Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been sent this...

346 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 19/08/2020 14:43

What would you think if you received this from an anonymous facebook profile? Obviously its between DH and this profile.
He says he was just trying to figure out who was messaging him so was being nice to them so they would confess. I think he's bullshitting.

I've been sent this...
OP posts:
rwalker · 19/08/2020 18:39

I'd be tempted to believe him if they had been shagging or having an affair and she's savvy enough to screen shoot stuff .
Would of thought there would be something more graphic than this and it does seem to cut off where it could get intresting if she was out to cause trouble she would of sent the rest of it.
Chances are he fucked her off thats why she hasn't sent the rest .

VettiyaIruken · 19/08/2020 18:40

Your husband is full of shit and the whole get annoyed with you vollocks is classic deflection.

GreenDays557 · 19/08/2020 18:56

My take on the conversation, I'm remembering what was said so it's not exact. And I'm making up the name Fred.

Her

Hi Fred , how are you? I've been thinking of you over this last crazy few months. We had some good times together.

Him

It's nice to be remembered of so well. Thank you.

Her

I always think of you well, do you think well of me?

Him

Yes

Her

In the same way I do?

Him

Yes

Her

Things could have been so different

Him

It was my fault

Her

What about your wife?, It wasn't all your fault, I was very hurt though.

Him

I am married now yes, and we can't go back, but I am very sorry for hurting you.

Her

But I'm single now, I thought maybe we could meet up?

Him

No, that's not going to happen.

So she sends the screenshot to stir up trouble, he feels guilty for getting involved with the conversation, now he realises his ex is a manipulative woman and his wife is angry at him. Hence the bad mood.

Just my take. He's not innocent, but it's far from unforgivable.

Nomorepies · 19/08/2020 19:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

johnd2 · 19/08/2020 19:10

I don't see anything dodgy there, seems very non committal from his side.
Obv having this stuff presented as something terrible is very disconcerting but i think you can to think through your own feelings and discuss them with your husband so you can process this together.
Also I'm sure you're aware the advice on Mumsnet usually has some gems in but overall there's very little balance so don't let the creative thinking on here affect your feelings.

TorgosPizza · 19/08/2020 19:17

His seeming annoyed at you would make me suspicious and angry. How dare he be moody when he's the one at fault? (Even if it's nothing worse than messaging his ex and pretending he didn't know who she was.)

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2020 19:25

@GreenDays557

My take on the conversation, I'm remembering what was said so it's not exact. And I'm making up the name Fred.

Her

Hi Fred , how are you? I've been thinking of you over this last crazy few months. We had some good times together.

Him

It's nice to be remembered of so well. Thank you.

Her

I always think of you well, do you think well of me?

Him

Yes

Her

In the same way I do?

Him

Yes

Her

Things could have been so different

Him

It was my fault

Her

What about your wife?, It wasn't all your fault, I was very hurt though.

Him

I am married now yes, and we can't go back, but I am very sorry for hurting you.

Her

But I'm single now, I thought maybe we could meet up?

Him

No, that's not going to happen.

So she sends the screenshot to stir up trouble, he feels guilty for getting involved with the conversation, now he realises his ex is a manipulative woman and his wife is angry at him. Hence the bad mood.

Just my take. He's not innocent, but it's far from unforgivable.

Yeah that's how it looks to me too. Obviously I'd want ro investigate a bit more but don't let people in here convince you he's definitely having (or had) an affair when that's not what those messages say
WhatifIfeellikeacat · 19/08/2020 19:29

Looks like he is very sad things didn't work out with her. Very sorry, OP.

ktp100 · 19/08/2020 19:29

He's bullshitting BUT I don't get why they would send you screenshots of the more innocent part of the convo if he supposedly agreed to meeting up?

Maybe he did refuse to meet up so this is all they have?

Still doesn't excuse the whole 'yes' bollox though.

My guess is he indulged it while he thought it was just messaging but refused to let it go further, which pissed her off. He shouldn't be indulging in ANYTHING!!

Jenasaurus · 19/08/2020 19:31

It seems suspicious that she sent it aaron I think your DH needs to show you the thread to be able to put it behind you.

deedpollnamechanger · 19/08/2020 19:36

He’s in a bad mood because that message may be one of many chats. He’s probably crapping himself.

