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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been sent this...

346 replies

ShrekandDonkey · 19/08/2020 14:43

What would you think if you received this from an anonymous facebook profile? Obviously its between DH and this profile.
He says he was just trying to figure out who was messaging him so was being nice to them so they would confess. I think he's bullshitting.

I've been sent this...
OP posts:
DoIneed1 · 20/08/2020 20:29

Truly he is a Prince among men. Come on, Op! You deserve better than this.

vegansprinkle · 20/08/2020 20:45

Erm, nope. He is lying to you

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 20/08/2020 22:18

Oh don't worry I've told him it makes him a scumbag either way. He's disrespected me by saying what he has to someone else even if he didn't mean it (which he regrets and has apologised profusely for). And he's disrespected her by lying to her and giving her the impression he was still interested in her when actually he isn't. I don't know what to think tbh.

If you met him you would think he's such a lovely guy, very respectful and kind and nobody would ever think he was capable of treating women so badly. Its only me who knows who he really is.

We have had another discussion about it all this evening, I suppose I was looking for some kind of reassurance (which I did get) but I feel his frustration may build if I go on about it too much. He says I just have to trust him, which a ago I would have done without question.

I'm going to leave it for now, do a little more snooping around. Definitely going to try and do the facebook data thingy again too.

OP posts:
Pinkdaisies645 · 20/08/2020 23:17

He's a nasty one. How can you even stay with him?, he's a misogynistic arsehole. Who even talks about exes like that? I have never heard a man say he had to keep the lights off with someone they slept with? It's needlessly vile. And saying she's mental, ugly? Awful.

And the making her choose and then dumping her? Beyond cruel.

Him potentially cheating is the least of your problems.

Dappledsunlight · 20/08/2020 23:52

I think the "it's my fault " is mighty suspicious. But it does sound as if he may have rejected her and this is her revenge to stir up trouble.

sunoiuy · 20/08/2020 23:56

I don't know, him saying it's nice to know people think of you etc feels to me like he's trying to fob her off kindly. That's the kind of thing I would say.
If she's only screen shoted that too I'd say she's pulling at straws.
She obviously wants him and wants to ruin your relationship.

Sorry in advance I've not read the whole thread.

MsDogLady · 21/08/2020 00:00

He says I just have to trust him.

Trust him at your own peril, OP. He is toying with both of you.

He is disparaging her now to manipulate you, but he was happy to be her OM while she was engaged and then hook up with her and lie to you during your relationship. (So much for his phony stance on cheating.)

He is still lying. He knew exactly who she was when saying he’d meet up and had to be careful. He was agreeing to be disloyal to you. He was enjoying the ego boost and never thought she’d inform you.

I would have zero respect for him. Don’t you deserve better than this manipulative, misogynistic pretender?

CornishTiger · 21/08/2020 00:05

How could they block you so quickly again after blocking you. You have to wait 48hrs. Can’t you reply to message asking for full message thread please.

CornishTiger · 21/08/2020 00:05

*after unblocking you.

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 00:17

CornishTiger I seem to be only blocked on messenger and not Facebook as I can see the profile still. The profile is completely blank and has a false made up name but i can see was created over 4 years ago! I don't think you have to wait 48 hours to do that.

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 21/08/2020 00:43

You say he will get annoyed if you keep on discussing it, but also admits he would go mad if he received the screenshots from a man about you. I also think you may get some more screen shots tomorrow and if you do, are you allowed to challenge your OH or will he say he is fed up of the accusations. I think you are between a rock and a hard place, sorry you are going through this but I think more will be revealed to you over the next few days.

louise5754 · 21/08/2020 00:44

If it was the ex messaging him why would she make up an anonymous profile to message him? I can understand her using it to message you but not him?

SoulofanAggron · 21/08/2020 00:53

he says he never would and tbh he has never given me any reason to think he might.

He met up with her behind your back OP.

He of course tells me if she admitted it was her he would have told her to fuck off and leave him alone but I don't believe that at all.

We can see from the convo that he didn't, he knew it was her yet he carried on the conversation, at least for a while.

mostly in the dark

He sounds awful. He might well talk about you like this to other women, to get what he wants.

If you met him you would think he's such a lovely guy, very respectful and kind and nobody would ever think he was capable of treating women so badly. Its only me who knows who he really is.

If you've realized what he's like, then you know what you need to do. You are going out with someone who you're aware treats women really badly.

He says I just have to trust him

Why? He's seen her behind your back in the past, now he's been messaging with her behind your back. You don't have reason to trust him- you have reason not to.

RantyAnty · 21/08/2020 01:44

How long have you been married?

At first, I was ready to give him a little benefit of the doubt but after the 2nd screenshot was sent and him having form for shady behaviour in the past, I think something is up. The woman who is sending it is shit stirring but your DH is being deceptive.

If he had saved the chat, then he could have shown it to you but he didn't so he knew what was said was something he wouldn't want you to see.

Life has enough issues without bs like this going on.

Whatabambam · 21/08/2020 07:58

If the profile is 4years old, I wonder if she created it then with the exact intention of messaging your husband. Seems strange to have a deliberately obtuse profile and the only reason for doing so is to be covert. I'm a bit lost in the thread but if they're still friends on Facebook, you can run a check to see when they first liked each other. Check it out on You Tube. Could you share some of your other concerns about him being a misogynist with us? Perhaps it's better to open up about these other feelings rather than concentrate on the detective route. I think your instincts are trying to reach out to your head.

toobusytothink · 21/08/2020 08:17

So he made her choose between her fiancée and him and then dumped her when she wouldn’t. That seems very sensible to me 🤷‍♀️.Then he says it’s all his fault because he ended it... well clearly she wasn’t choosing him so did she want to carry on with both of them? And then what? Not sure I get that at all

Pinkdaisies645 · 21/08/2020 08:58

@toobusytothink

I think that the ex chose him and THEN he dumped her, otherwise why would it be his fault and why would the OP be disappointed in him?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2020 08:58

Op, how did he attempt to explain away the "I need to be careful" comment ?

And why are you not pushing harder on that point ?

Original poster
ShrekandDonkey · 21/08/2020 09:32

He says he was just saying what he thought they wanted to hear in order to get them to reveal who they were. He agrees it was a stupid thing to do but of course none of it was ever intended for my eyes.

Haven't received anything else overnight, hopefully it stays that way.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2020 09:41

Absolute tosh.

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/08/2020 09:46

Blank FB profile with made up name = tinder/bumble profile. Perhaps you should do the same with made up woman's pics and set your radius to a mile? Age pref allow for the fact that he could be up to 5 years 'younger' and your age 3 years younger

Vodkacranberryplease · 21/08/2020 09:46

Because it's possible that's where she saw him

Diceroll · 21/08/2020 09:49

Thinking logically, who would answer questions in that way just to see who someone is? And if that's his reasoning, that is more worrying that he cannot identify someone saying those things as there is more than one person it could be in his mind. It seems he is digging himself a hole.

FlapsInTheWind · 21/08/2020 09:49

@Pobblebonk

Ask your husband to show you confirmation that he has blocked her.
Don't bother. He's clearly been seeing someone and bullshitting you.
CleverCatty · 21/08/2020 10:03

from your update - depends what your gut is and depends if you trust him or not with the update - the engaged stuff etc behaviour doesn't cover him in glory but it's past.

If you have the money I'd be tempted to maybe hire a private investigator to dig into things - if you want to do this. and if you're bothered about this.

Also - depends if you want to LTB/divorce over this.