Friends' husbands making passes

[GettingItWrong]

I have lost a number of friendships with men and couple friendships over the past few years.

The friendships turn sour because, at some point, the man makes a pass of some description at me.

Ive had everything from a drunken move to kiss me when their wife is out of the room, to propositions for an affair to declarations of love.

Only one of these friendships has survived because his wife was a bloody star. She asked him directly if he had feelings for me, he said yes, they split up and she asked to meet me and told me she knew it was nothing I had done and she wanted to make sure we didnt lose our friendship because of him. It was awkward for a few months but now our friendship is stronger than ever. They have now reconciled and our friendships are (nearly) back on track.

Aside from that, I was friends with a couple for several years. We went on holidays together, our children were friends, we spent christmases together and then, BAM, he made a drunken pass at me. I turned him down. I didn't tell his wife for various reasons (I know she wouldn't ever leave him and I didn't want to put a bomb in the middle of it; I didn't want my family to lose their family; I didn't want to lose the friendships). Anyway, I rejected him, put it down to drink and it didnt happen again until 2 years later when he told me he loved me. Again I rejected him, tried to make light of it, I guess, but was also clear that he needed to sort out his own relationship and not drag me into it. All fine for a few months until he changed his behaviour towards me - made spiteful remarks about me when we were out if a man spoke to me; comments that I was 'ugly'; and eventually something happened and I haven't spoken to either of them since.

I don't make friends easily and these were the closest friendships I had.

I've had similar issues with male friends: some single, some married but where I don't know the wives.

I've never had an affair or been an affair partner. I don't flirt with married men. I don't feel flattered by it. I don't message the husbands/partners and always respond appropriately to any messages they send me (eg if it's the husband who messages to invite me over for the evening). I always make arrangements with the wife or I make a group WhatsApp chat to make plans and only ever message the men in that (eg if I ask to borrow something or answer a question they'd asked).

I'm perpetually single and, other than never socialising with couples, I don't know what I could do differently.

I'm aware I could tell their wives when they do it but I dont want to lose my friendships with them and, as I don't encourage it in any way, i figure that the onus is on the man to behave decently.

But i withdraw completely if its persistent.

Before anyone picks me up on this being only two friendships I've mentioned, that's because these are two friendships that were affected last year. There have been many more previously that have fallen by the wayside.

I've just become friends with another couple and I really don't want it to happen again.

What can I do that I might not be doing already to prevent this from happening? Might there be signals I'm sending that I'm unaware of?

The wives have never had an issue with me being friends with their husbands - I'm trusted precisely because I'm not a flirty person and I don't ever behave inappropriately around them.

[Bluntness100]

I’m not sure this is about being single. I think this is about being nice and friendly. Some blokes think if you’re friendly with them you’re up for it sadly enough. And blokes don’t make passes typically unless they think there is a fair chance you will say yes. Unless they are totally pissed or a complete arsehole.

Men don’t like rejection any more than women do. So they don’t make a pass, generally unless they think they have a chance. As such they are misinterpreting you’re being friendly and nice as you fancying them.

[Illdealwithitinaminute]

I don't think it means you are unattractive- being nice looking and being open and friendly is an attractive thing. Plus you like the company of men, you play guitar in a band, like those type of activities, I think there's just more opportunities to hit on you than if you stayed in a lot or only socialized with women. That's not your fault, but it can get tiresome. I find it easier now to adopt a defensive position than try to get out of difficult positions, however, perhaps I'm defensive needlessly, as I'm much older now and the idea men will hit on me is mainly in my own head!

[Roguesausage]

I love my children but I dont want to talk about them on a night out. I don't watch TV, I don't read 'womens' magazines, I don't go to the spa or the gym, i loathe shopping, I don't have elderly parents I'm caring for and I'm not on a diet. These seem to be the 'ins' for female conversation whatever it moves on to afterwards

That’s actually really fucking offensive, and I think we’re probably getting to the truth of your “problem” here. Your contempt and sexism towards these women is quite obvious.

