Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[LadyH846]

@WanderingLost167

So, I probably shouldn't be here, I'm a bit shell shocked. Relationship ended this morning, and while I know it was the right decision, I'm still in love with him. Torn between wanting to wait and hope things will change, or jump into dating.

Sorry to hear that WanderingLost167,

Just wanted to say, I'm in the same boat as you...I broke up with someone about 2 weeks ago and I'm back into online dating while still in love with someone else.

Apparently the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Lol. It has been true in the past, I hope it works this time. I've got a second date on Weds with someone nice. I'm hoping it takes my mind off things.

[crackofdoom]

Aw, sorry you're hurting WanderingLost and LadyH, it sucks. No worserer feeling

Re: the getting under someone else: can confirm . I was dumped by Mr Sparky just over a month ago and, after a bit of a Fab and Tinder binge -and feeling like I'd overdone it rather- the pain has definitely faded. It would have faded rather more if Mr Sparky wasn't STILL all over my Facebook, liking and commenting on everything and even trying to invite himself along to an event I shared. Bugger off mate, you are not my friend- I already have enough friends, who actually appreciate me, unlike you!

Mr BigCityBoy's coming to visit in the daytime on Wednesday, while the kids are at school. The joys of both being self employed.... The mutual attraction in this one is insane. Christ knows how it's going to pan out, at the moment I don't care!!

I've mostly given up on Tinder at the moment, but gratifyingly pretty much all the couples I was chatting to on Fab over the last year have broken up, and the male halves are all messaging me, so I'm content to just kick back and enjoy Nature's bounty right now.....

[cravingthelook]

We've all done the dating whilst being in love with someone else.

I've finally got to the point of Mr Swan not being the first and last thing I think of each day. Some nights I think of Mr Planner, who's WhatsApp chatting several times a week. It's nice, but today I made a cheeky arsey comment when he was being flirty and said do I know someone amazing he could hang out with (part of the banter) I said yes but you said you didn't want to date her.

I did have a great chat going on tinder but he's gone quiet so I'm not going to name him.

I'm still swiping but being picky and just unmatching anything not good for any reason

[crackofdoom]

cravingthelook Boom!

What was his reply to that ??

[Pinotgrigio33]

Hi...hope it's okay if I join you all?

I'm not quite ready to dip my toe in the water just yet. Just come out of a weird situation which isn't really worth explaining. Previously done OLD before him where I had to get the police involved due to harassment so I'm very wary.

I find most men I've met either lovebomb, incapable of conversations, or just plain stalker ish. I would like to meet someone normal but no idea where to start. Get chatting occasionally but the vanish...I hardly swipe on anyone anyway.

It's all such hard work.

[Rainydayss]

Welcome @pinot. I know what you mean about love bombing. They seem to either want a one nighter or want to move in my and park their slippers/cock. Somewhere mid way would be ideal!

[Rainydayss]

Welcome @pinot. I know what you mean about love bombing. They seem to either want a one nighter or want to move in my and park their slippers/cock. Somewhere mid way would be ideal!

[cravingthelook]

@crackofdoom his usual, he laughed and then changed the subject and asked about my lunch.
Most of the chat is light, with a little flirting.

Maybe he meant it when he said he liked me but just isn't ready.
I mean why the hell else would he be chatting several times a week? He also sent me a picture of him and his son after a day out on Saturday.
I expected him to try get a FB situation going and then I'd know he was playing me, but he hasn't. He's just light chatting. With a little light flirting.

@HairyArsedMan can you give your brilliant input on this one?

I like him, I like our chat, yes I'd rather date him but that's not happening, so whilst I'm searching the cesspool of OLD I'll chat to him as long as he's not a) disrespectful or b) trying to use me

@Rainydayss you proper made me chuckle there but yes, somewhere in between would be lovely

[Bunkbedpeople]

@Pinotgrigio33

I think overall that’s quite an accurate reflection of using the apps - but there are still some decent people there.

My theory is that the weirdos/people who need to love bomb will be the most active online so the chances of meeting one/getting caught up with one are quite high? Just be cool with blocking/detaching ASAP.

If you’ve just come out of an emotionally weird situation as well, I’d make sure you’re patient and cautious and don’t feel obliged to engage in anything you don’t feel comfortable with.

