Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[supercali77]

@bangheadhere40 tbh id be inclined to use some kind honesty. E.g. really sorry think you're a really great person, respect you, but for me there's not the spark I'd expect. Im always aware when something is an excuse and it gnaws at me

[supercali77]

Guys. Advice. I had that phone call and was due to meet today but he hadn't texted since so I thought, never mind. So i set up another date. Anyway he's just texted asking time etc. Now i have a beautiful funny single pal. Is it madness to suggest they go on a blind date. Id already shown her a pic of him and she thought he was handsome. Is this disrespectful or .... nice?

[crackofdoom]

Ooh, that's a tricky one....That could backfire horribly! I would text this bloke telling him the truth: that you didn't hear from him, so set up another date. Then see how the conversation goes from there.

Does anyone else find Tinder a bit of a headfuck? 99+ likes in the 14 hours since I set it up- I dunno, about 8 matches. I've initiated conversations with all but 1 of them (hey, I'm used to Bumble, where the woman starts the conversation)- and only one reply, so far. So far, it's seeming a bit rushed and superficial, and a bit of a waste of time.

[Claire926]

Has anyone had any luck with Bumble? I tried Tinder last summer and found that after one date with the men that they had very bad mental health issues. There was one guy last year I met from Bumble who was nice but no spark. There is someone in real life I like but he's being flakey so I need to expand my options. It's hard trying to date with all of the restrictions in place at the moment. I do prefer meeting someone in real life.

[crackofdoom]

Given one evening's experience of Tinder, I think I prefer Bumble. There tend to be more words and information on the bios, which I prefer- less traffic, but , just going by my experience, it seems to be easier to initiate in- depth conversations.

[Notcoolmum]

Aw that's a shame @bangheadhere40 but you would know after 8 dates. I have a lovely friend that adores me. And he ticks so many boxes for me but I don't find him attractive and I can't be in a relationship without that.

@supercali77 do you not want to meet him at all now? What does your friend think of the blind date idea.

I prefer tinder to bumble as I've had more dates from it and my last 3 relationships were from tinder. I don't send the first message though as I think men swipe right and then filter on the matches. So if they are pleased it's mutual they will message.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Update on Mr T after lots of chats with backonthehorse and a lovely date with Mr T last night.

It went well I think. He did open up a little bit more about past relationships without me prompting. He basically told me that he’s had 3 long term relationships (he’s 42) His worry seems to be protecting what he’s built up and earned over the years. He said he gets cold feet at the point when marriage and children have come up because he can’t see past the what ifs if the relationship breaks down and so he’s never had a relationship lasting more than 5 years.
He was prompted (and hopefully reassured) by me telling him about my divorce and how my husband was wealthy but I didn’t take anything more than what I’d put in and how I’d never be tied to anybody financially in the future. He also said he’d like children and is very open to a step child and I get the impression that’s the best of both worlds for him. Family life but without the worry of a broken father child relationship if it went wrong. He’s mentioned a few times that his dad abandoned him as a young child and he’s never gotten over it or wants a child of his own to ever feel abandoned.

We talked about the compliments/attention side of things a bit and I just think he doesn’t get it at all. He said last night he’d send me a loving good morning message, which he did, but bless him it was a bit naff, endearing I suppose but absolutely unnatural 🤣

Then he told me via message this morning that he was worried about disappointing me in the bedroom as he’s had a couple of instances of loosing his erection recently. He wants to try viagra which I’ve said I’ll support him either way and it’s his decision but not an issue for me but that I understand it’s not good for his confidence.

He was flirty from the start, held my hand, kissed me in public and we had a good laugh.

I think I need to chill out and let it unfold at its own pace, with no expectations. I feel I understand a little more now how his brain works and I’m happier now he’s opened up about past relationships (first time) without any prompting.

I want to keep going with this. We all have a past and it’s easier to relax knowing what he’s potentially thinking and why things have ended for him in the past.

Any thoughts from anybody?

[Onesmallstep67]

@LivingMyBestLife2020, it seems that the same thing has happened pretty much every time you see Mr T, he's lovely in person and you have a great time. And the issues/doubts then seem to arise when he isn't as on it in the messaging or finding the right tone for texts. There are only so many times you can raise the issue with him before it becomes a case of can he actually change or be how you want him to be ? I guess these days where most of us have time constraints on our free/dating time then you have to be in sync with comms as well as in person. But from what you describe in terms of the date and when you are together I would certainly be giving it my best shot at relaxing and enjoying. There is no time constraint on you, some things just take time to find their natural level. Maybe a bit of hairy and Menora's philosophy about building a little more slowly and with greater attention to detail ? Play the longer game with him ? or does that not fit with you as a person ?

[crackofdoom]

I would be a little worried about his obsession with a woman "taking" his money, living. That's the kind of language I think you would only hear in fairly misogynist circles. If a couple have a child together, and they break up, it's customary for the parent with care to be awarded enough of the family assets to be able to take care of a child properly. Traditionally this has been the mother, but then why is the mother the one left holding the baby, and why is the mother the one who gave her job up?? But if you have a child, it's reasonable to expect your financial situation to be affected- one way or another- for the next 18 years.

[Notcoolmum]

Hmm. @LivingMyBestLife2020 is there a reason why he's so concerned about protecting his assets? It does seem an odd way to think about a relationship. I married my ex with no thought about the financial implications. I'm sure at 42 and having established his career and wealth before a marriage etc there would be ways to protect what was his prior to marriage. But if you loved someone and had a family with them wouldn't you want to share and provide for them. I'd feel wary about you having to prove you aren't a gold digger.

