When he confirms the lie, you tell him he has two hours to pack his bags. Tell him no more than that. He doesn’t need any more than that. I’d be seeing a solicitor tomorrow.

@Wondersense

Wen you've been in a really bad, often abusive relationship for a long time, you lose a sense of your own pride, you get confused, you doubt yourself and you don't know which way is up or down. Your boundaries have been so eroded that you didn't see that the correct time for you to have left him is when you realised he was a bully.

Now, this horrible situation has the reached point where you are avtually questioning leavjng him after HE LET OR ASKED ANOTHER MAN SUCK HIM OFF AND HE GAVE YOU AN STD!!!

I would not discuss this further with him. There's nothing to be gained from it. Stop fryinf to grt through to him and stop trying yourself into knots. Leave him to it. Contact Women's Aid if you need help.

This.

Also, as other people have said - Highly unlikely he caught an STD just from Oral sex.

One of my gay male friends said Married men are so often the ones cruising around in outdoor zones, and also Saunas -

Men really can be in deep denial - eg, one said to his partner he'd caught an STI 'when his penis touched a lavatory'. Not really convincing.

How much more in denial can one get?

Please please start getting yourself organised and leave him. I understand the worry and the fear of harming your children....but THIS situation is harming your children. You deserve so much better.

I'm sorry OP. You need to talk to him sooner rather than later about this. My only advice is know what you want to happen before you start the conversation. He is clearly gay, but if he is struggling with his sexuality he might see leaving you as admitting he's gay. If he's not ready to come out he might try and stay with you until he is ready.

I hope things get better for you

@candycane2019

Thank you all. I had a very strict catholic upbringing and had it drummed into me that divorce is never ok and that the family unit is the most precious thing to protect at all costs. Absolute BS i know and I don't believe or agree with this at all and wish I had the strength to leave - but I have been conditioned to think that I can't split the family up as it will hurt my children. Catholic guilt has a lot to answer for!

Catholic guilt? Your husband fucking or being fucked by men is absolutely acceptable as a reason for divorce in the Catholic Church - in fact, if you wished to, you have a good case for the entire marriage being annulled on that basis.

[insert phrase about Ducks in a line]

Leave him love.
I went to school with a woman whose husband was also sleeping with gay men. We always knew she would leave eventually but she caught hepatitis before she got out of there.
You are worth so much more than this.

in addition to the good advice on this thread, I just wanted to add that you are NOT responsible for him, or where he will live, or how he will feed himself - you are not his parent

great job for sorting out the credit card debt - now, make sure it can't reoccur

I don't think what he tells you is plausible - I don't know how you get an STD from one time oral sex ... maybe you can ... but it just doesn't sound likely given everything else you've said

you say that you just want evidence for Friday night ... but the thing is, he is likely doing this every single week, not just three years ago, or 18 months ago .... this is who he is and he is blaming you for it .... you are not to blame

you are not the cause of this .... you are suffering because of him ... he is the cause

get some help - make him leave the family home - sort out the finances - protect the children - exposing them to his toxicity is not good for them and its not good for you as their mother

you know this - deep down - now you need to act to protect yourself and your children

I think he must be gay or at least bisexual .He is unkind to you and flirts with other women! Spends time at gay saunas and dodgy addresses across town! Really what more proof do you need .It sounds like he is trying to suppress his gay urges and turning it round to you!Who does this FFS! Even if you dont want to leave ATM at least start to make plans finances and so on .

As a Catholic you can get a legal separation and start your life over without going against the rules of the church. You and your kids can have the dog and the picket fence.
As for their mental health, how do you know it was your brother's divorce that destabilized your niece? It could have been the toxic marriage her parents were in!

@CoffeeRunner no of course it isn’t any better. It would just be another thing he’s lied about! But why are people so insistent to try and prove he is lying about how he caught the STI, it isn't true that it is less likely he got it from oral and it isn't any better if he got it from oral. The OP doesn't need to build up a case against him, she is perfectly entitled to leave and doesn't need people trying to prove something that they can't prove. It just adds a level of confustion, I mean if he somehow could prove he got it what would change?

@thewhitechair Actually a great deal of genital herpes is passed on from receiving oral sex- around 50% of new genital herpes cases are caused by type 1 of the virus which is most commonly transmitted mouth-genitals. However for other STDs it’s indeed very unlikely to pick up this way (as in the OPs case, I’m not sure it’s even possible to get gonorrhoea via oral sex?) so I highly doubt he is being truthful.
Yes it is possible to catch gonorrhoea from oral, not at all unlikely in fact.

Wow op. He treats you terribly, abuses you, cheats on you, gives you sexual diseases, lies about it, and you’re basically paying to be with him?

I think get help for your anxiety first off. Then end this relationship for all your sakes. What a miserable life you’re all living.

OP, I've been reading this thread thinking 'this woman doesn't have her own income, or enough money coming in to support herself'. Otherwise she'd have been out of there like a shot.
Then you admitted it. You aren't in a detective series. You don't have to get to the bottom of who he was shagging the other evening. If you saw flashing neon lights telling you that your husband is a cheating, disrespectful liar you would still say that you need a sign.
Sort your finances out. Do whatever it takes to move on to a better life. Another job. Cheaper home. Anything.

Please leave for the sake of your children! Lead a life of 🐶🍷🥂🐩🌺🌹 with your children... It will be what you want it to be, pets galore, weekends of buying yourself croissants and coffees and flowers 🥐☕💐✨ and enjoying freedom and headspace. Your children will be better for having a non tormented mum who is showing them how to lead life...children pick up on more than you know..
As a child (adult now) from a dysfunctional family, I can tell you how many times I wished my mum had left my dad...

This has got to be one of the saddest post I've read, where the OP's sense of self-identity has been assassinated overtime in the marriage. In others words you've been worn down and reduced to putting up with any sort of toxic/unacceptable behaviour from your DH including him putting your own health at risk, and despite all of this, you'd rather stay than fracture your Catholic believes about marriage. I imagine before marriage you were once full of aspirations and joy for life, but now you're just a shell of your former self that's existing in a life you never envisioned.

It's still not late to re-write the next chapters of your life for a better one, please look into counselling.

Also.. You are worthy of a better life - you're the breadwinner, so you're clearly far more capable than you seem to give yourself credit for.

You are worth it... And this anxiety and guilt is created by the toxicity he's put you trough.

You need no proof. It's clear you don't love or respect this man who doesn't deserve that anyway. You are just.....tied to his by this toxic NEED to have him tell you you are right and he is wrong and you were right all along.

YOU DON'T NEED HIS APPROVAL OR ADMISSION OF GUILT. YOU ARE RIGHT. Everyone here can tell you as much.

Be a broken record : say
NO MORE!
NO MORE!
NO MORE!
until it sinks in!!! Shout it to him and say it to yourself too!
NO MORE!!!

💐🌹🌺