DH had sex with a prostitute

[TurkeyTrot]

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

My opinion is that a man is capable of loving a woman, and do stuff with a sex worker without it meaning he doesn't love her.

My opinion is men who pay for sex are misogynists who see women as a commodity. And I wouldn't want the love of a misogynist. Or love a misogynist. You'll find many women feel that way.

@Sparticuscaticus

I don't agree you should tell the DC he had sex with a prostitute.

That kind of thing would be very damaging to their self esteem at a time they are learning about their self identity which is very closely tied up with their parents, genes and how their parents behave.

If it gives us adults the ick , how would children or teenagers be able to emotionally process that atomic bomb of overshared information?? Especially if they love their Dad.

No matter how tempting it would be to say 'your Dad did something unforgivable', it's not worth the damage to the children. And if OP decides to stay with H , the damage in how they see their parents. This is a sordid secret of my DC's Dad that I would take to the grave for my DCs sake.

That's an interesting point about your DC's Dad. If I ended up choosing to stay, I probably would make a long term secret of it. I think that staying is not likely though.

Some men find it really difficult to be monogamous because they are weak arseholes.

There- fixed that for you.

@WendyHoused

Very best of luck and strength, OP.

I wonder if any of your teens are daughters - how could your husband square his hiring of a woman's body, and raising a young woman to adulthood to be confident and enforce boundaries?

I'm so sorry he's put you through this.

My DD is 17 is an intelligent and lovely young woman, very self aware, very into women's issues, equality etc. She would be absolutely horrified about her Dad using a prostitute. That aside, they have a great relationship, for now....

@WinterAndRoughWeather

For me, sex with a prostitute would be far worse than an affair. It’s not just the infidelity, it’s the attitude towards women he’d have to have. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who saw women as commodities.

Agree. I could potentially forgive a one-night stand or brief fling. I could not forgive using a human being like a wank sock. And I don't that disrespectfully to prostituted women - my only disrespect is for the men who abuse them.

@GilbertMarkham

..because he told me .. didn't enjoy it much

Bet he enjoyed it more than the prostitute he fucked.

Good point. Probably a lose-lose all round. A lose-lose-lose if you include the marriage.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken I was agreeing with you. I suppose I was imagining/preempting what JustaBoy or the like might say if asked if they'd be happy with a man using their daughter as a prostitute. They would probably have to claim they were ok with it as part of their ideological stance.

My opinion is that a man is capable of loving a woman, and do stuff with a sex worker without it meaning he doesn't love her.

@bingbong1970 It's gross though. To me it says something about the man. And it's still a betrayal. If he wants to have sex with someone else, prostitute or otherwise, he should let his wife know what he's thinking of doing, so she can make informed decisions about her life, whether she still wants to be with him etc. It might be painful to the spouse learning their husband is capable of/wants to do this, (some married men justify not telling their wives about their antics to others by claiming 'I don't want to hurt her feelings') but then the wife has a choice about whether she wants to spend any more of her life with this person.

@Turkeytrot it's not my DCs dad. He's done many things but not that. I was saying that IF... it's a secret I would never share because PPs on here were
Suggesting you told DC and others

You can't buy consent so it would be very simple for me. I'd leave and I would talk to the teenagers about why.

I have a friend that used to be health education support worker for sex workers in our local city. She handed out condoms, arranged tests, and spoke to most of the sex workers through various networks.

She used to get threats regularly from pimps. I asked her why she carried on (& my job can be high risk too sometimes) and she told me that these were the most vulnerable women (& sometimes young men) that she had ever met , the hardships they lived with, many caught up in the drug culture, organised crime or desperate and owing money, they were all
exploited. No matter how much the sex worker says to clients and others that it was a choice and they are in control, they weren't.

So, In terms of that aspect, it's wasn't what she felt was consensual sex nor an equal exchange.

@Imissmoominmama

Some men find it really difficult to be monogamous because they are weak arseholes.

There- fixed that for you.

Yeah. That's fair.

I'm really not trying to be offensive or make light of peoples feelings but I've never understood why women feel they must be the centre of a mans universe. I don't know whether it comes from being raised to have overly high expectations of what men are like. Not all men obviously. Or women want the perfect fairytale happy ever after which is fine. It just seems harsh that if men do something they ideally probably shouldn't then that's it, it's all over, he's a monster. I can understand women feeling hurt and betrayed but it just seems excessive. I'm not saying men or women should be able to go around doing what they want. It just seems unreasonable to never be forgiven for a mistake or being weak.

I equate use of sex workers with abuse. Not a mistake nor weakness. It's the sign of a deeply flawed misogynist.

Regardless it's not about being the centre of DH's universe. It's being allowed to make my own decisions based on facts. He can do what he likes, but if he's lying about it, I can't make my own decisions.

