Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[frocksmock]

@Bunkbedpeople he'd just better not utter the word "grubbles" in real life! I think I've discovered a new deal breaker

[supercali77]

Didn't want to jinx myself but....I've met someone. Been talking a while. Met at lunch and spent all day and evening together. Haven't slept together, i told him i wanted to take it slow on that score and he agreed. Im excited. Naturally cautious. In our 40s. It might not work out but i like him a lot. Very different to my usual type. He likes me. It feels radically different to all the others. Wish me luck friends!

[supercali77]

re my plan for bljnd date. It didn't go quite as swimmingly as 'me being cilla black'. But all parties were cool, and just couldn't do a meet that night, and we are now all in a group chat talking about similar interests. Im off the market seeing where things go with the other man

[Ruralbliss]

Advice request for those of you who answered the 'How to not over invest so early?' with the recommendation of dating several irons at once what are the logistics of this?

I'm not a liar so presumably on early dates if they ask are you chatting to or meeting other men you just say 'Yes I am'?

Is that how it works? I think I would feel a bit cheaty confessing they weren't my one and only textual chat partner.

Are there any good ways of handling this.
It goes against the grain for me but I really want to avoid falling for someone on the basis of one or two dates like I have every single time - then later feel surprised that they reveal themselves to be nasty/mad/losers.

[frocksmock]

@supercali77 that's so exciting!

[Ruralbliss]

Ooooooo @supercali77 Good update! Glad you are having ace time.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The date with Mr Doctor was okay, nothing spectacular but then not bad. He hadn't booked anywhere so we found somewhere to eat and then went for a drink at a bar. He mainly talked about work stuff. Although at times I felt he was being a bit showy with money like saying he is saving to buy a house before the freeze on stamp duty ends and the house will be between £450,000 and £500,000 then saying how much he paid for his car. A bit unattractive to me. I'm not sure if I'd have found him more attractive if his beard have been more groomed and closer shaved, I don't think he would suit no facial hair but a closer shaved. I was wearing heels so the height difference was noticeable but I don't think it would have been as bad in flats.
Had a hug and a peck at the car before saying bye. We didn't exchange numbers so still on tinder. Sent him an it was nice meeting you hope you got home safely message so we will see.
I think it would be worth a second date just to see if there is anything. He usually dates older than him and I'm a year younger.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

Well we have now exchanged numbers. He has been a little suggestive with saying he had my lipstick on him but he didn't mind and I could have left more marks. He then got a bit weird and said the parking cameras missed out on some good footage. I ignored the message and he changed the topic of conversation. I will see if anything is there and as it wasn't a bad date it's worth exploring. I'm keeping my boundaries in mind and see if he tries to rush things sexually.

[unambiguousbeard]

@supercali77 squeeee I think is the correct terminology in such cases. I so hope you've finally hit the jackpot.

[Eesha]

@Ruralbliss yes I'd probably say the same, that I'm fine with multi chatting if that were the case. I always thought people assumed everyone was doing it. Personally though, I never really managed it well as I could never find many I was actually that interested in.

[Eesha]

@supercali77 i hope this one is a goodie!

[Notcoolmum]

Hmm @Dancerinthemoonlight those are weird things to say after a little kiss. Be alert! Surprised he has money and time as a newly qualified doctor. Wages generally aren't that great until they get to consultant and they usually have to work like ifs to get there.

@supercali77 utterly delighted for you. Beyond delighted. You deserve this!

[Ruralbliss]

I have a couple of first phone dates lined up today with new irons I will be calling Mr Welsh & Mr Dub.

Tomorrow I meet a guy who has been very prolific on the text and had a 2.5 hour phone date with I'm calling Mr Jazz.
He's been asking how many people I've had dates with since my last romance ended in June. I've said just one with Mr Polymath now The Phantom but actually it's been three in total. The other two were totally rubbish so I've blanked them from my mind. It's ok to bend the numbers a bit isn't it.

I'm going to be upfront if anyone asks that due to previous bad experience I will not be putting all my romantic eggs in any one basket until several successful dates have taken place, no red flags have appeared, no ghosting too.

Personally I don't think I could be exclusive with someone until we'd slept together and checked out the bedroom compatibility.
Is this awful?

[NoBloodyFighting]

Just checking in to add to the excitement for supercali hope you've found a winner!
Dancer glad you had an okay date. I'd be wary of those messages and keep an eye on it but I wonder too if you're perhaps a little hypersensitive to the sexual stuff given your new boundaries. I suppose it all depends on your flirting style though! Money talk puts me right off but I try to be a little more lenient on first dates just because nerves can manifest themselves in strange ways.

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

It could have just been first date nerves but I am aware of the honing in on sex after one peck and hug at at the end. I have another date on Wednesday evening with him but he has already said feel free to wear red lipstick again as its a huge turn on for him. @cravingthelook re named him The Dodgy Doctor last night as we were on a video call when the messages came through. From not really touching all night and only a peck and hug at the end to saying I could eave more marks and that red lipstick is a turn on for him was a bit gross. I wasn't flirting that much with him or being touchy feely as I wasn't that attracted to him in person.
I was in a long term relationship a few years ago with a junior doctor who I hardly ever got to see because of the hours he was working so he can't pull the wool over my eyes with shift patterns and wages.
At the bar the waiter and another guy who looked to be on a date were so hot; I had my head turned a little. I'm going into the next date with my eyes wide open to the slight red flag forming. It might be a good thing that I'm not that attracted to him because I will be able to get past a second date without having sex with him and be able to break that habit.

