DH has given me an ultimatum

[tempusername22]

He has decreed that I am obsessed by my phone and said that if I don't address it, our marriage is over as he doesn't want to be married to someone who would rather use her phone than spend time with him. We live in a small apartment a long way from our families, DC have left home. We both work full time. Apart from work, we spend over 95% of our time together (I sometimes meet friends for coffee or book club, he very rarely goes out unless it's a work thing, and those aren't happening right now anyway).

I don't use Facebook, but do use Twitter (I'm a teacher and have made a lot of useful connections through there, including being part of a software development trial which will benefit my school and becoming a tutor for an online course, which has paid me over £1000). I've recently started learning two relevant and useful languages on Duolingo. In the past, I have deleted apps that I felt were too 'compulsive'. I tend to use the phone to read the news or play a short game when we are in the car, but never have it on the dinner table at home or out, but might use it in a cafe if DH is on his or I'm updating the shopping list etc. I'll take it out if I'm hanging around in a clothes shop while he tries something on or he has gone to the toilet in the shopping centre. He says 'Every time I emerge from somewhere, you are on it.' The car and the shops are probably the easiest times to stop using it as I feel like he needs to really see the difference right now.

I don't get a screen time report but I just looked it up and it says the average is 2h 40 mins - bear in mind that this is during school holidays so it would be less if I was at work. I drive to work so don't use it when commuting, but I listen to audiobooks and podcasts when exercising, shopping on my own and when driving on my own. I also have work emails on there plus work and work-related WhatsApp groups.

I've done three online smartphone addiction quizzes, 2 said yes you have a problem, the third said no. I answered yes to do you keep it by the bed, because I charge it there, but we both do. I also answered yes to do you message people more than talking face to face, and that's also yes due to covid and geography and time zones and being at home alone a lot right now.

I'm absolutely prepared to address this, as I don't want my marriage to end. However, I am sometimes using it purely for entertainment to stave off boredom. I'm not a party animal but we very rarely go out in the evenings, so we eat about 7.30 and then we're in our pjs for the night. The tv is always on and we have some shared tastes, some not so much (rugby and police programmes, especially). DH is really into music and I'd rather read, so if we're home on a weekend he will often watch music videos on tv and I will read or use my phone.

I told him that I would like us to have one tv-free night a week and that I don't want to tell him not to watch the things he wants to watch but that if I'm not interested in it I will do something else like read or use my phone. In the row he said at one point 'I don't know what you use it for' and at another that it was due to social media use, which it isn't, and I challenged that because he can't say he doesn't know and then tell me what the problem is. In lockdown my friend lent me a 1000 piece puzzle, which he helped a little with, but also complained that he had 'lost' me to that. I really enjoyed doing it but didn't do it 24/7.

At one point I was almost playing argument bingo - these things always come up:
I earn XXXXXX and that's why I have to have my work phone and be available 24/7
Your salary isn't enough to pay the rent here
Has this been an issue in previous relationships
Has anyone said this to you before
I'm not having another relationship where I'm treated like xxx
I don't need your income/intellect
You're treating me like I'm an idiot
I can manage perfectly well by myself (e.g. cooking etc)
I moved here so that we could spend more time together but not for this

This has been an issue several times over the last few years (we've lived here 2 years now). He accepts that I have gone some way to addressing it but says it's not enough, and that I am not the sort of person who should need to be asked more than once so clearly I don't care. It was a very one-sided row that lasted about 3 hours and involved dinner going in the bin. He's been really short with me the last few days so I guess this was brewing. He left for work this morning and I had a terse 'I'm going' and that was it.

He insists he doesn't want me to feel like I can't use my phone and it doesn't need to be out of reach, but when at home I just need to manage how I use it better. Although I think he is over-reacting, and there are underlying issues from his previous relationship, I definitely do not want this to be the end of our marriage so I will sort it out. I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don't die of boredom on the sofa every night. He said if it's not your phone it's your tablet/laptop, but all of my reading takes place on a device e.g. Kindle or tablet. I feel like he doesn't 'do' anything - apart from the gym, which we used to do together but this is tricky now that every other treadmill is out of use so we stagger our visits at the moment - so once at home if he's not doing domestic stuff or work stuff, there's only the tv. He doesn't read, plays the guitar but very infrequently, and has no hobbies.

Don't say LTB, it's not happening and I wouldn't over this - although he has said I can move out and then I can use my phone as much as I want. He's angry but also said he's very unhappy, and I don't want to be the cause of that.

Sorry it's so long!

He needs an activity/hobby that isn't you. He's too focused on nit-picking what you're doing. Could you plan a foreign holiday for next year and he learn the language? Or get him volunteering in an area that interests him - sport, wildlife, homeless, church.

@Friendsoftheearth - perhaps you'd like to include this comment from the OP since you're championing her husband so strongly
"I need some sort of engagement from him so that I don't die of boredom on the sofa every night."