Ultimately everyone online is a stranger for some time, and I think there are some types who are good at sniffing out vulnerability/finding out information - they’ll play knight in shining armour for a while just to get something out of you.

and not all people are nice.

[Pinotgrigio33]

@Bunkbedpeople and others...thanks for the welcome.

Very good advice there , must remember- not all people are nice this is where I do go very wrong as I tend to see the positives.

[Rainydayss]

I quickly learnt the the importance of setting boundaries and making them known. I learnt this the hard way as I over invested in someone before we even met, then had first date and the red flags showed up, including him planning 'our' future.
The same man was already calling me randomly for chats before we'd even met and seemed offended why I didn't want to chat for hours. Ive also realised I give off 'too keen' signals and now I can't shake him off, so I also need to improve my assertive skills!
It's a steep learning curve...
However quite funny if you take a lot of it with a pinch of salt.

[HairyArsedMan]

@cravingthelook Did he say why he wasn’t ready ? I dated someone that I liked but she was very full on, even in early messaging. I told her I wasn’t ready but I didn’t say why because in truth she wasn’t doing anything horrible - she was just taking a interest in my life and putting herself into a very supportive role. I just felt I hadn’t earned that and that she needed to know me a lot more. It was a bit lovebomb-y and as a result I wasn’t sure about her. While I liked her, I didn’t want to be starting something I would perhaps have to back out off, knowing her sensitivity and knowing that it would hurt her. She’d talked about how badly she’d been treated by one guy in particular in an on-off thing, and I got the feeling she wasn’t quite out of those woods.

We still message once or twice a week and have a coffee and a.walk every now and then. This happens because I like her and I’ve got time for her, she’s a good person. It may well turn into a slow burn thing, though last time we talked she was still in communication with the guy that treated her badly.

So Mr Planner may have seen something that he felt he needed to protect himself from, or may have had some ambivalence that he felt you should not suffer from ? If you enjoy what’s happening, feel you can trust him, maybe suggest hanging out together (‘not a date’) when he’s next free and see how he responds.

[Jonsnowsghost]

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous as I'm a bit down I didn't hear from my iron yesterday...which rule is the one about not being over invested as I need it drumming into me!!
I'm not good at this whole dating/talking thing, I don't like talking to multiple people at the same time. I think I need to start doing this more!

[Onesmallstep67]

@Jonsnowsghost, how long have you been chatting? I think you said the other day that he can take ages to reply. I know that some people are not keen on chatting to too many at one time but with the drop off rate in OLD comms then I think it's always best to have a couple ongoing so that you don't become over invested. Why don't you send him a message and see what response you get ? If he's still not in touch later then you can shift him over into the pending pile !

[Jonsnowsghost]

About a week, he does take ages to reply but I normally get a couple of responses in the day, maybe more in the evening. Just surprised that there was nothing yesterday, especially as it seemed like he was putting an effort in with replies etc. I know people are busy though! I think I'll leave it a while then maybe send him a message. But until then I'll do some more swiping and get some more convos started. I feel a bit silly about it all!

[cravingthelook]

Thanks @HairyArsedMan

I'll see if he messages again this week and if so I'll see if he wants to do something

[Jonsnowsghost]

Oh he's just messaged saying sorry he didn't message yesterday 😅 I'm an idiot I'm so impatient.

[Onesmallstep67]

@Jonsnowsghost, glad to hear that he's been in touch. I don't think not hearing from him for a day and then wondering where he is is impatient. I'm sure it'll find its own pace.

@crackofdoom, did you and MrBigcityboy get away in your campervans last weekend ? Seems like he's keen to spend some time with you.

@Dancerinthemoonlight, glad to hear that you are having a lovely break. Such a positive post yesterday.

[crackofdoom]

onesmallstep No, my ex had to self isolate with "mild COVID symptoms", so I had to have the kids. He's since tested negative . MrBigCityBoy is coming over tomorrow.

Interesting food for thought about keeping old irons as friends, cravingthelook and hairyarsedman. Personally, I don't like doing that. I fear that these irons like to stay in touch for a nice bit of ego stroking, and that they're counting on us being there when they're feeling a bit lonely and have no one to turn to, knowing that we'll be at their beck and call because we're secretly hoping they'll be ready for a relationship with us on some mythical day in the future. I'd rather divert my energies to staying in touch with either genuine romantic prospects, or with genuine friends.

