Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@ladyH846 I use pretty much the same photos on all the apps. At the moment only on Tinder because of my break but I have 4 selfies including a really natural one in glasses and makeup free. One of my banana bread, has been commented on a few times as in I love Banana bread can I have some etc and 1 full length showing my body. It is a somewhat form fitting dress but then it goes past my knees and isn't revealing.
I do date in the 27-37 range but it's all through that 10 year age range that seem to be sex mad. I have been told by most people (men and women) that I look far younger and have only recently stopped being asked for ID

@Lovemusic33 - I thought it wouldn't work before I started as he was only a few months out (might have been 6) but I persisted because we seemed to get on. I think timing was out, although perhaps I'm just saying that to make myself feel better.

@cheerup - I did intend for this relationship to be pretty casual and actually would have been fine with seeing each other more infrequently. Not sure I can handle multi-dating but perhaps that's a problem as it's the easiest way to avoid too much disappointment?

You know I think I'm just going to jump back in

WomanFrom I dated someone last year who was a few months divorced, he still hadn’t got over his wife leaving him and the selling of their house to the pint he couldn’t drive past the house, he kept referring back to his marriage and the divorce, it got quite depressing, he obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship and was just looking for someone to fill a gap as he was struggling alone. I know some people can get over their ex pretty quickly but I think it depends on circumstances, I got over my husband pretty quickly but them we hadn’t shared a bed for 5+ years and I had no feelings left towards him. I think if a man has had their marriage ended by their wife it can take them a long time to be ready to move on.

@WomanFromDelMonte. Managing the potential for disappointment is exactly it. It stops me becoming over invested and reminds me that I should be choosing who I want to spend time with rather than worrying about whether someone wants to spend time with me.

I’m trying hard not to think about FWB, I haven’t really felt this relaxed about someone for a long time but trying to be rational. He obviously wants more, on many ways he’s an ideal person for a relationship, very trust worthy, no baggage, good in bed and a very sweet guy but he’s not what I usually go for, he’s overweight, not very active where as I’m very active and reasonably fit. I know at some point he’s going to ask “what are we?” and I think he wants to be in a relationship where as I’m enjoying just being FWB (I think).

Looking for sage advice, 2 years seperated, feel it's time for me to dip my toe back in the water. Looking for advice on the best dating sites, I'm not looking for shag and go, so give me some sites for a middle aged women, who last dated in her teens

@Jacteller long time lurker here, the rules on this thread are brilliant and so true.
I'm 40 and have tried tinder and bumble, it's for any age, you can just set age ranges in the settings. I prefer bumble personally, I'm speaking to a lovely man in his 40's that actually wants to know all about me and not just sext so that's refreshing. Yes there will be plenty of men just after one thing which is fine for some but if you are looking for more, don't let them start persuading you for dirty pics, meet on dates, don't sleep with them too soon. You'll quickly learn, good luck.

@maisythehorse thanks for the advice, older than you by half a decade!! Definately dont want a sex post, want to get to know someone, and see where it goes. Someone Intrested in me. I previously was a fixer, but spent the last few years fixing myself. I know my boundaries!! Do you chat on bumble or do you take it quickly to whatsapp.?? Dont think I'm too keen on giving out my number to randoms. Any other sites??

I don't give my number too easily, only if I think a date is likely, unfortunately some men and see it as an invitation to start swapping nude pics. Each to their own but been there done that lol

@Jacteller I've given out my number to anyone I've met so probably over 20 men. The only person who has bothered me is someone I had a three month relationship with after I ended it. He is now blocked on WhatsApp. It is very easy to block people. Do whatever you are comfortable with. I'm very reluctant to friend people on social media until I know them - too much of a window into my life for a relative stranger - but don't mind giving out my number.

I've also never been sent an unsolicited dirty photo!

@Lovemusic33 - in this case he left her, although hasn't got over it as far as I can see and they have all the finance stuff to get through. There's no meh in the way he talks about her. Married for 15 years, dc etc... How long did you date yours for? I probably dodged a bullet but I'm resigned to a shit mopey weekend.

I saw someone who had been separated for a year but was still very entwines with the family home and his ex. He lived in a bedsit so all contact with the kids was at the family home. He was still paying the mortgage and bills and even for their summer holiday. He said it was due to guilt over being the one to have left. And wanting to keep the peace until the divorce and financial settlement was sorted. I had never seen been separated as an issue but wouldn't do it again after that experience. I wonder if they got back together over lockdown?

@Notcoolmum - oh god, that doesn't sound much fun. How long did you stick at that?

How thick is everyone else's skin when you see you are unceremoniously unmatched mid-chat with seemingly nice enough, local people?

I am trying to be ambivalent but as someone who always makes a (sometimes lame) polite excuse/reason to bow out & not continue the dialogue.

Makes me have hurt feelings and wonder what I said or didn't say which made them silently think 'Screw you!' or 'Meh. I can't be arsed with this.'

Both times we were enjoying nice chats and proceeding to looking at meeting in person but hadn't swapped numbers.

I don't think there is much chance of him going back to his ex, but I do have a niggle that he might have met someone else. I'm a bit cynical on the people needing to be by themselves even though he was adamant that was the case.

@Ruralbliss the way I look at is that most people will have multiple conversations running, they may have been talking to someone longer than you or whatever so there's always a chance that the conversation might stop.

I know that that's how I seem to be anyway, or I have a few where I've just stopped replying as I didn't feel like there was any effort from the guy - that may be because i get thr impression they're not interested as much (even though for some reason they keep replying 😅) or may be because they have other, better, conversations. I think it's just the nature of OLD!

@Jacteller

Hinge. Only one I signed up To and o have had nothing but positive. Lovely men and two lovely dates and a second one with one this weekend.
Even ones I am not interested in and have courteous and sent nice messages

Thanks @Jonsnowsghost yes that makes sense and I'm totally familiar with the letting messages slide but being unmatched feels I don't know like being dumped a little bit. I guess it is. It's a rejection and no means of ever finding out why I was ditched.

I'm already in a 'Whatever' if they didn't think I was right for them then they weren't right for me. Laters 👋

@Decentsalnotime thanks hinge and bumble to look at! Thay sounds lovely and polite men that makes a change! Do you make the first move or wait for them? Seriously where did the teenage years go of just hooking up and ending up being bf/gf.
Many years passed and looks like it passed me by, kids, work dont meet anyone new in the normal outside world

* Thay sounds lovely and polite men that makes a change!*

Maybe on these online dating threads, but not my view of men and not my experience of online dating today!

To date

[quote WomanFromDelMonte]@Lovemusic33 - in this case he left her, although hasn't got over it as far as I can see and they have all the finance stuff to get through. There's no meh in the way he talks about her. Married for 15 years, dc etc... How long did you date yours for? I probably dodged a bullet but I'm resigned to a shit mopey weekend.[/quote]
I dated him for a few months (4 I think) and kept hoping he would get over it and stop moaning but in the end it just made me feel depressed too, he was clearly struggling to come to terms with his life changing, he was married for 15 ish years too and I guess had never really lived alone.

@Jacteller it depends where you are, I started on the polite sights like Bumble and Hinge but ran out of available swipes within 12 hours. I live in a rural area and it seems that everyone just uses Tinder so I have jumped in too. Tinder has actually been a lot of fun so far. I’m in the 45-55 age group and there are many, many profiles that I’m simply not interested in but the odd gem comes up too. I have just been dumped by the first one I actually dated but it’s fine I wasn’t emotionally attached. My background is irish catholic so dating like a teenager = everything but actually DTD . It’s a lot of fun.