DH had sex with a prostitute

[TurkeyTrot]

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

@TurkeyTrot- he’s has said he wouldn’t leave the kids, but would they want to live with him, knowing what he’s done? Ask him to think about that.

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this; it’s not something I could personally get past.

As someone in their early 20s who grew up with parents stuck in a shitty marriage; with constant arguments and tension in the house - I’d have rather they split up as it was such a depressing environment. I think your teens would understand (eventually). I feel like you’d, if anything, be setting good role model behaviour because you’re showing your teens what is/isn’t acceptable in a relationship.

Eg if you daughter gets cheated on in the future, but knew that her mum constantly stayed when her dad cheated, she might stay too as she thinks that’s the done thing. Or your son might expect future partners to stay if he cheated because you did - so he might not think it’s a big deal, just “lads being lads”

Please tell the children. It will be hard but it’s so difficult growing up not understanding why your parents spilt up. Lots of children blame themselves.

Also please find out if he used condoms. If not, he has put you massively at risk.

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

"You must set a pretty low bar for relationships" "Ew. Your self esteem is in the gutter"

Some responses to my post.

I reckon you are right. Tbh I've not had a sparkling history relationshipwise. I'm now 50 and the fucked up attitudes I've lived with were formed in my teens. I have been single for much of my life.

This thread has me re-examining these attitudes. For one my views on prostitution. So many on here are viewing it as non-consensual. Me, I'm sorry, I have always viewed it as a service being provided in exchange for money. So in that way I don't view it as being 'as bad' as say, an affair, or a one-off with a woman. The responses on here also have me re-evaluating that view.

For most of my life I have been single, peppered with multiple drunken one-night stands mainly. Stopping drinking and the birth of my son nearly 18 years ago meant a re-evaluation of my expectations. It is only now that I have higher expectations for any relationships. During this period I remember saying for the first time 'I don't want to have sex with someone I don't know'. Like I say. For the first time. I'm assuming that's the attitude most women have ALWAYS held. But not me.

I’ll be honest and say I was firmly in the “sex work is work” camp. It seemed the kind, liberal and modern attitude. A few months ago I was asked,

1. would you support and encourage your daughter/ sister/ niece if she said she planned on being a sex worker?
2. Would you be happy if your husband/ son/ dad used the services of a sex worker?

I had to be honest and say no to both and it really made me think about why. I realised that sex work is not “just work” because there’s an emotional/ moral toll paid by the worker. If sex work was just work, we’d be happy for our husbands to use it similarly to a cleaner/ electrician/ Chef. Sex work is too intertwined with sex trafficking and exploitation for it to be “just work”. As I’ve said before, if the customer refused to pay the agreed amount it would be rape. That’s how thin the line is.
At this point, I fell down the rad. fem. rabbit hole and I’ve lived here ever since.

Definitely leave him, how could you stay? It is not even just like he was unfaithful, he paid a woman who might not even have had much of a choice in what she was doing. Shows a deep deep level of disrespect or care for women.

DEFINITEY DO NOT tell the kids about prostitute, at least not until they are much much older. It would hurt them too much and they know so little about life right now.

You sound as if you have your head screwed on despite the shock.

My advice is to talk to a few solicitors, get recommendations if you can, choose a good one.

As a starting point there's lots of helpful info here:

www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/divorce

rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/PDF-guide-to-financial-arrangements-after-marriage-breakdown.pdf

I'd have to split. So sorry OP. It demonstrate poor character not only cheating on you, but choosing to do it with a prostitute too. Awful.

I realised that sex work is not “just work” because there’s an emotional/ moral toll paid by the worker

There's also a physical toll that's not really comparable to any other job.

There was a documentary on legal brothels in a us state and the background of the rooms the women were being interviewed in had gigantic butt plugs in it, which made me cringe.

Especially since due to contemporary porn anal has gone from fetish/not terribly usual to standardised/expected.

Then there's the higher risk of non preventable STDs and pregnancy risk too.

Yes the physical toll is huge. Health risks of STDs, incontinence (from all the anal sex ) and other issues. Plus let's not forget the risk of physical and sexual violence.

Get and std check.
Tbh, prostitutes often say that clients don’t want to use condoms

He’s probably telling you all this because the truth is much worse. He’s minimising

I would also wonder how much he isn't telling you.

