Page 10 | DH had sex with a prostitute

TurkeyTrot · 2020-08-21T21:20:01+00:00

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok. I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with. They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate. WWYD if your DH told you that? Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

SoulofanAggron · 23/08/2020 00:26

I've never understood why women feel they must be the centre of a mans universe.

No-one's said that as such, we just ask to be treated with respect and decency. A person's partner/spouse should be fairly high on their list of priorities though.

It just seems harsh that if men do something they ideally probably shouldn't then that's it, it's all over, he's a monster.

@bingbong1970 That would depend on the thing. Their husband using a prostitute would be pretty major to most women. It's not like the husband having a crafty fag (as in cigarette) or something. As people often say here, everyone's entitled to their own boundaries. Yours might be different and include letting off a partner if they shagged a prostitute (!) but you will have your own boundaries I hope. There will be somethings that if your other half did would mean the end, no? Having boundaries and not letting someone get away with everything no matter what they do, is healthy. Some things you can give someone a second chance for. Other things you can't.

Why did he seek sex from another woman?

@Positivevibes451 Nothing would justify prostitute-shagging for me, nothing. Maybe someone with severe disfigurements who'd find it hard to ever find a lover. Even that, a lot of feminists think is wrong and I understand their arguments.

dadshere · 23/08/2020 00:29

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GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 00:35

most men expect to be ‘the centre of the woman’s universe’ when it comes to domesticity and domestic duties

They also tend to expect to be the centre of a woman's universe when it comes to sex i.e. they don't tend to take it terribly well if their partner has sex with another man. There doesn't tend to be much talk of making mistakes, being human, working through things, making us stronger etc. then ... More like she ends up a divorcee and single mum fairly sharpish.

(Of course there are a few men who stay but they certainly bring seem to be the majority, and they often have a few flings of their own before continuing the marriage).

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 00:36

*certainly don't

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2020 00:37

Happy to use the word 'whore' but bleeping 'cock'? Only one of those words is offensive and it isn't cock.

SoulofanAggron · 23/08/2020 00:37

@dadshere I feel uncomfortable with the use of 'whore' in this thread. It's derogatory. It's the man we/I have disgust for, not the woman in prostitution.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 00:43

Men find it really difficult to be monogamous due to being wired up to spread their dna.

Forgot to respond to another aspect of this.

Lots of people, male and female find it hard to ve monogamous ... But who's asking them to be??

If you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship, don't get into one!

If you got into one and have realised you don't want to be in one, speak to your partner and see if they're willing to have an open marriage of be polygamous. If not - leave. Be respectful and civil but leave.

They are lots of people who want to be polygamous, have a relationship with one if them if you want a relationship. Of you don't want kids to be aware of that lifestyle, keep it to your child free time. There are people called baby sitters, most people have some family helpers.

Do you know what the issue with men like this is though?

They don't want to be polygamous, they don't want an open relationship. They want their wife or partner to be exclusive with them, while they're not exclusive with her, they don't want honesty of equality. They want to have their cake and eat it.

Muser314 · 23/08/2020 00:54

@WinterAndRoughWeather

For me, sex with a prostitute would be far worse than an affair. It’s not just the infidelity, it’s the attitude towards women he’d have to have. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who saw women as commodities.

Sadly yes. I agree. People are himan and are drawn to each other but the issue of paid consent not really being the same as consent is something i agree with.

You must feel so shocked op. I cant believe he told you and feels sorry for himself that the experience he planned wasnt what he hoped it would be :-/

Lauren850 · 23/08/2020 01:09

Sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to say please don't tell your children what he did. There's no reason and absolutely no upside. I know from awful experience they will find it so traumatic to hear about this and for what? They don't need to know, however horrible it is for you this doesn't make him a bad dad. For their sake you could do the generic breakup speech - sometimes people fall out of love and start making each other miserable. Or even say he cheated if you have to. But mot the prostitute story, its too.hard for them

bingbong1970 · 23/08/2020 01:10

@GilbertMarkham

do stuff with a sex worker

Your euphemisms/minimisation is noticeable too.

I'm sorry, I was trying to not be crude in case the op read it. That's sinister as well is it?