(disclaimer: am a mardy cow. I also have PMT, which is greatly amplifying that mardiness today).

[LadyH846]

@crackofdoom

onesmallstep No, my ex had to self isolate with "mild COVID symptoms", so I had to have the kids. He's since tested negative . MrBigCityBoy is coming over tomorrow.

Interesting food for thought about keeping old irons as friends, cravingthelook and hairyarsedman. Personally, I don't like doing that. I fear that these irons like to stay in touch for a nice bit of ego stroking, and that they're counting on us being there when they're feeling a bit lonely and have no one to turn to, knowing that we'll be at their beck and call because we're secretly hoping they'll be ready for a relationship with us on some mythical day in the future. I'd rather divert my energies to staying in touch with either genuine romantic prospects, or with genuine friends.

(disclaimer: am a mardy cow. I also have PMT, which is greatly amplifying that mardiness today).

I don't think that is mardy, it sounds like having good boundaries to me

[WanderingLost167]

So, I have a date for Thursday. My ex and I had broken up in June, and I'd jumped on POF then (more to annoy him and to make him realise what he was missing, it worked), and I had spoken to this guy then.

He got back in touch and is cuter than I remember, and has an easy way about him when we chat. Phone call tomorrow and then a picnic on Thursday evening. Apparently his last two dates have said he's lovely but not currently ready for a long term serious relationship - sounds perfect to me. I'll call him Mr Comebackkid

Honestly I have no idea what could happen with the ex, either nothing or everything, so having fun and taking it slow is what I'm after.

[WanderingLost167]

@LadyH846 sorry you are in the same place as me. This sucks, I knew it was coming at some point, but going no contact is horrible when someone has been in your life every day for so long.

I'm trying to move on, trying not to think about him. Failing badly.

[HairyArsedMan]

@crackofdoom I'm going to call mardy on you but let's not fall out - please This friendship I was talking about is not for ego stroking at all - it was precisely all the undeserved ego stroking that put me off. Now that agenda is gone, it's much easier to relate to each other.

I can see your comments may have been addressing @cravingthelook's situation and that is something she will have to look at very carefully-whether the guy is indeed cynically keeping her dangling. But she said he seems trustworthy and is sharing with her, so who knows at this point. If there's something enduring taking root, she can remain open to that and open to other things too.

I know from my dating experiences. that first dates are often not the greatest predictor of future success. For one it's very easy for someone to be very good at first dates, a kind of show pony if you like, and later that falls away and reveals not much behind it at all. All part of what makes it a fun adventure, you may argue, except it isn't judging from some of the posts on here. A genuine friendship emerging from dates undertaken in good faith is not something I would turn my nose up at.

[cravingthelook]

@HairyArsedMan thanks. I'm feeling at the moment I'm
Not ready to push this away, but instead tread carefully. I love the way you think, and now I'm much more settled with who I am I'm also thinking like you. I'd defo be your friend 😃

It's interesting to have different views: my best friend says lock him and move on, @Dancerinthemoonlight thinks wait and see but tread lightly
My counsellor (I'm in therapy thanks to my physically abusive fiancé (never dealt with) and controlling exH) thinks I should enjoy the potential friendship whilst protecting myself.

I have made a genuine friend through dating, he was my first ever POF match 14 months ago. We chat on the phone often. See each other sometimes, as impacted by COVID. We are straight up with each other, I'm the only ex date he's ever stayed friends with. He doesn't want what I want in life but I have an open offer to sex if I want it. We laugh so much. So I know genuine friendship can come out of it. He will be my Mr Treacle.

But I have chosen I will tread lightly with Mr Planner I don't know him enough yet. I'd like to date him, I've been honest with him about that, but happy to be friends if he genuinely isn't ready to date now. If I happen to be single in future and we decide to date great, but I'm not waiting for him.

I'm still swiping, my new lovely match was quiet for a couple of days but he was busy with work. I'll call him Mr Charity. Hoping to meet at weekend.

[Jonsnowsghost]

After all my moaning earlier he's now asked about going on a date