He doesn't fucking SPEND TIME with her, he wants to watch tv while she either watches tv or watches him watching tv. He doesn't want her reading on her kindle , tablet or phone, while he's watching tv.

He sounds very insecure, needy and controlling! Maybe he should get a puppy if he wants undivided attention.

Take away the actual phone for a minute, basically he's moaning because you are working, learning languages, doing research, exercising and talking to people. That's not good! The current situation just means more of this is relying on technology.

Tread carefully here. It shouldn't be just about what he wants and it's a slippery slope to pandering to just his needs.

What a dilemma eh!
Which one can you not live without: your phone or a man?

Op sits on her own night after night whilst dh is constantly on his phone and he ignores her. She feels sad her marriage has come to this, she wants to talk to him, to feel loved by him, watch a film together but he is always trying to find a way to be on his phone.

except that's not turning it around it's making up a completely different scenario.

Waiting for someone trying on clothes (or doing something else you're not involved in) is tedious. I usually whip out my phone. I used to have a book in my handbag but a phone is a lot more convenient. It was not unusual, however, for me to be reading when my DH (or whoever i was with) to emerge from a shop/toilet break/something i wasn't actually doing with them to find my head buried in a book. Why is that more acceptable?

My DH will watch Outer Mongolian Snail Racing if there's no other sport/procedural cop show on TV. I don't mind, we often watch sport together if it's one i like. If it's one i don't like i read (book, kindle) surf the net (laptop, phone) or do something else entirely independently. If i say: let's watch a film - we'll either find something we both want to watch or it will be "but no, the 3rd round of the Tibetan Regional Yak Dressage heats is on" and I'll either as above or go into another room and watch a film on my own...

I have a billion hobbies, my DH watches sport. But we don't try to restrict the other unless it really has been 3 days of no speaking in favour of the Yaks or the Snails.

OP - why don't you want to end your relationship? (you only have to answer that to yourself) does that reason (or those reasons) outweigh the annoyance of the argument bingo?

We sometimes have this conversation about my laptop use, and I say that I'm happy to cap overall screen time. I'm not big now watching TV films, DH is. I use my laptop when he does this.

So every now and then we carve out some no screen time, like one no-screen day a week, or a couple of hours each evening. This has to include no TV though, as for me that's the same as being on any device. We use this time to play board games, do jigsaw puzzles, listen to music or podcasts, go for a walk, go out for dinner for some examples.

Maybe you could try this? Both my DH and I tend to be more understanding of the constant TV/phone/laptop once we directly equate it to the others preference, so maybe it is worth having that chat.

Come on, he wants you to watch the changing room lovingly so he can see your eyes are on him the second he comes out? That’s utterly pathetic. He’s jealous of your interests and resources because he’s a dull twat.

You seem bored with each other.

Can you start doing stuff again?

Why don’t you come to an agreement on ALL screen time. Eg he gets one hour of TV time a night and you get one hour on your phone.

Then you can spend the rest of the evening doing other things together, like doing housework or going for a walk.

See how long that lasts.

Personally I think he sounds like a controlling arse and I’d be packing my bags. I bet there’s a lot more that you are not mentioning here OP.

The trouble is when someone is on a device a lot, it does kill spontaneous conversation, eye contact and creates a bit of an 'I'm not here' vibe. So it is isolating.
But, your phone is your TV, your adult education, your networking event, your book... It isn't just a mindless screen gawp.
I think more communication as a couple and defining your use and how you spend your time when you're in the house together but not doing something together might help.
I would tell him you are taking it seriously, have a proper heart to heart about exactly what it is about the phone that bothers him (is he lonely, does he think you don't enjoy is company, is he right? Let's dig into the issue and listen and be honest), In the heart to heart, also illustrate for him the multiple functions the phone is playing and see if he can recognise that if it wasn't your phone, it would be a book (and would that be ok, I don't mean permission-wise, but if it would be same root cause for the upset) and then see if there might be some fixes for his upset that take into account what the phone actually is and what he thinks currently it is. Like making more time to be a couple that isn't routine domestic stuff (have you got into a rut together), share what you are doing on it (from time to time (, so it's a talking point, not a wall... e.g 'Oh look, that Twitter post I did has made so-and--so reply, we haven't seen them in ages' or 'getting that tutor offer has really helped the rainy day fund amazing isn't it...' (crap examples but you get the gist). Let him know sometimes (in a conversational being inclusive way, not in a reporting to the furher kind of way) that you'be finished reading a book and now you're going to head to your networking event...

No idea if that makes sense. I suppose I'm talking about building bridges instead of walls which can be an unintended consequence of eyes on screen sometimes even when it is perfectly virtuous use.

Obviously if you dig into quite why he doesn't like it and the reasons are unfair or don't make sense then that's a different conversation but you may as well start off assuming he has got a point and isn't being unreasonable and go from there...

