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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've been sent this...

346 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 19/08/2020 14:43

What would you think if you received this from an anonymous facebook profile? Obviously its between DH and this profile.
He says he was just trying to figure out who was messaging him so was being nice to them so they would confess. I think he's bullshitting.

OP posts:

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/08/2020 10:11

If you met him you would think he's such a lovely guy, very respectful and kind and nobody would ever think he was capable of treating women so badly. Its only me who knows who he really is.

What a prince. He calls her an easy shag but he's the one who was shagging around with her, forced her to choose between him and her fiance and then dumped her, calls her vile misogynistic names, and is clearly trying to hook up with her again despite her being so unattractive that he had to have sex with her in the dark. Gross.

Fuck me, whether he's cheating on you or not he's disgusting. Where's your self respect to be with a man like this? What on earth makes you so sure he doesn't talk about you the way he talks about her?

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 21/08/2020 10:12

And if you wanted to find out who someone was, you'd say "who is this" not start bloody interrogating them on who their year 8 maths teacher was. He must think you're fucking stupid.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 10:25

Tinder is a good shout! Will check that out this evening when I'm home from work.

I'm not sure this is relevant but he's been working from home since March whilst I've been working as normal (NHS). He has had no face to face contact with anyone other than family since then too, I know this to be certain as our children are home with him. It does mean he could have started something online though out of boredom.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 10:27

And i have never ever thought of him as being misogynistic but seeing it all written down it looks bloody awful. He has definitely said some awful things to me in the past too (which i am guilty of doing the same during an argument).

OP posts:

CleverCatty · 21/08/2020 14:24

@ShrekandDonkey

Tinder is a good shout! Will check that out this evening when I'm home from work.

well that makes more sense - he won't have had a chance to cheat - yet...

but plenty of time to text and email etc and start an EA if that's what it is....

so you'll check on Tinder for him?

To be brutally honest it sounds like the trust and liking of his, respect for him etc has gone down the pan since you heard of this... not sure how/if you can get back from this, would you consider Relate?

Alicenwonderland · 21/08/2020 15:14

Try POF aswell. Lots of the married ones don't have real pictures though (always for good reasons 😒) and say they'll send photos if you 'click'.

CleverCatty · 21/08/2020 15:16

@Alicenwonderland

Try POF aswell. Lots of the married ones don't have real pictures though (always for good reasons 😒) and say they'll send photos if you 'click'.

and beware ones with sunglasses lOL

Cheesecourse · 21/08/2020 15:29

Did anything happen around 4 years ago (when you said the FB account was set up). Any changes in DHs behaviour - good or bad?

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/08/2020 19:35

Ok so if he's on tinder or bumble you need a new profile to find him because if he saw an old one of yours he would swipe left then you wouldn't see him!

So you want to be in his target age range and his type. With your new profile. He's obviously on high alert though (guilty conscience?) as he thought that his ex was you checking on him.

Not the first thought that would come to my mind and not a great sign. What has he got to hide?

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 22:16

I haven't had a chance to look on tinder this evening- he is very angry with me.

Angry because I said the kids couldn't have a chocolate mousse at 8.40pm like he said they could (undermining him apparently) and that meant I was out to ruin everyone's weekend. I said "so you are happy to ruin my entire week!" And now he's gone off on one saying he's been nothing but loyal to me over the years and has therefore earned my trust.

You can't make this shit up.

OP posts:

Lemonade4356 · 21/08/2020 22:20

Op, how curious have you ever been to find out who it is when someone random messages you?
Curious enough to say you still think about them?
Curious enough to say it was your fault you broke up?
Curious enough to say you’ll meet them?
You get my point. I believe he didn’t fully believe it was her & now is trying to use that as his get out of jail free card.
Her motive? Well she knows what she’s doing, she knew he’d lie about the first screenshot which is why she sent you the second one later. Otherwise he’d have the chance to excuse them all at once and you wouldn’t get to see what a liar he is. I think she knows he’s a dog and wants revenge for what he did to her years ago.

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/08/2020 23:17

Hm seems like he's trying strategy A after giving B a go. Tres predictable.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 23:20

Aaaand now he's walked out after saying he can't do this any more.

I knew i was a fool but bloody hell I've even surprised myself. Should have seen this coming.

