Friends' husbands making passes

[GettingItWrong]

I have lost a number of friendships with men and couple friendships over the past few years.

The friendships turn sour because, at some point, the man makes a pass of some description at me.

Ive had everything from a drunken move to kiss me when their wife is out of the room, to propositions for an affair to declarations of love.

Only one of these friendships has survived because his wife was a bloody star. She asked him directly if he had feelings for me, he said yes, they split up and she asked to meet me and told me she knew it was nothing I had done and she wanted to make sure we didnt lose our friendship because of him. It was awkward for a few months but now our friendship is stronger than ever. They have now reconciled and our friendships are (nearly) back on track.

Aside from that, I was friends with a couple for several years. We went on holidays together, our children were friends, we spent christmases together and then, BAM, he made a drunken pass at me. I turned him down. I didn't tell his wife for various reasons (I know she wouldn't ever leave him and I didn't want to put a bomb in the middle of it; I didn't want my family to lose their family; I didn't want to lose the friendships). Anyway, I rejected him, put it down to drink and it didnt happen again until 2 years later when he told me he loved me. Again I rejected him, tried to make light of it, I guess, but was also clear that he needed to sort out his own relationship and not drag me into it. All fine for a few months until he changed his behaviour towards me - made spiteful remarks about me when we were out if a man spoke to me; comments that I was 'ugly'; and eventually something happened and I haven't spoken to either of them since.

I don't make friends easily and these were the closest friendships I had.

I've had similar issues with male friends: some single, some married but where I don't know the wives.

I've never had an affair or been an affair partner. I don't flirt with married men. I don't feel flattered by it. I don't message the husbands/partners and always respond appropriately to any messages they send me (eg if it's the husband who messages to invite me over for the evening). I always make arrangements with the wife or I make a group WhatsApp chat to make plans and only ever message the men in that (eg if I ask to borrow something or answer a question they'd asked).

I'm perpetually single and, other than never socialising with couples, I don't know what I could do differently.

I'm aware I could tell their wives when they do it but I dont want to lose my friendships with them and, as I don't encourage it in any way, i figure that the onus is on the man to behave decently.

But i withdraw completely if its persistent.

Before anyone picks me up on this being only two friendships I've mentioned, that's because these are two friendships that were affected last year. There have been many more previously that have fallen by the wayside.

I've just become friends with another couple and I really don't want it to happen again.

What can I do that I might not be doing already to prevent this from happening? Might there be signals I'm sending that I'm unaware of?

The wives have never had an issue with me being friends with their husbands - I'm trusted precisely because I'm not a flirty person and I don't ever behave inappropriately around them.

So many married guys are chancers and think they are irresistible and doing the poor single woman a favour also, especially after a few drinks. I tend to just meet up with the female friend rather than spend much time with couples these days. I dont think it's anything to do with me being attractive. I'm slim and blonde but very average

Oh and I'm definitely not flirty, quite the opposite as due to past experience I'm deliberately stand offish

So over 10 years these men have been making a pass at you?

I've already made it clear that I either ignore or tell them to fuck off if it's an inappropriate remark. If the inappropriate remarks continue or they make a physical move, I withdraw completely.

One couple, I was friends with for the whole 10 years. There was nothing. No sign of anything at all it was all really nice - we went on holidays together (the families); spent Christmases together; the children were friends; she and I went out together; he and I did a hobby together. All fine until it wasn't and I withdrew from it completely.

The other friends have been couples or men within mixed friendship groups I've been part of along the way who I've met through hobbies, music and the children.

So no, it's not the same men for 10 years but well over half the men I've become close friends with - whether I'm also friends with their wives or not.

And, like I say, after losing my closest friends last summer and then another close friendship being affected similarly within the space of about 4 months, it's just starting to wear a bit thin.

I think it's a shame that you feel you have to justify the way you live your life to those posters who are blaming you for the fact that so many men are predatory, opportunistic, entitled twats.

I think the main thing standing out here is that you innocently believe you are genuine close friend with these men but in their minds they probably mentally clocked you as fair game early on even if it took a long while to make a move. Also I'd guess the wives are all a bit at you attending the husband only gatherings but as you say they naively over trust so assume it's someone else's husband doing the trying on!

allmidnightstar66

I think that's why it is too.

But it's difficult when the women don't want to socialise without their husbands, or it can only happen infrequently, or just when it seems (to them) unnecessary.

If everyone else is meeting as couples, I'm putting myself at a disadvantage if I don't join them.

Often the invitations are to their houses or the pub whatever for an evening with both of them.

This has happened to me a lot, too. I was friends with a couple who I regarded as my surrogate grandparents. Both in their 80s. He forced a kiss on me out of nowhere and then made a comment about how I would be moving in when his wife died. I was very sad to lose their friendship.

I've had peoples' partners grope me and sexually harass me when their wives not around.

I used to feel it was something I was doing like an invisible target on my back. Now I feel it's just because some men are horrible pervs.