Whether you are watching TV, going to a theatre, cooking or sharing some other experience the joy and connection of doing it together is lost if someone is buried on their phone.

When people are on their phones, they are not really there at all, not present, not listening, not participating. If it continues for a very long time then the relationship will of course really suffer, because it is just you by yourself - to all intents and purposes even if they sat right next to you every day.

It is of course completely her choice to continue, after all it is her phone, life and all the rest, no one would argue with her right to do whatever she wants, but we have accept the consequences right, as adults, and that will be the loss of potentially of this relationship.

She can stress the need for a more interesting life/conversation/nights out and fun activities and if he does not deliver or agree, the same outcome is possible.

It is her choice, phone or marriage. It boils down to that. You can shout that she is an adult and she can do what she likes, we have to remember he is an adult too and can do what he likes...

He sounds very insecure and needy. You mentioned a previous relationship that has damaged him, but my guess is that this goes back further. How much love was he shown by his parents? He is looking to you to completely fulfil him, but you are doomed to fail because no one person can be everything another needs.

Encourage him to get a hobby of his own. Make sure you are there for him when he needs you, and set aside consistent time to be together - eg “I am putting my phone away at 7pm to spend time with you. What shall we do?” Demonstrate your willingness to love him, but don’t let the bottomless pit of his neediness suck you down the drain.

If you address the boredom the rest of the issues are likely to fall away.

How ironic that instead of putting your phone away and talking to him, you use your phone to ask us lot what we think.

Maybe he has a point.

ake sure you are there for him when he needs you, and set aside consistent time to be together - eg “I am putting my phone away at 7pm to spend time with you. What shall we do?” Demonstrate your willingness to love him, but don’t let the bottomless pit of his neediness suck you down the drain

This in one.

Only if it’s something both if you want to do. The OP’s DH is watching stuff she isn’t interested in. Why on earth should she be ‘fully present’ doing something he has decided to do, that she has no interest in?

And him trying clothes on... how the fuck is that a ‘shared experience’? It’s fucking tedious. Why on earth should she be standing waiting expectantly for him to come out?

It sounds like you don't want to be with each other or connect anymore. Perhaps he is reaching out and trying to have more time with you in a clumsy way by saying no more phone usage.

I find it very rude/annoying when people cannot stay off their phones and engage in the moment. You know the type - you meet for a catch up and have lunch and they whip their phone out take pictures of said lunch/drinks and post on social media 'look at me having a great time, look what I am eating drinking, where I am' but fail to actually engage much whilst having this 'great time'. Incredibly rude and appears to what to show everyone their life instead of being in the moment and taking space to just chat.

Some people use their phones to hide behind, it is easier than confronting the issues. Not unusual at all.

He Sounds controlling to me ..

@Friendsoftheearth

This (you said it so much better than I did)

'Whether you are watching TV, going to a theatre, cooking or sharing some other experience the joy and connection of doing it together is lost if someone is buried on their phone.
When people are on their phones, they are not really there at all, not present, not listening, not participating. If it continues for a very long time then the relationship will of course really suffer, because it is just you by yourself - to all intents and purposes even if they sat right next to you every day.'

He clearly doesn't want you to have any interests other than him op. It's not a healthy way to have a relationship and he's actually controlling.

What would happen if you told him you feel the same about the hours he spends staring at the TV? Would he agree with you and make changes? I bet not.

Whether you are watching TV, going to a theatre, cooking or sharing some other experience the joy and connection of doing it together is lost if someone is buried on their phone.

You seem to be implying that OP should just sit there adoringly while her DH watches TV that she has zero interest in. That's pandering to the ego. She should be allowed to do what she wants whilst he does what he wants.

My late H used to watch endless TV - he was a depressed alcoholic. The stuff he watched was of zero interest to me: alien conspiracy bullshit, endless cookery shows, How It's Made (the expression 'the [object] is put into a hopper' is still family parlance for 'Boring!'.

He objected to me being on the laptop, he objected to me reading a book - if I wasn't watching his shite with him, I was being a bad wife.

Carry on as you are ,he has no influence over what you do ...or at least he shouldn’t do .
He sounds needy and like he wants you all to himself ,and even marriage is not enough for him ,he wants your full attention as well All the time
Fuck that .

driving trying/shopping for new clothes can be a shared experience, and one lots of couples do, it is only tedious if you are not interested and don't want to be there. Otherwise it can be humorous, helpful to get an opinion etc.

You seem to be confusing spending time together as subservience.

Op should only be there if she wants to be, and is genuinely interested, otherwise she says no thanks see you downstairs. The problem arises when you are no longer interested in anything your partner is doing.

Your phone use does not sound excessive. He sounds extremely controlling, and the way he behaves is unpleasant (a 3 hour row? Dinner in the bin??). I agree with the posters who have said this is not ready about the phone. He seems to feel the need to be in charge of you, and to have your undivided attention. If you give in to him on this, it'll soon be something else.