Dating Thread 193 - Remembering Rule 7

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Lovemusic33 Ah sounds like he was in a bad place and you're well out of that. Did he have any redeeming qualities. I'm sympathetic to his case actually but wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Having said that, what have i just been doing. [facepalm]

@Jacteller I second Tinder. I was on Match and POF for longer than I care to admit and met or chatted to every narcissist and oddball in a 30 mile radius Tinder is apparently where the more normal men hang out in my area, despite me thinking it was all about hookups! I'm in the 55 to 60 age range if that helps.

[quote WomanFromDelMonte]@Lovemusic33 Ah sounds like he was in a bad place and you're well out of that. Did he have any redeeming qualities. I'm sympathetic to his case actually but wouldn't touch him with a bargepole. Having said that, what have i just been doing. [facepalm][/quote]
I think if he hadn’t have been so depressed about the break up of his marriage he probably would have had qualities, he seemed like a nice guy but the sex was pretty awful (I think he had only over been with his wife), I couldn’t put up with his glum face and the rubbish sex so walked away from it.

Ahhh, FWB sent me a message asked “if I would like to go out for a day to do something other than sex?”, that would make it more than FWB wouldn’t it? I’m confused as to what I want, I like him but have been single for sooooo long that I’m a little scared of the whole relationship thing.

@frocksmock from being around teenagers to early twenties I dont see tinder as much more the a hook up site
May be different for our generation.
@wasail I did when you completed bumble and hinge in 12 hrs you should get a certificate!! Luckily I'm not rural, bit defitnatley in the middle age bracket and been out of dating for 25 years!!

@Lovemusic33, then maybe tell him that in a roundabout way. If we have learnt anything from each other's experiences on here that it's very difficult to tell how things with a new iron will develop. You might find that there are aspects of being with him you enjoy more than just FWB. Isn't any new potential RS just testing the water?

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Lovemusic33, then maybe tell him that in a roundabout way. If we have learnt anything from each other's experiences on here that it's very difficult to tell how things with a new iron will develop. You might find that there are aspects of being with him you enjoy more than just FWB. Isn't any new potential RS just testing the water?[/quote]
I think I have been pretty open with him, we have been friends for a year, we chat a lot about what we want and don’t want. I do really like him but I’m just unsure what I want. I think he wants a relationship but would be happy not to rush things too much. At the moment I’m just enjoying the sex 🤣

@Lovemusic33
Would you go out for the day with friends?

Of course you would - FWB is friends with benefits so the friend part is important as well as the sex.

If you dont want to do friend things as well then what you want is a fuck buddy.

I agree with @Onesmallstep67
Just be honest with him about what you want and see if he is on the same page, do not lead him on as its not fair

Can I join?

Was on this thread under a different name towards the end of last year/early this year. I'm 32, I have 2 primary aged DC. Split up with my ex two years ago. Had a FWB who I really connected with, that went on for six months last year and I was gutted when it didn't go further and had really hoped to be able to meet someone this year. Corona has made dating impossible.

I'm going on a date tonight and I'm really anxious. Anxious as to whether he will even turn up, anxious about the virus. Not for myself, I just don't want to pass it on to my parents. My date is younger (early 20s). We've had several very long video calls and I really want to meet him, just don't know how to deal with dating during a pandemic! I'm getting very low with life being on hold though.

Ah must be why I like hinge because my coverage includes London. Endless options

@RainbowParadise welcome back to the thread. Good luck with your date tonight, just go with the contact levels you feel comfortable with in regards to the virus. It really has made dating 100 times more difficult than it was to begin with.

@RainbowParadise welcome. I think a lot of us when weighing up the virus risk with meeting new people have chosen to start dating in whatever way they are comfortable..some are keeping to outside dates, distancing while others are going all in! I’m in the latter feck it category 😆 I hope the date goes well.
I’ve hate loads of potential irons contact me today but feel like in a lot of cases it’s because it’s the weekend and they are hoping to score a hook up😬 not what I want. One guy I have messaging all week seemed lovely has now gone cold because I don’t want him to come to mine tonight for a first date ...I have never met this guy!
Other one is just annoying me getting tetchy at everything I say..wearing.
Another looked for my number quite quickly which is fine but tried to call me earlier and I hit off the call as I’m the middle of work and he has disappeared
I can’t be arsed with it all 🙈

@RainbowParadise

It’s a lovely evening (south eastern at least), what about suggesting pub garden? Then at least outside
Although and maybe I’m over stepping the mark.

I too am in my thirties with two primary aged children. The idea of dating someone in early twenties.... why?! Sounds like you want more than a FWB arrangement and quite honestly - i would be interested why an man in his early twenties is keen to date a woman ten years older than him with children.