I was asking to get a Time line that's all. No blame

Maybe your really fun to hang out with. Maybe you have a magnetic personality. Maybe your are better looking than you give yourself credit for.
Maybe you hang out with douche bags.
I wouldn’t worry about it it’s not your fault and there not much you can do other than setting boundaries and turning them down.

*You’re

@GettingItWrong I think you're encountering some hostility on this thread because it's becoming apparent a segment of the male population are total shits who are looking for opportunities for affairs. That's on them but it's uncomfortable for partnered women to realise.

You're a challenge. I'm sure most of these men think you would be desperate to shag them, being the poor lonely singleton...and when you show no intention of that by flirting or making yourself seem available they actively proposition you because they have to prove to themselves that you of course are desperate to shag them. It's pathetic.

I was very sad to lose their friendship. I feel your pain. And surrogate grandparents too! That just doesn't bear thinking about - you'd expect to feel safe with him.

Aerial2020 ah, ok

midnightstar66 Sadly, it seems you might be right.

With the couple I was longstanding friends with, I know she genuinely didn't mind because we talked about it. There are only a few I have met up with without their wives and only when their wives have been ok with it. But it should be possible for people who get on and like each other to be friends without this happening. As far as I'm concerned, married/partnered men are completely off limits. I just get frustrated that so many of them don't feel the same!

I wouldn’t worry about it it’s not your fault and there not much you can do other than setting boundaries and turning them down It's just tiresome and disappointing to lose another friendship when it happens.

That's on them but it's uncomfortable for partnered women to realise Yeah, I get that. And it's made me really disillusioned where men are concerned.

I do have male friends where nothing has ever been said or done but, given how long I've been friends with some of these men before anything was said (in some cases several years) it does make me more wary now.

amillionwishes maybe. I have a friend who is happily married but a terrible flirt. All totally innocent on her part but outrageous on occasion (against my benchmark) yet she's rarely if ever propositioned. So maybe it's the challenge.

I'm more disappointed and pissed off that so many men seem to see a single woman as an option and not someone who can just be a friend.

Tbh, I read a lot of threads on here where women are talking about their husband's female friend. I want to respond and say "not every single woman is after your husband! Of course it's possible for men and women to be friends" but more often I experience this, the more I wonder if it's true.

[quote hammie46i]@GettingItWrong I think you're encountering some hostility on this thread because it's becoming apparent a segment of the male population are total shits who are looking for opportunities for affairs. That's on them but it's uncomfortable for partnered women to realise.[/quote]
That’s it, in a nutshell.

Many women who are friends socialise just with the women, so the men are just occasionally around

Unfortunately, some shitty men will try it on if they see you a lot, especially if you go out on "lads" things without their partner
They regard you as "their" friend - and those shitty men don't regard female friends as platonic

You seem to be copping it for what is some pretty standard married or partnered male behaviour. A lot of them do this. I think there’s a quite naive response that somehow you have actually encouraged it. Frankly the number of middle aged men who do this, just to see if “they’ve still got it” is always there.

For the most part, I think a lot of women know their partners are like this and ignore it. They are often keen to blame the woman, and not reflect on the reality, which is that their partner is behaving poorly. It’s a bit easier on the ego if you are the scarlet woman, true or not.

Many women who are friends socialise just with the women, so the men are just occasionally around

Yes, I'm beginning to see that!

Although, I've always had male friends so it's hard. I'm in a band with three married men. I know their wives. I'm friends with one, I know another and I've met the other once or twice. We rehearse, gig and hang out together on occasion and that feels perfectly normal to me.

It's a shame so many of them are "shitty"...

@BurtonHouse

I think it's a shame that you feel you have to justify the way you live your life to those posters who are blaming you for the fact that so many men are predatory, opportunistic, entitled twats.

Hear hear. Bi can't believe all these vitriolic cross examinations. This shit happens. A lot. OP doesn't have to justify her truth. I started experiencing this before I'd even left school from a dad who's kids I babysat for. My first job two married men tried it on with me, a third married man was shagging women in our store cupboard. We all went to his wedding.

My last job there were FOUR married men having affairs (that I knew about) . One of them was also cracking on to me.
The job before that, again, four married men spent most of every day making inappropriate sexual comments about every attractive woman who came in and one of those guys was separated due to cheating.
One of them cracked onto me so many times, I made a point of befriending his wife before I left. He begged me not to.
And these are just the tip of the iceberg. During the day.
I have forgotten more stories than I remember. And as I've said before, this is not just me but many of my friends.
Many men are opportunistic. It doesn't mean that the OP is doing something wrong. These men just believe that if they keep firing their bullets, eventually they will get a hit.

I do all my clothes shopping online (or quickly and strictly alone) as I find being in shops stressful. It's neither a pleasant nor a relaxing experience for me. I don't like massages or beauty treatments so invitations to spa days are also problematic. I've tried it and I don't particularly enjoy being touched by strangers! oh I so agree with this. Although I do enjoy the shopping it is a serious business for me, no time dilly dallying, and the thought of a facial makes me shudder.

I think a lot of people whether in couples or single feel quite lonely op. It’s definitely hard to make friends as you get older. I’m sorry for my comment earlier it must be very disheartening to feel that you have to lose 2 friendships through no fault of your own.