Pull up a chair, sit next to him, smile sweetly and say - log in, to go settings etc. Show me.

If he starts protesting and gas lighting you tell him straight that some woman is trying to ruin your marriage, he’s played along and he’s the one who should be bending over backwards to fix this. Open up the file or you’ll assume he’s got something to hide.

WhoUsedMyName · 19/08/2020 19:44

That fact he entertained it would be enough for me.

InFiveMins · 19/08/2020 19:45

why are you even entertaining it OP? You know he's lying, it's obvious. Bin him off.

Tistheseason17 · 19/08/2020 20:08

I'd want to see the downloaded full conversation.

Sweettea1 · 19/08/2020 20:11

Why is he bothered about who it is he should never of replied.

Ellapaella · 19/08/2020 20:17

Looks like your DH initiated the conversation though as his is the first message? He certainly seems to know the person anyway based on that first message.

Sarahandco · 19/08/2020 20:18

Yes, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. He seems to be very non-committal and possibly he knew she was the type to cause trouble so didn't just say bugger off, because he didn't want to inflame the situation.

Don't walk into her trap! would be my advice and let it go.

WouldBeGood · 19/08/2020 20:23

It’s suspicious that he’s grumpy with you.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 19/08/2020 21:41

So the download thing didn't work. Shock. He was happy to do it though and sat with me.

He says she initiated the conversation by saying she had been thinking about him a lot recently and thought life was too short not to tell him. She says she came to this conclusion after a recent bereavement hence not wanting to be horrible and tell her to fuck off (which imo he should have done).

He says after she asked about me he told her he loves his wife very much and nothing will ever change that. Of course i only have his word for this but I will do some more digging.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 19/08/2020 22:03

Do you believe him @ShrekandDonkey? If you do then that’s an answer.

Angrymum22 · 19/08/2020 22:22

There are a number of possibilities OP and you may get the truth eventually. I’ve recently been through something similar. A very ancient ex of DHs reconnected, he initiated it but only because she kept appearing in his ‘people you may know’ list. He had told me that they had become ‘friends’ and I didn’t think it would do any harm but I was wrong and subtle changes in DH behaviour lead me to check out posts to each other.
Anyway we have moved on after much upset. DH was angry with me for snooping on him, I was angry with him, obviously. I messaged ex to say I was unhappy with her flirting with him, she blamed me for being controlling and supported him (? ) despite him not being upfront about being very married still. Her message was very revealing about her attitude to other people’s marriages. Like OPs mystery women she appears to be newly single. I have never met her and she is not local so has no mutual contacts.
As far as I know all contact has ceased. It will take time to rebuild trust but it has make us talk about our relationship.
Don’t let him brush it under the carpet or minimise it. Be prepared for the bullshit, mostly because it dawns on then eventually how much they have hurt you. I do think that the minimising is actually to avoid making the situation worse and hurting you further, but in actual fact it’s better to ‘rip the plaster off’ quickly. DH tried the low impact route but realised it was better to tell the truth and admitted to still having feelings, which, as another PP has commented, is perfectly normal. But these feelings are not necessarily enough to lead to unfaithfulness. We have talked it through numerous times, DH has become ultra sensitive to my mood and happily brings the subject up rather than leaving it to fester. He realised that refusing to talk was a big mistake if he wanted to repair the damage.
There is no guarantee we will ok ultimately but I do feel we have made a positive start to fixing our relationship.
Also a very important lesson for DH was that it is incredibly easing to say things to people on social media you would never have the nerve to say in rl. Our age group (middle age) didn’t grow up with digital media so forget the first rule of FB ‘never type anything you would never say in rl’. We are quick to impress these rules on our children but continually ignore them ourselves.

CorianderLord · 19/08/2020 22:53

An ex or someone he wants to be with

Sacredspace · 19/08/2020 22:58

She’s asking ‘what is your fault?..about your wife?’ Not ‘what about your wife’? IMHO x

Namechange2020onceagain · 19/08/2020 23:31

Why didn't the download work? It is not immediately available, once requested, FB will send a notification, usually within 24 hours that it is available to download.

It is a good sign that he was happy to do it though.

booboo24 · 19/08/2020 23:46

You can view it immediately or choose to download which can take 24 hours. I agree, the fact that he was willing to do that infront of you says a lot

Swipe left for the next trending thread