Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

It depends on why you want to give him the ultimatum. If it’s just because you think you ought to in order to be fair to him, skip that step and go straight to leaving him. If you are genuinely torn about whether you still want to be with him, then you can try the ultimatum - but be very clear with him (and yourself) what action you expect and over what timeframe, don’t settle for him moaning half as much in a month’s time without ever having made an appointment.

As a Reception teacher I often have children like this - they complain regularly of phantom illnesses, but when offered the option of staying in at playtime will miraculously recover. It's usually due to one of the following reasons:

1. They're trying to get out of doing something they don't want to do.
2. It's a manifestation of some other kind of worry or sadness.
3. They want a bit of attention and sympathy.

I usually respond with a brief acknowledgement of how they're feeling (e.g. "oh dear, that's not very fun", or my personal favourite "it's a good job you're so brave!"). Then I try to distract them with an activity or take their mind off it in some other way. If it's a recurrent issue then I try to work out if there's a pattern which helps me identify what's causing it - e.g. a particular time of day or if there are some underlying issues causing anxiety.

Of course these children are 4-5 but sometimes I find strategies I use with children can be adapted for adults too!

@FredaFrogspawn

OP has answered the job thing already.

Oops. I missed that.

@FatCatThinCat

Tell him straight, he either seeks medical advice regarding his 'illness' or he shuts the fuck up. You don't want to hear about it anymore.

That’s exactly what I think. You could even ring up and make the appointment for him.

Maybe give him a third ultimatum, if 1) Gp and 2) shuts up aren’t adhered to, then 3) you will leave him.

You aren’t getting anything from this relationship, and are actively avoiding him, so things have got to change. Maybe give yourself a time period (until Christmas?) and have one last push and nothing changes, the pn leave.it’ll give you time to sort out your future plans also.

Having had a DH go through years of a MH episode where he refused to accept it was MH, I can say that it is very wearing and boring to have to jolly them along.
He needs to take ownership of his problem and how it affects you.

What is his weight like?

Ultimatum time. He goes to the doctor and gets completely checked out or he shuts up!

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

Do these mysterious ailments prevent him from doing his fair share of the housework by any chance OP? Do they flare up and get worse on days which are special to you therefore ensuring that day gets ruined? Do they prevent him from working full time meaning you have to pay for everything? Do they get worse if you are planning to go out by yourself or have a life beyond him, meaning you feel guilty for going out?

He might have a psychiatric problem that makes him fake an illness. He might have a psychiatric condition that makes him genuinely believe he's ill. He might actually be ill. Or he might be an abusive asshole using his pretend symptoms to control you and grind you down. Personally I wouldn't be waiting to find out which, 4 years is enough. Let him get his blood tests and his counselling on his own time. There are lots of good loving loyal whatever else men out there who aren't also full of shit and pretending to be ill even when it has you in tears. You don't have to fix this one just because he has a few good qualities, you can find one with the same good qualities who doesn't need fixing.

And as for asking "is this a good enough reason to leave?" if I never hear this phrase again in my life it'll be too soon. You don't need a good enough reason. You don't need ANY reason. If you want to break up with him over this you can, no permission needed. If you want to break up with him because you don't like the way he chews his food you can. If he's 100% perfect and never sets a foot wrong but you want to break up with him because you'd just prefer to be single, you can. You don't need a reason to end a relationship, and you certainly don't need a "good enough" reason!

Brilliant post.

Why do they do this? Attention. It's really deep rooted though. I have experienced two diagnosed cases. One was a client that was covered in dressings and bandages and had horrendous injuries and used crutches to get around. The first time I saw her I assumed she had gone through a car windscreen until a colleague told me she had been presenting like that for years. This lady was diagnosed at this stage.
The second was a co-worker and her behaviour drove me to the point of wanting to kill her myself. She faked a frozen shoulder and refused the scanner. She would put her handbag down but I would see her arrange it so the Orapmorph bottle was sticking out the top as she wanted people to ask about it but the level never went down. Her arm withered and she refused to do the exercises the physio had prescribed. Eventually her husband refused to let her drive and this was a step too far for her as she loved to go shopping and miraculously she was healed. Then she moved on to somethng else. The whole time she had headaches, backaches, cancer, melanoma, food poisoning. I used to make up illnesses and sure enough she would have 'had it all weekend'. She was always fine to go on holiday though!

OP it will drive you loopy. I only had to deal with madam two days a week and I would shut myself away from it for the bulk of those days and put the radio on. When she started injuring her dogs I had had enough and left the job. I heard that eventually her husband had her assessed and MH and MH by proxy was part of her diagnosis. Management couldn't or wouldn't do anything about her bizarre behaviour and I was outta there. It's crazy making and a problem without a real solution.

By leaving you might actually be doing him a favour as he might pull himself together. It's as unsexy as fuck.

Does his illnesses stop you going out as a couple?

What would happen if you simply said 'either go to the doctor or shut the fuck up'

Personally I couldn't live like this, I'm surprised you've lasted 4 years. I'd end up throttling him, then he'd at least have something to complain about (figuratively before I get accused of abuse)

"Seriously though, just call it a day ( doesn’t sound like he’s long for this world anyway)"

4yrs, Op-just leave.