And I don’t know how you’ve got the audacity to whine about being complicit. You are complicit or you’d cut them off. Instead you continue to spend time with them and say nothing.There’s something off about your behaviour. Who the fuck mates around with their friends husbands like this.

Totally inappropriate.

[Manolin]

Hmmm.

The longer this thread goes on it does seem to be that. There seems to be little appetite to faciliate a solution to the problem to which you posed two questions - What can I do that I might not be doing already to prevent this from happening? Might there be signals I'm sending that I'm unaware of?

The solutions are somewhat being delayed.

[famousforwrongreason]

@Mintjulia

Yes, it happens fairly regularly. I’ve been single a while and I no longer go anywhere where someone else’s husband is, unless there is a crowd present. No play dates, no drop offs or pickups, no swimming lessons. It’s not worth the grief.

It has coloured my view of middle aged men as well. What is wrong with them for God’s sake?

Yep me too. I've posted about this before and had loads of snide comments about how I must be irresistible or things like 'are you mila kunis?'.
For the record I am nothing like model material, neither do I flirt with or come on to people's husbands.
I know many women of all types, ages and sizes who experience the same thing.
And people commenting here that you shouldn't have any friends with husbands or be mixing with their husbands?! What the actual fuck?
So if one of them rapes the op then it's her fault for not only being friends with single women?
Fuck off.

[bakedoff]

Happened to me with my best mates husband. Every time I’d visit her, he’d make suggestive comments. He’s basically a changer. I’m there and he’s got nothing to lose. The comments can be written off as banter if challenged. It means I don’t now stay overnight and when I visit, I don’t spend any time alone with him. It’s shit because she’s been my mate for almost 25 years. I’d see him dead in a ditch before I’d risk my friendship with her. I’ll never tell her because why should that little wanker ruin decades old friendship. He’s always been a chancer and is very sneaky. It’s made me look at men in a more wary light to be honest.

[creaturcomforts]

This is surely just some men being a*holes isn't it? Believing there might be an opportunity and thinking its worth a shot?

I'd place men like this in the idiot category! It happens but it shouldn't and they really should be shamed instead of wondering why they do it.

[Notverybright]

I'm not naive. The only time I've been to the cinema, for example, with a married man, his wife suggested it and offered to have my daughter over for a sleep over to facilitate it. He was one who tried it on.

And it sounds a bit arrogant to say "nice idea but no thanks. I'm a bit worried your husband might hit on me!" when their wife has suggested it.

It sounds like she’s aware of his feelings and trying to palm him off onto you.

Honestly, I don’t think this is going to stop unless you either tell the wives or stop hanging out with the creeps who have hit on you. There’s no need to stop being friends with men, just stop being friends with the ones who are inappropriate. That’s what most people would do surely?

[GettingItWrong]

It sounds like she’s aware of his feelings and trying to palm him off onto you.

No, she was just confident he'd never cheat on her, and trusted that I wouldn't do anything like that either and she didn't want to see the film. She often sent us out to the pub and to gigs together because she didn't want to go and was confident no other women would hit on him because he was with me and they'd assume we were together. She would have all the children to facilitate it and they'd have a great time. I'd often stay over in the spare room afterwards and she and I would get up early and spend the morning drinking coffee and talking while he took the children out somewhere. Like I say, they were more like family.

There’s no need to stop being friends with men, just stop being friends with the ones who are inappropriate. That’s what most people would do surely?

I said right at the beginning that that is what I do. But the result is that I no longer have any close friendships. Well other than the one his wife and I worked really hard at salvaging. With people I've just met or don't know well, it's easy but when people have become so close that we're more like family, it's hard to just drop people.

This is surely just some men being aholes isn't it?*

I think so. I was a bit worried that I might be inadvertently doing something but as so many women have posted saying similar, I think it really is just them.

Frustrating though.

