Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Onesmallstep67 that's exactly what I'm doing tonight. I'm doing a diamond painting that I haven't done in weeks and just focusing on myself.

Yesterday was a weird day overall as my dad turned up unannounced (well 5 minutes warning) and I hadn't seen him since November. Apparently I have lost too much weight.
I need to find an iron who understands my overly complicated family dynamic and that just because I come from a big family doesn't mean we all get on or see each other.

Evening all. An update from me.

I’ve been speaking to backonthehorse and another friend and I have ended it with Mr T tonight. It’s too much of a roller coaster and it’s draining me of my hard fought for self confidence. We’d partly arranged a meet up after our date on Friday for beginning of the week. I’d text today to confirm if he’d prefer Monday or Tuesday. The “conversation” that followed was like pulling teeth. It was genuinely painful, trying to organise to meet with somebody who was supposed to find me attractive and want to spend time with me. So I sent a suggestive text back to try and liven things up and he read and never replied, even though he’s been online all evening. It was the final straw and Backonthehorse will back me as she’s seen the messages!

I took the cowards way out and text him. I feel I’ve already put too much effort into this (lesson learned) and I don’t want to see him again in case I changed my mind. He’s not read it yet though but I can assume his response, if any, will be about as enthusiastic as somebody facing a root canal with no anaesthetic. I feel sad but I also feel a bit relieved which I think is good.

In other news I today blocked my ex on every known platform I know of. I’ve given him a close friends number who is going to be the go between, once a week, for him to arrange his days to see our son. I’m sick of his narcissist arsehole tendencies and he’s draining me too. One day it’s marriage proposals and the next it’s abuse. I’m done with letting him wind me up.

So I’ve gotten rid of a lot of dead wood today. Time to refill my confidence and self love reserves I think.

Thank you all for being so awesome x

Awesome work all round @LivingMyBestLife2020 like you said saying should enhance your life. Not feel like dental surgery.

*dating not saying!

Go @LivingMyBestLife2020 defo a step forward kind of day for us on here today.

His response? Fair enough. 🤣😂

@cravingthelook what a wonderful day you have had. Thanks for sharing your tale of loveliness. It's really lifted me.

@Dancerinthemoonlight oddly I came to be thinking a lot about personal goals and realised today that instead of hoping I'll find my fourth bass player after a row of three (and my first love too) why don't I learn to play it as an instrument so looking on eBay for a cheapish one and happily watching beginners YouTube vids.

I also like @cravingthelook applied the 'could I take him to my friends' houses' test to some of the men I've had short term romances with and a resounding 'Nope' for all of them so will now be applying this as a much earlier filter!

Some kind of bold fail there folks. Sorry about that.

Tremendous work @LivingMyBestLife2020 and what a bland affirmation from him that you totally did the right thing to draw a line under it with Mr T.

What words did you use to end it with him.

Also very impressive work with your deciding to go NC with your kids father. That's a smart move.

@Ruralbliss I wish I could go back to piano playing but my wrist will never be strong enough for it. Not sure how long you have been around but I have had 5 wrist surgeries with 4 of them being in the last 2 years.

I'm making plans of getting back into a few hobbies I had put to the side while continuing to apply to jobs I find appealing. Just like the right man will be out there for me so will the right job. Making a list of things I want to do on my holiday and as its just me I can do whatever I want and actually be selfish with my time.

@Dancerinthemoonlight Sorry to hear of your wrist issues. That sounds very painful and sad.

Dating and applying for/getting shortlisted/interviewed for jobs have many similarities.

Hope you have a wonderful holiday with dedicated you-time to enjoy all the things you like doing.

@Ruralbliss if only job interviews or getting a job was as easy as dates. I have never really had an issue with an iron wanting a second date; it usually me not wanting it or being as into them as they are to me.
I still have 18 days until my holidays so I'm just going to see if I get any dates in that time and hopefully hear back about some jobs

@Dancerinthemoonlight its down to them, the 'good enough for sex' thing. I never got why in this decade when there's things like fab and plenty of women seeking consensual nsa sex, there were still men on dating apps romancing their way into a womans bed with no intentions of it going further. I had it happen a couple of times, and neither man was direct or upfront about what he really wanted, intimating he wanted more, which left me feeling used and confused afterwards. There's just no need for it in this day and age.

@supercali77 I honestly think it's a conquest thing. To give their egos a boost, they can win you over. It's pathetic but a huge part of the whole toxic masculinity thing. They have to look like they are man enough to get a woman into bed.

@cravingthelook agreed. I cant see a reason for it other than that. Or maybe being generous they are 'confused'. In which case stop bringing people that are genuinely seeking relationships into your confusion

@Ruralbliss, I was very honest with him. Told him I’d started to fall for him but that it wasn’t going to work because he didn’t give me what I needed, which was affection and romance and that I didn’t feel important, wanted or desired by him. I said I’d tried to look past that to all the positives he has but it wasn’t enough for me to continue and I was losing my self confidence.