He could have done something by now but hasn't.

"And as for asking "is this a good enough reason to leave?" if I never hear this phrase again in my life it'll be too soon. You don't need a good enough reason. You don't need ANY reason."

And absolutely that!

Why do women feel the need to turn themselves inside out over leaving someone who they're not happy with?

Think about yourself-he isn't!

Does he have a history of trauma? It can present itself in weird ways. This book is really good at explaining it The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0141978619/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_KxJoFb5J1HF3X

I would be hugely sympathetic if he was actively seeking help - a gp appt is hardly a huge thing for him to organise. That would be a start.

The fact that he isn't doing anything to try and improve the situation would be a deal breaker for me. Why should you have to put up with this nonsense every day when he can't even be arsed to go to the GP. Does he expect you to deal with this for the rest of your lives? It clearly isn't bothering him enough for him to do anything about it.

I would say to him he has 3 choices - he either shuts up and stops complaining, goes to the GP this week, or he moves out. He can pick whichever one he likes.

My husband used to be like this. Until I just started calling him out on it because I couldn’t listen to another day of his bullshit. I would say things like:

“Morning. Ready for another day of dying today? Be a dear and do it quietly, we’re all bored of listening to it”

“Oh dear. Everyone else in this house has just got a bit of a cough, but no, you’ve got the plague.”

“Ill again? Guess you won’t be going to the pub with us tonight then. You can stay here until you’re feeling better”

“As you’re you’ve been so ill lately, I didn’t order any wine, beer or junk food on the shopping order. Those things won’t be helping, will they?”

“Daddy won’t be joining us for our fun day out today kids, he’s feeling ill. Surprise, surprise”

My MIL constantly moans about being ill, I think it’s where he’s got it from. But since I’ve stopped giving him attention about going to the doctors or whatever, he’s stopped doing it. I don’t think he’s mentioned being ill (apart from when he genuinely has been once or twice a year) for 6 years or so now.

I sympathise though OP, it’s relentless and trying to be a decent, concerned partner just fuels the fire.

if you're staying away from your own home it's more than a minor problem.

Frankly? I'd call it a day.

It’s not your job to rescue him and solve his problems.
If he wants to waste his life complaining about various non existent symptoms, let him get on with it.

If you stay because you’re afraid of being on your own, you’re as bad as he is.

it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me

Surely that's your answer? A relationship where his conduct regularly leaves you in tears but he won't do anything to improve that, and where you are regularly driven out of the house for hours on end by his conduct, isn't really worth sustaining, is it?

Tell him keep a diary of all his symptoms- he might then realise what he sounds like. How draining for you. Would really piss me off especially if he was fine to go to the pub!

My DH does this. It's variously upset stomach, backache, hip ache, trapped wind, shoulder ache, "winter blues" (?), indigestion or acid reflux. He grimaces and moans about it all and does "stretches" very obviously where he can be seen doing them. He has hundreds (literally) packs of pills and potions that fill an entire kitchen cupboard. He does actually have high blood pressure which he knew about for years and did nothing until it manifested as ED then he went to the doc and got treatment. He's never mentioned any of his other ailments to the doc though. I just tune out. I live with my own chronic pain and never say a bloody word.

Have you told him you are planning to leave because of this and his endless reluctance to see a doctor? he needs a tough wake up call. See a doctor, have tests done, shut up or you'll leave.

Dump. What a miserable existance

I live with my own chronic pain and never say a bloody word.

Me too Pop, nobody at work knows, none of my friends know.

''soul destroying''

This says it all really.

Stop listing his good traits and start asking how you feel when you are around him. Do you feel good? Peaceful? Energised? Loved? Stimulated? Does he add rather than take away from your life and happiness? If you don't feel good when you are around him, if it's this much hard work, you have a patient rather than a partner.

He should definitely go to the doctor and if he's not willing to do that for your relationship, then don't bother with him. He's showing you that he simply wants to carry on in his poor me misery without a care to how it affects you. Be prepared though that they might not find anything wrong with him. The mind can produce really powerful symptoms.

On the physical side, if he feels sick or he has headaches a lot, he might be experiencing headaches and migraines. Migraines are a nerve issue. Some of them can make you feel sick and you can barely experience head pain. There is medicine he can take to manage and prevent them.

Buy him a medical dictionary as a leaving present - and go.

My husband is like this. Always ill but the difference is mine genuinely thinks he has something seriously wrong with him and is going to die. Just posting to offer my sympathies, its draining and hard work. I pretty much had a nervous break down last year and actually got very sick myself in the result of it, I am still suffering now and still think I am going through the nervous breakdown slightly. He has been much better this year (surprisingly during covid), I am just always on edge waiting for the next pain to be a tumor of some sort. He is also the same, suffers for months on end, makes my life hell with the constant complaining then springs up for a night out. The alcohol helps the pain apparently.
We are 10 years together and its been non stop since 6 months in. My advice, get him help or leave.