Friends' husbands making passes

[GettingItWrong]

I have lost a number of friendships with men and couple friendships over the past few years.

The friendships turn sour because, at some point, the man makes a pass of some description at me.

Ive had everything from a drunken move to kiss me when their wife is out of the room, to propositions for an affair to declarations of love.

Only one of these friendships has survived because his wife was a bloody star. She asked him directly if he had feelings for me, he said yes, they split up and she asked to meet me and told me she knew it was nothing I had done and she wanted to make sure we didnt lose our friendship because of him. It was awkward for a few months but now our friendship is stronger than ever. They have now reconciled and our friendships are (nearly) back on track.

Aside from that, I was friends with a couple for several years. We went on holidays together, our children were friends, we spent christmases together and then, BAM, he made a drunken pass at me. I turned him down. I didn't tell his wife for various reasons (I know she wouldn't ever leave him and I didn't want to put a bomb in the middle of it; I didn't want my family to lose their family; I didn't want to lose the friendships). Anyway, I rejected him, put it down to drink and it didnt happen again until 2 years later when he told me he loved me. Again I rejected him, tried to make light of it, I guess, but was also clear that he needed to sort out his own relationship and not drag me into it. All fine for a few months until he changed his behaviour towards me - made spiteful remarks about me when we were out if a man spoke to me; comments that I was 'ugly'; and eventually something happened and I haven't spoken to either of them since.

I don't make friends easily and these were the closest friendships I had.

I've had similar issues with male friends: some single, some married but where I don't know the wives.

I've never had an affair or been an affair partner. I don't flirt with married men. I don't feel flattered by it. I don't message the husbands/partners and always respond appropriately to any messages they send me (eg if it's the husband who messages to invite me over for the evening). I always make arrangements with the wife or I make a group WhatsApp chat to make plans and only ever message the men in that (eg if I ask to borrow something or answer a question they'd asked).

I'm perpetually single and, other than never socialising with couples, I don't know what I could do differently.

I'm aware I could tell their wives when they do it but I dont want to lose my friendships with them and, as I don't encourage it in any way, i figure that the onus is on the man to behave decently.

But i withdraw completely if its persistent.

Before anyone picks me up on this being only two friendships I've mentioned, that's because these are two friendships that were affected last year. There have been many more previously that have fallen by the wayside.

I've just become friends with another couple and I really don't want it to happen again.

What can I do that I might not be doing already to prevent this from happening? Might there be signals I'm sending that I'm unaware of?

The wives have never had an issue with me being friends with their husbands - I'm trusted precisely because I'm not a flirty person and I don't ever behave inappropriately around them.

I’m afraid it’s because you’re single.
Many men only respect women according to their status in relation to another man.
If you ‘belong’ to a man, you’ll get less of this shit happening.

@Goongoon

I’m afraid it’s because you’re single. Many men only respect women according to their status in relation to another man. If you ‘belong’ to a man, you’ll get less of this shit happening.

I think this may be true.

How can you stay friends with the husband after that?!

What do you say? Because I think it needs to be a firm ‘how dare you - you’re married’ and then cut the contact with the dude. Tell the women you want to spend more time with your female friends and do stuff alone. Cancel and tell them you want to see them not their husbands if they cancel for whatever reason.

I’m not insinuating it’s in any way your fault. I don’t think it is. I do think that you could probably do better at fostering the relationships with the women afterwards - unless I’m misunderstanding and actually you’ve told every woman what her husband is doing? Because if that’s the case I’m not sure you can do anything about that.

Yea I agree it’s because you’re single and therefore ‘fair game’. Also, due to your unthreatening nature you’re probably one of the only women these men socialise with for dinner or out with the lads etc when their wife can’t go. Ergo if they fancy an extra martial shag you’re the first person they think of. Your disinterest is probably also a challenge.

It’s shit but I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I don’t know what the solution is, I guess you could try mentioning on one of these lads nights about how some creepy married dude came onto you and how pathetic it was (make up a scenario from the past or something). Might stop any thoughts straying in your direction.

I sympathise op. I have nothing to add to the helpful advice above but I wanted to say don't be listening to the victim blaming going on.

Also I don't see why you should have to defend against the accusation that you're attractive. I'm sure you are.

I haven't had married men hitting on me to the extent you've described (I actually don't know of any men cheating full stop so it might be the circles I'm moving in) but many many times in the past I had unwelcome attention passes from 'friends' or coworkers or randomers.

Like you here I wondered if it was a message I was giving. I was also accused of enjoying it. It was horrible especially when I wanted a problem free life. It happened when I was single and when I was attached.

I don't have an answer for you except the fault lies with them.

