I've been sent this...

[ShrekandDonkey]

What would you think if you received this from an anonymous facebook profile? Obviously its between DH and this profile.
He says he was just trying to figure out who was messaging him so was being nice to them so they would confess. I think he's bullshitting.

[FunorFitness]

He made her choose between him and her fiancée and then dumped her. Sounds to me like she has seen the opportunity for revenge.

But regardless her motives, he fell for it! Saying he has to be careful and being suspicious it was you, both suggest to me that he is a seasoned cheat and paranoid about getting caught.

[Pebblexox]

I get that you say he's never given you a reason to not trust him before, but surely with all of this you've got some major red flags happening?
Personally for me, that would be more than enough to make me walk away. If he's capable of deleting everything, without a trace I'd be worried what and how much he's deleted before all of this.

[chickenyhead]

Hi OP, for me, having followed the thread, I think that you are making the right decision.

Whoever sent those pictures wanted to split you up. I think it was her.

He shouldn't have behaved the way he did, it was icky and he has some significant trust to rebuild. But i do believe it was chat. I don't know whether he would actually have gone through with anything. You will probably know this better as you know him.

I know that he is a data analyst, but you aren't, he will only do enough to hide stuff from you. I recommend random checks at unpredictable times for a while.

Hopefully he has learnt his lesson.

[JingsMahBucket]

@ShrekandDonkey I’m going to be blunt and say I honestly don’t think your husband is worth the effort. Are you going to be running through this whole rigmarole of trying to get him to show you chats, to-ing and fro-big for the rest of your lives or at least the next 5 years? He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.

[ProfessionalWeirdo]

He had an answer for everything, except when i asked him why he said he should be careful.

I saw it as if they were to meet he would have to be careful so as not to be 'sprung' by you, be caught out.

That was also how I interpreted it. How are you today, OP?

[PinkMonkeyBird]

I've read through your thread and to me, he is gaslighting and bullshitting you.

As one of the PP said, any person intent on being faithful to their partner and received a message like that would probably not engage or would plainly ask who on earth was contacting them.

I once received an unsolicited message from a male friend of a friend via FB messenger and all it said was that he thought about me all the time and would love to see me alone. I was in a long term relationship at that time (irony is that DP back then, went on to cheat on me!), I just replied back "Not appropriate as you know I'm in a relationship and I'm not interested!". I wouldn't answer them in the affirmative 'just to be nice'

Either way, your DH is definitely hiding something and knows damn well what is going on.

[PinkMonkeyBird]

@chickenyhead

Hi OP, for me, having followed the thread, I think that you are making the right decision.

Whoever sent those pictures wanted to split you up. I think it was her.

He shouldn't have behaved the way he did, it was icky and he has some significant trust to rebuild. But i do believe it was chat. I don't know whether he would actually have gone through with anything. You will probably know this better as you know him.

I know that he is a data analyst, but you aren't, he will only do enough to hide stuff from you. I recommend random checks at unpredictable times for a while.

Hopefully he has learnt his lesson.

I recommend random checks at unpredictable times for a while.

I don't recommend that at all. I've been in a similar situation and having to do random checks absolutely ramps up the mistrust and anxiety. It's debilitating. The OP's DH is clearly up to something with the context of his replies in the message.

[Drinkingallthewine]

It sounds to me like she's single and ruminating on how she could have been married to her ex fiance except your H fucked it up by giving her an ultimatum then dumping her anyway. She sees him playing happy families on FB, and wants to wreck it on him. I don't necessarily believe she actually wants him. The whole exchange reads like she's trying to coax him into saying something with the intention of screen-shotting it to send to you. She jumped the gun a bit though.

However, he crossed the line replying the way he did. He was messaging someone with the intention to take it further. Even if they genuinely only went as far as that, it's a massive crack in your marriage and a trust issue going forward and doing almost as much damage to the marriage as it would if he had actually physically cheated.

[Receptionwoes]

Sorry op

[ShrekandDonkey]

Little update...

I have left DH. It wasn't because of the messages but let's just say they didn't help.

Now to try and rebuild my life which won't be easy (he's already tried to play the "you're an unfit mother" card) but I'm more than ready for it.

[Crawlbee]

Good for you OP, it's bloody hard thing to do but it will be worth it . Hope you have lots of real life support to get your through, and congratulations for realising your worth and moving towards a better future.

[TwentyViginti]

I'm sure it's for the best OP.

Unfit mother eh? They like to hit you where it hurts, when they know they're in the wrong.

