Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sapiophile. WTAF. These men have such a low opinion of women generally that they feel they have to spell out that they want one with a brain. Avoid.

3rd date with Mr Political last night/today and all going wonderfully until his autistic 18 yr old daughter rang him heard me in the background. Cue full meltdown from her, angry phone calls and messages, screaming and crying - apparently it's her worst nightmare that her Dad might start dating and putting someone "before her" - followed by abusive messages from his ex wife. I have an autistic child myself and didn't recognise this behaviour as autistic so much as the tantrum of a young woman who seems to have her whole family tiptoeing around so as not to upset her, judging by the backstory. It was very distressing for Mr P and probably very upsetting for his daughter too. I left him on his way to talk to his daughter and ex face to face but that was several hours ago and I've not heard from him since. I really really like him and will be gutted if it ends.

@frocksmock isn’t that the very definition of drama? Are you sure you need that in your life?

Has anyone had a long ago ex attempt to control weekends by suddenly needing childcare (for a 17 year old non sen)

@NewAutumnName what’s the story? Is he insisting he can’t have DC at weekends or insisting you have them ‘babysat’ when you go out?

@frocksmock an 18 year old? SEN aside she's being manipulative.

@frocksmock

This would be a massive red flag for me - I’ve tried to overlook early stuff like this before on the basis that the guy seems cool “1-1” so what does it matter, but before long I was “involved in the drama” even if I thought it was just a casual thing!

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation (childfree so may not be empathetic with certain aspects of the dynamic) it sounds like poor boundaries in terms of information.

why are you now having the ex discussing you? Why did they find out in the first place?

Sounds like this is the weekend for all the drama to come out of the woodwork. I hope everyone is okay.

I had my third date with Mr Steps on Thursday (and mind blowing sex ) but my spidey senses are still tingling. He seems lovely, open, honest etc, but probably wanting a more serious relationship than I do. I’m looking for someone for me, if that makes sense. I think he’s looking for someone to blend his family with, and that’s sooooo far from my mind.

Tonight though, I’ve had a weird text conversation about a past fling he had. He’d told me before he was seeing someone who turned out to be ‘a narcissist and gas lighter’ and mentioned her again tonight. I said really lightly “oh, I still haven’t heard that story” and he replied “unfortunately, you need to”. Ominous! He’s assured me it’s just ‘annoying’, but I’m baffled. STI? Pregnancy? Stalker? I’m seeing him tomorrow so will find out, but, wow. I just want uncomplicated sex and someone to go to the cinema with 😅

@ZoZoBo

Booked next week off months ago was going away with him. Now she us camping and he needs to be around for 17 year old.
So he is supposed to now stay home, I could stay there but she is dictating which I don't like.
I get one weekend a month children free its next weekend. Apparently, she has approved my other weekends for the rest of the year so currently he can have those ....
Weird

Weekend not next week

@NewAutumnName I see. So you have his ex interfering and your man going along with it! Re 17 year old I know most people would be wary of leaving them alone for the weekend mainly because of their inclination to party or have people over rather than childcare but why is it your irons job to sort if it’s his weekend off.
And why is his relationship with you up for discussion at all with the ex. I would be anxious about this dynamic and the red flags. Unless they have other younger children he should not have much dealings with ex...he could surely deal directly with his almost adult child.
I would be treading carefully here

@Wasail a) sapiophiles are the worst b) to sort wheat from chaff let them message first. Its a pain in the arse but the right swiping habit of a lot of men means you could waste so much time trying to figure out who's genuinely interested c) they're probably just 'being polite?

@ZoZoBo

No other younger children. I booked this weekend off months ago, she now advises she is away. My point wS so why book the same one then if worried about leaving him, there are 3 completely free weekends available to her.

Red flags. He always goes along with her fir an easy life. Apparently she caused issues with his previous relationship. She is controlling and manipulative.

Walking away is my best option. I don't want to but if he won't stand up to her

Does anyone self sabotage a potential interest with someone perfectly nice?
I had a lovely date with a very nice man on Thursday, he's suggested a 2nd date. However I'm almost convincing myself to cancel it for no reason.
My ex husband treated my badly, we're divorced now and I thought I was moving forward, however I'm almost turning away potential happiness. It's almost like I enjoy the thrill of the chase getting the interest online then when they genuinely like me, I panic and put up the walls.

Talking to a guy at the moment who is the first person to actually make an effort with a conversation, asked me questions, asks if I've had a good day etc but he takes hours to reply so I'm not sure what to make of it! I'm guessing he's busy/he doesn't know me so I'm not a priority but it gets a bit frustrating when I want to keep the conversation flowing.
We seem to have lots in common and he comes across well so I don't want to drop it but come ooon I also feel like I will be the one to steer towards actual meeting as well which I don't mind but I do feel a bit awkward doing!

* but he takes hours to reply so I'm not sure what to make of it! *

Good sign. Hours!! He has a life.

A lovely man messaged me and interesting, thoughtful and fun messaged me yesterday Morning. I have only just replied - an equally detailed, thoughtful, chatty, asking questions message.
Why the delay.... I have a full life! So yesterday my priority was children, lunch with a friend, a swim and then a bbq out in the garden with my children and ex husband. I flopped I to bed at 10.