I guess PPs are reacting badly to the idea of you sitting back knowing that your friend’s husbands are cunts and not saying anything. Everyone thinks that they’d want to know, that they would be grateful to the person that told them, that they would leave straight away etc. The reality is quite different.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what the solution is. So many, seemingly nice, intelligent, reasonable men believe deep down that woman=thing for sex, and they’ll never quite see you as a real friend.

Hopefully this is changing slowly, more kids seem to have mixed friendships than when I was young.

famousforwrongreason

Thank you.

Fortunately, I work in a female dominated profession so there's less of it at work. However, in my last place of work there were two married men and both of them tried it on.

The first time it happened, I was a very unworldy, naive 19 year old and I had no idea that men did this. I felt embarrassed and probably a bit flattered at the time, although I didnt respond - until I learnt he was sitting in his car outside my flat watching me and sent me mix tapes in the post amongst other things which, frankly, scared me a bit. He was about 15 years older than me and I didn't really take it seriously initially. I couldn't imagine how a married 35 year old man could possibly be interested in a 19 year old how naive I was.

That was the start of it and it hasn't stopped since.

After the first few times it had happened, it bothered me so much that I put on weight and stopped making so much of an effort with my appearance in an effort to be less attractive to these men but it still didn't stop them.

I'm in my 40s now and it's still happening. I'm just sick of it tbh.

I had a female work colleague who never flirted, dressed normally, whatever that is, and yet on nights out men would be attracted to her like moths to a flame. She was married, the men didn't always know her but something drew them in.
There could be half a dozen, more beautiful single women and yet she was the one the men hung round.

it must be very disheartening to feel that you have to lose 2 friendships through no fault of your own.

It is. I recently befriended a couple and, the last time I saw them, she invited me to stay over after an evening at theirs (I didn't) and suggested a weekend away to something altogether next year. Whilst I'm sure (as I always am) that this time will be different, there was a voice in the back of my head saying "here we go again, this is how it starts". Its made me very wary.

I guess PPs are reacting badly to the idea of you sitting back knowing that your friend’s husbands are cunts and not saying anything

I know. And i get that. The reality from my side is that some of the men do back off when told to and it never happens again. In those cases, I don't want to put a bomb in either their relationship or my friendship. It might sound selfish but these friendships are important to me and I just avoid being in a situation where the man could do it again. And hope it works. Sometimes it does.

But when it becomes untenable, I withdraw from the friendship. With the couple I lost last year, I know from things she'd said that she'd never leave him. She'd have believed him over me and so I'd have definitely lost her anyway.

@GettingItWrong

it must be very disheartening to feel that you have to lose 2 friendships through no fault of your own.

It is. I recently befriended a couple and, the last time I saw them, she invited me to stay over after an evening at theirs (I didn't) and suggested a weekend away to something altogether next year. Whilst I'm sure (as I always am) that this time will be different, there was a voice in the back of my head saying "here we go again, this is how it starts". Its made me very wary.

I guess PPs are reacting badly to the idea of you sitting back knowing that your friend’s husbands are cunts and not saying anything

I know. And i get that. The reality from my side is that some of the men do back off when told to and it never happens again. In those cases, I don't want to put a bomb in either their relationship or my friendship. It might sound selfish but these friendships are important to me and I just avoid being in a situation where the man could do it again. And hope it works. Sometimes it does.

But when it becomes untenable, I withdraw from the friendship. With the couple I lost last year, I know from things she'd said that she'd never leave him. She'd have believed him over me and so I'd have definitely lost her anyway.

I know exactly how you feel OP. All of this is simply down to the fact that men are horrible pervs.

This thread has made me remember being a bridesmaid at a good friend's wedding at a posh hotel.

Before the wedding, I had an adjoining room with the bride, bridesmaid and her fella. Weirdly they all slept in the same room in single beds. I had the double bed in the other adjoining room. I didn't know the other bridesmaid and her partner well but they seemed nice enough people so I didn't give it a second thought that the room was adjoining, I thought they knew not to come in.

The night after the wedding, I woke up to the other bridesmaid's partner kneeling next to my bed with his hands under the covers and inside my clothes touching me everywhere. I said, I think you should go.

Nothing was ever said about it. I hate that I felt guilty about my own sexual assault because his partner didn't know about it. These men have no shame.

hammie46i

That's horrendous!!

I hate that I felt guilty about my own sexual assault because his partner didn't know about it.

I really feel that. I haven't had an experience like that but I recognise the guilt.

And some of the responses on here show that it's too risky to say anything in some cases. The blame is too often put on the woman for encouraging or allowing it in some way.

I'm sorry you experienced that.

I’ve had a few experiences of this myself and I’ve found now that I have absolutely no unnecessary contact with any of my friends OH. I’ve had my OH friends get a little bit too close, in fact I caught one watching my through the little window on my front door! Never been so scared 😟. I’m not sure what you want us to say really, unless you’re in a relationship where you can double date etc then why even be friends with couples?