Think my dp has munchausen can’t take it anymore!

[Ginger89]

At first I thought he was a hyperchondriac but he doesn’t have anxiety or worry over illness he just complains atleast 5 times a day minimum of some ailment. Been together nearly 4 years and it’s got to the point that the thought of spending the rest of my life with him depresses me. I don’t know what to do anymore has anyone ever expierienced this? I know there is worse problems in the world right now but it’s so unbearable sometimes I stay out all day or try and stay over at friends houses because I can’t be arsed coming home to listen to how sick he feels or watch him lie there with a hot water bottle but then if his friends ring him he will spring right up to the pub! Not that bloody sick. It’s not just me either his friends know him to complain constantly of a headache, stomach pains just fucking anything really.

It very much seems like a psychological issue.

If this wasn't a factor in the relationship would you want to stay with him?

If so, then you need to have the discussion with him that this isn't normal and either he seeks help for this or that you are going to walk away for your own sanity.

Have you mentioned it to his family was he like this as a child? It would piss me off, I don't like it when my husband gets ill for real because life stops and he's a complete arse hole when he's ill and we almost always split up when he's ill

You can end a relationship for any reason. It could be you don't like how he laughs or the way he eats a boiled egg! You don't need our permission. Why are so many women conditioned to put their own wants and needs last, otherwise they're a heartless bitch? He may be a nice guy, but he's not "the one" is he?

Would the ultimatum of counselling & or blood tests at the gp or It’s over be fair enough here or would that make me a horrible bitch

But it’s been years, I suspect it’s really too late for an ultimatum. It will destroy another year or more of your life while you try to work out whether he’s sticking to his side of it, while you make yet more allowances for it. While your second guess yourself and wonder if he’s really trying or if this time he really is sick. He knows and has known for years that you hate it, he knows that it drives you to tears, yet from what you say he seems to have done nothing to try to change the impact on you, has refused to take any responsibility for the impact of his behaviour on you - that, all by itself, tells you a lot really doesn’t it? Leaving him now wouldn’t make you a botch, Giving him an ultimatum certainly wouldn’t. I don’t know if an ultimatum is worth it but, if you go that route, please put a time limit on it. You could lose another 4 years of your life listening to him moan while he works the different systems seeking validation. Telling you he’s seen the doctor and he’s getting referred for one thing and then another.

I couldn't bear this. My boyfriend is pretty prone to having a whinge about being tired or having the sniffles, I ignore it. Yours sound 1000 times worse. Imagine how bad he'll get if you have kids?

It does sound like he is doing it to hurt or control you in some way, otherwise why do it?

OP you have my full sympathy and there is NO way I could remain with him. This was my entire childhood so I know first-hand what it's like as my adoptive mother had Munchausens and adoptive father M-by proxy.

Not sure about GP's these days but AM had test after test, even surgery, for her ailments but funnily enough 'nothing' was ever found. Of course, medical testing is more advanced these days so I wouldn't expect any GP/Surgeon to do a surgical procedure without some kind of proof, but I've spoken to various GP's over the years and can tell by their expression they have agreed with me, even though it's unethical for them to comment.

My first childhood memories she was on her deathbed with only hours to live....strangely enough she lived to be 85yo and outlived all her family. Lost count of the number of times I received a call to say 'get her quickly, she won't live much longer' but miraculously she pulled through only to repeat this process again a couple of months later.

Call me heartless but I gave up rushing to be there as I knew the script, there is only so much you can take and by now my own young family was more important than driving almost 9 hrs to yet another 'false alarm'.

For a long while I used to think maybe this time she 'is' sick specially if she had just had another major surgery....but she had the doctors fooled too.

and you'll need them both!

Your post about your boyfriend doesn't read like he has Munchausen or hypochondria. Both, if classic, will spend all their days whingeing in A and E or whining at their GPs.

Life is too short to put up with this nonsense. You need to give your boyfriend an ultimatum.

I don't think it's munchausens. I think it's a miserable hypochondriac.

You say you've confronted him? But how? How did you phrase it?

Why don't you sit him down and literally tell him what you've said here:

The migraine, sore chest, bad stomach complaints every single day are ridiculous. And you didn't go for the blood tests. Worse still if someone phones you jump up and go to the pub. So it's not that bad. And all your other friends notice. I've had enough!

I don't think that ultimatum is enough! Either he pays for a full private health check, in depth- leaving no doubt he is well AND goes to counselling or you go.

You can't live like this!

This is a form of OCD I imagine.

