Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

Can you have a proper talk with him, say that it's not normal or dignified for an adult to share every fleeting sensation in his body with his partner, it makes you feel he is a child and you want a man in your life. Tell him you are losing respect and ask him of he would be happier back with his mum as that is the message you're getting from his behaviour.

Also tell him that are worried about whar would happen if he was actually ill and needwd your help because as it is, you would not take it seriously at all.

Or you could say you don’t feel able to cope with on such complex health problems, you’re not happy and end the relationship.

There are people out there who are happy to take on a carer/rescuer role in a relationship but it doesn’t make you a bad person not to want to do that.

@Fightthebear

Or you could say you don’t feel able to cope with on such complex health problems, you’re not happy and end the relationship.

There are people out there who are happy to take on a carer/rescuer role in a relationship but it doesn’t make you a bad person not to want to do that.

This ^^ Absolutely!

Most comments seem to take the position that he is lying to the op, when the reality it's the op that is lying to him (and to herself)
This is not love, it's not even acceptance, it's certainly not respectful - and of course, it could well be extremely harmful, as it was in my case.

Just be honest with him OP and move on with your life.

Most comments seem to take the position that he is lying to the op, when the reality it's the op that is lying to him (and to herself)

Good lord, you -know- the man yourself, to speak so very certainly? To accuse the OP of lying?

You are entirely projecting your situation on someone you don't know (presumably) and frankly you should back off.

Two of my family members are like this including a sibling. I’ve had years and years of listening to it and trying to figure it out.

Originally I thought it was for attention. For one of them, it is anxiety. Fir the other, my sibling, it is self obsession combined with having too much time on their hands. The sibling is pretty lazy overall and doesn’t have kids so other than her job, most of her time is spent sitting in the garden, on the sofa or in bed. Lots and lots of time on her hands completely focused on herself. She is pretty negative in general. I find being around her for any length of time draining and exhausting.

One of my young DC is showing signs of complaining frequently too. I don’t give it any attention whatsoever.

It won’t get better and the whinging will multiply with age.

@YNK you are not listening to what is actually happening here. Rather you are projecting your own experience to this scenario and you are being ridiculous! You think the sole responsibility for the OP's husbands health is hers?
Does the man have no responsibility to sort out his health issues? Maybe if he lived her enough he would try to get to the bottom of the situation knowing that it is stressing the OP out?

Just be honest with him OP and move on with your life

What does that mean? What has the OP got to be honest about? That she can't put up with years of him saying he's ill when he refuses to do anything about it, and will not go to a Doctor?
Your sentence sounds like you are blaming her. She has tried

I feel for you, My DH, does have real back pain, there is no doubt, he has had all the X-rays/etc, etc but the moaning drives me mental. I treat it like white noise now , & throw in, "I am not a doctor".
He is capable of enjoying himself, he can work, physically, unbelievably hard... BUT, he has to moan.
It is attention seeking, & is something his parents both do.
Every hour, involves a possibility of attention seeking, by a complaint.

In your shoes, I would say:
"I don't believe these pains, I have yet to see you consult a doctor, I am not your mother, & will not be running with a cloth to cool your brow. Either there is something wrong, or it's a attention seeking bollocks.
I am NOT living this way any more. It is like a crying child, women are tuned in to hearing, a cry = "alert, my child needs help" but you don't need help or you would seek it out. Your behaviour is a total turn off, it is pointless, tiring, depressing & I will not be manipulated.
I do NOT want to hear it (even if it was real, I wouldn't want a detailed documentation of every pain) or have a text mentioning your half baked attention seeking drama.
Either you stop or see a doctor & discover if you do have a real problem. or you move out."

(to be honest, he probably doesn't even know he does it half the time, its become a habit, like breathing )

@YNK jeez you are really projecting here, start your own thread if you want to go on and on about yourself and your situation! Do you really think it’s impossible for someone to just be a whiny man child who had been mollycoddled by his mother all his life? Do you not imagine any situation in which that would be the case?

People should take responsibility for their own health (as you tried to do in fact!) OP has encouraged him to seek help with blood tests and suggested going to GP, he hasn’t, and that’s on him. After all these years it sounds more psychological than medical, surely that’s common sense. There is literally no clue in all this that anything more serious going on. Stop detailing OP’s thread with your own issues.

What makes you, an adult who is fully functioning in life, make you believe that you deserve to be shackled to a whingy manchild whom you are now supporting (he's been laid off and not working) for the rest of your life and subject your child to him and his wretched behaviour that he will never get help for or fix? Honestly ask yourself this question. Why do you feel you owe him your life or this is the best you can do so you have to stick with it?

Because you know how you say he doesn't want to help himself? Well, neither do you. By staying with him out of guilt and low self-esteem, you're choosing not to help yourself by freeing yourself for better and setting a good example to your child not to put up with people who won't adult.

Instead of focusing on him and trying to change him, get him to help, etc., how about focusing on the one thing you can change: you.

Regardless of whether this is an undiagnosed physical condition or a psychological problem, being abusive is not going to help either of them so this advice is only going to make the problem worse.

I don't blame her for being unable to cope or to be supportive, in fact I'm saying she should be open and honest about this.
However, her happiness should not depend on her DP suppressing his feelings either.

He is clearly not suppressing his feelings is he, YNK, if he goes on about it every damn day..... he doesn’t sound like an oppressed pour soul to me!

@Brokensunrise

He is clearly not suppressing his feelings is he, YNK, if he goes on about it every damn day..... he doesn’t sound like an oppressed pour soul to me!

No he's not and why should he?

She should tell him she's the one suppressing her feelings, and that it's not working for her.

They both deserve better.

