Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

Would the ultimatum of counselling & or blood tests at the gp or It’s over be fair enough here or would that make me a horrible bitch

It would make you a human being at the end of your tether.

Its probably something you should have done at least a year ago. Far from being horrible you have put up with this for far too long. You cannot spend a life with this person and his behaviour, you know this, don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy.

My ex was like that. Always something. I got so fed up of it. Stomach / head / hayfever / flu. Usually meant he had to lie down in bed for ages doing nothing. 2-3 times a week at least.

Since we split it usually precedes a comment along the lines of he cannot have his dd that day because he has bad hayfever. I did ask whether he would say that to work and he just got arsey.

I tend to think that if someone is doing something like this then even if their illness isn’t genuine, then there is still something going on and it deserves some sympathy and consideration. But if he won’t acknowledge that this isn’t normal, then nothing will change, and all you can do is decide what you can put up with.

If you’re feeling this irritated with him now when there’s nothing wrong with you either, what’s it going to feel like when you’re suffering pregnancy symptoms or are ill for some other reason?

I would just show him this thread. You have clearly set out how you feel on here and he needs to know what others think too.

You have been so patient, I can't believe he reduces you to tears on this. So unfair.

Give him an ultimatum to sort his health anxiety out, or leave.

If you don't this will stretch out years into the future. Can you cope with that?

Buy some headphones.
Then start packing his stuff..

He isn't 'faking' it necessarily as in actually making up symptoms- he is probably having symptoms, possibly of depression and anxiety, such as chest pains, tightness, breathlessness, irritable bowel, dizziness and so on. Those produce real effects in the body and then the mind does the rest.

I have a family member who has been like this since young. Unfortunately, no amount of sympathy/psychiatric intervention makes a deal of difference and they pop off to A and E or the doctor all the time even though when they get there, there is little if anything wrong with them. It's a psychological illness.

As to whether I would carry on- no, I wouldn't. My relative is still going on about his imaginary illnesses for 50 years and it isn't stopping (of course, one day he will be right, he will have something horrid!) It's draining and awful for their partner and nothing actually stems the malfunctioning thinking (tried anti-depressants and so on but always has 'massive side effects' and comes off them within a day).

Yes, it is linked to trauma in early childhood, and yes it is very sad, but if I had a choice, I would not live with this whatsoever as it's a very negative and draining way to live, especially with someone for whom this has become part of who they are, and not just a temporary dip in mood. Get out OP, honestly.

Tell him straight that if he has genuine concerns he must seek medical advice but his constant complaining is getting you down, it's not fair on you especially as he is well enough when it suits him and it has to stop - right now. If he doesn't stop moaning about the slightest thing, you will end the relationship.

OP I think other people have asked - does he hold down a job?

I could not live like this - I would have lost my shit and turfed him out years ago.

If there's nothing wrong with him physically then it could be a mental problem. Have you suggested that he stop moaning because you're sick of the sound of his whingeing and that you'll kick him out if he doesn't stop? He sounds like a prize winning attention seeker. I do hope you've sarcastically told him that he's not too ill to go to the pub then?

He does have something wrong with him or he would find better things to do than complain about non existent illnesses, he may be too anxious to go to the pub so he suddenly gets “sick”.

Get him to see the GP if you can to ask about mental health or pay get him to pay for some sort of therapy. If he doesn’t show signs of sorting himself out in a reasonable amount of time you may have to leave, not sorting out mental health is like a diabetic living off sweets, you shouldn’t put up with an adult not taking responsibility for themselves.

I'd go with "DP I can't live with the constant anxiety and uncertainty over your health. So either we go to the gp together and find out what's wrong with you, or its over. You have a week to make the appt."

Does his illness stop him helping round the house, doing things you want to do, seeing your friends or family? Do you want kids with him?

Also no sex on any night he's been poorly

the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me

Don't waste your life waiting for him to charge, OP.

You know now what life looks like with him, so more fool you if you stay any longer.

But but but - OP says that he miraculously improves once a pub jaunt with his mates is on the cards so surely the whole mental health/psychiatric problems is a bit of a red herring? Surely its more that he is an irritating whinge bag who wants constant sympathy and pandering to?

I had boyfriend once who was like this - always whinging about some ache or pain. He was very good looking and good in bed so he lasted a little bit longer than he would have done otherwise but he was swiftly kicked into touch. It was just so draining!

I am not really sure ultimatums will work OP, if he knows that he has already reduced you to tears and now you are looking for ways to avoid going home. Life is Too Short!!

Family member is married to one like OP's. Affter many years the daily 'illness' hits at any time of family responsibility: going to parents' evening, family trips, visiting people they don't like, any time the house needs cleaning. In fact, he is now incapacitated every evening after dinner when he now retires to his room to 'relax'. OP, ask yourself if you can see yourself in this relationship long term.

Op do you have dcs together?

@lockdownalli

OP I think other people have asked - does he hold down a job?

I could not live like this - I would have lost my shit and turfed him out years ago.

OP said he got laid off at the start of lockdown.

People with Munchausen's are at the doctor/hospital all the time to get attention. It is an actual medical condition in its own right.

Your "D"P is just an *rse. Get rid of him - you can't live like that.

My ex could have written this.

When I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, he was furious and I didn't see him for dust. Still says he doesn't believe it - or, when it was pointed out to him that Mum has to inject very expensive medications and it's pretty hard to fake the damage the years of untreated disease has done on x-ray and scan, he insists that I've done it to myself through the power of my mind; I want to be disabled, apparently.

Autoimmune disease can cause random pains and yes, it is possible to be in pain every single day of your life with effects upon joints, gut, head, allergies, etc. Going somewhere to be away from the seething resentment would also be worth the additional pain (and alcohol was a quite effective painkiller for a short time).

The path to getting a diagnosis all started when a trainee GP ticked a box for a non standard item on the blood test to measure inflammation.

@MitziK

My ex could have written this.

When I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, he was furious and I didn't see him for dust. Still says he doesn't believe it - or, when it was pointed out to him that Mum has to inject very expensive medications and it's pretty hard to fake the damage the years of untreated disease has done on x-ray and scan, he insists that I've done it to myself through the power of my mind; I want to be disabled, apparently.

Autoimmune disease can cause random pains and yes, it is possible to be in pain every single day of your life with effects upon joints, gut, head, allergies, etc. Going somewhere to be away from the seething resentment would also be worth the additional pain (and alcohol was a quite effective painkiller for a short time).

The path to getting a diagnosis all started when a trainee GP ticked a box for a non standard item on the blood test to measure inflammation.

You actually went to the GP and had x rays etc. That’s not the same as the OPs DP who refuses to get help. It’s the refusal to get help that makes all the difference.

What Schaden said.

I've found in daily life it is the people who suffer most (those with cancer, chronic pain and ongoing conditions) who complain the least. They know they have to live with whatever it is, that there is no point in complaining (because that won't make it go away) and they just get on with life. Those who complain on a daily basis are those who want sympathy and/or attention.

What do they say? 'Empty vessels make most noise'? You don't have to put up with it, OP. Whether he is seriously ill and refusing to get help or treatment or whether he's just moaning because he wants you to dote on him - doesn't matter. YOU don't like it, so YOU don't have to stay in this relationship.

It could be a mental health issue he has, health anxiety for instance. Not that you should stay with him if you are unhappy.

After all these years you must have tried all these suggestions and ultimatums.
Just leave him.

You say it's soul destroying, depressing, you are always in tears and he doesn't care or even try to change or get help.
You stay away from your own home because of him.

Don't waste anymore of your life on him.
I think you would feel so relieved to be free of it all.