OP posts:

OhYeahYouSuck · 21/08/2020 23:34

Gone a bit defensive there hasn't he. Basically because he's full of shit and has been caught out.

MyOtherProfile · 21/08/2020 23:40

Oh no. He was waiting for an excuse to go, I think. Have you got some support around you? I think he's gone to meet the other woman. Bastard.

MsDogLady · 21/08/2020 23:42

And now he’s gone off on one saying he’s been nothing but loyal to me over the years and has therefore earned my trust.

No matter how much he sputters, those messages show disloyalty. He is angry and defensive now because his deceitful and dodgy behavior was rumbled. He wants you to shut up and back off.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 21/08/2020 23:43

@MyOtherProfile

Oh no. He was waiting for an excuse to go, I think. Have you got some support around you? I think he's gone to meet the other woman. Bastard.

IT's the script and he will now try to either go silent and get you to panic -or disappear and get you to worry. Please do not contact him or ask him where he is going etc. Just say you are done and pleased he has come to the same conclusion.

JingsMahBucket · 21/08/2020 23:44

What a royal douche canoe. He’s been backed into a corner and is now lashing out like a wounded lion. He’s been looking for an excuse. While he’s gone, get your affairs and documents in order.

ballsdeep · 21/08/2020 23:47

@ShrekandDonkey

Aaaand now he's walked out after saying he can't do this any more.

I knew i was a fool but bloody hell I've even surprised myself. Should have seen this coming.

He knows he is so close to being found out op, so he is shouldering the blame onto you.

JingsMahBucket · 21/08/2020 23:47

Yes, @YorkshireTeaIsTheBest is right. If you can, switch your phone to “do not disturb” mode so that way it goes totally silent and you can ignore if any messages come in from him. He’s trying to manipulate you by making you miss him and worry.

I’d also start talking to your family members and friends if I were you. Start rallying your support circle. There’s no shame in this at all. He’s been the dodgy one here, the whole time.

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 23:55

I definitely think he is trying to manipulate me into worrying about him- we have been here before.

Unlucky for him I'm stronger than ever and actually not prepared to take the bait. I've had a little cry but picked myself up. I have a jam packed day tomorrow to keep myself busy too which helps.

I just want to scream "you fucking wanker, how DARE you behave like this when it's you who has messed up!"

OP posts:

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 21/08/2020 23:55

@JingsMahBucket

Yes, *@YorkshireTeaIsTheBest* is right. If you can, switch your phone to “do not disturb” mode so that way it goes totally silent and you can ignore if any messages come in from him. He’s trying to manipulate you by making you miss him and worry.

I’d also start talking to your family members and friends if I were you. Start rallying your support circle. There’s no shame in this at all. He’s been the dodgy one here, the whole time.

Exactly. Time to call in the troops. Get your friends and support around you. Apply to the CSA etc. Mine went silent when he left and I was fool texting him "Where are you?" or "Will you be back tonight I'm going to bed" or whatever.

He even told me he had cancer- he lied.

Lock the door, leave the key in the lock if possible. Go to bed and turn all phones on silent and get to sleep.

You are going to need your sleep as this is going to wind up more. He wants YOU to apologise and YOU to back down so he can be back in CONTROL. The gloves are off -now it is about when he get you to wind your neck in. Just don't.

I so wish if I had my time again that I HAD gone silent. Because he would have texted and poked. I learnt over the years -to go silent. Make plans -make an appointment for next week with a solicitor. Rant on here or to your friends but go silent and grey rock right now to him right now. He texts " I want to see the kids" or "I'm coming home" do nothing.
When he rants - raise an eyebrow and say nothing. Nothing. Same with texts. He is liar. So there is not point in engaging -disengage and surround yourself with non mutual friends ie yours only. Block him on SM and post nothing.

overnightangel · 22/08/2020 00:00

Basically engineered it to make it look like you pushed him away , you can add “gaslighting cunt” to his rap sheet.

Arsehole

Original poster

ShrekandDonkey · 22/08/2020 00:02

Thank you, I definitely needed to hear that.

I have no doubt I will hear from him at some point, they always do come crawling back when they realise how good they had it. I just cba with this bullshit.

And if he's gone to his ex then honestly she is welcome to him.

OP posts:

Vodkacranberryplease · 22/08/2020 00:11

God it's the oldest trick in the book. Has this man no imagination????

If he had nothing to hide this would not be happening. 100%

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