Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[Notcoolmum]

@Dancerinthemoonlight I agree. It he gave you the ick why bother? I'd say the point of changing your profile and your boundaries is to meet different people from your type. But they have to be better different. He doesn't sound better different.

@supercali77 I also struggle with this. I'm a contradiction. I like being in a relationship but I also like my own company and to be able to make my own decisions about how I spend my time. I'm fiercely independent and yet I love being looked after. I'm scared of being vulnerable. Of being hurt and then looking back and telling myself 'I told you so' But if we don't allow ourselves to be (cautiously) open and vulnerable we will never be in the loving relationship we want.

I also resonated with a comment on the last thread about setting tests men don't know I'm setting... I think I'm hard work tbh!!!!

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@unambiguousbeard the previous one I was just attracting fuck boys. I think I'm going to tweak it a bit because this new profile isn't attracting the kind of men I find attractive.

[littlebitotartan]

I've posted on here before as I'm new to dating and got great tips . I have been chatting to two men in line and by phone last night .
One of the men is chatty, open , sounds kind and lovely but has such a back story. Can I ask people if they take people as they find them now in the present or does their history and experiences shape your decisions even if they don't impact the persons life in a negative way anymore ? Thanks

[Onesmallstep67]

@littlebitotartan, I think it's impossible not to take some of their back story into account but who they are now is most important - and how they dealt with the issues in their past will tell you something about their character. As a person I'm pretty non judgemental about things that people do ( within reason). If it feels right to move from chatting to a date then meeting in person should give you a better sense of if you are interested. Liking someone and working out if they fit with your world can be very multilayered.

[bumblefumble]

Just a quick update: Had first "real" date with MrTall yesterday, height wasn't an issue in the end and I was far more attracted to him in real life than I thought I would be (His dating profile pictures were truly awful and did him no favours!)
I am wondering if distance might become a problem as he lives a 90 minute motorway drive away but organising meeting in a City half way between us going forward.

[HairyArsedMan]

Hey @dancerinthemoonlight - you're making allowances for his behaviour. You don't need to make allowances. Nerves don't make you say stuff like that, they just make you ...umm... nervous ... and quiet .. . and blush. My overriding wish, nerves or not, is that at worst I would come away from a date hoping my date was pleasantly surprised I'm not a dick.

@supercali77 That sounds marvellous. I think you're stretching too far forwards about the letting down of barriers and I think it's a worry you can park (happily) for now. So enjoy the dates, spend the time together, invest that time on exploring how you are together - I think you are doing the pair of you a massive favour in letting the attraction simmer and figuring out how you will both co-pilot your thing.

[littlebitotartan]

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 .
He interesting and polite and funny to chat to. He has had one tough life but I feel a bit overwhelmed by everything he has told
Me. He seems to be an open book almost like he feels he needs to be honest about his past.
He has been the victim of emotional and domestic violence. Police involved.
So much of a back story. I want to give him a chance as I really thought about what you wrote in that examining how they dealt with issues tells us about character, in which case he seems to be worth a shot . He has had a traumatic few years culminating in the ending of the abusive relationship, a city move, new job eighteen months ago. He believes that he is ready to date again and see where things go. I wonder if it's too soon for me? I certainly don't want to find myself in role of fixer . Any thought? Are these concerns valid or common? Thanks for reading

[supercali77]

@unambiguousbeard I feel .. or felt...your pain on the apps. I don't think I ever managed more than a month at a time.this time the big several month break helped. I was pretty happy with life alone and had a certain amount of acceptance. Still do. So, I guess I was more tolerant of things not being right, as in...next them immediately. No trouble. Fail fast and all that. I dont believe in 'too picky'. We want what we want

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

I find nerves effect people in different ways. I know when I'm nervous I don't go erm, quiet and blush. I tend to waffle on for England about random stuff, feeling the need to fill silences.
I'm still thinking about going on the date or not on Wednesday. Nothing has been confirmed as yet, as in the time or what we are doing

[Onesmallstep67]

@littlebitotartan, that's a lot of things for him to have to deal with and process. Opinions may be divided on here. Some may say that for him to tell you all of those things upfront is a lot for you to take on and may be a sign they had a profound effect upon him which he is still dealing with . It would be somewhat of a miracle if he had come through so much difficulty unscathed. Others may see his openess as a good thing, that he's able to speak about it and demonstrate how he's come through it. Only you know how he seems when you chat. I think the most obvious advice is to proceed with caution and to be aware of any signals he gives off but that is true of any new person who we meet OLD. Not sure of your age and background or what kind of RS you are looking for but if you are happy to meet him then take it a date at a time.

