Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Having said that @Jonsnowsghost he's just unmatched me. 🤣 It's all about communication styles. Perhaps we should swap irons!

Oh no! Funny because I've just got a message from mine finally 😅 I'm going to leave it a few hours before replying....

@unambiguousbeard worms sexyyy

Had a coffee date yesterday with a guy who was patchy with the messaging on pof- he said he was hardly on which is a good sign as most of the others I am messaging show online all the time.
Anyway he was a lovely guy, funny, engaging, totally interested in me, open ...waiting for the flaws to show 🙈 He asked at the end could he see me again and phoned last night. He’s definitely keen but in an open kind of way. Like @Rainydayss I start running scared when they seem into me and actually nice ...so I’m taking it one date at a time as I want to see him again. I’ll come up with a name.
Typically I was also messaging a guy Friday night who seems just my type of humour and chats -we were watching the same show and having a laugh doing a running commentary. He hasn’t indicated that he wants to meet though but he’s still sending the odd message. I struggle with the idea of multi dating but I got so badly burned by Mr Blueeyes because I let myself get too invested -I need to save myself from that again!

[quote unambiguousbeard]**@LadyH846* Welcome to Bumble. That's why I never use it; @tigerdater* summed it up well. You're just feeding men's egos. They match, you have to make an effort to talk first so you're showing interest. Ego rubbed, they don't have to anything apart from swipe right in everyone.

@Jonsnowsghost I take hours to reply. Doesn't mean I'm not interested I'm just doing stuff. Even when I'm not replying to or checking messages from someone I haven't yet met isn't priority. There's a guy messaging me at the moment and it's so clear he's got sod all else to do and us waiting for my replies. Gives me the creeps. Subs out, do something mate!

@crackofdoom I think asked if I'm ASD. No idea but DD is and I'm a bit odd. Direct, don't really get a lot of stuff. Terrible terrible mental health problems/addictions/social anxiety throughout 20s/30s. Perfectly happy to be on my own all the time, used to make a lot of faux pas got better at that. No filter. Sounds like it, doesn't it? 🤣

Still struggling to fancy anyone. Male best friend messaged at 4 am to tell me how hot I looked the other day. Then messsged at 9 to say he's got worms. I mean even if I was considering it (been there, done that, not going back) I wouldn't now, would I? 🤣[/quote]
unambiguousbeard - I think you're right about Bumble! I already paid for a 3 month membership so may as well use it, but I'm definitely not going to renew.

Well a friend of mine set up a profile for me after a few glasses of wine despite me saying I wasn’t at least until the end of the year.
I already hate online dating.
I just don’t get all the matches and then no effort. I’m already thinking of just coming off it- unless anyone has any good tricks to make it a little less dire!

Sorry @Awholenewlife123 it is exactly that. My truck is to not take it seriously, not treat a date as a date but an evening with someone new and interesting, that way there's less disappointment. Although the men all seem to treat is as a date

@Awholenewlife123

I agree, treat it as a tool for meeting new people - unless you're 24 and on a sugar daddy site the dynamic isn't so much men pursuing\impressing you as getting to the chatting stage and setting up a meet, then "normal" dynamics take over

If you're just getting to grips with it , just have in your head the level of communication you're comfortable with and what you want and be honest - explain you're new to the apps and there to meet new people for a coffee\drink and don't negotiate or feel you have to flirt or do anything you're Not comfortable with.

. I think some pps have said hinge is quite a "gentle \serious\respectful " app if you want more formal connections. They limit matches to one a day so I imagine the guys put more effort in?

Not sure a female friend writing your profile is the best option? I know some people on this thread are doing profile reviews for each other. I've found most men go by the photos mainly (a few flattering selfies are fine ) then just one or two lines possibly sparking a conversation. I feel it's actually a bit dated having long winded "what I'm looking for " profiles now. I mean you get to exchange details when chatting initially ?

Also I think any mention of "my friend wrote this profile " or " I've been advised to do this by a friend" or " in only doing this as my friend says i should" will stop people messaging you. I wouldn't want to feel I had to make a huge effort to convince someone to want to meet up!

Good luck

Thanks. I appreciate all of the advice and agree totally with what you are saying.

I think maybe I’ll come off again for a while until I feel more ready for the reality of it
This thread is invaluable so will keep up with it and get some great tips from everyone

I had two hours spare today so messaged Mr Portugal on fb ( still haven't given him my number as I find it too intrusive.All that texting and waiting for texts really messes with my head.i know,I'm just weird 🤷‍♀️) so we had a sort of second date. Even though I had said let's just be friends,its still a sort of date. All the pressure had gone and we had a great time looking for plants in homebase.
I think because he really likes me and I'm not sure,so I dont want to lead him on.im so bloody conciencious and dont want to hurt anyone.
He is nine years younger and really sweet. Not sure about the fact he shaves all his body hair and I'm lucky if I get a razor to my armpits once a week. Kept trying to work out if I could kiss him and to look at his mouth but he was in a mask 😄
Had five chats on tinder and everyone seems respectful and nice so far.

Not sure if it's because I'm on a tablet but I cant write a profile on tinder. I've googled,asked tinder and all it says is press the pencil icon thing.but there isnt one??? I didnt want to be one of those with just a pic as they dont look very serious so I managed to write one in one where you are meant to put a pic!!

