Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@Notcoolmum he got unmatched when he said I'm being un-realistic by saying "I'm looking to date and see where it goes. At the end of the day I want a relationship. I'm not into hookups or casual sex or fwb" Apparently you can't plan for a relationship, you should just start with casual and see if it turns into one.

He is a misogynistic twat that evidently wants everything is his life to go his way and refuses to see or consider anyone elses point of view.

[Notcoolmum]

@SortingItOut his ex moved away so doing 50:50 wouldn't be feasible. She's also stopped inviting him to school events now she has a new partner and child. But he hasn't arranged with the school for him to be kept informed. He pays maintenance. Sees DC regularly. It's just seems minimal and he doesn't appear to see it. Being a good parent is very important to me as my ex has no contact with mine.

Well done @Dancerinthemoonlight you are really kicking these idiots to touch.

[unambiguousbeard]

@Dancerinthemoonlight he does sound like a twat. And wrong, there are women who just want sex or casual. I do think he's right however in saying you can't start off deciding it's a relationship. Initially you're just getting to know someone and that includes sexually. You can't know or decide that you want a LTR with someone. It should happen organically. However you can say that is what you're looking for. I'm now looking for a relationship but I wouldn't expect that from everyone I have sex with (if I ever do) It's my eventual aim but I assume that along the way there will be people who don't work out. With Mr U I never expected a relationship but we're still here 18 months later in done kind of relationship.

@Notcoolmum I'm really sorry to hear that. I think that's the case for a lot of men. I can't remember if he's involved with your kids yet or not. I'd be really sad to hear a thread relationship has broken down esp as it's been a gradual thing. I wonder how @crustaceans is getting on. She must have had the baby by now!

I have a coffee date later this week with a man my age. Hard to tell what he looks like from photos but he has a beard. I don't have any expectations but it's a start. Only on hinge currently, when I get to the end I may start tinder again.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I am a hopeful Channel relayer. The swim would be no problem it's the thought of sitting on a tiny choppy boat for 20 hours.

[Onesmallstep67]

@Notcoolmum, I am trying to recall the last wobble you had over Mr B a few weeks ago - ? I have no doubt that you know your feelings, you always offer such strong and thoughtful advice on here. For me it's about things balancing out. Not having lived with a man for nearly 7 years and having had sole responsibility for my DDs and life choices I know that I struggle with factoring in someone else's choices. That is off topic as such because what you are flagging up is him outside of his time with you and not how his behaviour impacts when together.
@LivingMyBestLife2020, I'm not impressed with Mr T after you have given him so many opportunities to shape up. What a shame that he can't see what he's doing. Good on you for taking the initiative. I have no worries that you will re emerge stronger and confident that going forward you did the right thing.
@Dancerinthemoonlight, don't waste your time with chats with misogynists. Tell him to do one. I bloody loathe guys like that.
@cravingthelook, great update about yesterday's date. Personally I think you should walk away from Mr Swan. Probably not feasible given that you work together but it reads like he's playing his own games with you. And I know you will find it impossible to break the ties but until you do you won't ever be truly free to move on. And for those of you who know ( or care ) Mr Cocky no longer has the same hold on my heart or emotions. The time is coming soon when I will wish him well and mean it. I need to do it on my terms and not wait for yet another incident that hurts me.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@Notcoolmum I evidently insulted his precious ego by having an opinion and refusing to agree with him.
I feel like taking some unflattering pictures and putting them up rather than using ones where I look my best. Even then I would probably get idiots trying "pull a pig" Apparently it's a new thing where men try and get a not so great looking woman to believe that they are into them, fuck them and then chuck them. Like it is some sort of laddish cultural symbol.
I'd say this is why I tend to date men older than me but the idiot is 33.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@unambiguousbeard I'm not looking to jump into a relationship unless it is with the right man, I'm looking for Mr Right not Mr Right Now. At the same point in time there is nothing wrong with being upfront that ultimately I want a relationship and I want to settle down with the right man.
I have decided that it is best for me and my own mental health that I'm not going to have sex with a man if I don't see the potential of a relationship, fine it might not work out that way but I know myself and I can't be having sex with multiple men or if I'm not interested in building something with them anymore.

I know that not everyone on the thread is going to agree with my decision but ultimately I have to be happy with what I decide to do and how I approach dating. If it means a man isn't going to want to date me because I'm not willing to jump into bed with his quickly then he isn't the right man for me because the right man would be willing to go at my pace and it would feel natural.