[littlebitotartan]

Thanks for your reply @Onesmallstep67 . That is good advice . One date at a time and be wary of red flags . He is divorced and has good relationships with his children , with two different partners and supports them
In every way over the last 20 years.
He seems relieved that his relationship is over despite her sleeping with another man. He says he can now see what was going on in retrospect but not at the time.
I feel that it is not for me to decide whether he is ready to date but because it's so new to me ... my first date .... I'm
Wary and nervous after a long and faithful marriage ... well on my
Part anyway ..

[supercali77]

@Notcoolmum thanks sweetcheeks x

@HairyArsedMan Thanks, I'm trying to let go today. Looking forward to seeing him on Thursday which is basically as much as i need to think about right now

[frocksmock]

@littlebitotartan when I came out of a long marriage and started dating I found I was very naive and took everyone at face value, believing what they told me and wanting to see the best in everyone. I'm not saying that's you, but if I could go back I'd tell myself to stand back and add a pinch of healthy cynicism till I got better acquainted with people. It would have saved me from some hasty and poor judgement calls. Your chap maybe totally lovely and exactly what he seems to be, but don't assume everyone tells the truth is my (painfully gained) experience.

My date with Mr Diver aka Mr Grubbles was pleasant but unexciting. He's not my usual type, which I'm trying to see as a good thing since I'm sick of abusive narcissists, and I'd see him again if he was up for it, but no butterflies.

[frocksmock]

@Dancerinthemoonlight nerves make me become highly extrovert and overly chatty too I'm much quieter in real life!

[littlebitotartan]

Thanks@frocksmock . There Is such cynicism inside of me that I'm
Trying not to let it overshadow something nice coming into my life .
I've been Naeive and got treated awfully before but I think the advice is good
Take things date by date. I really only want a casual but exclusive relationship for the foreseeable future so this means that because of distance , I would really only see him weekly for a walk / dinner and every second weekend mostly

[frocksmock]

@littlebitotartan good for you, and this is such a supportive thread, you know we're all going to be rooting for you!

[littlebitotartan]

Thank you. I can see how kind and supportive but honest you are with each other and I really like the atmosphere here. It's kind of stressful when you start the whole old thing, trying to be very specific about what you want, what your deal breakers are, boundaries , understanding that we all have pasts and have made mistakes.
I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt but will be on my toes so as to protect myself
Thanks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

In the end I sent Mr Doctor "On reflection I think we are looking for different things. I didn't feel that spark/connection that I am looking for. Good luck with dating and finding what you are looking for" I was having really bad anxiety this morning and when I decided on my walk that i would send him that it all vanished. I was beginning to think I owed him the second date because he travelled to see me and he paid. Maybe thats why I used to travel and pay so if I did't want to see an iron again then I would feel like I owed it to them.
I have had a bit of an up a down day today with the thought of I'm probably going to be alone forever so I need to get used to it.
I have had a few messaged from men abroad saying that the men in my area must be idiots if I am single.
Men seem to think that I am good enough for sex but not for a relationship. I don't know what that is

[Notcoolmum]

Well done @Dancerinthemoonlight
You have set your standards and boundaries and keeping your head high. Ignore the chancers from abroad. You know what you want and you will find it. You are very young with a happy future ahead of you. Imagine it. I'm sure it will happen for you.

[Ruralbliss]

Good for you @Dancerinthemoonlight
That's a strong move 💪
He didn't seem like your guy.

I've had a moment of clarity here today. I need to better at screening out at the phone/text stage and not meeting people who's red flags have already been revealed (or non-adherence to my must/must not have).

This seems so simple and straightforward when written down but in practice I have problems with it.

My last OLD romance lasted Feb to Jun but he should have been screened out when he let it slip he'd lied about his age on Bumble by ten years AND he was a raging born again Christian (I'm atheist). Because he made me laugh I went on a date, fell for his good looks, height and tales of a rock n roll past.

Other first dates have been totally awful and I've dreaded them as the phone chats were one sided with me enduring a two hour monologue despite the phone chat being a similar dreary experience. Shouldn't have wasted my time meeting people.
I'm a too-nice people pleaser.