My son has an asd diagnosis and the more I think about it,I am sure I am on the spectrum. People have always said they like my quirkiness . If anyone has a clue about using tablets on tinder ( I still dont have a proper phone,just a basic one) please let me know

My new iron messaged to see if I wanted to meet for a chat today so we had a lovely walk in the sunshine and a few nice kisses. He is lovely and we had a good chat and a laugh and I was left wanting more from the kissing so all good
Due to work for both of us and childcare for me we probably won’t see each other for more than a week so this will be a test of his patience:) he’s seems to be into me so time will tell😊 I think I’ll call him Mr CarMad:)

I started talking to an iron on tinder last night then this morning when he asked what I was doing I said running on the beach, next thing he said he’d meet me there. So on a three mile stretch of sand I managed to find him despite him not having a profile photo. Unfortunately I was in running kit and a bit red faced and sweaty by then. We had coffee and I haven’t heard from him since.
I think I need to decide on a good first date location and strategy and stick to it. Spontaneity is not going to work out well for me.
Got another first date lined up on Tuesday.

Just a very silly question please, when you first start ‘dating’ how often would you expect to see someone? I’ve just started OLD and really nervous at just how impatient men seem to be for prompt replies to messages and just seem to be constantly online...

@Kazziepooes

Just a very silly question please, when you first start ‘dating’ how often would you expect to see someone? I’ve just started OLD and really nervous at just how impatient men seem to be for prompt replies to messages and just seem to be constantly online...

There is no 'normal' really but for my situation I would say once or twice per week in the initial stages.

@LadyH846

That would would red flag to me and i would unmatch swiftly if someone was getting impatient with me and seemed to online all the time

@Kazziepooes

Just a very silly question please, when you first start ‘dating’ how often would you expect to see someone? I’ve just started OLD and really nervous at just how impatient men seem to be for prompt replies to messages and just seem to be constantly online...

If they are making you feel nervous they are not the one. Unmatch and chat to someone who is happy to go at your pace. The rule is that you do what you want at the speed you are happy with. No pressure.

Thank you very much for your input here; it’s much appreciated. I think, what’s happened is I’ve mentioned I’m not available and then get subjected to passive aggressive behaviour or men behaving like they have literally got to see me immediately or they will move on.
Appreciate the sensible views x

Yes I’m with @Decentsalnotime and @Wasail

The guys who are quite anxious and pushy and difficult and last minute about meeting (and make you anxious as well by default) tend to be PITAs long term

even if the first meet DOES go well and they’re attractive and you have chemistry, they often are a bit emotionally and socially unbalanced

They’re not sending fifty messages because they’re keen on you, they’re sending fifty messages because they’re desperate or have a weird schedule or are just generally difficult, disorganised people who overbook their social life.

I think mutual polite consideration and a low key meet that you can just “stick in the diary and not worry about anything apart from outfit” is a good standard to aim for.

@Kazziepooes I don't know if you're a people pleaser like I am, but you soon learn in OLD to have firm boundaries. If you think someone's being pushy and you don't like it, move on.

Thank you for thoughts re Mr Political's drama queen daughter. She's now pronounced herself satisfied with what she knows of me and has given her dad permission to date I'm not happy with the dynamic or the drama, but I do accept some of the reasons I've been given, and I like Mr P an awful lot, so I'm proceeding with caution and you may all say I told you so if this comes back to bite me!

So, I probably shouldn't be here, I'm a bit shell shocked. Relationship ended this morning, and while I know it was the right decision, I'm still in love with him. Torn between wanting to wait and hope things will change, or jump into dating.

@frocksmock do you really want this drama in your life? You need to be hugely tolerant to deal with such things and have a very strong relationship.

It's interesting what you say @cheerup about the looking for an intelligent woman thing. It's always bothered me writing that on my profile and I've tried to use synonyms like 'bright', 'interesting', 'sharp' but really I hope, simply, that my profile strikes the right chord with the right woman and wonder whether I should even bother using those synonyms. I don't think it's coming from any looking down on women though.

In defence of the men of Bumble (who I know very little about but was one of them), I don't think matching and not messaging is necessarily an ego trip. I've had many matches that expired on there that didn't result in an intro message. I don't take it personally - someone else looked like a better choice and they got the benefit of the conversation. I don't really need to be told that explicitly, nor do I consider the woman involved to be attention seeking. I think Bumble allows women to swipe more liberally without having to deal with message overload a la Tinder/POF.

Also it really depends on the lag between when they liked you, and when you liked them to create the match (or vice versa). If there's a week or a fortnight between those two things, then you can imagine that events could overtake that initial swipe.

Also, remember their stupid system only allows 24 hours to respond so if your match is already matched and in conversation with one or two others is it really so straightforward to engage in a further conversation ? Human nature being what it is, as well as time being scarce and someone else having their focus, all adds up to someone not finding it easy to send you a message apologising for not being able to start a conversation.

Just catching up with the thread while sitting in the beach. Having a lovely relaxing break so far. I finally realised my worth today thanks to Mr Caribbean (he dumped me a year ago today) there is a long story behind the realisation but I am worth more and I am too good to be any man's second choice or fallback girl.

I am missing having someone to talk to but enjoying the break from dating. I wish I had a special man to share the bungalow I'm staying in, all the beach days I have planned and wonderful scenery but for now I will be my own special person. I feel more contented and at peace with taking things at my pace now. I will find Mr Right eventually and he will be happy to take things at my pace and not rush things.i know he is out there and looking forward to more dates when I'm ready

Thank you all for your kind replies; I really appreciate it & noted that I should do it my way.