Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[Kazziepooes]

That’s great news. And, even better, he seems to be independent & not needy. Enjoy!!

[ZoZoBo]

All this talk of friends from online dating is so alien to me- can’t imagine being friends with any of my unsuccessfuls
Mr CarMad has gone quiet just a quick text this morning in response to one I sent yesterday. I know he’s working and unavailable for the next few days so we’ll see what comms are like over the weekend as it’s important to me to be in touch even briefly on a regular basis.
Speaking of which the guy I matched with on Friday has been messaging every day just funny stories about wfh which we are both doing or kids. He seems lovely but is not suggesting meeting or moving to more flirty chat. Maybe he is the friend I’m going to make 😂.
I’m considering suggesting coffee but need a bright and breezy way of wording it (all suggestions welcome!) ...or should I wait to see if he suggests a meet? I’m torn between ‘I’m a modern 40 something woman who should be able to make the first move’ to that just looks desperate

[Bunkbedpeople]

@ZoZoBo

“Goodnight, enjoy your X. We really must continue this hilarious/interesting conversation over coffee some day - do let me know if you fancy some time?”

Or something like that. I’m a big fan of “soft sell” asking out - bring the idea up but don’t feel like you’re doing the chasing and hopefully he’ll pick up if he wants to meet.

I’ve got a phone chat with MrCountry on Thursday (his idea) which will be nice but I’m trying to pace contact a bit - he’s stuck on a ship with lots of men doing long shifts and as much as it’s nice to be in touch (and I’m seriously considering exclusivity) I don’t want to get caught up in having loads of elaborate/flirty chat taking me out of the rhythm of my daily life .

[crackofdoom]

bunkbedpeople ooh, a seaman! I have lovely memories of an 18 month relationship with a merchant seaman- even if I never did get to see his ship (he was always on the China- Australia run or summat) :) You're right though, an all-consuming mega textathon lasting weeks/ months with someone you're not even committed to can sometimes be a blind alley. I made that mistake with Mr Shipwreck- we were only FWBs, but for ages I didn't try and date anybody else because we were constantly messaging, which didn't really give me the space to.

hairy/craving No, I just meant that staying friends with someone who has rejected me doesn't really work for me. You may be stronger people than I

[Bunkbedpeople]

Yes I do enjoy that whole practical/manly/getting home and wanting to “do stuff” vibe .

I’m a wordy introverted analytical over thinker so someone who just gets on with life is like a holiday from my own head!

plus it’s quite nice having some free time to do my own thing (not really dating others, but practical stuff and random single woman stuff like talking crap on MN)

But like you say @crackofdoom it’s too easy to get caught up in putting ones own life on hold for a text based/fantasy interaction.

We’ve been on some fairly solid dates already so I’m optimistic, but not agreed a commitment yet.

[HairyArsedMan]

But is it a rejection of the whole of you @crackofdoom ? Such that you have to wipe the whole of them from your life ? I’m not talking about the serious hurt that exists after a relationship ends ... that’s different. I’m talking about having a couple of dates and realising that one or the other of you are probably not at the same stage but still there’s something you both like about each other. Miss T said to me she didn’t see it as a romantic thing but we still have lots in common and have spent loads of time together since then so I don’t see it as a rejection of ‘me’.

At some point we’ll have to scale things down because it can’t be good for both of us to be using our free weekends like this if we both want something more. However for the time being I’m finding it better than the dating merry go round.

[crackofdoom]

bunkbed I really liked my relationship with the merchant seaman BECAUSE he was only there half the time; I loved having all that time to myself, while still happy in the knowledge that I had a boyfriend out there somewhere

hairyarsedman hmmm, y'see...with Mr Sparky it was quite a bit more than a couple of dates. Our first date was one week before lockdown, so we were talking for months....then I'd say we were seeing each other for 2-3 months, although only every couple of weeks mostly, due to kids/ other commitments. I felt we..."fitted". I thought it had legs- intellectually, in terms of shared goals, in terms of mutual friends and interests- as much as probably more than physically. So yes, I do see it as a rejection of the whole of me.

