DH has given me an ultimatum

[tempusername22]

He has decreed that I am obsessed by my phone and said that if I don't address it, our marriage is over as he doesn't want to be married to someone who would rather use her phone than spend time with him. We live in a small apartment a long way from our families, DC have left home. We both work full time. Apart from work, we spend over 95% of our time together (I sometimes meet friends for coffee or book club, he very rarely goes out unless it's a work thing, and those aren't happening right now anyway).

I don't use Facebook, but do use Twitter (I'm a teacher and have made a lot of useful connections through there, including being part of a software development trial which will benefit my school and becoming a tutor for an online course, which has paid me over £1000). I've recently started learning two relevant and useful languages on Duolingo. In the past, I have deleted apps that I felt were too 'compulsive'. I tend to use the phone to read the news or play a short game when we are in the car, but never have it on the dinner table at home or out, but might use it in a cafe if DH is on his or I'm updating the shopping list etc. I'll take it out if I'm hanging around in a clothes shop while he tries something on or he has gone to the toilet in the shopping centre. He says 'Every time I emerge from somewhere, you are on it.' The car and the shops are probably the easiest times to stop using it as I feel like he needs to really see the difference right now.

I don't get a screen time report but I just looked it up and it says the average is 2h 40 mins - bear in mind that this is during school holidays so it would be less if I was at work. I drive to work so don't use it when commuting, but I listen to audiobooks and podcasts when exercising, shopping on my own and when driving on my own. I also have work emails on there plus work and work-related WhatsApp groups.

I've done three online smartphone addiction quizzes, 2 said yes you have a problem, the third said no. I answered yes to do you keep it by the bed, because I charge it there, but we both do. I also answered yes to do you message people more than talking face to face, and that's also yes due to covid and geography and time zones and being at home alone a lot right now.

I'm absolutely prepared to address this, as I don't want my marriage to end. However, I am sometimes using it purely for entertainment to stave off boredom. I'm not a party animal but we very rarely go out in the evenings, so we eat about 7.30 and then we're in our pjs for the night. The tv is always on and we have some shared tastes, some not so much (rugby and police programmes, especially). DH is really into music and I'd rather read, so if we're home on a weekend he will often watch music videos on tv and I will read or use my phone.

I told him that I would like us to have one tv-free night a week and that I don't want to tell him not to watch the things he wants to watch but that if I'm not interested in it I will do something else like read or use my phone. In the row he said at one point 'I don't know what you use it for' and at another that it was due to social media use, which it isn't, and I challenged that because he can't say he doesn't know and then tell me what the problem is. In lockdown my friend lent me a 1000 piece puzzle, which he helped a little with, but also complained that he had 'lost' me to that. I really enjoyed doing it but didn't do it 24/7.

At one point I was almost playing argument bingo - these things always come up:
I earn XXXXXX and that's why I have to have my work phone and be available 24/7
Your salary isn't enough to pay the rent here
Has this been an issue in previous relationships
Has anyone said this to you before
I'm not having another relationship where I'm treated like xxx
I don't need your income/intellect
You're treating me like I'm an idiot
I can manage perfectly well by myself (e.g. cooking etc)
I moved here so that we could spend more time together but not for this

This has been an issue several times over the last few years (we've lived here 2 years now). He accepts that I have gone some way to addressing it but says it's not enough, and that I am not the sort of person who should need to be asked more than once so clearly I don't care. It was a very one-sided row that lasted about 3 hours and involved dinner going in the bin. He's been really short with me the last few days so I guess this was brewing. He left for work this morning and I had a terse 'I'm going' and that was it.

He insists he doesn't want me to feel like I can't use my phone and it doesn't need to be out of reach, but when at home I just need to manage how I use it better. Although I think he is over-reacting, and there are underlying issues from his previous relationship, I definitely do not want this to be the end of our marriage so I will sort it out. I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don't die of boredom on the sofa every night. He said if it's not your phone it's your tablet/laptop, but all of my reading takes place on a device e.g. Kindle or tablet. I feel like he doesn't 'do' anything - apart from the gym, which we used to do together but this is tricky now that every other treadmill is out of use so we stagger our visits at the moment - so once at home if he's not doing domestic stuff or work stuff, there's only the tv. He doesn't read, plays the guitar but very infrequently, and has no hobbies.

Don't say LTB, it's not happening and I wouldn't over this - although he has said I can move out and then I can use my phone as much as I want. He's angry but also said he's very unhappy, and I don't want to be the cause of that.

Sorry it's so long!

For all the people agreeing re: the screen time, how do you explain the problem with the jigsaw?
I think that shows it up for what it really is, him not wanting OP to do anything, except be available to him whenever he so requires

2.5 hours a day is not a lot of screen time. It's just not.

