Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

My son was with a girl with Munchausen's, it is draining. She let the doctors take her perfectly healthy appendix out because she couldn't keep up another lie she was telling. She embellished all parts of her life but was clever enough to get away with it for a while before I started to have my doubts, following the appendix incident (one of the nurses was a bit short with her and I went and had a word and the nurse told me she was too busy dealing with ill patients to have to deal with her!) That's when I started to pay more attention to what she told us. It took my son 2 years to realise nearly everything she'd told him was a lie and by that time he was at his wits end and nearly broken. It's the only time I've interfered and told him to come home on his own.

It's a mental health issue, if you want a life with him then it needs treating.

I sympathise. This sounds like my own DH, word for word!

He complains of constant pain rotating between his knees, chest, back, and neck, along with frequent stomach ailments and headaches.

He has X-rays/scans/explorations/blood tests now and then but nothing is ever found. However, his longterm clinical obesity may have something to do with it.

Trying to help him backfires. For example, if I suggest taking ibuprofen for the pain I receive a lecture about how it upsets his stomach and which specific products are suitable and why they too are inconvenient because they have to be taken at certain times or conflict with his other mediations and on and on...

These days I see his monologue as a discussion he's having with himself about his health and not as something that need concern me.
I refuse to engage with it.

When he starts his tirade I'll say 'Yeah you said that yesterday' or 'What do you fancy for tea?'
That's how I deal with it now.

Sometimes he acts hurt and accuses me of not believing he's in pain and is making it up. I don't fall for that. My reply is 'I'm not a doctor, I don't know what's wrong.'

I believe he is a hypochondriac and is worried about the effect on his health of his longterm obesity. It's as if he is pre-empting whatever catastrophe he may have brought on himself.

Perhaps the OP's DP thinks along these lines? That he WILL be ill sooner or later. Just a thought.

@Ginger89

I doubt he’d go to counselling because then he’d have to admit he fakes being ill, I am hesitating because apart from his many ailments he is a good man, loving affectionate loyal, all the qualities of a life long partner I just can’t see myself doing this life long if this never stops (appologies I’m unsure how to tag & respond individually)

Sorry OP, but dogs are loving affectionate and loyal too.

I met a man like this recently too. I came to the conclusion that he has some deep seated need for validation and a fear of rejection (ironically, caused by his own meandering behaviour). Which made me feel for him, truly...but that’s not my burden to bear (...and i’m a nurse, I feel so good helping people, genuinely - work was my saving grace during a depressive episode, it lifts my soul....). He’s an adult, he can make his own choices and decisions and he is doing just that without any consideration to those around him. If you were happy in the caretaker role, then fair play...but you are not happy OP.

You cant fix this, you're his gf. You are not his owner, parent or counsellor. Being supportive is one thing....allowing yourself to become utterly ground down by it is another.

He’s not your person, and thats okay :)

Op just end it, when a relationship stops making you happy it’s time to go

He’s not going to change, the behaviour is too ingrained. Just tell him it’s not working for you end finish it.

End it!
He can't help it if he is sick and yet he won't go to the doctor because he knows he is fine? That would frustrate the shit out of me. I just couldn't tolerate it.

"I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m scared that if I do end things he will actually make himself sick so as to not let it end sort of thing?"
Wow! You think he will refuse to let you end the relationship. Refuse. 'Not let it end' is the words you used but what you mean is REFUSE.

It's not his call. If you want to end this relationship you can. If he wanted to end the relationship and you didn't, he could. A relationship needs the agreement of both parties. If you don't agree any more, it is over. Let's face it - it is already over, you just haven't told him yet .

You care enough about him to not want him to make himself sick but - give that some thought. What kind of sickness would he deliberately inflict on himself in order to control you? Because that's what we're talking about - control. Would you actually care as much about him if he went to that extreme to maintain control over you? And any 'sickness' - well it'll just be words, same as now.

Look at what else you've said, about YOUR life -

"sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub!"
Your life, any any enjoyment of it, is being curtailed by his behaviour. His enjoyment of his life - I'm not seeing any curtailment there. He springs right up and embraces it. Whilst you avoid your own home.