I would get him a full set of bloods and a through physical examination. Private if need be. If he's clear - leave. You have given him plenty of chances to go to the GP to get himself well (like we all do when we don't feel great but not bad enough to go to the GP). You can leave knowing it is Munchausens syndrome then and know fine well that he will never stop doing this. His DMum probably made a fuss of him when he had belly ache as a kid and it's stuck.

I would be gone. You have a been a saint already. Especially in light of the fact that he can zoom up off the sofa and go out with his mates.

Any 'dressing gown of doom' stuff does not go down well with normal women because they tend to do 50% more than men anyway as regards house stuff and mental load.

Why are you with him ?
Be honest , if its co dependency, financial reasons , custody of children etc work on getting it all sorted so you can leave/ ask him to leave.
It's a no brainer.

@Ginger89
If he truly had a migraine, he would be absolutely NOT leaping off to the pub!
It must be incredibly irritating.

Also, surely, IF he was that bad, he'd be desperate for getting it checked out.

I wonder if his mum, or whoever raised him fussed and coochie cooed over every little perceived ailment, and he learned to retreat into illness- real or imagined.

It would drive most people dotty living with imagined symptoms...Doing a ''Dying Poet'' act on the Sopha with a hot water bottle, then leaping up like Lazarus to go to the pub?

Very irritating.

I wouldn’t tolerate this either Op.
You could play along with him:

Him : My leg hurts
You : hmm sounds like a bone tumour
Him: I have chest pains
You: Probably a heart attack
Him : I have a head ache
You: I reckon it’s meningitis

Seriously though, just call it a day ( doesn’t sound like he’s long for this world anyway)

@WindyRose.. That sounds utterly hellish. Poor you. And so true...The squeaky wheel lasts longest..

Tell him straight, he either seeks medical advice regarding his 'illness' or he shuts the fuck up. You don't want to hear about it anymore.

Do these mysterious ailments prevent him from doing his fair share of the housework by any chance OP? Do they flare up and get worse on days which are special to you therefore ensuring that day gets ruined? Do they prevent him from working full time meaning you have to pay for everything? Do they get worse if you are planning to go out by yourself or have a life beyond him, meaning you feel guilty for going out?

He might have a psychiatric problem that makes him fake an illness. He might have a psychiatric condition that makes him genuinely believe he's ill. He might actually be ill. Or he might be an abusive asshole using his pretend symptoms to control you and grind you down. Personally I wouldn't be waiting to find out which, 4 years is enough. Let him get his blood tests and his counselling on his own time. There are lots of good loving loyal whatever else men out there who aren't also full of shit and pretending to be ill even when it has you in tears. You don't have to fix this one just because he has a few good qualities, you can find one with the same good qualities who doesn't need fixing.

And as for asking "is this a good enough reason to leave?" if I never hear this phrase again in my life it'll be too soon. You don't need a good enough reason. You don't need ANY reason. If you want to break up with him over this you can, no permission needed. If you want to break up with him because you don't like the way he chews his food you can. If he's 100% perfect and never sets a foot wrong but you want to break up with him because you'd just prefer to be single, you can. You don't need a reason to end a relationship, and you certainly don't need a "good enough" reason!

Does he have generalised anxiety by any chance, does he have anxiety in any other area of his life ?

oakleaffy Thanks. It was a horrible childhood as there was a whole lot of other 'stuff' going on as well.

I feel for you. My Partner has health anxiety which I do struggle with at times, my patience isn't good especially having been seriously ill myself (life support stuff). However it's a concern that small things are 'more' than than they are, rather than making stuff up. I don't think I could live with that long term.

What does he get out of it? What triggers the behaviour?

It's your life Op, do what you want to do.

A number of posters have asked if he has a job. Does he have a job?

I think I would be inclined to answer, every time he complains "either do something about it or stop complaining. I'm all out of sympathy for you because you refuse to do something about your aches and pains"

When I am badly depressed I do get chest pains, migraines, stomach problems and aches and pains every day but I absolutely do not jump up and go out with my mates when I feel like that because I am genuinely feeling rubbish. If it were a genuine illness then he wouldn't be able to switch it off when convenient for him, if it were hypochondria then he would be down the hospital and doctors regularly insisting on all sorts of tests/medications because he would genuinely believe that he had different ailments and if it were munchausens he would be a hell of a lot more convincing it is amazing what lengths sufferers will go to. I think your partner is just attention seeking and wants to be the centre of attention at all times.

OP, you can leave a relationship for any reason you want. However, if you aren’t quite ready to leave then why not keep a diary for a week or two of all his complaints? At the end of the period present it to him and ask him what is going on. With the he evidence in front of him he can hardly deny his moaning and complaining.

You can force the issue and see where it goes if you want one last stab at this relationship but otherwise you’d be extremely justified in ending things.

OP has answered the job thing already.