Vodkacranberryplease · 23/08/2020 01:13

@bingbong1970

Men find it really difficult to be monogamous due to being wired up to spread their dna. For what it's worth, the fact he told you suggests to me he cares about you deeply.

Well a little known fact is that women also have a biological need to shag around hedge their bets. It's natural for women to seek diversity in the genes and fathers they have children with - call it insurance. Do they are wired to deal with and encourage different fathers to their children and to hide that fact from sll.

So women are programmed to go off the father of their children (sexually) quite quickly and to be attracted to a new mate. However men have twigged and sought to shut that down.

So it cuts both ways, biologically. It's just that we only hear the 'men need to spread their seed' side. Because that's what they want.

Lilyargin · 23/08/2020 01:18

If you stay with him after this you are telling him it’s ok and that you accept being betrayed like this. So he’ll do it again.
Get away from this man.

Original poster

TurkeyTrot · 23/08/2020 12:09

@GilbertMarkham

but I've never understood why women feel they must be the centre of a mans universe.

What a bizarre comment in the context of this scenario.

Having a boundary that your spouse doesn't fuck someone else (sex worker or civvie) behind your back isn't being the centre of their universe.

If ops dh has any decency or honesty he'd have said he longer wanted to stick to their agreement of monogamy/exclusivity and asked her what she wanted to do. Instead he's arranged to fuck someone else, fucked someone else (and as an aside has become a consumer in an industry plagued by exploitation), broken their vows, cheated on her .. told her about it afterwards as a fait accompli and minimised it.

What would his reaction be if she'd done that with a male escort or someone else?

I generally find men who cheat are hypocrites. In any case since op.isnt the one who's acted like this, even if she were to do it now, it would be after the event/as a result of him doing it.

@GilbertMarkham

I think you've summed it up there. He has chosen to move away from our partnership, in a pre-meditated act, leaving me with no choice about it.

TBH, we were most likely gradually moving towards separating anyway, but I think there's no going back from this.

OP posts:

Original poster

TurkeyTrot · 23/08/2020 12:17

@GilbertMarkham

Op your husband's behaviour and attitude come across as cavalier, cold, detached, utterly lacking in empathy, hugely disrespectful etc. Dies he have form for this through your marriage/relationship?

Did he have to tell you about this due to you discovering something (or an STD or ..)? What were the circumstances?

He doesn't really have form for any of those things.

I didn't discover anything - I wasn't looking out for anything. I would never have known if he hadn't told me. No STD or anything, as far as I know.

He literally brought it up in a conversation about how he wants more sex than he gets (which would be more likely to naturally happen if he didn't stay up late, drinking lots of wine, then expect sex). He just randomly lobbed it in: "I had to have sex with a prostitute". Obviously I corrected that to "...chose..." as there was no way that any responsibility for that was being put onto me.

OP posts:

Original poster

TurkeyTrot · 23/08/2020 12:22

@Lilyargin

If you stay with him after this you are telling him it’s ok and that you accept being betrayed like this. So he’ll do it again. Get away from this man.

Yes, I know.

If we don't split now, we'll basically be waiting until he does it again, or until he has an affair.

The far harder bit is the kids. This thread seems very divided between telling them and not. Plus getting H to leave the family home, which he will absolutely fight.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 23/08/2020 12:32

This thread seems very divided between telling them and not.

@TurkeyTrot I think if you were to count up the responses, the majority are saying you should 'just' tell them he cheated.

But it's up to you. xx

If you want his antics recognized somewhere, you could mention his using a prostitute as part of any divorce proceedings.

Lauren850 · 23/08/2020 12:33

I think people who say you should tell yhe kids are thinking about him - ie it will serve him right if they hate him. Which is true but also wrong in my view. It's a horrible piece of information for them to carry and does them no favours whatsoever. They don't 'need' to know their dad is an arsehole in thos particular way and there's no risk to them not knowing - it's not like he's any direct danger to them. I know it's hard for you to keep the secret but it would be a huge kindness, especially for your daughter

DBML · 23/08/2020 13:00

Hi op

Now you have added some context, it is even clearer that what your husband did was unforgivable.