This used to happen to me all the time OP when I was in my 20's because I was really hot then - not now I'm old and fat haha.
It's incredibly annoying. What I used to do was tell my husband of the time who was useless and did absolutely nothing and that having failed I was just really firm with the men in question, I made it plain I was not interested and that I felt it was insulting both to my husband and his wife. Of course then they accuse you of being a ball breaker. You can't win with this type of misogyny.

These men are the sort who would try it on with anyone. Men like this aren't that fussy.

In my experience men like this are often intimidated by beauty and attracted by vulnerability

That actually might ring true. I suspect that I'm seen by some as vulnerable as I've been single for so long. I'm also quite capable though and dont stand any nonsense. So whatever response they think they're going to get. They don't get it.

Like I say, I'm not flattered, I don't flirt in response, my first thought is along the lines of, "you're fucking kidding me?!!" and I shut them down immediately. I don't think for a second it's because I'm irresistible but clearly something is going on for me to experience it a lot but others to have never experienced it at all.

Tbh, I dont actually believe any of them have fallen in love with me! I can see how there might be a crush or two over the years but I think the majority are probably opportunistic. A couple have been very persistent.

I also get along well with men and enjoy the company of men and my interests are often shared more by men than women. So I dont want to exclude men from my social groups because some of them can't behave themselves. I find that it rarely happens the friendships that are solely group friendships. It seems to be when the friendships become closer.

I've made these friends through hobbies; children's after school activities; people I've got chatting to in my local; my child's friends' parents... all perfectly normal ways that are recommended for making friends!

It's just very frustrating when another good friendship falls by the wayside.

Never happened to me, resting bitch face is your friend

Unfortunately, there are quite a number of men out there who pull this shit.
It's not your fault.

Honestly i think its really hard to be genuine friends with most blokes, whether single or otherwise, because as soon as youre relaxed and friendly or open with them, they see it as a sign you want them, but being in a steady relationship yourself definitely offers some protection.

Unfortunately, there are a number of married men who see single women as ‘fair game’.
Their wives could look like Beyoncé and they would still cheat.

Why do some women get so angry if a female says that men have hit on her. Is it jealousy, insecurity or a bad dose of NAMALT? I’m no looker, flat chested and a boyish figure, but I used to get this as a younger woman. It stooped as I left my 30s then starred again when my husband died. A long term male friend, my sil’s ex and one of my husband’s brothers came onto me, within six months of my husband’s death. Many men see women as simply a hole that they can stick their dick in. It has nothing to do with being physically attractive.

Thankfully I also have some wonderful men in my life that have always treated me with respect, otherwise my past experiences would turn me against men altogether.

It's proximity. It's because they have an excuse to contact you and think they have an "in". As a PP said, also perceived vulnerability.

The solution is to socialise only with the female friend. Never give them an "in". It's obviously his fault and not yours, but it really is easier and more pleasant in life to avoid dealing with this particular chore at all.

Being single around married men is an eye opening and disappointing experience.

I've had it happen lots of times as well and I'm married and not remotely interested in any man but my DH.

When the men were my friends husbands I've ended up cooling the friendships,there was no other way around it,one's husband grabbed my backside and the other friends husband tried to kiss me and I'm not willing to put up with that shit and it was all them and not me,even if I was single I'd have had no interest in them!

Sadly I think it's either see your friends without they're husbands or try and make sure you not left alone with them,shit I know.

I have to be honest how I deal with this- I don't make new friends with men, since I was mid-twenties. I have lovely co-worker male friends who I might go to lunch with in work time, and am always chatty and nice to my friends' husbands- but I don't see them separately, alone, for dinners, nights out, cinema and stuff like that precisely for this reason a) because I don't think actually most middle-aged women like their husbands going out with other women and b) many middle-aged men are just ripe for any type of attention and I don't want to be put in that embarrassing situation.

I mainly have women friends, couple friends (but don't see the husband on my own, although would be fine with lifts, if we happen to meet, just wouldn't invite them out directly us two), and male friends I've known for decades so have sorted out any sexual tension issues just fine all those years ago.

It's a bit sad and shouldn't be like this, but if you meet a new male at the tennis club, invite them out, meet their wife and so forth, it all has the potential to go horribly wrong.

There's no point in saying, well, I'm not really pretty or anything- lots of men want attention and if you invite them out and do one to one activities with them, that's what happens.

I am very good at pretending I haven't noticed if anyone fancies me, and would deliberately use my body language/show disinterest- and I don't hang around alone with other people's husbands so the chances of declaring undying love is far less.

I feel quite sad typing this out, but I have lots of amazing female friends and see their husbands as part of the friendship package so still get to socialize with men.