There is a saying, 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. You've tried being sympathetic (in the first year). You've tried not offering sympathy since. You've tried crying. None has brought any change to his behaviour. If you stay with him, this is him - this behaviour of his is what you will ALWAYS get. So you now have to do something different if you don't want that. And I think you already know what it is, and it is to split up. It is entirely reasonable to do so. Whether or not he agrees makes no difference. You absolutely would be right to end this relationship. It has become downright harmful to your mental health.

Oh, and as for "apart from his many ailments he is a good man, loving affectionate loyal" - well, no - he isn't a good man. A good man does not damage his partner's mental health. A good man does not make his partner dread going home. A good man does not respond to his partner crying with continuing to claim he's sick whilst mysteriously never going to the doctor. He is NOT a good man. He is a manipulative drain on your mental resources. A parasite, if you will.

"Would the ultimatum of counselling & or blood tests at the gp or It’s over be fair enough here or would that make me a horrible bitch"
Absolutely fair enough. Not horrible in the slightest. You haven't tried this before and it might work. But be prepared for him still to weasel out of anything, and to carry through ending it with him. He's driving you down, you can't let that continue.

Wow so many responses thank you I don’t know how to tag to respond to each comment but there is no trauma as far as I know, he had adhd as a child if that plays a part in it? A couple of people mentioned the mother...she is a lovely woman truly but I can say she 100% moddy coddled him & even to this day she will fuss & give him the attention he seeks “I’ve got stomach pains” she will respond oh god have you lay down I’ll make you food & get you some pain killers - then she will constantly say are you alright you poor thing. He does his fair share around the house so I don’t think he does it to get out of stuff. He doesn’t seem anxious about it when he says he doesn’t feel well it’s hard to explain it’s just like he announces it as a pp said I just say yeah you said that earlier or oh forfucksake you’re sick every bloody day. The only time I can recall him not announcing an illness was when I was in hospital last year having an emergency operation. We don’t have children I have a ds from a previous relationship who also now rolls his eyes “oh sick again is he” someone else said would I be with him if he wasn’t like this...absolutely I would. I like the idea of writing stuff down to show him how often it is that he complains, I’m not ready to leave it just yet I just wanted advice on ways to deal with it before leaving, someone said ‘desperatley’ coming on mumsnet thats not really fair I’m not desperate just at my wits end and wanted to know if anyone had expeirenced this & how they did or didn’t deal with it.

He eats healthy, goes the gym a couple of times a week, alcohol hmm maybe he could drink less but it’s not excessive or anything. I googled both hyperchondriac & munchausens & the second resonates more, maybe he’s just a massive moaner & there’s no label to it but the amount he complains of ailments makes me think it’s more than just a moaning mertyl.

I think you may be jumping the gun to try and diagnose him. He may just be a moaner.

We all have days where for whatever reason we get a bit of a headache or a stomach ache or whatever but just crack on with our days - it’s nothing bad or even a bug, just a bit of dehydration or trapped wind or whatever. He sounds like he’s taking these and exaggerating them into “migranes” and “stomach pains” because he gets attention for it.

Honestly he sounds tedious and I’d get rid; but if you want to work on it then sit him down and explain that you’re fed up of hearing about his ailments - say he either needs to go to the GP if it’s genuinely a concern, or he needs to stop moaning; and refuse to engage with him - even to say “oh ffs you’re always Ill”. Just stop acknowledging him at all when he’s moaning. If he asks you why, calmly remind him of your conversation.

I do like a pp 's suggestion of "it's a good job you're so brave"
I'd add "and rarely complain"

Can you write every complaint down in a journal for a few months? Perhaps seeing the list will help decipher a pattern.

I don’t give him the attention or sympathy though not for the last 3 years so I’m unsure as to why he continues to say these things?! Which made me think maybe it was more than just moaning

Yeah mondayyoghurt I’m going to try that maybe shock him into seeing how much he actually does it because when I pull him on it he denies it “I don’t say that all the time”

His mothers response is the root of this OP.

Tell him you consider he needs counselling for his hypochondria. Tell him it gets on your tits. Tell him if he mentions his illnesses today you will leave the house until after dark. Tell him every single time that his behaviour is driving you batshit crazy and it might make him realise how much his behaviour is fucking up your life and his marriage.

If he's still at it at Christmas, bin him off in January is my advice.

I agree, his mother molly coddling him is why he is like this. But it is close to ending your marriage, so no idea why he can't just button it.

