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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been sent this...

346 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 19/08/2020 14:43

What would you think if you received this from an anonymous facebook profile? Obviously its between DH and this profile.
He says he was just trying to figure out who was messaging him so was being nice to them so they would confess. I think he's bullshitting.

I've been sent this...
OP posts:
CornishTiger · 23/08/2020 11:04

If this woman really was acting with honest intentions of showing OP what her DP was really like she’d have shared all the screenshots from the beginning. She didn’t - which says to me either she’s playing a game or there is stuff in those screenshots she doesn’t want OP to see as ours OW in an even worst light.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 23/08/2020 12:23

I think she's done you a favour and opened your eyes to what you're in a relationship with.

JingsMahBucket · 23/08/2020 14:12

@CornishTiger

If this woman really was acting with honest intentions of showing OP what her DP was really like she’d have shared all the screenshots from the beginning. She didn’t - which says to me either she’s playing a game or there is stuff in those screenshots she doesn’t want OP to see as ours OW in an even worst light.
Bingo. She went into this wanting to break up the marriage, not help it.
Lemonade4356 · 23/08/2020 17:37

@JingsMahBucket why would she want to help her marriage to him? She’s better off without him an the ow knows this. I’ve already explained that she could have sent them separately so he doesn’t get a chance to make excuses for it. We know that with the script cheats will lie about what they’ve been confronted with. Confronting him bit by bit gives the best chance of his lies not holding up and him being caught out.

84claire84 · 23/08/2020 23:41

How are you OP?

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 24/08/2020 12:34

So DH and i have been back and forth over this all weekend as you can imagine. I don't believe he has been having or planned to have an affair. However what he did was so bloody stupid which he does realise and has alologised for 1000 times. He has NEVER given me a reason before not to trust him, in fact before all of this the most attractive thing about him was his loyalty towards me.

He doesn't believe it was his ex and thinks it is a scammer or someone on a wind up, he says he doesn't believe she would do something like that. I disagree especially now i found out she didn't tell DH she was engaged til after they had already slept together and also after they split she became pregnant very quickly by someone else but lied to DH for a bit that it was his baby (it definitely isn't). She clearly is manipulative.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 24/08/2020 12:42

Has he explained why he deleted all of the messages? Because that's a bit odd isn't it? Maybe he could give you his Facebook messenger log in? He's got nothing to hide and it would help you to trust him completely and put this to bed. There's no reason for him to not do that is there?

And he is ok for you to recover the deleted messages I assume? Not saying he's lying but surely you would be a lot more comfortable with proof he's being truthful?

Pinkdaisies645 · 24/08/2020 12:49

Don't let yourself get focused on the ex. She's not really important to you or your relationship. Keep focused on what you want from your DH. It sounds like he's trying to muddy the waters. None of that stuff is relevant. It's not even relevant if it was his ex or not. Only his behaviour is relevant.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 24/08/2020 12:53

He doesn't believe it was his ex and thinks it is a scammer or someone on a wind up

If it isn't his ex, how would the sender know the answer to his question about schoolteachers?

TwentyViginti · 24/08/2020 12:53

He does NOT believe it's a scammer. That's just ridiculous.

Potterpotterpotter · 24/08/2020 13:01

A scammer 😂
See you in a few years writing on her when you found out he’s fucked her

booboo24 · 24/08/2020 13:48

Yes I'm sorry to say I agree, if it's a scanner how did they know the answers to the questions?

Why did he agree to meet?

Why did he need to be careful?

I'd have sent the evidence to her with what he said about her, I think there's a lot more to this, and the next time she gets pissed off you'll get the next installment. It's a horribly cruel way to behave on her part, but he has pulled the wool over your eyes I think. Perhaps push the issue of recovering the messages, there are third party software apps you can use i think, although I don't know how good they are. His reaction to the request of that would tell you a lot

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 24/08/2020 13:48

I've had a look through his messenger (he left himself logged in on his work laptop) and i can't see anything untoward.

He has told me he will download it but hasn't yet. I have just messaged him now to do it, will see what happens.

I agree that she isn't relevant and its his behaviour that is the issue here. He admits what he did was stupid and wrong but he promises me there were no sinister intentions on his part, but i'll wait for the facebook data before I believe that.

I genuinely don't see how he could have been fucking her. Looking through her Facebook she was in a long term relationship til last month (they also have 2 children together) and DH has been wfh since March. He had been out once since then with his brother. Yes he could have been having an emotional affair but I haven't noticed any changes in his behaviour at all to account for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 24/08/2020 13:52

And I'm not naive enough to think it was a scammer 😂 I know it was her. And also that whilst he didn't 100% KNOW it was her, he definitely thought it was.

He had an answer for everything, except when i asked him why he said he should be careful. He said he didn't know 🙄

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 24/08/2020 14:17

He doesn't believe it was his ex

In his comments he replied in such a way that it's clear he knew it was his ex. You know this OP. Please ignore his attempts to gaslight you.