Also he doesn't want children because he's scared of a broken relationship with them? So he sees the ends of things before they have even started? Has he got attachment issues? Has he had any therapy? And he's happy to get to know your son because he feels it's safe and he can walk away at any time.

None of this sits right with me I'm afraid.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

I wouldn’t say he was obsessed with protecting his assets but I agree it’s odd. He said he’s never found the right woman who he wanted to share the rest of his life with. He’s lived with women and had a mortgage with two of them. We didn’t get too deep into it so there may well be a real reason for the fear of marriage and children.

I agree that it’s odd but at the same time, I feel the same. I wouldn’t attach myself financially to anybody else ever again and I wouldn’t get remarried. I’d also be very very cautious about having another baby and being left alone again. That’s from experience though. I’m not sure his experience, other than being abandoned by his father.

I won’t probe him but I’ll try and explore it further in time

[Notcoolmum]

I think as we get older and have been burnt once we are often more wary. I wouldn't marry again unless there were mutual financial benefits as I want to protect my pension. But if that's the reason he bailed out of previous relationships it seems a little deeper entrenched than that. Having got to 42, never married and no children is unusual and there is usually a story behind it. I'd also want to keep him and my son separate until I was sure there was more of a future there.

[Notcoolmum]

I wouldn't have a baby with someone without being married through @LivingMyBestLife2020 again not something I'd have considered when I was younger. But marriage definitely provides some legal protections. Even if it's death rather than divorce. Marriage is, at its heart, a financial contract. But I am too old, thankfully, to consider that now! Are you much younger than Mr T?

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Im 37 so not massively younger. I own my own house (with mortgage) had a well paid career but gave it up for a career change (I could go back if I ever needed to) I’m living on savings and working part time now whilst I top up my qualifications to apply to Uni again next year, so financially secure and driven. I wouldn’t want to live with anybody again until at least after I’ve finished university in 4 years. He knows all of this about me, my situation and my life plan

[cravingthelook]

Checking in the new thread, well I was meant to have a date with Mr Red this afternoon/evening. He did mention he was out birthday drinking last night but hoped he wouldn't be too delicate.... but I've not heard from him 🙄 another one bites the dust.

I know I should talk about Mr Swan but I can't help it, early dinner with friends yesterday. Brilliant laugh, I drove, then afterwards we spent hours in the car, we drove round his home town showing the places he grew up, then we went to a local place to park and go for a walk. It was a lovely evening. This is what I want, with a goodnight kiss at the end of it.

[cravingthelook]

Shouldn't*

[frocksmock]

@Claire926 bumble and hinge have been hopeless for me, but I suspect that's down to living in a rural area rather than the apps themselves.
@LivingMyBestLife2020 I understand wanting to protect your finances and keep them separate, and yet at the same time I'd be concerned by someone being very keen to guard their position. There's a lack of generosity and trust that would bother me, no matter how rational his reasons.
I've got very little going on and only one iron. We're meeting for coffee tomorrow afternoon. He seems nice, easy to message with and easy going. He did call his dinner "grubbles" though, which made me feel (vom, not envy) and I briefly considered calling the date off on the strength of it! I shall call him Mr Diver.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

The thing that has confused me is he is generous. He always offers to pay when we are out and he has a big house. He bought it over Christmas. I asked him why so big for just him and he said for the future.

I’ll definitely be careful and keep my wits about me though. I’d not seen it as an issue until raised on here, so thank you

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

Quick loo update. Date with Mr Doctor going okay. He is a lot shorter than I thought he was but chat is flowing freely. He paid for dinner. Will update post date

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Enjoy @Dancerinthemoonlight

[Bunkbedpeople]

@frocksmock

Yes balancing out the whole “ick” factor whilst dating is interesting!

I kind of agree with Germaine Greer that you don’t need to admire a man or find him super-cool to be in love.

What hairyarsedman said earlier about taking your time to find common ground.

but also there’s dating a person where you’re just cringing all the time/socially embarrassed of the interaction - I did a lot of that when I had low self esteem when younger so I’m mindful I’m vulnerable to that dynamic, of “forcing myself to like someone”.

I’d meet for your date (you could go for dinner or grobbles ) and get more information.

[Bunkbedpeople]

Sounds good @Dancerinthemoonlight

[ZoZoBo]

Re the apps - tinder and pof have been most successful for me in that I actually met people on them. Had to wade out a lot of weirdos but that’s part of the fun isnt it 😆Bumble was ok but not many in on it and hinge is a ghost town.

Date sounds good dancer - looking forward to the full rundown :)

I paused all of the apps end of June and I forgot how weird people are now that I’m browsing again. Have been lightly messaging one guy and moved to Skype messaging another who is v handsome and seems lovely with it. We having a funny bantery convo when Mr blue eyes popped up again twice in 2 days messaging- he explained he has been really busy - he’s starting a new business alongside working ft plus had to go to his kids an extra weekend. I told him i felt ghosted or faded out and he apologised and said no way was he doing that just busy etc I told him I need the reassurance of even brief contact more often as we can’t see each other much which he says he gets but we’ll see. He also was keen to meet up asap but I’m going away with my kids tomorrow so agreed to next weekend. We also had a very honest conversation about sexual Health, contraception, not sleeping with others etc and about feelings etc. Basically all the things I wanted to say to him face to face have been addressed.
I think chatting to this new guy has made me think about what I will accept going forward as this week has made me analyse things more and my mistakes also.
So I will see how things go....

[ZoZoBo]

@frocksmock grobbles made me laugh 😂

[frocksmock]

@bangheadhere40 that's a hard conversation to have, especially as there's nothing wrong with him, but the longer it goes on the harder it'll be and if the spark isn't there it's not going to be, ime. You sound like you'll be kind and let him down gently. I hope he takes it well.