@YNK

Regardless of whether this is an undiagnosed physical condition or a psychological problem, being abusive is not going to help either of them so this advice is only going to make the problem worse.

I don't blame her for being unable to cope or to be supportive, in fact I'm saying she should be open and honest about this.
However, her happiness should not depend on her DP suppressing his feelings either.

How on Earth have you got from this thread that OP is being abusive or asking him to suppress his feelings? Or lying to him?!

Like others say I think you’re projecting your own experience, not being funny but I don’t know what else you can expect OP to do if he refuses to go to the doctor. That’s the problem - he moans and moans and makes her life unpleasant but refuses to actually do anything about his illnesses. I think you can quite clearly see it’s not the same as your situation.

There are some ridiculous comments on here there really are.
This guy whinges non stop about every ache or pain but refuses to see his GP.
IF there is something really wrong with him which I very much doubt he should go to his GP who can actually do something about it not spend every moment whingeing to his wife who can do nothing about it.
I wouldn't dream about moaning to a partner who can do nothing about it about my aches and pains - I'd just go and see my GP if I was worried.

...and he should also knock off the 'leaping up and heading to the pub or out to social gatherings every time his friends come calling' if he suspects he's seriously ill. I can't think of one single condition that is improved by the ingestion of alcohol.

I do think it sounds a bit like health anxiety. I have it really bad, but no one could really tell. I announce every symptom I feel (chest pains, dizziness/feeling faint, headache etc) literally all of the symptoms you've listed that he has. I announce them to my partner and my parents because it makes me feel safe if anything happened to me, like they'd know to tell the health professionals if something bad happened to me if that makes sense? I'm probably annoying as fuck but that's how I deal with it. I can feel awful, but deep down know it's anxiety so don't go to the doctor. Possibly the same for him? It doesn't stop me going to the pub or anything either! I am getting CBT for it but honestly I feel like he could be similar to me and just feel like he has to announce it to make himself feel a bit safer/better.

Charlaz. I don't want to be rude. But do you not think everyone might be grateful if you just wrote it down in a journal or notebook. If something happened they know where to look and couldn't forget anything important. I'm sorry but no one on gods earth wants to hear this. Even doctors get the occasional good news.

I know someone like this. He is a third generation attention-seeker. I'm convinced it's because he grew up in a household where high value was placed on low-level 'illness' as a means to gain attention. This person is also incredibly unsympathetic when anyone else is unwell and just turns the conversation back to their own ailments. E.g relative of nearly 80 comments that their joints hurt and he at 40-something launches into monologue about his own aches and pains which everyone else can see are trivial in comparison. It's infuriating and embarrassing.

I announce them to my partner and my parents because it makes me feel safe if anything happened to me, like they'd know to tell the health professionals if something bad happened to me if that makes sense

If my sibling tells me all her complaints for the same reason as this ^^ I can categorically say I wouldn’t be able to tell the hosp/ambulance/GP anything because everything she says goes in one ear and straight out the other. I listen to her monologue every time I pick up the phone and it is endless. It all sounds like drivel at this stage. If a doctor asked me, what was wrong with her, I would not be able to answer.

I do think crying wolf is so important here. How in god's name would the OP ever take any notice of her DH if he was really ill because he is talking all day about aches and pains. What will be real ? Nothing

charlaz with all due respect, there is no need to tell everyone about every ache and pain. That is why hospitals and Doctors have tests. They would take absolutely no notice of what your family said, until they undertook tests on you. If there was ever a problem. Which I'm sure there won't be.

GwendolineMarysLaces, Yes, my H does this also, his main endless topic is around his aches & pains, no one else's count. He will always bring a conversation back to him. I constantly tell him that no one wants to hear about XYZ. It really is embarrassing.
ex.
"Hi H, how are you ?"
"Oh OK, but my back is crippling me today...... straight to monologue.....
"I have been diagnosed with a life threatening illness"
Oh No..... I have been to that hospital for an Xray...... back to monologue.

@Mix56 yep. I feel your pain.

@Roussette

I do think crying wolf is so important here. How in god's name would the OP ever take any notice of her DH if he was really ill because he is talking all day about aches and pains. What will be real ? Nothing

charlaz with all due respect, there is no need to tell everyone about every ache and pain. That is why hospitals and Doctors have tests. They would take absolutely no notice of what your family said, until they undertook tests on you. If there was ever a problem. Which I'm sure there won't be.

Tell "everyone", where have I said that? I tell the 3 people closest to me when I'm feeling my worst. I can go days without mentioning anything but when my anxiety it's horrendous it's really reassuring to tell them. And you know what? My mum has suffered with it for years so is happy to reassure. Just because some people cannot stand listening to people's mental health issues, doesn't mean other people do too. They've helped me massively through a bad few months. I think people need to be kinder.

@Wallywobbles

Charlaz. I don't want to be rude. But do you not think everyone might be grateful if you just wrote it down in a journal or notebook. If something happened they know where to look and couldn't forget anything important. I'm sorry but no one on gods earth wants to hear this. Even doctors get the occasional good news.

I think you'll find my parents who love me very much are more than happy to reassure me when I'm going through a bad patch. I don't mean I do this all day every day. Only when I'm having the worst days where I feel I'm literally going to die. I'm guessing you've never suffered with health anxiety. It's very hard to differentiate between anxiety and feeling like there is something extremely wrong. So if I tell my mum or dad they will be able to say "that's just your anxiety charl, you'll be okay" etc, and it helps. If my son ever suffered with this I would never say to him "no I don't want to hear about it, write it down instead" if it helped for him to talk out loud about his symptoms. I agree it must be aggravating for most people to hear and no one has to listen if they don't want to.