@bingbong1970

I'm really not trying to be offensive or make light of peoples feelings but I've never understood why women feel they must be the centre of a mans universe. I don't know whether it comes from being raised to have overly high expectations of what men are like. Not all men obviously. Or women want the perfect fairytale happy ever after which is fine. It just seems harsh that if men do something they ideally probably shouldn't then that's it, it's all over, he's a monster. I can understand women feeling hurt and betrayed but it just seems excessive. I'm not saying men or women should be able to go around doing what they want. It just seems unreasonable to never be forgiven for a mistake or being weak.

I don't expect to be the centre of a partners universe.

I also don't want to be with a misogynist who views women as a commodity and doesn't give a shit about the fact they can't know how a woman came to be a sex worker. The vast majority are vulnerable and many are trafficked.

I don't need a man to be fawning and doting to be attracted to him. I do need him to not be a misogynist complicit in the abuse of woman.

It just seems unreasonable to never be forgiven for a mistake or being weak
are you saying that for you infidelity is not a deal breaker?
if a female partner admitted a casual tinder hook up would you put it down to 'just being weak' and forgive her?

It completely depends on the circumstances. Do you still love him? Are you mentally and financially stable enough to start a new life on your own?. If he's kind to you and you have a happy relationship, try to find answers. Why did he seek sex from another woman? If he's not willing to discuss any of these topics, leave ASAP x

but I've never understood why women feel they must be the centre of a mans universe.

What a bizarre comment in the context of this scenario.

Having a boundary that your spouse doesn't fuck someone else (sex worker or civvie) behind your back isn't being the centre of their universe.

If ops dh has any decency or honesty he'd have said he longer wanted to stick to their agreement of monogamy/exclusivity and asked her what she wanted to do. Instead he's arranged to fuck someone else, fucked someone else (and as an aside has become a consumer in an industry plagued by exploitation), broken their vows, cheated on her .. told her about it afterwards as a fait accompli and minimised it.

What would his reaction be if she'd done that with a male escort or someone else?

I generally find men who cheat are hypocrites. In any case since op.isnt the one who's acted like this, even if she were to do it now, it would be after the event/as a result of him doing it.

I don't know whether it comes from being raised to have overly high expectations of what men are like. Not all men obviously. Or women want the perfect fairytale happy ever..

It's not having overly high expectations or wanting the perfect fairytale to expect your spouse not to cheat on you with a prostitute (or at all).

Your views throughout this thread have been so bizarre as to make me wonder if you're just trolling for a laugh.

The perfect fairytale happy ever after
Are you saying that cheating is normal in ostensibly monogamous relationships?
That in expecting a partner to be faithful we are being completely unrealistic, that fidelity is an impossible dream?
But do men not also expect fidelity from women🤔
If a friend couldn't forgive his wife after she had a casual hook-up with another bloke would you see him as a man with expectations of a perfect fairytale happy ever after 🤔

My opinion is that a man is capable of loving a woman, and do stuff with a sex worker without it meaning he doesn't love her.

If you love someone, truly love someone ..you wouldn't do anything to them that you wouldn't want done to yourself; you treat them as you would want to be treated, you treat them as an equal .. as equally deserving of respect, honesty, decency as you. They cannot be a second class citizen within your relationship; who's due less respect and honesty than you.

So when you lie to them, break fundamental agreements that your partnership is based upon like sexual exclusively without discussion etc etc. .... You are obviously treating them as not due honesty or respect. You've taken the opportunity away from them to make a decision based on full facts (is I do it do not want to continue this relationship if we are no longer sexually exclusive), you've made them continue to stick to rules that you're no longer sticking to (the very definition of cheating) .... There is no respect in that, there is no (true) love in that.

If you truly love them you also want to see them happy; in noone's world would behaviour like this make them happy - the opposite, of course.

I don't know where you get your values from but you should probably have some counselling.

do stuff with a sex worker

Your euphemisms/minimisation is noticeable too.

@GilbertMarkham

do stuff with a sex worker

Your euphemisms/minimisation is noticeable too.

Maybe he just talked... there a lot of that lie in the world.

Op your husband's behaviour and attitude come across as cavalier, cold, detached, utterly lacking in empathy, hugely disrespectful etc. Dies he have form for this through your marriage/relationship?

Did he have to tell you about this due to you discovering something (or an STD or ..)? What were the circumstances?

Using prostitutes is one of those things that people lie about, like how much they drink or smoke or how much the new shoes cost. I'd be very surprised if there'd only been one visit.

‘Centre of a mans universe’. Strangely to the person who posted this (are you a man??) most men expect to be ‘the centre of the woman’s universe’ when it comes to domesticity and domestic duties. Funnily enough we don’t enter into monogamy presuming that we are there just as a glorified housekeeper, we kind of expect that monogamy and respect is going both ways .