It sounds like you get on well with men and women, hence going on lads nights out, husband only meals, where as I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this as although I'm not a massive girls girl, I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with the group of men. I have a friend who is similar, naturally pretty but she doesn't realise it, social butterfly with men and women, and I think men would find this appealing. I think the men find you appealing as you're easy to get on with... Probably doesn't happen as often so that's why they feel this attraction.
I think all you can do is avoid lads nights, husband meals, spend more time alone with the women. And then find some great single men to hang out with... Sounds like you'd have lots of options 😁 I'd suggest asking these friends if they know any single men for you and doing double dates but the husbands might get jealous!
Dissapointing that some husbands still behave this way, even when you clearly aren't flirting!!!!

This happened to me once when I was a perpetually single mum. I also had it from a man who helped me when my tyre blew out. He was a catholic priest (his name was 'Father Steve' - not very ecclesiatic) so I merrily hopped into his car with my kids in tow to be taken to a phone (it was pre smartphones and I was in rural America). He told me his life story and then started telling me how beautiful I was etc and basically pretty much proposed that I stay with him forever in some tiny backwater. (after spending the night in a hotel with him - not sure where my kids were supposed to go). This is a man who didn't have a wife, but was married to the church! I didn't get propositioned at all once I hooked up with my ex-partner (although he refused to believe that) and now I am too old to attract other womens' husbands - and in a relationship with a woman because I have kid of had enough of men

Yes, it’s mostly to do with sheer bloody male entitlement. When I worked in a local hotel bar as a teen/twenty something I and the other waitresses would get propositioned by married men almost every night. They do it because they can. They probably think that because you’re single you’re permanently gagging for it and they’re doing you a favour.

Goodness this has never happened to me. Then again I've never been out with any of my friends husbands - I see no reason to as I'm the womans friend, not her spouses.
Guess you just avoid any time you will be alone with the men, and if they try it on tell them the next time they do that you will tell their wife. Don't laugh it off, it's offensive, cruel, and dishonest in the extreme and you should let them know exactly how it is.

I seem to have a similar effect on married male colleagues, quite a few have come onto me over the years and I’m really no stunner/not naturally flirtatious even with people I do find attractive (and I have had zero attraction to any of them). I’ve also been in a relationship with my DH for 20 years, so I’m not even single like you (ie they assume I’ll cheat on DH with them).

Unfortunately I think it is just how some men behave - they probably try it with other women too, but because we don’t tell anyone we don’t realise how widespread it is. And no one tells their wives because like you they know they’d somehow get the blame.

Depressing really, and I don’t think you can stop it OP as it isn’t anything you’re doing to “cause” it.

This has only happened to me once, I was younger and it was a friend’s boyfriend now husband. He was very drunk and I was definitely not interested. I think he must’ve told her because the next day he apologised to me in front of her. I was embarrassed so I’m just pretended I had no idea what he was talking about and changed the subject.

A friend of mine gets hit on a lot by available and unavailable men. I think, even though she is very pretty and slim, the main reason is because she comes across as meek and mild. I think whoever was doing the hitting on would be fairly confident that she wouldn’t tell the wife. She also doesn’t seem to be able to tell the difference between friendliness and over-friendly slightly creepy behaviour.

Not that any of the above excuses the married men who made a move on her.

Never happened to me, resting bitch face is your friend

I'll have to work on that then!

These men are the sort who would try it on with anyone. Men like this aren't that fussy.

In some cases you are absolutely right and they are the ones who bother me less - men I don't know well; the ones where I'm primarily friends with the wife. That's just a bit of an eye roll and a "fuck off" but there have been a few where we've been close friends for years. People who've been more like family and who know me inside out. And then, wham, "I love you". Its all bollocks and while I'm sure there are many who are trying it on with everyone, I don't think it applies to all of them.

Isthisnothing I'm not aware of any cheating (current or historical) either, which is why it's always such a shock. And, presumably, if these women thought their partners were hitting on all.and sundry, they wouldn't trust them to be alone with me in the first place!

I guess you could try mentioning on one of these lads nights about how some creepy married dude came onto you and how pathetic it was

Tbf, I did something like that at the last one. We had a really good laugh. It was a great night and no nonsense. But I don't really want to go through life assuming it's going to happen either.

Because I think it needs to be a firm ‘how dare you - you’re married’ and then cut the contact with the dude.

When holidays and nights outs have been planned together? Its difficult. I dont want to draw attention to the fact something has happened.

Many men only respect women according to their status in relation to another man.

Sadly, I think that's the crux of it.

You know, it's really nice (well, not nice but I hope you'll know what I mean!) that this hasn't turned into one of those awful, sneering, you think you're so gorgeous threads that this topic is often reduced to and instead it is identified for what it is. Male entitlement.

@areyoubeingserviced

Unfortunately, there are a number of married men who see single women as ‘fair game’. Their wives could look like Beyoncé and they would still cheat.

True. In fact Beyoncé’s husband did cheat. Sometimes I think the men who have obviously ‘done well’ are the worst.