Goes back to my point about having a full like before engaging in online dating as I suspect makes you vulnerable and perhaps needy?

@Rainydayss YES!!! I absolutely used to do that all the time. One or two dates was ok, but any more than that and I’d get frightened off... so scared of getting out of my depth and the potential to get hurt.. It was a learning curve and I think I needed that control at the start. I had to literally tell myself to take each day at a time and not think ahead and that way I managed to get back into a healthier view and have been seeing someone a year now

@decentsalnotime
That makes sense and good that it's a good thing! I just didn't have much on yesterday so I was probably expecting more but I will keep looking at it in that way

@Rainydayss yes I did it every time for a few years. Although I'm not sure id call it self sabotage any more. I wasn't ready to allow intimacy, and its ok. You might want to look into CPTSD and coping strategies. It might take some time for you to get to the point that you want anyone seriously in your life and again, that's fine.

@Ruralbliss

How thick is everyone else's skin when you see you are unceremoniously unmatched mid-chat with seemingly nice enough, local people?

I am trying to be ambivalent but as someone who always makes a (sometimes lame) polite excuse/reason to bow out & not continue the dialogue.

Makes me have hurt feelings and wonder what I said or didn't say which made them silently think 'Screw you!' or 'Meh. I can't be arsed with this.'

Both times we were enjoying nice chats and proceeding to looking at meeting in person but hadn't swapped numbers.

Ruralbliss, this has happened to me too on multiple occasions. I find it hard especially as I recently went through a break up and already feel rejected. I'm not religious and it sounds cheesy but I read "rejection is God's protection" and try to think of them doing you a favour if they unmatched because they mustn't have been interested anyway.

@Wasail

Hi *@CasualDater*, I think I'm nearing the end of my Tinder pool too. I keep getting suggestions for men who are 200km away despite my filters. I think I'm probably at about the same stage in my dating life as you. I'm not interested in settling down but not interested in hookups and ONS either. I spent yesterday setting up lots of irons. what is it with the art of conversation these days? I opened every single introduction, I think one out of 15 managed to reply in such a way as to open communication. I have tried funny, direct, questions..I wouldn't dream of opening with "Hi" and nothing else! But nothing I say seems to get things going. Why do they bother match with me if they have no interest in getting to know me? I am very direct (its on my profile) am I scaring the pants of these guys?

Hi Wasail, I am finding this too. Find myself matched with people on Bumble and then when I come up with something to say in a message, often don't get a reply. Makes me wonder if they like my pic but don't like my profile blurb.

It seems blasé for me just to say ' oh that's just the way it is ' on the apps and sites but pretty much it is ! I tried for the most part not to take anything personally when guys stopped chatting or vanished. I am old school ( or just old ) so never initiated contact. It can be disconcerting when they go and it feels like a waste of time.
My current predicament might be an extension of rainydayss mindset. Mr V and I have reached 10 months since we first met. We had a hiatus for a couple of months earlier in the year but reconnected at the start of lockdown and have been seeing each other in person again since mid June. He's quite a self contained character, very funny but actually a bit shy underneath. He's also pretty good looking, a definite type that might attract women of a certain age when he goes out. I don't have huge self esteem or body image insecurities but I feel like I'm punching above my weight. I am also used to being ' the funny one'. It's not actually the real essence of me but a role I adopt in certain situations. So with him being funny too I am trying to find a role that compliments his without becoming too quiet or just ' not me' . And in the process I don't feel like I am enjoying being in the moment as I should do. It's like I don't want to believe that this will last so I am keeping a chunk of myself back waiting for it to end. I can recognise that I was definitely plate spinning contacts so as not to feel too exposed by focusing on only one person. Am I self sabotaging by not allowing myself to relax ?

@LadyH846 Welcome to Bumble. That's why I never use it; @tigerdater summed it up well. You're just feeding men's egos. They match, you have to make an effort to talk first so you're showing interest. Ego rubbed, they don't have to anything apart from swipe right in everyone.

@Jonsnowsghost I take hours to reply. Doesn't mean I'm not interested I'm just doing stuff. Even when I'm not replying to or checking messages from someone I haven't yet met isn't priority. There's a guy messaging me at the moment and it's so clear he's got sod all else to do and us waiting for my replies. Gives me the creeps. Subs out, do something mate!

@crackofdoom I think asked if I'm ASD. No idea but DD is and I'm a bit odd. Direct, don't really get a lot of stuff. Terrible terrible mental health problems/addictions/social anxiety throughout 20s/30s. Perfectly happy to be on my own all the time, used to make a lot of faux pas got better at that. No filter. Sounds like it, doesn't it? 🤣

Still struggling to fancy anyone. Male best friend messaged at 4 am to tell me how hot I looked the other day. Then messsged at 9 to say he's got worms. I mean even if I was considering it (been there, done that, not going back) I wouldn't now, would I? 🤣

Missing comma.

Even when I'm not, replying to or checking messages from someone I haven't yet met, isn't priority.

@unambiguousbeard yes that totally makes sense! I do try and not respond right away, I'm just quite addicted to my phone so if I pick it up and see a message I will generally respond straight away! I need to learn to step away from my phone so I don't look too over eager :)