I feel pretty sad this morning as I do really like a lot of things about him, but he’s not making me feel good about myself, he’s damaging me and that’s not acceptable.

Sorry to ramble. It’s nice to write it all down here and reaffirm my decision in my mind.

Randomly, I had a dream last night that I attempted to swim the English Channel! It’s been a goal of mine to do it as a pair or 3 person relay. Maybe it’s a sign!

Aw @LivingMyBestLife2020 that was a lovely heartfelt message to send. And he replied fair enough. So he really let you know the type of person he was. I'm sorry. My advice would be to block him. This type tend to come back just as you are feeling stronger.

@Notcoolmum, thank you. It’s my own fault I’m a bit hurt. He did tell me at the beginning he’s dead inside and a closed book. I didn’t think he meant it so literally! I should have walked away then but in person he’s always been so warm and attentive. I think he’s either become complacent over the months and thinks he “got me” so the little bit of effort he used to make has died off Or he’s just not interested and was waiting for me to end it. Either way, it’s done. Onwards and upwards with my self respect intact.

I absolutely know it’s the right thing but it still hurts. I’ve not blocked him but i have muted and archived him. I won’t go back, I’m stronger than that but I’m pretty confident there will be no love bombing! I will block if needs be though.

I’m only giving myself today to mope.

Heard from the 3rd party dealing with the ex that he’s cancelled seeing our son this afternoon as he has a date 🙄 Such a lovely man.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 what a lovely dad your ex is ... not

Mr Swan text this morning.... not answering it.

Mr Planner sent a 😍 yesterday and I said last night I'd hoped he had a nice evening with his friend and that's for a great afternoon.
He replied late and said the afternoon was great and he's looking forward to seeing me again

I ended up doing the Tinder boost last night and had nearly 300 matches from it. 48 of those were worth swiping on but the number has been culled more this morning. This is for either not reading my profile and just wanting something casual to the conversation running dry after about 20 minutes.
I'm currently having a debate with a match over why women say they don't want hookups and apparently life would be a lot better if women thought the same was as men did about sex. Apparently slut shaming is just a myth and if women had sex like a man there would be a lot less stress and over thinking.

Boundaries are staying strong

He actually said he was dead inside @LivingMyBestLife2020 ? Wow! He was telling you who he was. And of course you would think it was a joke. Mope away today. And your ex is a knob. Imagine putting a date before your own child.

I'm having a real wobble about Mr B. He's just not the parent I want him to be. He's an easy going every other weekend dad. And he's great with his DC. But he seems to think he does his bit. And as someone who has brought mine up alone it seems a bit feeble to me and it has me questioning whether we have shared values. He's great company. Caring. Attentive. Has only ever treated me well. But there is a seed of doubt for me that seems to be growing.

He sounds vile @Dancerinthemoonlight. Why are you engaging with him? Slut shaming is a myth? As is misogyny and the patriarchy? Rape? Domestic violence? Prostitution? Sex trafficking? Not all men see sex as a transaction and women as a commodity.

[quote supercali77]@Dancerinthemoonlight its down to them, the 'good enough for sex' thing. I never got why in this decade when there's things like fab and plenty of women seeking consensual nsa sex, there were still men on dating apps romancing their way into a womans bed with no intentions of it going further. I had it happen a couple of times, and neither man was direct or upfront about what he really wanted, intimating he wanted more, which left me feeling used and confused afterwards. There's just no need for it in this day and age.[/quote]
@supercali77 I don't know about women's feeds but my Tinder feed is full of 'profiles' that link to sites that are about that one thing - lockdownfuck, cougars, milfs etc. It's crap and tawdry and you've got to wonder how someone normal is then viewed in amongst all that.

Really @HairyArsedMan ? I've been off the apps for a while but I have never seen a profile like that! So fake profiles linking to sex workers?

I don't know about the sex worker thing really or whether they are specific hookup genres @Notcoolmum as I've not followed up through to those sites ... I report the profiles usually but there's definitely someone out there regularly spamming Tinder this way.

@Notcoolmum
Sorry to read you are having a wobble about Mr B.

Its funny really how EOW dads think they are doing their bit for their kids. Is it just his time thst he doesnt give or everything?

Mr K has his son every Weds from 4 - 8pm and every weekend plus anytime in between if work and school permit.
Plus football matches and school events and anything his son wants. Plus they message and ring each other constantly.

Apparently women in the past have had issues with him not having weekends free to see them, i think its great that he has his son loads and i love my weekends doing my thing.
He does get a weekend off if he has something booked so when we go away for our 1 year he won't see his son but will likely see him more the week before and after.

Being a good dad is high on my list of whats acceptable in a partner.