Your phone use sounds completely normal to me - Infact it’s probably less than mine - and it shows you have many interests and a busy life and enjoy organising a lot of life via your phone which Is fine and very helpful at times ( ie shopping lists etc )
I don’t think you’re in the wrong . He sounds a bit controlling or at least jealous that your attention seems diverted away from him and onto your phone instead .
My ex had big issues about my phone use , I was barely on it back then but he took offence every time I was using it and used to say I had a big issue . I think some people get easily insulted by others’ use of their phones and feel left out - it’s hard to describe . Often it would be things like emailing the children’s schools, ordering something we needed , ie not even entirely personal , but I felt that he just assumed I was chatting to people / enjoying myself in a way which wasn’t inclusive of him. He turned out to be EA though , so that was just one way to make me feel bad .
I personally don’t feel you need to change or apologise , but if you want to make an effort and meet him half way , perhaps try adjusting one or two things and see if he notices ( and importantly, appreciates the change ) , but don’t allow him to make you consistently feel you’re in the wrong and use it as a lever to gain some kind of control over the things you enjoy . I think your phone use seems justified .

For all the people agreeing re: the screen time, how do you explain the problem with the jigsaw?

If someone spends 2.5 hours on their phone, and then switches to a jigsaw how is that any better, he still has zero engagement, eye contact, conversation or contribution. Unless he is massively into jigsaws.

If you are the one hoping to spend time with someone else, and they switch to another solitary activity that just consolidates your feelings of isolation.

@tempusername22

In the row he said at one point 'I don't know what you use it for'
Did you tell him exactly what you use your screen time on - as clearly as you have done here?

Does he suspect you of having an extra-marital relationship when you are not directly engaging with him or sitting watching a TV programme he's chosen you have no interest in?

I don't need your income/intellect
That was pretty rude and dismissive of him - what was your response to him on this?

What is he willing to suggest and also compromise on so you both have mutually enjoyable focussed couples time (not just bedroom-related couples time). You suggested one night a week without TV - did he willingly agree? You've already identified not using your phone when in the car with him so that's a start. But do you actually have a conversation anyway?

Is there enough in the relationship currently for the two of you to sit down together and discuss, with no agenda on either side apart from improving your relationship to your mutual satisfaction?

Hope the two of you can make this work and be happy together, OP.

If most of the answers are not in the positive I can't see what there is to save, I'm afraid. 🌹

Are you on it a lot because he's a crap conversationalist / no fun / not engaging you? Maybe look at the reasons, if this is the cause, maybe it's a communication issue on his part instead / as well.

The usage doesn't sound excessive.

However, he sounds controlling and uncompromising.

Sadly, it could quite literally be that the honeymoon period is over and this is his true colours. Or he could have an underlying MH condition. But either way he's purposely manipulating and trying to control you.

I'd pick the phone.

So it's the phone, the puzzle, what next...

Start reading a book....

If he has a problem with that, you have a lost cause

Tbh I think this is really hard to call by reading it as an outsider. On the one hand his behaviour sounds like it could be controlling, but on the other phone use can absolutely kill relationships and you can only really tell by being in the situation just how disconnected one partner comes across. It sounds like that's what he thinks of you, and he could be right.

The simple fix would be to agree to use your phone less but also agree to try and do/watch things that interest both of you in the evenings (or at least the majority of them).

The more complicated fix I would say would be some sort of counselling, it sounds like you're both bottling up some feelings about the relationship and are not on the same page right now. It doesn't sound like this would go away if you just stopped using the phone as much, it seems like a wider issue.

Are you on it a lot because he's a crap conversationalist / no fun / not engaging you? Maybe look at the reasons, if this is the cause, maybe it's a communication issue on his part instead / as well.

Why is it down to OP? If he is crap at conversation/not fun/not engaging her then it is entirely down to him to 'look at the reasons' for his issues.

He’s a control freak. He’s trying to control you.

Trust me OP, if it wasn’t the phone it would be something else.

Tread very carefully with this man. I’m 100% convinced this has nothing to do with your phone.

