Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating in your 40s

966 replies

StarlightSparkle · 13/08/2020 22:45

I have recently entered the world of online dating and am finding it so, so grim! I’ve tried a couple of different sites and on one I’ve had quite a few matches but they rarely message me. Granted, I could message them, but surely if a man was interested they would send you a message?

When I do get a response the conversation seems to dry up pretty quickly - I ask them about themselves and get one word answers and no follow up questions. How the hell are you supposed to continue with a conversation if that is all you have to work with?! If I can’t even get someone to chat, I have no chance of going on an actual date!

I guess most men are looking at profiles of women in their 20s and 30s and maybe think I’m too old but I look quite young for my age!

Has anyone got any tips/ advice? Am I doing something wrong? I’m divorced and have my kids most of the time so it would be hard for me to meet a man any other way but this just seems impossible!

OP posts:
Isitreally77 · 29/10/2020 13:47

Since Mr Computer Geek told me his situation and we decided to not go there but to still keep chatting it has been quite nice to chat to him. I think we are going to meet but not with any expectation of a relationship or sex just to have a chat and coffee as we really seemed to hit it off. I talk to him now like I do with my male friends, looks like I friend zoned him. If only it had been different.

Now I'm chatting to a guy that is like a mini version of my gym instructor(who i massively fancy). Not sure on this one though the chat is very stilted not like it was with Mr Computer Geek.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 29/10/2020 14:05

@Isitreally77 a mini version? how tall is he? Is there no chance of anything developing with Mr Geek? Sometimes being mates is the best thing and then everything flows naturally, rather than you both trying to force something, which can make the whole thing stressful!
Im talking to a guy now (well got as far as 2 messages!) hes a semi pro magician :) lets call him Mr Magic....hope he isnt like Geoff out of corrie! :(

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 15:43

I've been a lurker on this thread but first time posting. I would be grateful for any words of wisdom as none of my RL friends have had to deal with OLD in their 40's.

I've met a man on line (had a few dates but nothing after date 2 for various reasons - a conspiracy theorist, a cocaine problem, too needy, too young - not the same man!) who seems lovely. We've been messaging and then talking for a couple of months and all going well but we can't see each other as he's working abroad until next week.

We message all day and speak on the phone every evening and plan to meet up as soon as we can.

It transpires last night that he is very wealthy, no clue in his profile or from our previous conversations - we just did one of those questions and answers sessions last night (favourite food, music etc). Turns out he owns outright a house in central London and two very expensive cars - I've googled and together they would be worth well over a million £. I obviously connected with him before I knew this and am in no way a gold digger, having always been financially independent.

My problem is that I've never been in this situation before and I don't know how to deal with it. I've recently (since 'meeting' him) been made redundant so income is very low and I'm struggling to find a job.

My exH was well paid and I've always worked, he earned far more than me by the time we split but when we first met I was the higher earner so it was equal and we were married with shared finances. Same with my exP, as I had a decent salary so I could always pay for myself, and did.

So, I don't know what to do as this current guy, although his hobbies are walking, music, cooking (e.g. Not expensive and the same as mine) he obviously has a lot of money and I feel a bit embarrassed about my current situation. I've been honest with him. I have a modest flat owned outright (got made redundant during divorce to couldn't get a mortgage and had to move away to the outskirts of London to buy a small place outright). So he knows my financial situation and just said 'it will be ok, don't worry'

I'm just thinking, should I not pursue this otherwise seemingly lovely connection or give it a go and hope that I'll get another job soon? I don't want him to think I'm after his money, I'm so not but being unable to be financial indecent at the moment makes me feel inadequate.

We are both late 40s with no dependent children.

Any views, advice would be appreciated as we are due to meet as soon as he's out of quarantine.

I know he is genuine as sends me photos daily of the project he's working on and I've seen photos of the work contract which is worth 4million!

He seems so lovely and I've definitely fallen for him as much and I could without physically meeting but we have do much in common hobby wise, political views, films, music, expectations from a relationship, food choices, holiday choices etc

OutingMyself · 29/10/2020 16:02

I don't think you need think anything of it at this point if you've not met yet. I'd definitely be a bit wary that he sending you those kind of pictures too.