Who the fuck mates around with their friends husbands like this.

Can you tell me how I'm 'fucking around with my friends' husbands' exactly?

And, again, the men are my friends too.

I call them out on it if they say something; I withdraw from the friendship if they do something; i don't flirt; i don't see them outside of the 'couple' unless their wife is a) completely ok with it or b) has suggested it and, tbf, I see most of them in the couple but wives have to go to another room sometimes!

I had one male friend who asked if he could join me on a night out to a gig. I asked if his partner was ok with it and he said he probably wasn't going to tell her because he didn't want her to get the wrong idea. I said I had no problem with him coming along but he wasn't going to unless he told her and she was ok with it. He did, she was fine (I spoke to her). No problem in that instance. Oh, until I went round for dinner a few weeks later and he sent me a message afterwards... I'm hardly 'fucking about.'

And I'm not sure how you get 'man behaves inappropriately = woman's fault'.

[VivaMiltonKeynes]

There have been so many times when I've looked around a group of women who are saying how lucky they are that their husbands are faithful etc and I'm looking at them thinking "well yours, yours, yours and yours have all hit on me in the last 6 months..."

Really ? I have lived in various set ups through the years with different groups of friends and I have never heard of a situation like this . You don't sound like their friend and I would suggest you find some other singles friends or a man if this is your desire.

[Roguesausage]

Can you tell me how I'm 'fucking around with my friends' husbands' exactly?

I said mates around as you well know. I think It’s weird and inappropriate that you go out of your way to become “close friends”with other women’s husbands. And all this talk of being close and like family is childish and weird.

Man behaves inappropriately =women’s fault

You’ve been quite clear that it is actually the wives fault. You’ve gone into detail several times how the wives have suggested these nights out and you cant possibly say no.

There have been so many times when I've looked around a group of women who are saying how lucky they are that their husbands are faithful etc and I'm looking at them thinking "well yours, yours, yours and yours have all hit on me in the last 6 months..."

That’s not normal. It’s not normal you’re developing close friendships with these men. It’s not normal for every single one of them to try it on with you. And it’s not normal to be ok with it. I suspect you get a kick out of it.

[GettingItWrong]

You don't sound like their friend and I would suggest you find some other singles friends or a man if this is your desire.

Tbh, I'd just like friends who don't hit on me.

And again, how am I not their friend? I'm not actually doing anything.

I used to be in a close friendship group of single men and women. We'd go away for the weekends and to the theatre etc. No pairing up and completely platonic. A married male friend joined the group. We all went away for the weekend and he was far too 'interested'. I wasn't going to lose my friendship group because of him so just ignored it and hoped he'd get the message. A couple of weeks later, we all went to the pub. He tried kissing me at the end of the night. So even a singles friendship group wasn't foolproof.

A couple of years ago, I went to a party. I didn't know anyone, yet I recognised a man there who it turned out was the dad of a child my child knew. We got on well and our children knew each other so I said it would be nice to meet his wife and suggested we all went out for a drink. He agreed and said that his wife didnt have many friends in the area for a number of reasons and it would be nice for her to meet me too. Drink was arranged yet, she didn't turn up because he hadn't told her.

Married colleague at newish workplace wanted to organise a night out. Asked for my number (and that of another colleague in front of me) so he could get in touch. When it was all arranged, I asked him how many others were going. He said I was the only one. I didn't go.

Went for a drink in my local pub alone. I saw the husband of a woman I'm friends with. I knew him to say hello to so chatted to him at the bar for a while but when the conversation turned to his relationship not being great, i made my excuses and left.

Actually, I'm really pissed off now at what I've lost over the years friendshipwise because of these men.

[GettingItWrong]

It’s not normal for every single one of them to try it on with you. And it’s not normal to be ok with it

Well no, and it's not every single one. but it's well over half and it has been my closest friendships over the past couple of years. It's just frustrating and annoying and no I dont get a kick out of it and I'm not ok with it. I don't like it at all.