He has told me he will download it but hasn't yet

Even if/when it doesn't bring up anything, I'd say that's due to some stuff maybe being perma-deleted, also what you have is enough to see he was willing to cheat.

I recently sent a letter to the wife of a married man who has taken advantage of/lied to etc not just me but numerous other women. He's also got off with hundreds of men. I was sincere, I think she should know. I wouldn'tve included stuff that wasn't relevant because it isn't relevant. The point wasn't to say 'these are the things he's done which aren't ok, cheating hundreds of times behind your back, and on the other hand these are the things he said that were relatively ok.' The point was to let her know about all the cheating etc he's doing.

I think what your husband said reflects badly on him regardless of what was said before and after.

It'd be like when my ex said to me that he was happily married, then an hour later asked me to give him head, plus was flirting with or shagging numerous people of both sexes at all times. That he'd said he was happily married I wouldn'tve thought of including (plus he said at other times that he was just with her for the mortgage, her money etc) as I just wanted her to know the dodgy stuff he was upto as I thought she should so she could make informed decisions about her own life.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 24/08/2020 14:32

Well he just sat with me at his desk and downloaded all messages from August. I can see his ex messaged him directly why he was lying and telling me they were messaging behind my back but no messages at all to this anonymous profile- they seem to be permanently gone.

OP posts:
Msonamission · 24/08/2020 14:33

@ShrekandDonkey

And I'm not naive enough to think it was a scammer 😂 I know it was her. And also that whilst he didn't 100% KNOW it was her, he definitely thought it was.

He had an answer for everything, except when i asked him why he said he should be careful. He said he didn't know 🙄

See, now this would worry me - the bit about saying he didn't know why he had said something. Most people would know why they had said something, even if it's a case of admitting that it was the first thing which came to mind when afraid or angry. Perhaps he says he doesn't know because that's the only question he couldn't adapt to fit his narrative. Perhaps if he answered your question truthfully, the truth would start to unravel in front of your eyes.
SoulofanAggron · 24/08/2020 14:39

I'd see him saying that he has to be careful as meaning he would be up for stuff but he would have to be careful so as not to be caught out by OP.

I suppose some people could read it other ways, though.

booboo24 · 24/08/2020 14:56

Maybe then, the fact that he was willing to do that shows that you are seeing the worst of it all, but it's still enough to be considered cheating I would have thought, it would be for me anyway?

I hope for your sake that he has learned his lesson from this, he is a fool and doesn't deserve the second chance from you, so he is a very lucky man. I hope he doesn't mess it up

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 24/08/2020 15:23

I saw it the same way, that he was implying he could be up for taking it further but he wanted to know it was definitely his ex he was talking to before he fully committed himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 24/08/2020 16:40

I don't think I'm going to find any further incriminating information either unless this anon person sends me more screenshots.

DH is data analyst- he knows every way to access information and also how to cover it up.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 24/08/2020 17:30

I'd walk away unless he was prepared to tell me why he said he had to be careful.

'I don't know' is a bare faced lie.

Think you've had enough of those for one week!

FizzyGreenWater · 24/08/2020 17:33

And I know that sounds flippant, but the bottom line is that shit like this just doesn't happen with normal, loyal, honest men.

It just doesn't.

It dies before it even gets started, even if they are 'targeted' or tried on with by exs or whatever, because they just don't go there.

Imagine you getting into a similar pickle with an ex.

You just - wouldn't.

So, you can say what you like but the bottom line is that this is dodgy, and once you go there, the default should be - right, you persuade me that you are ok. Not 'The onus is on me to find definite proof before I am allowed to be sceptical of you.'

SoulofanAggron · 24/08/2020 17:54

@FizzyGreenWater Has it right. A faithful person would just block the person once it became clear what they were after, (and it was clear, they were clearly trying to chat him up/reminisce in an EA sort of way, and angle for him to get involved with them again) or they would just say 'I'm married' and then block, or whatever.

None of the 'I've got to be careful' (@ShrekandDonkey I didn't see it as he has to be careful the person is how they say they are, I saw it as if they were to meet he would have to be careful so as not to be 'sprung' by you, be caught out.)

Vodkacranberryplease · 24/08/2020 18:17

Well I think you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You know this is dodgy and he knows how to delete everything he wants. You know his initial reaction screams guilt and that this cooperation is now he's had a chance to delete everything.

However you don't have proof. And if she had something more incriminating she would have sent it. So I doubt anything happened though clearly he was willing to start a dialogue. Though I'm guessing she got pissed off after he turned her down hence the messages.

And you know behaved without morals when you first met and the things he has said about her are appalling. And if he had nothing to hide he would have the messages still.

So really there's not a lot you can do. He may be a data analyst but you can't hide everything for ever. Well done him. He 'won'. I hope he's happy.