DH has given me an ultimatum

[tempusername22]

He has decreed that I am obsessed by my phone and said that if I don't address it, our marriage is over as he doesn't want to be married to someone who would rather use her phone than spend time with him. We live in a small apartment a long way from our families, DC have left home. We both work full time. Apart from work, we spend over 95% of our time together (I sometimes meet friends for coffee or book club, he very rarely goes out unless it's a work thing, and those aren't happening right now anyway).

I don't use Facebook, but do use Twitter (I'm a teacher and have made a lot of useful connections through there, including being part of a software development trial which will benefit my school and becoming a tutor for an online course, which has paid me over £1000). I've recently started learning two relevant and useful languages on Duolingo. In the past, I have deleted apps that I felt were too 'compulsive'. I tend to use the phone to read the news or play a short game when we are in the car, but never have it on the dinner table at home or out, but might use it in a cafe if DH is on his or I'm updating the shopping list etc. I'll take it out if I'm hanging around in a clothes shop while he tries something on or he has gone to the toilet in the shopping centre. He says 'Every time I emerge from somewhere, you are on it.' The car and the shops are probably the easiest times to stop using it as I feel like he needs to really see the difference right now.

I don't get a screen time report but I just looked it up and it says the average is 2h 40 mins - bear in mind that this is during school holidays so it would be less if I was at work. I drive to work so don't use it when commuting, but I listen to audiobooks and podcasts when exercising, shopping on my own and when driving on my own. I also have work emails on there plus work and work-related WhatsApp groups.

I've done three online smartphone addiction quizzes, 2 said yes you have a problem, the third said no. I answered yes to do you keep it by the bed, because I charge it there, but we both do. I also answered yes to do you message people more than talking face to face, and that's also yes due to covid and geography and time zones and being at home alone a lot right now.

I'm absolutely prepared to address this, as I don't want my marriage to end. However, I am sometimes using it purely for entertainment to stave off boredom. I'm not a party animal but we very rarely go out in the evenings, so we eat about 7.30 and then we're in our pjs for the night. The tv is always on and we have some shared tastes, some not so much (rugby and police programmes, especially). DH is really into music and I'd rather read, so if we're home on a weekend he will often watch music videos on tv and I will read or use my phone.

I told him that I would like us to have one tv-free night a week and that I don't want to tell him not to watch the things he wants to watch but that if I'm not interested in it I will do something else like read or use my phone. In the row he said at one point 'I don't know what you use it for' and at another that it was due to social media use, which it isn't, and I challenged that because he can't say he doesn't know and then tell me what the problem is. In lockdown my friend lent me a 1000 piece puzzle, which he helped a little with, but also complained that he had 'lost' me to that. I really enjoyed doing it but didn't do it 24/7.

At one point I was almost playing argument bingo - these things always come up:
I earn XXXXXX and that's why I have to have my work phone and be available 24/7
Your salary isn't enough to pay the rent here
Has this been an issue in previous relationships
Has anyone said this to you before
I'm not having another relationship where I'm treated like xxx
I don't need your income/intellect
You're treating me like I'm an idiot
I can manage perfectly well by myself (e.g. cooking etc)
I moved here so that we could spend more time together but not for this

This has been an issue several times over the last few years (we've lived here 2 years now). He accepts that I have gone some way to addressing it but says it's not enough, and that I am not the sort of person who should need to be asked more than once so clearly I don't care. It was a very one-sided row that lasted about 3 hours and involved dinner going in the bin. He's been really short with me the last few days so I guess this was brewing. He left for work this morning and I had a terse 'I'm going' and that was it.

He insists he doesn't want me to feel like I can't use my phone and it doesn't need to be out of reach, but when at home I just need to manage how I use it better. Although I think he is over-reacting, and there are underlying issues from his previous relationship, I definitely do not want this to be the end of our marriage so I will sort it out. I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don't die of boredom on the sofa every night. He said if it's not your phone it's your tablet/laptop, but all of my reading takes place on a device e.g. Kindle or tablet. I feel like he doesn't 'do' anything - apart from the gym, which we used to do together but this is tricky now that every other treadmill is out of use so we stagger our visits at the moment - so once at home if he's not doing domestic stuff or work stuff, there's only the tv. He doesn't read, plays the guitar but very infrequently, and has no hobbies.

Don't say LTB, it's not happening and I wouldn't over this - although he has said I can move out and then I can use my phone as much as I want. He's angry but also said he's very unhappy, and I don't want to be the cause of that.

Sorry it's so long!

I’d be miffed at that amount of phone usage too.
Sounds like you are both bored of each other.

I was all set to say excessive phone use is very annoying and agree with your DH until you mentioned your actual usage. That is not a lot at all. And coupled with his comments to you about earnings and doing as your told etc etc I would say this is more about him keeping you in line than the phone usage. If you control your phone usage it will just be something else your doing wrong.

Try and not use your phone when he is around for a few days as an experiment and I bet he'll find another thing that you're doing wrong and there will be a fresh ultimatum about that.

His attitude and comments to you are far more damaging that a bit of twitter use.

Well personally I’d be telling him to get a grip but if you don’t want him to be angry or unhappy and you don’t want to split up then you’ll have to comply. Wouldn’t be a precedent I’d want to set personally.

I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don’t die of boredom on the sofa every night

Have you told him that and if so what did he say?