[Roguesausage]

He tried kissing me at the end of the night. So even a singles friendship group wasn't foolproof

He tried to kiss you in the pub in front of everyone despite the fact he was married? Or were you alone with him?

A couple of years ago, I went to a party. I didn't know anyone, yet I recognised a man there who it turned out was the dad of a child my child knew. We got on well and our children knew each other so I said it would be nice to meet his wife and suggested we all went out for a drink

You didn’t know anybody? Someone must have invited you? Was there no women there?

You don’t see how chatting to these men and all this talk of going out for drinks is being taken the wrong way?

This sort of thing does happen occasionally as people on this thread described. But when it’s happening all the time something’s wrong. I’ll maintain nights out with these men is inappropriate and you’d be better focusing on female friends.

[famousforwrongreason]

@Roguesausage

He tried kissing me at the end of the night. So even a singles friendship group wasn't foolproof

He tried to kiss you in the pub in front of everyone despite the fact he was married? Or were you alone with him?

A couple of years ago, I went to a party. I didn't know anyone, yet I recognised a man there who it turned out was the dad of a child my child knew. We got on well and our children knew each other so I said it would be nice to meet his wife and suggested we all went out for a drink

You didn’t know anybody? Someone must have invited you? Was there no women there?

You don’t see how chatting to these men and all this talk of going out for drinks is being taken the wrong way?

This sort of thing does happen occasionally as people on this thread described. But when it’s happening all the time something’s wrong. I’ll maintain nights out with these men is inappropriate and you’d be better focusing on female friends.

You don’t see how chatting to these men and all this talk of going out for drinks is being taken the wrong way?

Oh jesus.
Single woman chats to men and talks about drinks shocker!
The Puritans are here.
The misogyny is coming from inside the house

[trixiebelden77]

TBH I’d be more interested in why it is you only meet women who talk about diets and magazines.

That’s an extremely unusual experience you’re having. Why do you think it’s happening?

[GettingItWrong]

Not that I feel the need to explain myself, but in order to clarify...

He tried to kiss you in the pub in front of everyone despite the fact he was married? Or were you alone with him?

We were alone at the time. We'd parked our cars nearby each other - unintentionally. I'd arrived last and didn't even think about it. We walked back to our cars together because that's normal, and advised, at midnight. He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away, said nothing and pretty much ran back to my car.

You didn’t know anybody? Someone must have invited you? Was there no women there?

Other than the hosts, no, I didn't know anyone. Small house party on the other side of town, all couples except for me and this man who was there alone. We recognised each other and got talking.

Yes, I spoke to the other women (and men!) there but they all knew each other and were happy to stick with their friends. He didn't know anyone else very well himself so, once he'd done all the small talk with them, he was on his own too. It would have been more odd for us to ignore each other.

[Northernsoullover]

This has happened to me a few times too. I was single for ages so they probably thought I was 'gagging for it' one was the husband of one of my best friends and their marriage appeared to be and still appears to be solid. Its utterly depressing.

[GettingItWrong]

That’s an extremely unusual experience you’re having. Why do you think it’s happening?

I obviously provided a snapshot (and a wider one than you focused on) rather than providing details of every conversation I've ever had.

I have done 'women only' nights out but the conversations all seem to start or end up in the same place, wherever they go in the middle - diets; reassuring each other that we're looking good for our ages (40s and 50s); self deprecating comments about an extra few pounds here and there; what people are watching on TV; the children (whatever their ages) and lighthearted things their husbands have done that pissed them off that week that I can't contribute to. And those nights out are rare because they generally like to socialise as couples.

When I socialised with single female friends, it became tiresome because the focus seemed to be on finding men to flirt with.