[Ruralbliss]

I had a nice experience last night with a first phone date (or voice communication screening as I like to think of it)

Not only was the new iron (to be named Mr Dub I think) interesting, chatty, asked questions, passionate about his field of work and had lovely deep voice but at the end he invited me to (a) a virtual date which he'd thought about and planned - a remote simultaneous watching of a music documentary plus (b) a socially distanced physical date in a couple of weeks time to a monkey place I'd never heard of - love monkeys!

I was very impressed by his forethought and said he was winning the prize for best ever first date suggestions. And he replied 'Well you seem like a woman worth impressing...'. Smooth but appreciated.

Nice.

First date with Mr Jazz tonight after a week of round the clock text exchanges and a 2.5 phone date. I'm expecting not to fancy him. Seems a bit too pedestrian and tame for me but maybe that's where I've been going wrong all these years.

[unambiguousbeard]

Yes I see what you mean @Dancerinthemoonlight
And it does actually happen like that as evidenced by this thread, people do meet and know immediately. Also I'm older than you and so my idea of Mr Right is different to yours. I'm from the pre OLD generation where people fell into LTR as there was less choice. Stating what you want from the outset is clear but I think sometimes men aren't as clear or as aware about what they want.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@unambiguousbeard I know that I'm at a different stage in my life to pretty much everyone on the thread. Im younger and I have never been married or had children so I'm in that stage of my life and hopefully it will happen for me

[cravingthelook]

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 you are right. I made a mental switch yesterday to start sharing less with him. I've not answered his text this morning.

I agree with @Dancerinthemoonlight if a guy isn't at least looking /open to be in a potential relationship there's no point in sleeping with him. There is younger guys out there that want relationships, they are just a little rare 😁

Mr Planner is being attentive on the WhatsApp chat this morning but he's off work so can and I have just playfully told him to bugger off and let me work.

[crackofdoom]

ruralbliss Mr Dub sounds lovely- I love it when men arrange nice interesting dates!

Chatting to about 5 interesting sounding men on Tinder, and I'm having a date with one in a couple of hours. I've had to cancel a Fab hookup for tomorrow night because my period's arrived, and he doesn't seem enthusiastic about rescheduling, so we'll see..... Trying to date the hurt away, but I still wake up in the mornings with that "kicked in the stomach" feeling :(.

What does everyone think about dating men without kids, if you have kids? Every single one of these blokes I'm chatting to on Tinder at the moment is childless! All of the ones I've brought it up with say it's fine....hmmm, is it now?? I suppose at least they'd be more flexible to fit around MY schedule!

[Notcoolmum]

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 giving other people advice is always so much harder than seeing things clearly in your own emotionally tangled life. The last wobble was based on something similar. I don't want him to parent my kids. They don't need that at this stage in their lives. But having a shared value system is important to me. I can't fault how he is with me. He's in touch regularly. Wants to see me. Does things to help me out. I feel loved and cared for. Something I've wanted for so long. Am I sabotaging? I don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Dancerinthemoonlight I would take the same approach if I ended up back dating. I might sleep with someone if I wanted to. But generally I'd like to wait now until I'm clearer on what the potential is before having sex.

[SortingItOut]

@Notcoolmum
What is your long term plan with Mr B?
Are you planning to live together eventually or will it be a relationship where you dont?

Is he happy with the contact he has with his children?
Does he mind not knowing whats going on with his kids at school or does he chat to them on his weekends about school?

I'm not sure many men would think to ask the school for seperate correspondence about their children.

Is it self sabotage really if a niggle wont go away?
It clearly bothers you and its going to keep bothering you unless you speak to him about it

[Onesmallstep67]

I'm going to suggest something here which may get shot down but do you think we are looking for too much in some of these men ? I have felt empowered by some of the really top notch advice and opinions shared on here. They have helped me to look at my RS needs and expectations and hearing other people's situations helps you to set your own boundaries etc. But I do sometimes wonder whether we are looking for perfection. I'm not talking about accepting rubbish, inconsiderate behaviour or dropping standards so that being with someone is better than being with no one , but rather just accepting that everyone has flaws, quirks, residual behaviour from previous experiences. I guess it's how they manage those traits that should be the standard by which which judge them. And maybe we are worried about past mistakes/misjudgements being repeated so the expectations get higher each time ?

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@Onesmallstep67 thats a good point to raise. I wouldn't say I'm looking for perfection because I'm not perfect so why should they be. It's more of a knowing their imperfections and if you can live with them.
I have 3 things that are complete deal breakers for me and things I'm more flexible on that I could live with if the right man that I had that connection/spark with didn't have.

