Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

I'm not sure what blood tests at the gp would achieve, as he already knows he isn't sick. Plus blood tests can't diagnose every illness, so he'd just say it must be something else or something new.

Your DP is a little unusual as normal hyperchondriacs like myself are down at the gp every five minutes getting all sorts of tests.

Your life together sounds grim though, sorry, I'd think of moving on.

Like himself, not myself

I would also like to know does he work?

We have a guy at work who is like this, off ty week with something different!

Is he lazy in the house OP and being 'ill' to get out of doing anything useless like clean up, cook etc?

I'm not seeing his good qualities.
What does he actually do to make your life better?

He hasn't worked in months
He complains so much daily that you avoid him.

Does he do his fair share around the house? Cooking, cleaning, shopping?

@Ginger89

Would the ultimatum of counselling & or blood tests at the gp or It’s over be fair enough here or would that make me a horrible bitch

I would do this. You are at your wits end and have put up with this for a long time. Others may disagree but if he values your relationship and happiness that he will find a way to sort this either by getting an illness diagnosed (unlikely outcome) or going to some counselling to get the the source of what seems like a form of attention seeking. If he just wants to carry on living his life like this and letting you get upset then you are wasting your life and you should leave him. Time has a habit of passing by quite quickly; don't waste it especially right now when you are not married and don't have children.

Is it possible that it is an anxiety/depression thing?

When I am depressed and anxious I get loads of symptoms of illness, including chest pains and palpitations, stomach problems and tingling in my hands and feet and convince myself I am dying of several nasty illnesses. Thankfully I have a lovely GP who examines me, reassures me and treats the underlying causes.

I just looking for advice on weather it’s a reasonable thing to end it with someone who is an otherwise great person

But he isn't though, is he? He knows his constant complaints upset you deeply but he won't seek help. That is not the mark of a 'great' person.

Would the ultimatum of counselling & or blood tests at the gp or It’s over be fair enough here or would that make me a horrible bitch

No and it sounds like a good next step. However watch for him paying lip service and not actually following through. You need to set some clear goals not a vague 'you must get help'. Giving him a clear time frame for action would be advisable.

Random question, does he have a history of trauma?

Raisin Ghost, read your post several times, I was mightily impressed by your honesty.

Then you ruined it.

Start making a note of every time he complains. Add them up at the end of the week and present to him how many times he's complained, and about what (Ie, five headaches, one stiff knee, six scratchy throat etc) and see what his response is. Maybe he'll decide to go to the Dr afterall, or stop complaining (very optimistic I know!).

My DP’s ex was one of these.

Except she used to go looking up her imaginary symptoms on the internet and go to the doctors to tell them what was wrong and demand prescriptions for various pills which they always refused to give her.

Whenever anything came up they were going to do together she would bail out at the last minute, and he actually went on some holidays on his own because he couldn’t bear it any more...

Did I mention she’s his ex? .

No idea why you're still there.

Seriously, you don’t like being around him and he’s being faking sickness for years now.....why are you with him?!!
How bad does it have to get before you move on with your life and find some happiness instead of staying in this miserable, dysfunctional relationship? Why are your standards so low?
Oh he’s ‘loyal’? Meaning he’s happy to stick with you because you put up with his shit?

Move on instead of desperately coming on here looking for coping strategies.

A week of a very visible symptom log with every single complaint followed by an ultimatum around doctor and counselling would be my path. If he refuses I would have to finish the relationship because he would be ignoring the massive impact his behaviour has on others which is unloving and selfish.

I used to work with someone like this and that was bad enough.
I think it’s just an excuse not to have to do any work. In her case it was anyway.
I would do what pp have suggested, counselling or fuck off.

A few people have suggested writing down all his complaints then showing it to him.
What’s the point?

He knows exactly what he’s doing. He gets some weird thrill out of mentally torturing OP. She’s been in tears many times over it and he’s done damn all to improve the situation. HE DOESNT CARE.

The thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me.

There it is, OP. He is making you sick. TBH, he doesn't sound all that great. If he's like this now, what would he be like as a father?

As I read your posts I wondered if he came from a traditional northern background, where illness was frowned upon and even punished as a sign of weakness. My parents were Scottish and Cheshire-born respectively, and some of your DP's talk resembles their complaints about ailments that they stubbornly refused to see a doctor about. ("They're all useless quacks!") If I've offended any northerners by bringing this up, I apologise. But it did seem to be a thing in my parents' generation. Maybe your DP's hypochrondria is a passive-aggressive reaction to something in his upbringing.

Good luck, OP, and do demand that he see a GP and perhaps an allergist; some of his ailments sound allergy-related. Coeliac disease, for example, can have very weird inflammatory effects.

I would give him an ultimatum. He has to tell his GP he feels ill all the time, get any test the doctor offers, and if real illness is ruled out, ask to see a psychiatrist. There could be a genuine reason for his symptoms. But if he won’t seek treatment, I would give up on him.

He does sound like he has health anxiety. For whatever reason that maybe, the only thing that will help is going to the gp.

My exh was like this but not as extreme. Only ever did it when his family were visiting (which was very regularly). I was always joint or muscle pain. He'd start pulling at his leg or arm or arching his back huffing and puffing. Always when the conversation wasn't about him or something he wanted to talk about. It was attention seeking.

One day his SIL called him out on it. His other SIL spotted him pulling at his shoulder and huffing and asked what was wrong (after years of this we all knew to ignore!) so first SIL just bluntly said 'nothing, he does it for attention....we're not talking about him!'. It didn't stop him but we all had a good laugh and other SIL knew not to mention it again. It really does get boring!

Leave before it becomes munchausen by proxy.

I think attention seeking is a bit of an unfair term. He may not deliberately be looking for attention in a manipulative way. Rather, as the OP said, he needs reassurance and comfort in a psychological way.

@Honeybeexo

Go to a doctor, we can’t diagnose you on here

I'm not sure that objecting to a malingering, whiny partner is actually a diagnosable medical condition.

Don't shackle yourself to that. My friend ended up with a useless bloke like this, 2 kids later she's ended up taking on his thousands of £ worth of debt as he ended up unemployed so many times and just sponged off her. It started off like yours, moans and whinges every fecking moment, and escalated to the point where he's not worked in years because "bad back" or whatever new thing he makes up, she has broken up with him, so the fucker declared bankruptcy so he doesn't have to pay her back. Now she's trying to escape him but obvs is forever tangled with him due to the kids, and regrets not seeing the red flags sooner. It sounds miserable. Run!

I couldn't deal with this. Does he use it as an excuse not to chip in with housework and stuff he doesn't want to do?