Someone made an ascerbic comment upthread that I must think I'm 'better' than other women. Of course, I don't. But I've always had more male friends than female. Even at school and as a teenager when my mum used to tell me all the time I needed to be 'more like the other girls' (even if it meant pretending to be interested in stuff I wasn't). I've always played in bands; never been particularly interested in my appearance; always drunk beer rather than cocktails and wine (which some women - and men to be fair - have commented on). I do a lot of things on my own or with single male friends - eg go to gigs, festivals, weekends away and camping etc. I know a lot of women who don't do those things or won't do them without their husbands - even when I've suggested we do it together. Or they get arranged and then cancelled as caring responsibilities (understandably) takeover. I don't know any single women now. So, yes, lots of socialising as families or 'couples'. I'd love to do those things with female friends tbh with you.

A lot of women bond over shopping (I've been invited on shopping trips by women I've met) and I hate shopping. I do all my clothes shopping online (or quickly and strictly alone) as I find being in shops stressful. It's neither a pleasant nor a relaxing experience for me. I don't like massages or beauty treatments so invitations to spa days are also problematic. I've tried it and I don't particularly enjoy being touched by strangers! So I don't participate in those when groups of female friends have done them. Plus, the female friends I have are either largely quite similar to me; have similar interests and prefer mixed company, or don't really socialise without their husbands. And, because of that, we don't really do much separately from the men. We all hang out together when we do.

Oh jesus.
Single woman chats to men and talks about drinks shocker!
The Puritans are here.
The misogyny is coming from inside the house

Thanks! I'm surprised that there are so many women who think the issue is me talking to men and not men hitting on women who aren't their wives. Almost like it's inevitable; almost like they hold women responsible for men's behaviour...

The irony is, I'm perpetually single because very few single men have ever shown any interest.

[Aerial2020]

You have a hell of a social life!!
How are you meeting all these friends?
You went to a party and didn't know anyone?
Never mind the blokes trying it on, this is all a bit weird

[metalkprettyoneday]

I think not knowing people at a party happens easily -you know someone , they invite you to their housewarming for example, and they’ve invited their colleagues, neighbours, friends, partner’s friend’s. It’s quite likely you wouldn’t know all those people.

[GettingItWrong]

I think not knowing people at a party happens easily -you know someone , they invite you to their housewarming for example, and they’ve invited their colleagues, neighbours, friends, partner’s friend’s. It’s quite likely you wouldn’t know all those people.

Exactly. We did a hobby together. I'd known them about 3 months. The other people there were old friends and colleagues.

Although, my social life does sound a lot more exciting than it is in reality... I'm recounting things - friendships and incidents dating back over the past 10 years.

Prior to that, for various reasons, I barely had any friends at all. I made a conscious effort to get out, meet people and cultivate friendships through hobbies, music and my children.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@metalkprettyoneday

I think not knowing people at a party happens easily -you know someone , they invite you to their housewarming for example, and they’ve invited their colleagues, neighbours, friends, partner’s friend’s. It’s quite likely you wouldn’t know all those people.

You'd have to be pretty confident to accept such an invitation though. I have done in the past, but now I will only go if there are mutual friends and I find the same thing happens when I offer invitations - people will only accept if they know a few others going.

[Aerial2020]

So over 10 years these men have been making a pass at you?

[GettingItWrong]

You'd have to be pretty confident to accept such an invitation though. I have done in the past, but now I will only go if there are mutual friends and I find the same thing happens when I offer invitations - people will only accept if they know a few others going.

Not that it's relevant but I had a really shit year the previous year and decided to spend the next 12 months pushing myself outside my comfort zone and doing things I wouldn't normally have done in a bit of a 'grab life while you can' phase.

This particular couple and I started a hobby on the same night. I saw them as I approached the entrance to the building, asked them if I was in the right place, they said they didn't know - it was their first time too and, as I was alone, they invited me to join them at their table.

We got to know each other over the next few weeks and they asked if I wanted to come to their small gathering. They acknowledged that we didn't know each other well but assured me all their friends were lovely and I thought "why not?"

Also, you and I are different people. Your choices are not a blueprint for everyone's.