[JingsMahBucket]

@ShrekandDonkey well done for gathering the courage to leave. I hope you breathed a sigh of relief.

[Estrellente]

Good for you. He sounded like a cock.

[MsDogLady]

You are empowering yourself, OP. I know you will go from strength to strength on your new journey.

[TruffleMama]

Your husband is trying to bullshit you! Please don't fall for it. Don't accept his lies!

If a "random person" started messaging me these sorts of messages on FB, I wouldn't be replying.. I'd show them straight to my DP and say I don't know for sure who it is, but I have an idea that it could be xxxxxxxx.

Then, me and DP would decide together how best to deal with it. Whether that be by "playing along" to try and work out who it is, or by ignoring/blocking the account.

Either way, I would be very open about it to my DP from the start and if we decided I should "play along" to work out who the "random person" is, I would let my DP see the conversation.

Then... if the "random person" decided to send screenshots to my DP.. it won't be anything he's not already been shown by me.

Your husband DELETED the conversation.. that suggests he has something to hide!!! Normally, I would say most people do not routinely delete their conversations.

Where was your husbands message asking "Who is this?" There isn't one. Your husband knew exactly who he was talking to and they clearly have history. Blatantly an ex. He told her he still thinks about her. And when she suggests that things could have been so different (which is obviously referring to the fact that they could have ended up together).. your husband doesn't say "Yes.. but I'm now a happily married man!" He saying "....my fault", which implies some regret or some wrong doing on his part which caused the breakdown of their relationship.

This is not your husband "playing along" to try and work out who this person is. Your husband knew exactly who he was talking to!! This was a conversation reminiscing about a past relationship and what might have been... and he's deleted it to cover his tracks and now he'll stick to his bullshit story and lie through his teeth!

I'm really sorry OP, but your husband cannot be trusted.

Last year, an ex contacted me via FB messenger with an anonymous FB profile. He put up his mobile number and asked me out for drinks. I politely declined and he wrote back a flirty comment. I replied telling him I was in a relationship and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to keep chatting to him. He replied something snotty and I blocked him and never replied again. Didn't bother showing DP because it was so insignificant... but that convo is still there in my messenger history because A) I don't routinely delete convos. B) I'm not trying to hide anything because I've got nothing to hide. C) Little added bonus of having evidence to back up my honest and truthfulness in case the crazy ex ever tried to claim that convo was anything more than me rejecting him.

OP - tell your lying husband to get in the bin!

[SoulofanAggron]

Well done @ShrekandDonkey -Stay strong, don't let him persuade you to get back with him. xxx

[ShrekandDonkey]

He is an absolute cock- this doesn't even scratch the surface. Says I'm not allowed back in my house and if I want to see my children then I will have to get permission. Where do these pricks get off on saying stuff like that?

[CandyLeBonBon]

Well I'd suggest the police might have something to say about that op. Hope you get it sorted

[EarringsandLipstick]

What does he mean, not allowed back in the house? Have you left the house?

You need to return, with police assistance if necessary, and absolutely don't leave your children!

If he won't leave the house, you need legal advice, pronto.

[PicsInRed]

If this is all as it seems, OP you need to move back into the house and return to living with your children, before he becomes by default the primary carer over time. You then need to file for a child arrangements order (after which you will have fixed arrangement for the children, so can move out and he cannot withhold them from you) and either an occupation order or the sale of the house in order to remove him. Good luck.

[ShrekandDonkey]

He definitely won't leave. He says why should he be made to leave when its me who wants a divorce.

I tried to return but could not get in the house. I have told him I will be back with a police escort and he said "Good. You'll need one". I know he thinks he is smarter than me but bloody hell I even i know he's just spouting whatever bullshit he can to hurt me.

I can see this is going to be tough 😔

[Muser314]

Wow.

What a dickhead! Go to the police and tell them you need a police escort to get in to the house! Let that be on record. that you didn't leave willingly. He is being an idiot here.

Stay strong. Let him try to use the law to control you. He will quickly get a reputation for being abusive. Let the police get the measure of him.

[Muser314]

Oh they all try the ''you're an unfit mother'' card but the judge will roll his eyes. Honestly. I've been through this.
There will be NO evidence that you're unfit. He will be flagging himself as abusive if he says that. (But let him shoot himself in the foot).

[WouldBeGood]

@ShrekandDonkey ring a solicitor first thing and arrange an urgent appointment. You need legal advice.
Sounds a horrible situation. Hope you’re ok.