[SortingItOut]

@Onesmallstep67
Why would you be shot down, everyone is entitled to an opinion.

I'm not looking for perfection but i am looking for someone pretty prefect - someone who can meet all my needs and can fit in with my life.

I dont think that is too much to expect from someone, obviously there is some give and take but why would i waste time on someone who isnt what i want?

Yes i accept quirks and flaws but not at any detriment to me.

I've been accepting of too many flaws for years and i dont plan to do it again.

[SortingItOut]

Just to clarify that obviously I'm not currently looking and i wasn't previously when i fell into my current relationship but he is pretty much everything i want and need in a man, if he wasnt he would have stayed as an FB and not become my boyfriend.

Although we aren't planning on living together ever (or maybe 20 years time) or merging lives at the moment so maybe my requirements are different to those who wany marriage and children.

[Ruralbliss]

@Dancerinthemoonlight Kind & loving, non-mental/narcissistic, attractive (to you), solvent, similar intelligence, political/ethics?

Those are my deal breakers. Plus having a car & being good at text (not day-long lags) and conversation (not monologue/no question asking)

Matched with a gorgeous looking guy yesterday. He's already annoying me by taking 24 hours to respond.

[Notcoolmum]

@SortingItOut we would like to live together eventually but it would need to be in at least 3 years when my youngest goes to uni. I think he's happy with the status quo. He thinks he does his bit. And I don't doubt he loves his DC. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be there for parents eve (or arrange a different parent teacher consultation) go to sports days, school plays etc. It's like because he isn't invited it's not his business?!

I do wonder if I'm looking for perfection. I'm also scared I overlook incompatibilities. I'm a contradiction!!

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

@ruralbliss no one should be with someone who isn't kind and loving that is a given for any relationship.
My deal breakers are more specific to me such as being a non smoker and not a heavy drinker, owning a car/willing to use public transport, living within his means and being punctual both on time for dates and with responses to texts. Of course things happen that mean they might be unavoidably late but its when it gets to be a pattern that is the problem.

The things I'm flexible on is having the same political views because I don't voice my opinions and as long as you aren't trying to force your views on me. Same as same education background; I have dated men with multiple degrees and some with none, it didn't make a difference if they had things they were interested in and were knowledgeable about them.

I have the ideal version of a man but I also know that I might not have that connection with that ideal. I think its good to have things that are an absolute no and things that for the right man are more flexible.

[supercali77]

@Dancerinthemoonlight tbh I think if you want a relationship its the way to go. I did the same this time. No sex unless I thought there was potential. No immediate sex anyway. If they can't wait a short while ... not worth it.

[supercali77]

Also I think, mindset is huge. And its worth making the point directly. Im looking for a relationship etc. I think at the very least a person can tell early on is whether or not they would be interested in pursuing something more than just casual sex with you

[SortingItOut]

@Notcoolmum
I think when the father of your children disappears without another thought it does affect how you then view men with children.

I dont know if you're incompatible or whether you just see children in your lives differently.

If he is happy with the status quo and so are his children does it matter what he does?

Clearly if you live together it will impact you and i can imagine it would annoy you even more as its more obvious.

How old are his children?

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?
How did you get past the last niggle on the same subject?

Personally i hadnt thought about a man having loads of contact with his children as a criteria of mine but now that i have met a man who has loads of contact with his I can see how important it is to me so would definitely go on my criteria list now.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Thanks everyone. He did text again and say he was shocked I’d ended it and that’s why the message was blunt. He said he won’t fight for me as I’ve made it clear he isn’t enough and he can’t give me what I want. Not a single hint of any sadness on his part, not one shred of niceness towards me either. I think he is actually dead inside 😂

I’m feeling sad but I’m fine. Been to work for a bit and just been to look at a gym to join, so I’m keeping busy. I know I can do better than Mr T.

Quick note on the ex, he won’t even be on a date, he’ll just be trying (and failing) to wind me up 🙄

[SortingItOut]

@LivingMyBestLife2020
It makes you wonder how he will ever meet someone if he is so closed.
I forgot if you have mentioned if he has had bad relationship experiences before?

I used to joke that i was dead inside because in my marriage i hardened my heart but in reality I'm not as dead as i thought and i just needed to meet the right person.

God, your ex is a knob!!!
And the only person affected is the children. 1st class twit!!