To be honest OP he just sounds quite horrible to me and not like a good partner at all, but if you don’t want to split up or even to make him angry/unhappy there’s a limit to what you can do.

So he wants you all to himself all the time? I'd be so cross. Yes it sounds like you're a bit bored, now things are reopening can you look for a class or course or exercise. It'd be something without him though, I'd not put my phone down to watch him music videos and have my salary insulted. Fuck that.

You have a choice op it is your dh or your phone.

How could he be clearer? He is saying he feels lonely and wishes to spend more time with you.

Be clear about your needs, perhaps you need to start going out more so you are not stuck at home every night? Have a games night/date night/movie night once a week? Dinner out twice a week? A joint sports activity? You sound stuck in rut if I am honest, you checked out on your phone every night, he is sat there watching mindless TV.

I would agree a time when phones are left elsewhere, in our house it is 6pm then you spend time together. If you find you can't leave your phone there for the evening, every evening then you may have to address the fact you do have an addiction. Do it for at least a month and see what happens.

This does not need to come between you.

I think you need to tell him you care, you love him enough to agree to this. I would not let a phone come between me and my dh. I would not be impressed if my dh sat on his phone every night, it would really upset me actually. It creates an air of total indifference and neglect.

So agree a limit and organise some interesting nights (his job too of course!) and see how it goes.

You use it for 2 hours and 40 minutes a day? I don’t think that’s excessive, to be honest. But it sounds as if you could both benefit from spending real quality time together, instead of your defaults. Card games, cooking together, going for walks, diy projects? We do seem to lose our connection a bit with these little screens.

You dont use it that often its not like your mindlessly scrolling you earn money learn another language talk to your friends it sounds productive stuff

Can you afford to live without him? Maybe a trial separation see how that goes? He sounds a bit intense

Honestly it sounds hugely controlling on his part. Like he wants you to be waiting for his attention at all times and to be a reflection of himself, like what he likes, do what he does. Although it sounds like he uses his phone quite a bit too.

Also sounds like he doesn't trust you.

I would not kowtow to his crap, tbh. You're entitled to amuse and entertain yourself in your downtime and as long as you're not ignoring him when he speaks, he needs to get over himself.

You say you rarely go out in the evenings, did this develop since you met him? What did you do for social activities and fun before him?

He’s controlling. He wants your 24/7 attention! Sounds to me like the problem is with him. He needs to get some hobbies!

OP it sounds like theres other issues than the actual phone use, he's just taking whatever frustrations out on you. We live in 2020, eeeeeeeverything is on our phones, games, contacts, work stuff, fun stuff, photos, its a huge part of life! X

Sorry, I'm not remotely impressed with his attitude, demands or behaviour.

It's all centred on him and his wants.

He wants you to do what HE wants all the time, without really changing anything he does to accommodate you. He wants you to focus on him as the most important thing in your life - and he wants you to acknowledge that too.

Sounds like a controlling shitty narc thing to do, IMO.

Up to you if you want to put up with it, but I'd be looking at some "give back" from him if he's demanding this of you - and if I didn't get it, then I'd know exactly how unimportant MY needs in this relationship were, and I'd think twice about subjugating them to it being All About Him.

Why do you not go out together? Is that his decision or yours?

It sounds like it’s not really about the phone if he’s on his own phone a lot and he also complained he was losing you to a jigsaw. I think if you throw your phone away entirely he’ll only find something else to feel annoyed by.

Sounds very controlling.

I agree with pp, I think even if you got rid of the phone, he would find something else.

No way I would be spoken to and treated like that

Yep, he didn't like the jigsaw. If you read a physical book, I bet he doesn't like that much either?

What he wants if for you to sit waiting for his attention like this.

Is he controlling about anything else? Bringing up salaries, intellect, and being able to manage without you in a disagreement sounds awful OP, that’s not how you deserve to be treated

Have you told him you’re bored of sitting on the sofa every night?

Constant TV would drive me bonkers - at least you’re doing something constructive (networking, learning a language, etc).

Although I must admit that I hate it when you leave someone for two seconds (ie to go to the toilet) and when they come back they’ve got their phone out.

He sounds controlling at worst and pathetically needy and whiny at best,

Tell him he’s right, maybe you do use it too much, that you obviously need a new hobby and that Jane from work has suggested you both take up running/bridge so you’re going to start meeting her twice a week for 2 hours at a time and see how he reacts.

It’s not about the phone, he just wants you to jump when he clicks.

I think he sounds a bit paranoid honestly, 2 hours 40 minutes isn't really excessive especially when you're together 95% of the time out of work. He doesn't mind watching what he wants, but you aren't allowed to do what you want?

You are using your phone effectively and educationally. I currently ask my husband multiple times a day “what’s a country/football club/mammal begins with k”. I am a fucking adult and if I choose to spend my day playing shit games, then so be it 😂
You have a massive dickhead husband problem.

I am not sure it is controlling to ask to spend more time together?!
The phone has been an issue before.
Is it particularly nice to sit there and completely ignore someone whilst you play on your phone? I don't think he is being unreasonable.

What is there to say really? He's decided you either give up the phone or he's leaving. You 'LTB' is, you say, out of the question.

So give up using your phone and simply gaze lovingly at him every hour of the day, giving him all your attention. What else is there to do?

he's very unhappy, and I don't want to be the cause of that come on girl, you are not responsible for his happiness. He sounds very insipid, yet he manages to control you. Such luck. Do you really want this?