So would I.

On previous threads about prostitution a couple of women who'd been prostitutes posted and said that the vast majority of customers were repeat/compulsive customers.

Plus let's not forget the risk of physical and sexual violence.

Yep, can you imagine his many men push the boundaries when they know the prostitute is extremely unlikely to report to the police.

No one has a right to sex.
The end.

Yes agreed, no argument there. Full stop..

However lets change that to;

One has an "expectation" of sex?

I think that when someone marries and that implies sexual fidelity then there is an expectation of sex on both male and female sides.

Now a few weeks back met a woman who is shock horror a sex worker!.

Nope!, wasnt engaging her for her services, this was at a social business event meeting!

In the course of an intresting chat shes 36 years old no longer married has a decent job and as a part time acticvity does sex work. She by her own admission does it for the money around 150 quid an hour and has more work on the go than she can handle. I asked her what men did she see and she said mainly from around 40 to as old as men in their seventies and has known a few in their Eighites but as long as their clean and treat her well then shes no objection to that, the only men she didnt like seeing were asian ones who in her words had very little respect for women.

She then said that she does know a few other women in that line of work who mainly saw young single men but in the main most of her
clients were married she a said around 80 odd percent of them claimed to be married! She also said that she had a few widowers men who were older who liked being close to a woman but for various reasons it didnt happen for them anymore.

She futher said that most all of the married men never or very rareley got sex at home no matter what they did or didnt do, it seemed it had once been alright but over time had then dried up. Yes of course they could use their right hand but it wasnt the same as physcially being with a woman that thats the thing that they most missed, she said that some men were more than happy just to cuddle her and the actual sex was incidential.

I did ask her what did she think of the woman at home and she said it wasnt a concern of hers and whilst there were men who wanted but didnt get then thats was just the way it is. She went further to say that she thought if they did get what they wanted then she'd have very few customers. She was also under the impression that most of them just wanted the sex they werent getting, they didnt what to break up the family home they saw what she could provide as a substitute.

I asked her how she coped with it and she said most of the time very well as she liked sex and being paid for something she liked, wasnt it seemed a bad thing to her, and when or if she didnt like what she was doing then she'd stop. She did say that some men were a bit abusive and some demanded condomless sex but she weeded them out very early on, bareback sex wasnt the thing that she was offering and none of her acquanitcies would do it either thoiugh it did seem there were some girls from eastern europe who would or were forced into that and they were dobbed into the police on odd occasion.

So thats that, what we do about it i don't know but i suspect it will carry on and on..

He doesn’t want to split because as far as he’s concerned, he’s told you, apologised so he expects you to brush it under the carpet move on. What a twat.

I don't agree you should tell the DC he had sex with a prostitute.

That kind of thing would be very damaging to their self esteem at a time they are learning about their self identity which is very closely tied up with their parents, genes and how their parents behave.

If it gives us adults the ick , how would children or teenagers be able to emotionally process that atomic bomb of overshared information?? Especially if they love their Dad.

No matter how tempting it would be to say 'your Dad did something unforgivable', it's not worth the damage to the children. And if OP decides to stay with H , the damage in how they see their parents. This is a sordid secret of my DC's Dad that I would take to the grave for my DCs sake.

That was in reply to other PPs suggesting it, not OP who has not said she'd tell DC

Eugh, how disgusting. How disrespectful.

I'd also not lie to the kids about why, but give him the opportunity to tell them the truth. Trouble is, how will the kids ever be able to look at him the same again? So I see the argument for not telling them, but this isn't your secret to keep.

Very best of luck and strength, OP.

I wonder if any of your teens are daughters - how could your husband square his hiring of a woman's body, and raising a young woman to adulthood to be confident and enforce boundaries?

I'm so sorry he's put you through this.

If my husband had sex with a prostitute I would forgive him. If it was an affair - forgiving and forgetting would be much harder.

But then all husbands are different and so choices are different too.

Men find it really difficult to be monogamous due to being wired up to spread their dna. For what it's worth, the fact he told you suggests to me he cares about you deeply.

What a crock of shit.

I know there is no good excuse but did he say why?

I sometimes think I could get over a mistaken one-big stand but paying to use a poor woman’s body in this way would disgust me. She did not consent in any meaningful way. There’s no way I could look at him the same after this.