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

Morning all. I’ve taken all your comments on board about Mr T. I’m still going to see him but on a more casual basis. I’ve gone back on hinge and it’s slim pickings. Does anybody know how the algorithms work? One day I get all tall people, then all short, then all those not wanting kids, all long hair. Is it just coincidence?

Only been chatting minimally to one guy, I doubt he’ll go anywhere but let’s pencil him in as Mr CrossCountry.

I won’t be telling Mr T I’m chatting to others. Seems a bit shitty after I told him I wasn’t but if he can’t be forthcoming with what he wants, I don’t see any harm. We’ve never said we are exclusive. I’d consider a first date with somebody as ok but if I wanted a second I’d talk to Mr T. It just feels wrong to me but if it keeps my mind occupied I might not stress about Mr T. I doubt I’ll meet anybody unless they set my world on fire.

Saying all this, I’m getting very minimal bites on Hinge. I can only imagine it’s because I have a toddler. I never struggled in the past. I don’t want to set up any new profiles yet, not whilst seeing Mr T.

Anyway, have a great day. I’m off to do some baking as I have an abundance of berries to make use of.

[supercali77]

Shucks. Thanks everyone. I've been on this thread a long arse time. And I've been in some humdinger situations. With dubious men. One thing that's patently obvious to me is how I chose emotionally distant men because it let me off the hook. And I ran away as soon as someone was genuinely interested. Took a long break and I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle now. Im excited, but I will confess i woke up this morning with nerves. There's a part of me thats grown ruggedly independant. I can't stand control. This man, call him Mr architect, has so far given no signs of being controlling, the thing is letting someone in and knowing once you do that there are emotional responsibilities on all sides. Basically 'I do whatever the fuck I like' is put to bed a little. You can't act like that in a healthy relationship. It's an internal battle with myself, nothing to do with him. If anyones got any advice on that im all ears

[unambiguousbeard]

@supercali77 that's why it's such a delight to see you've met someone. I feel like I've been OLD forever and no longer think I'll meet anyone. But you're giving me hope it does happen!

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don't understand why you're going on a second date. You don't fancy him, he creeped you out, you didn't like the money comments... you're clearly not interested in him so why bother? You seem to have plenty of interest.

I'm so jaded I can't post. I'm on/off hinge/tinder. I manage about two weeks before deleting the apps in irritation and depression. I can't find anyone I'm interested in, ever! For those who've been around a while I'm now FWB with Mr U. It works really well but I'd like to have sex with someone else. It's been 18 months! And I'd quite like a BF now. I think I'm too closed off though. Or too picky.

[Uptheshard]

Great new thread ! I met a guy on bumble the week before lockdown.. first date in a supermarket carpark.. he is 12 years older but my god desire like I've never known..blew me away. Held off sex for 2 months ..then jesus I've never had such good shagging! Remembering all the rules...as In midst of messy divorce. Let's call him mr army.
Never imagined to meet anyone special onbumble. Then boom it happened!

[SortingItOut]

@supercali77
How exciting about Mr Architect.

I'll be interested in the replies about going from free and single to a relationship, I'm 11 mths in with Mr K but only 2.5 months officially exclusive (although we've been exclusive for 9 months without realising), it took me at least 6 weeks to stop the anxiety and nerves around 'what the hell am i doing' because as you say you do have to let them in a bit and thats really tough at the start.

I spoke to Mr K about how i was feeling and i felt so much better (but stewed for 6 weeks before i spoke to him) as he totally understands my history and has a similar one and actually being exclusive has changed nothing about us except when old irons message i tell them I'm seeing someone!!

[TwentyViginti]

Occasional lurker here! I second unambiguousbeard with her comment.....

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don't understand why you're going on a second date. You don't fancy him, he creeped you out, you didn't like the money comments... you're clearly not interested in him so why bother? You seem to have plenty of interest.

I can't understand why you want a second date?

[cravingthelook]

Mr Swan is true to form, I swear he's an emotional wave and I'm a rock on the beach getting overwhelmed and battered then left cold as the wave retreats. I'm moving up to the sand dunes today.
There's only 1 time to see him in the next 2 weeks and that's probably a good thing.

I have a date... in 90 minutes so I best go get ready. Not sure if I will fancy him, but it was so easy... no messing about. Matched last night, chatted, planned brunch (now lunch due to table availability) no messing. He's straight forward, messages are nice but not dodgy. Let's see, I don't know a lot about him so I'll name him after the date. I'll keep you posted.

[SortingItOut]

@cravingthelook
I know we dont talk about Mr Swan but all these days/evenings you are together, does the woman he is dating know?

I know you have history and a connection but honestly i dont know why you put yourself through these ups and downs, i know adrenalin rushes are addictive but you cant go on forever like this.

Good luck with your date

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

It could have been first date nerve talking about money to weed out women who are only interested in money. I know in the past I have been too quick to discount an iron on which could have been first date nerves. I see it as also breaking the pattern I have gotten into which is having sex on the second date.
With my updated profile I'm actually not getting that much interest and those that are interested don't appeal to me

[unambiguousbeard]

@Dancerinthemoonlight maybe you should change your profile back to the previous one! Doesn't sound like a great change to me. I know you want to attract different kinds of men but surely you want to attract some, and done you fancy!