[HairyArsedMan]

Sure, he found out a whole lot more about you in that time, but it may have only been one small thing that bothered him, not the whole of you. Or he may have been a dickhead, or have a short attention span, or anything really. It’s never all about you and taking it that way is being quite tough on yourself. But yes absolutely take your point, friendship would not be a path I’d want to go down at this point if I were you.

[ZoZoBo]

@Bunkbedpeople like that approach- thanks. I knew someone here would know how to say it 😊

[IJustWantSomeBees]

Hi all, hoping to jump in and join the conversation. I've recently started OLD, never had a relationship before, only casual stuff (I'm early twenties). I've met up with two guys who I met on Hinge but don't like the way either of them treated me - nothing terribly sinister, I just felt like at the end of the day they only wanted one thing and I was expected to slot into their life while they made no effort to add any value to mine. I ended it with both of them a month ago and have been on a dating break since.

I'm very interested in the Female Dating Strategy and was wondering if anyone here had experience with it? Whilst I don't agree with every point they make, reading the FDS blogs has really made me think about my expectations and boundaries when it comes to how men treat me, and some of the FDS opinions really resonate with me so I'd like to explore it going forward - any thoughts/experiences in regards to this greatly appreciated!

[UtterSocks]

Hi @IJustWantSomeBees - what is Female Dating Strategy? Maybe I need this.

Am finding the conversation about being friendly with ex irons fascinating. I'm like you @LadyH846 - dating when I am not over someone, as against all odds I went for a drink with Mr Beard after he phoned me when he was upset about something and a bit drunk (I encouraged it. We do text from time to time and I am a terrible fixer).

I was terrified it would put me right back (I hadn't seen him in person for over 3 months, during which time I think I've completed all the apps twice over with my many, manic dates) but on balance it was positive. He'd been flirty over the phone when drunk but wasn't in person. He went to great lengths to tell me all the things he was doing to be a better person. And he really does have a huge amount of shit to deal with. I stopped seeing him as a God, or a bastard, and started seeing him as just a guy doing his best with the cards he was dealt. All my anger evaporated. He drove me home and we hugged for a long time and ... I don't know. If he had made a pass at me I would not/could not have resisted. But he didn't. And I was disappointed, but also happy he spent time with me with no ulterior motive. Am I over him? Not even close. I think about him all the time. But I know I will never block him. It's like with you @hairyarsedman and @crackofdoom - he just said at the time his life so difficult and complex he wasn't ready for a relationship. I took it as 'you're bored with me, you bastard, you were using me for sex'. But now I think maybe he was telling the truth. In so much as you can ever know whether another person is telling you the truth or not. Still sad though.

So sorry for your situation @WanderingLost167. Hope you are OK. What have you decided re: dating? And @ZoZoBo did you mention the coffee date?

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@IJustWantSomeBees welcome. I'm slightly older than you being 27. The threads are a wealth of knowledge. I'm currently on a dating break and on holiday. I am re-reading the fds handbook and figuring out how to apply some of it to my dating going forwards. I find a lot men in the age group are just after casual things or just sex when I am looking for more. The FDS has taught me that my expectations have been far too low and where I have been going wrong with dating. Like you I don't agree with all of it but figuring out what I want to take on board with my dating.

[UtterSocks]

In other news my nice fella Mr Bike has made it to date 7 now and this sounds awful as he is really lovely, but he is really not good in bed (I've given it a go 3 times now). I mean he enjoys it, but ... I think I am going to have to stop seeing him because I'm starting to use him as a fallback guy when I feel a bit needy, but he likes me more than I like him. And I can't fix sexual incompatibility, can I? And my friend with benefits Mr Extreme (who I've been chatting to on and off since I split up with Mr Beard) dropped me for a better offer on Saturday (he said lads night but I don't believe him) which is fine as it's our deal, but he didn't even message me, I had to ring him, and he messaged and was like "oh sorry you hadn't been in touch since Monday, so I thought you changed your mind". We agreed not to message much in case we get attached so that is bollocks, so I've dropped him now. But he was useful to have, with Mr Bike being not so good in bed, and he made me laugh too.