Just wanted to sympathise with the posts up thread about how difficult it is to date amidst childcare, work and having something of a life. I’m sure there are many blokes (fewer than women obviously) in a similar position who are finding it difficult. I feel like if I can’t message promptly or meet in person for a fortnight I would not be doing enough to make a difference to someone and they would be landed with a kind of half relationship that eventually they’d want out of. So I’m almost out on the idea that I can get something off the ground via online and the taking it slow discovery approach. There just doesn’t seem to the patience or appetite for that sort of thing out there. I’ve been paring down my online dating presence in the last week or so and in a few weeks my Match subscription expires and I’ll have vanished completely. It feels weird after a few years doing it

@HairyArsedMan it’s exactly as you describe- there is no patience or appetite for taking it slow. I’m sure it’s because there is always another option in the tinder pof match sweet shop ...I’ve only been doing online dating for 5 months and I’m jaded already 🙈

Thats a really interesting perspective @HairyArsedMan. I'm guilty of being inpatient. I haven't seen Mr P for 2 weeks after spending 9 days together on holiday and I've struggled. The reasons we haven't seen each other are on his side, he's had the kids and is moving. But I've handled it badly and felt anxious and taken it personally throughout.
I've felt almost rejected and yet hes had valid reasons why he cant see me.
So its interesting to hear it from the other side.
I made a comment to him about how nice struggled not seeing him and he said " oh are you going to tell me you're going to cut your losses now because I'm not always available. I've heard that before ".
So its clearly a thing...
Perhaps its about having patience when you really do like someone to let them get their shit together etc.
Its hard though when you're told must mean the lack of contact means he's just not into you. I guess it doesn't always mean that 🤷‍♀️

Impatient!!!
Not inpatient!! Although I sometimes wonder

I'm guilty of being impatient too.

I only have 1 day free and 1 evening if my parents help but once I know someone I'm happy to just hang out at home when DD is in bed, I get pretty lonely in the evenings. I feel like a bad mum if I ask for her to have a sleepover more than once a week.

I find it hard trying to juggle things when an iron has kids too.

Quick update - Mr Big and I are bf/gf. He hasnt been the most reliable in the past but has been really good and keeping in touch etc. he has had a tough time lately, lost his job so working basically all hours god sends in a new job, which leads to good morning txts at 3am!. I struggle a bit with not seeing him during the week but also admire his work commitment. I know I should just keep busy but part of the reason I wanted a bf was for company so struggle a little. I dont think lockdown and working from home helps either tbh, I feel the days and nights pass so slowly.

Hi all, may I join you?
I'm 51, married for 20 years and separated for almost a year but only living separately for 6 months.

I don't want another heavy relationship yet but I want to date, make new friends, gave sex, live a little after years of existing!

I'm on tinder and POF but currently hidden as the talent pool is very shallow here and I think I've swiped everyone!

I'm fussy and I want to be. Not here to waste another minute of my life and I'm very soft and a people pleaser so I've had to grow a pair!

So far I'm chatting with a very interesting man around my age who only shares one photo, has a full and varied life but might be a bit grown up for me, if that makes sense. Also a younger guy who is so much fun and we're going to meet up this evening for a "drink and see". I've already had to let one guy down gently who was at the snuggles by the fire stage now whereas I'm at the "released from jail" stage. He was very intense!

Looking forward to reading all your advice, experiences and stories!

I looked at eharmony and registered but not paid. I keep getting sent matches and it’s the same two men every time. I won’t waste money on this dating site.
Have people joined tinder and not paid anything and it’s still be good.
Thanks

[quote Decentsalnotime]@RainbowParadise

It’s a lovely evening (south eastern at least), what about suggesting pub garden? Then at least outside
Although and maybe I’m over stepping the mark.

I too am in my thirties with two primary aged children. The idea of dating someone in early twenties.... why?! Sounds like you want more than a FWB arrangement and quite honestly - i would be interested why an man in his early twenties is keen to date a woman ten years older than him with children.[/quote]
@Decentsalnotime it's a valid point! Before I was single I'd been in two long term relationships with men quite a lot older than me. When I started online dating I went on dates with men around my age/a bit older/ little bit younger. Then during a quiet period on tinder I ended up swiping on a guy who was 22, not expecting much tbh. Went on a date with him and had such a great connection, ended up having a casual thing with him for around 6 months.

Since then I've been open minded to dating anyone from early 20s onwards, in fact the bad dates I've had have been with guys in their 30s! My ex husband who was older was abusive to me and I don't know if psychologically I now find it easier to date younger guys because of this- I feel more in control perhaps. And perhaps after so much misery and abuse I've been attracted to guys who are frankly more fun. I've learnt so much about myself in the past two years and I'm actually quite happy on my own. I guess my ideal would be a relationship but one that doesn't get too serious- that in itself is hard to find! I'm very realistic about men and their motivations. My expectations are set very low 😂

The date last night was good. He's very confident and chatty, feels like a connection, we'd had loads of video calls beforehand. If it goes nowhere then it's been a nice distraction anyway.

Hi @CasualDater, I think I'm nearing the end of my Tinder pool too. I keep getting suggestions for men who are 200km away despite my filters. I think I'm probably at about the same stage in my dating life as you. I'm not interested in settling down but not interested in hookups and ONS either.
I spent yesterday setting up lots of irons. what is it with the art of conversation these days? I opened every single introduction, I think one out of 15 managed to reply in such a way as to open communication. I have tried funny, direct, questions..I wouldn't dream of opening with "Hi" and nothing else! But nothing I say seems to get things going. Why do they bother match with me if they have no interest in getting to know me?
I am very direct (its on my profile) am I scaring the pants of these guys?

@Wasail its a thing that a lot of men swipe right on everyone and then filter based on their matches

Can I add this to the theme of dating as the primary parent... disappointing sex once a fortnight is even more disappointing than normal disappointing sex .

@supercali77 I get that. What I don't understand the the "sapiophile" who calls himself Amour and claims he is a nuclear physicist who answers monosyllabic (okay I gave him up as a bad job very early).
If they are filtering fair enough but why bother to answer at all if they don't want a conversation and why make absolutely no effort to engage the conversation beyond answering a question with a single word? Couldn't they just unmatch and move on?