The recent ghosting by Mr Polymath could have been avoided if I'd been big enough to tell him I didn't think he was what I was looking for from what I'd gleaned from him during text exchanges and phone calls but I proceeded to meet him, the pheromones were in charge and I totally loved his take on life, his back story, bass playing, motorbike riding.

Soooooo.
I've had a pleasant enough initial chat with Mr Welsh today. There were no red flags but he's lived in the same small place all his life which is on my list of no-no's so not quite enough to say no to a meet-up but my new rule is that the are revealed they shouldn't be ignored!

[HairyArsedMan]

@Dancerinthemoonlight "Men seem to think that I am good enough for sex but not for a relationship. I don't know what that is"

I think there are many men your age that are only looking for that and you encounter a lot of them on Tinder, but this is not something intrinsic to you. They treat a lot of women the same way. I don't think this is a good thing but also I don't think you should turn it on yourself.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@HairyArsedMan it's not just Tinder, it's been POF and Bumble as well but it could very well be the age range I am in. Only time will tell.

I'm thinking of using my Tinder Boost tonight as its 19 days until my holiday so if there is any one I like the look of it gives enough time for a date or 2. Its also about 2 weeks until my tinder gold runs out so I want the chance to go through any matches I get.

[unambiguousbeard]

I'm glad to hear it @Dancerinthemoonlight he didn't sound good. That's also part of setting boundaries. @Ruralbliss post says it all, filter, filter, filter. (Maybe I'm not the best person to offer advice as I clearly over filter)

[Onesmallstep67]

@Dancerinthemoonlight, it's so difficult for me not to trot out the clichés about plenty of time/ only need to find one right person etc. I have often felt the frustration that you seem to be expressing in your posts today. What I am going to say is something that has been mentioned on the thread in the past and that is to not let OLD take over your life. Yes of course none of us would be here if we weren't looking for or juggling RS /dating. I am glad that you decided not to pursue Mr Doctor. You were probably considering it as part of the process of testing out the new type of guys that your updated profile is attracting. I have to work really hard to keep dating in perspective and not let it become the number 1 focus by which I judge my merit or quality of life. I've been guilty in the past of filling my life up with OLD but could often feel pretty rubbish when things didn't work out. So my one clichéd piece of advice is not to let your search dictate your happiness. Keep busy ( easier said than done maybe ) and focus on your goals.

[cravingthelook]

Thanks @SortingItOut you are right and after a good few tears this morning and confirmation from @Dancerinthemoonlight that he's being a prick (I screen shot his message for her). I gave myself a shake, put it to one side and decided to give the date a shot.

OMG I'm so glad I did, I don't want to jinx it but it turned out brilliantly, I think it has potential and I'm not feeling anxious about it weirdly but I am feeling butterflies. I'm calling him Mr Planner

So we were going to brunch but no tables but the really nice bistro opposite my place had a table for lunch so we did that. He only lives about 10 minutes drive away. Completely in the same life stage, separated, divorcing, sharing custody of a 9 year old. He was more attractive in real life, really attentive, conversation flowed, we talked about everything, connected on so much, by the time we'd finished eating he kept touching my hand. Then by the end of our coffees we were holding hands across the table. We'd almost outstayed our welcome and he asked what I was planning to do in the afternoon and so I asked if he wanted a walk. It was a bit muddy but we walked anyway, holding hands and chatting. I live 5 minutes walk from a waterfall so I took him there and he pulled me in for a cuddle, then he kissed me and we ended up standing next to the waterfall kissing for ages. I felt a bit giddy.
We said it was nice that it all felt quite natural. So we walked a couple more miles and he came to mine for a brew. I made him tea and we kissed a lot. He was really respectful and when we got a little hot (just heated snogging) he pulled back and said he should head off. He said I was a great kisser and couldn't wait for date 2, our schedules are a bit crazy the next couple of weeks and he just said we will make it work.

I feel this one has potential. I don't want to get too carried away but it felt different, I could imagine me taking him to parties with my friends. I was really surprised by the real connection that wasn't just sexual, it was an actual connection about music and travel and friendship.

I made a decision tonight I'm just going to enjoy it. I'm not even going to mention it to Mr Swan at all. Just head up onto the sand dunes and have a walk with Mr Planner instead.

Please keep me strong gang