Funnily enough... a very tiny bit of it is like my DH. If he cuts his finger (and I'm talking about a nick, or a paper cut), he howls out in pain and jumps around looking for the plasters. Ridiculous. The last time he did it, it was the smallest nick on his finger that if you held a tissue on it, it would stop bleeding and be fine. I told him not to be so pathetic and why are you like this when you give yourself a paper cut?!

He said his Mum used to always get the plasters out for absolutely everything, and give him a big cuddle.

I told him he's a grown man and it gets on my tits!

So, what I'm saying is, it's a deep rooted mother/son thing. He wants the same molly coddling from you that he got from his Mum.

I’ve said many times I’m not your mum go to hers if you want “looking after” I have one child not 2! We are not married so ending it would be somewhat easier than if we were, there was one time probably the moment I stopped giving a shit was when he pretended to faint I walked out the kitchen & left him on the floor (I know what a real faint looks like)

He's pretended to faint?!

This is so deeply unsexy. Sorry Ginger but I would end up totally despising him for these pathetic shows. He needs help.

My DH is a bit dramatic when he's got a cold or whatever (like lots of men) , yet when he was really ill and in hospital he was a model patient. The paper cut thing and plasters gets on my nerves, but I just tell him he's pathetic and to stop and go away.

I don't know how you cope

Do you think it could just be the signs of getting older? backache in the mornings, increased acid reflux etc etc?

it took me a while to realise that my aches and pains that i get are just that and not a terminal disease

he pretended to faint I would have gone right off him, how embarrassing.

How can you have any respect for a man who pretends to faint for attention. FFS I'd be annoyed if my 7 year old did that.

I have just got this off NHS website.

"Munchausen's syndrome is a psychological disorder where someone pretends to be ill or deliberately produces symptoms of illness in themselves.
Their main intention is to assume the "sick role" so that people care for them and they are the centre of attention.

People who have Munchausen's are genuinely mentally ill, but will often only admit to having a physical illness."

What ever it is that is compelling him to do this has some underlying cause. It must be an incredible strain for you. I had a friend years ago who used to do this, she was always at A&E or the doctors,wasting their time. Nothing ever wrong with her. She then started the same with her DC, taking her all the time , then her DC was always complaining of being unwell, until they were both warned / encouraged to stop time wasting. She did in the end receive some sort of therapy and i stopped lost contact with her soon after.

It may be worthwhile him seeing someone, not for any "illness" but to try to understand what is in his head. If you have a DC and you seperate will he have access to your DC? . I am not sure i would like my DC spending time with their dad at weekends etc if he was like this. It is attention seeking and draining on you. He needs to understand why he is attention seeking and this must be incredibly grating on you . Do what is right for you OP.

Oh god it gets worse and worse!

My housemate at uni used to faint dramatically when she felt like she wasn’t getting enough attention (and remember - even the negative reaction from you is still attention.

This would do my fucking head in and is more than enough reason to bin him off.

Definitely keep a diary. I think he will be surprised how often he's 'ill'. Is he depressed? When I was in the pits of depression I would get aches and pains a lot. My mind used to spiral into which terminal illness I could possibly have. As soon as I responded to ad medication the symptoms disappeared or I could rationalise them without panicking or telling dp.

Your ds will be losing respect for you op for staying... I imagine you have no respect at all for your man child.
Ring his dm, tell her you are far far under qualified to look after such a sick man so she needs to take him back...
And mean it.

Yeah the faint thing was vert unsexy indeed, as for aches & pains because of age...he’s only 28. I think it must be some sort of mental health issue to be the way he is. He doesn’t take himself the gp or a&e though that’s what’s confusing about it and it’s not like he sits there googling his symptoms thinking the worst he doesn’t seem anxious about whatever “illness” he has at that particular moment he just says it outloud I don’t know if he’s expecting me to jump up & whack a nurse outfit on & go routing in the tablet stash in fact he very rarely takes tablets, just yesterday he made a grunt and before he could even speak I literally threw the paracetemol across the bed & didn’t say a word. He doesn’t strike me as depressed, I’ve family members and friends who have been/are depressed and he doesn’t show any of those traits, he’s outgoing doesn’t sit in bed all day is generally upbeat which is why it baffles me when he says he is sick. The negative reaction from me being still attention- honestly it’s gone on that long now that sometimes I will point blank not engage atall I won’t even look at him. My ds is not his so there would be no access worries if we do split.