There seems to be a few issues here to say the least! Do you think he is getting frustrated with Lockdown ,and taking it out on you? I can see both sides ,but if he wants you all to himself and at his disposal thats not on! However can you find some more common ground even on TV?If he likes Rugby, and Music /Police shows, and you are on your phone at the W/E or reading on your kindle thats not giving any common bonding time really! I dont like Sport (mostly Football here!) but would like some Police shows or Music as well .Maybe meet him halfway as you dont want to separate .You say you have learnt languages and are on the Kindle reading as well!Thats quite a lot of screen time really! Can you maybe go out for Lunch perhaps or an early supper ?(Mon Tues Wed still half price till end August!)TBH it seems like you are in a bit of a rut here .We have a dog and take her out together and on our own as well .If you spend lots of time indoors its very easy to grab the phone for an SM chat such as FB or MN of course! Maybe a small dog ? If not what about a cycle ride together ?Our town has bikes you can rent cheaply,and no storage issues .Perhaps a few days away if you can manage it .These will all get you out and have fresh things to discuss .

So I would be giving him one, kick the attitude to the kerb and listen to me

Then I would explain again what you have said here, that you use a tablet instead of a book for reading, that you don’t want to watch the same tv programmes as him, that yes you could reduce your phone timed but you use it for shopping lists, etc etc, but what is he going to do to improve your marriage? What is he going to do with you to spend quality time together? Maybe have a couple of evenings if playing board games if you can’t go out, or jigsaws,

It cant be all one way and he needs to understand that

Still not commenting on his jibes I see friends

Thanks all, I'm still here, but the morning has been busy.

Although DH went out to work in a huff, he had a free hour and came back home a couple of hours later so we could talk. He was calm and handled things much better than he did last night. He apologised for that. We agreed to have a no TV evening once a week and I might also research some board games that require strategy rather than general knowledge (he's really smart but I have two Masters degrees and my brain is a general knowledge sponge, so he is sensitive about my perceived intellect).

When we are a little bit past this, I will address the way in which he raises my salary (which is commensurate with my seniority and experience in my field, but my field doesn't compare with international commerce) in these situations.

He stressed very firmly this morning that he absolutely does not want me to stop using my phone, just to manage it better and engage with him more. There is no issue with me reading at any time and especially when he's engaged with something else.

We already spend a great deal of time together, go to the gym regularly and often run together too. I suggested that we go to Spanish classes in the evenings some time ago, as we plan to retire to a place where Spanish will be useful, but as we are not close to retirement yet he argued that he will forget it if we start learning too soon before we need it - I feel that you would just get more fluent! Cinemas here are open but as yet there isn't anything that appeals. He is not motivated by volunteering at all. Later we will talk about what our no-TV evenings might look like.

It is not clear what he does want.

If you want to stay both need to set some clear rules. At this time on these days you will be spending time together. At this time on these days you will be doing x together. Outside these times you can do what you want.
Without clear rules everytime you are on your phone - no matter how legitmately will become an irritation for him.

BTW complaining because you are on the phone when he is in a changing room is really batshit of him.

Start reading a book...If he has a problem with that, you have a lost cause

Completely agree with that sentiment. Phones are relationship killers for sure, they rob of us of time with dh and dc and he may/may not have a point on that one, but if he has a problem with everything it IS a lost cause.

Only you can answer that op.

Why are you sitting in front of the TV at 19.30 each night.....go for a walk after your meal instead.
The evenings are light, Rishi is paying you to go out to eat....Mon,Tues, Wed, so do that.
Sounds like you fill your time, getting work opportunities on your phone and learning languages, and he's a bit of a controlling bore.

Think you need to start 'date nights'. Schedule time when you spend time together doing something with no phones. Also the dh needs to find ways to amuse himself that are not dependent on you.

myrtle Pages and pages ago I posted that I imagine he is getting frustrated it is spilling into other areas, hence the comments, he is no longer handling it very well.
If something is making you deeply unhappy for years and years, and is unanswered and unresolved it is likely to cause malaise and resentment.

Its good that he has apologised to you .Glad you are feeling a little better now .I must admit when I read your post I thought you were nearing Retirement age! However if you can sort these issues out now this will bode well for your future together .Keep up with the running and maybe see if he may reconsider a Spanish evening class .(Maybe both make a few new friends while there!)

We are overseas and it's incredibly hot and humid here, plus dark by 7.30pm. It makes outdoor stuff quite difficult for a few more months, and Rishi isn't doing anything for us!

Agreed that it doesn’t seem to be clear what he wants. Which usually means that he doesn’t actually want to spend more quality time with you doing x, y, z...

...he just doesn’t like the thought that you are getting some of that quality time without involving him.

It’s a him problem not a phone problem. He’s insecure, and he’s presumably insecure at least partly because he sounds pretty boring.

There's a degree of coercion involved in what people can do in your absence and your presence.

And your screen time sounds relatively modest to have scored 'yes' in an addiction quiz (the problem with those can be that it's reasonable for other people to complain about addictive behaviours but their testimonies aren't reliable if they are coercive, controlling, or not wholly reasonable). The more so given that you're learning and earning with that time.