I also have a date tomorrow and numerous other nameless irons lurking in the ether for when I find time. But they all still come up short compared to Mr Beard. Tomorrow's chap, Mr Local, isn't after anything serious though, so I don't feel bad. And he is funny. As someone mentioned up thread (@HairyArsedMan*?) I think I am a bit of a show pony who loves first dates but CBA with subsequent ones. I was like that before Mr Beard and am even more so after him. Maybe it's because nobody compares to him, or maybe because I can only think of one decent outfit!

I'm beginning to feel it is hard work but I'm so shit at spending time alone or working through my issues I just keep at it. I also attract maniacs. But then my friend said to me 'that isn't true, you attract loads of people and you CHOOSE the maniacs because you are a head case'. I do wonder!

[WanderingLost167]

So, I haven't heard from the ex and to be honest, that's probably best, nothing can get sorted out in our situation quickly.

I have decided to date in batches, rather than try and take on all of POF in one go. So, chatting to three men currently, all asked me out. Spoken to one at lunch on the phone, another call tonight and then first date tomorrow night. I have zero idea what I'm doing or how I'm going to feel about this.

I'm still in the process of being divorced and just ended another long term relationship, so I'm basically looking for someone or someones to keep me occupied on my child free weekends. Fun, friendship and frolics I suppose, especially until I know or decide what is happening with the ex.

How honest are you about your intentions going into a date?

[WanderingLost167]

@UtterSocks ditch the bad in bed one, no matter how nice they are!

[HairyArsedMan]

I think we all have issues @UtterSocks and can keep working on them, just as we can keep going to work, keep parenting, keep learning and with the right sort you'll be able to open up again. Sounds like you surrendered that vulnerability to Mr Beard and can't do it again with someone else. That leaves you locked in with him. Maybe something about his issues and the revealing of them helped you open up and connect. It's something I've noticed before in 'what feels like' strong connections that are actually just as stable as the people at each end of them.

[supercali77]

I also really don't remain friends with people it didn't work out with, but then I was on a dickhead drive so...yeah thats the story with that. Things are going really well with mr A. Think we are several dates in and a long weekend. Im falling for him. My shrivelled little heart opens up a bit and then retreats a bit. Trust gets built.

For the pp that asked about fds. Yep I followed it. Not all of jt. Post marriage a lot of it seems geared for a much younger age. But It made my dating life very clear cut.

[Pinotgrigio33]

What's fds?

[supercali77]

@Pinotgrigio33 female dating strategy. A reddit forum but most folk just read the guide on there

[Uptheshard]

Hello all. Loving the thread.. just perfect bed time scrolling. Your stories and eloquent expressions are truly lovely to hear ... am still dating mr army..6 months in now ! Met on OLD the week before lockdown both admitted we were on the point of giving up then... it was a case of omg what is this happening to us... full.on lust and truly the best shagging ever ..took us both by total surprise.
Had no idea I'd meet anyone special
Not expected anything on OLD ...going through shit divorce...etc etc but despite being cautious...taking it slow...never being too available... keeping to the rules...boundary setting... have found myself slowly and certainly falling hard for this guy.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

Another new thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4025672-Dating-Thread-194-Dire-men-of-the-Internet?watched=1

[crackofdoom]

Oh excellent, hairyarsedman has got to make the first post on that one

[UtterSocks]

@HairyArsedMan you are so wise. You should be my dating guru. Locked in with him is exactly how I feel. I have dates tomorrow and possibly Sunday. I have quite a few interested irons pushing to meet that I have been chatting to tonight in between watching Netflix and chatting to my daughter. But at the moment I can't imagine feeling the same way about anyone.

Ans @WanderingLost167 no I am not honest about my dating intentions but I don't lie either... I just disassemble and justify it by telling myself they probably don't care either way 🤷‍♀️

@Uptheshard lovely news about you and Mr Army!

So ... bad sex. The consensus is to get rid, yes? It really doesn't improve? It's actually more frustrating than not having sex at all 🙄

[Rainydayss]

Anyone in local lockdown and had to cancel dates? I might line up some video dates and have the doorbell ringtone ready in my phone so I can make an escape if needs be...