He told you to punish you and force you into thinking you have to have more sex, rather than have a sensible conversation with you. I have no idea what he was hoping to achieve long term, but the way he made the confession almost paints the sex worker as an object, like me telling my husband that because he didn’t pick up a new broom, I’ve had to use the one with the broken handle.

He’s a fool and a spiteful, selfish one at that. I couldn’t go back to him.

As far as the children are concerned, don’t tell them. ‘Dad has made a decision that means we can no longer be in a relationship, but we both still love you all very much and it won’t affect our relationships with you guys” is all they really need to know, if you want to place blame.

Good luck op.

TheLetterZ · 23/08/2020 14:14

@Lauren850

I think people who say you should tell yhe kids are thinking about him - ie it will serve him right if they hate him. Which is true but also wrong in my view. It's a horrible piece of information for them to carry and does them no favours whatsoever. They don't 'need' to know their dad is an arsehole in thos particular way and there's no risk to them not knowing - it's not like he's any direct danger to them. I know it's hard for you to keep the secret but it would be a huge kindness, especially for your daughter

No, I think the children / young adults should know the truth as a) they won’t blame themselves, b)they won’t blame the person who leaves and c) they know there isn’t hope of reconciliation and d) know that it is ok to have boundaries in a relationship and breaking those has consequences.

I am a firm believer that secrets are more destructive than the truth.

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 14:29

I'm sorry, I was trying to not be crude in case the op read it.

Op's husband has lobbed into conversation that he arranged to cheat on her with a prostitute and did so, she's having to deal with a likely separation and marriage breakdown. She's been tremendously calm, sensible and dignified itt. I don't think using the words "had sex with" is going to cause her to become unhinged or hurt her more than she's already been by her husband.

That's sinister as well is it?

Sinister - no. Appearing to be yet more minimisation and "the poor menz, they cheat because they're wired to spread their seed, it doesn't mean they don't love you, why do you expect to be the centre of their universe, dud you watch too many fairytales as a child, silly girl" etc etc. from you.

chickenyhead · 23/08/2020 15:22

My younger child resulted from my ex raping me. I felt pressure for a long time never to let this be known so that she would never feel that she wasn't wanted.

When the MAP didn't work I made the decision to keep her. She grew inside me and I adore her equally to my other children.

The pressure to protect her was so great that I even had my rapists name put down on her birth certificate as father so she would never know that she is different.

It took me 7 years to get him to leave us alone. He is still pressuring. But in that time I have sought a lot of counselling and therapy and you know what? I will tell her when she is old enough.

I will tell her because it is the truth and doesn't define who she is or her worth. It ddfined who he is. I will not protect HIM from the consequences of HIS actions. Because I don't owe him shit.

Lots of secrets have come out in my family as my parents have got older and died and finding them out at 40 makes your whole life a lie.

Tell them the truth. Do it with kindness. Say that he made a mistake but that for you this is a boundary too far.

It isnt bitter to speak the truth. It isn't wrong to consider that your children deserve to know the facts, however uncomfortable, and make reasoned decisions from those facts.

Vodkacranberryplease · 23/08/2020 16:11

Sorry but the thing that struck you is that he didn't confess to using a prostitute. He told you that he 'had to' because he isnt getting enough sex with you.

VERY different. He used it as a stick to beat you - 'look what you made me do'. And now you say you don't think he will leave and that you were possibly separating and he stays up late drinking which is why you don't have sex.

So it's solicitor time. If he doesn't want to leave then the divorce is unreasonable grounds because he used a prostitute. If he is willing to divorce fairly and go then it's divorce on unspecified incompatibilities. It's up to him which one he has.

The solicitor would convey that to him. Not you. You would need copies of all financial documents including pensions and if you can get proof of his visit (did he use a card? People do you know) to take yo your solicitors meeting.

Then as far as the kids go it's up to you if you are that specific. I probably wouldn't be but I would say he cheated and that we were already not getting along and so splitting was best for all.

Vodkacranberryplease · 23/08/2020 16:13

Sorry I mean the thing that struck me! It really stood out that he says he 'had to' do that. It's very manipulative and quite unpleasant. He was telling you to make you feel bad.

jessstan2 · 23/08/2020 16:21

@chickenyhead