-----

Thanks for the well wishes! I'll let you know how it goes

IndieTara · 29/10/2020 16:10

During lockdown I changed my profile tag line to 'At least none of you can stand me up now'

Angelofdeath · 29/10/2020 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 29/10/2020 16:14

Hi @timetochangeagainforever, I first read your post and thought you were seeing a lovely man, who wasn't who he said he was with a coke habbit who was too young and needy lol!
If your rich man has any friends can you send them my way please :)
I wouldnt let the money thing worry you, you sound as though you are an independent woman with morals. You didn't strike up this friendship/relationship because you knew he had money, you say yourself, you have a lot in common and that is what has attracted you to him. As for the job situation, its hard for a lot of people at the moment, and being made redundant was not your fault, and Im sure he realizes that. Its not as if you are sat on your bum all day refusing to work, that would be a different story all together.
Enjoy it for what it is, and take things slow, finances shouldn't come into a relationship straight away anyway, and as you say, you have a lot of interests that dont cost money....go for it, and enjoy yourself :)

pineappleonpizzaornot · 29/10/2020 16:17

Oh god...am I totally naive :(

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 16:28

Thank you all for your responses. Ah ha he's just messaged me - 3hrscahead.

sugarlost · 29/10/2020 16:36

@timetochangeagainforever there are alot of romance scammers online. I would be weary of revealing your financial status to anyone you do not trust such as close family and friends.
Whatever you do do not loan this money if he asks, don't let him use your bank account if he says his is frozen. Do not let him see any ID you have.
It's all bullshit until it real. I remember this one lady on TV met a guy in real life who advised he was very successful, had documents etc it was bull(took her to fancy places, had the car,was living in a fancy property...she was conned out of over 800K including her house! He was a serial fraudster.

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 16:37

Sorry didn't mean to post!

He's just messaged me, all good. We will phone chat later.

I want to give it a go but just feel insuperior if you know what I mean. It's such a difference and obv I can't afford to go to swanky places right now; having said that, he doesn't mention a liking to those sorts of places. I told him that when I'm abroad I'd rather eat in local places with local people rather than a sterile 5star hotel (but occasionally i could live with it!)

I just bloody hope I get a job soon and can be financially independent again. I've been truthful throughout and told him I'm selling my car as I need to etc. I don't want, and would not accept any hand outs but I would rather go into a relationship where I can pay my own way as I've always done.

Maybe we can just walk and talk and cook/eat indoors (and have amazing sex) until I miraculously get a job?!

OutingMyself · 29/10/2020 16:40

There really is a very good chance it's all nonsense though. What context is he sending all his financial information to you in? It sounds very suspicious.

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 16:41

Thanks Angel.

He sends me photos every day whilst he's working so I don't feel the need to think he's lying, but my guard is up!

It's probably me more than him, not ever having been with someone wealthy but, as I've said, I can suggest things to do that don't cost money!

sugarlost · 29/10/2020 16:43

@timetochangeagainforever Just be cautious as we ladies have to protect our heart and finances!

@Angelofdeath about the stripping requests these man will say anything to flatter us and get some sexual excitement...they also think they can get free webcam girls lol.
I'm starting to think I don't even want to meet anyone in reality as it's not happening. May have to settle for texts for company if I can get that. Locked out of one of my apps so things are looking up as always with OLDGrin

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 16:48

Outingmyself - sorry I don't know how to tag

The photos are of him working on site and when he goes for a walk of an evening, every day/eve.

I do have my guard up, looking for the red flags but it seems genuine.
I've obv no idea if the house and cars thing is true but I guess time will tell? I don't get why someone would lie but I'm new to this OLD and probably a bit naive.

He sent me a photo of the work contract as I questioned why he was aboard for so long.

He's a widow (eek, should that be a concern) so I'm thinking maybe he got money from his late wife's life insurance which is why he's accumulated so much?

sugarlost · 29/10/2020 16:57

@timetochangeagainforever it sounds so suspect. Taking the pictures, showing you work contract, widow... classic signs for scammers but I could be wrong.
I would suggest you watch 'For Love or Money' on BBC iPlayer... it's an eye opener about these type of scammers....they lie to get money!

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 16:59

Sugar (please tell me how to tag)

I would no way get lend money to someone who is essentially a stranger - not that I have any to lend ATM anyway. The issue us him seemingly having so much more than me. I'm not materialistic at all but it's just feels a bit 'princess-y' going into a relationship when i know, as I've only just found out, that he is obviously wealthy and I am so not! I'm fortunate in that I own my modest flat outright but apart from that, I have little - a 16 yr old car that I'll probably sell as I'm skint, when his cars, I've googled because I'm nosey and bored, are, if they do actually exist, worth around 80k plus.

It's just unknown territory and I don't want to be paid for.....

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 17:04

Thanks again Sugar and I appreciate your advice but I am skint so there's no way I could lend anyone any money even if I wanted to! The pot is empty unfortunately.... bless my daughter (21) said to me last night that she didn't want me to buy her anything for Christmas as she knows how skint I am, that touched me as my kids have always had whatever they wanted...but not this year sadly, but lovely to know that she understands my situation

Angelofdeath · 29/10/2020 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angelofdeath · 29/10/2020 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Msyoganidra32 · 29/10/2020 17:12

@timetochangeagainforever
Been reading and had to post. What struck me was the constant messaging all day and calls all the time it sounds very invested early on . Advise you to be weary and not commit too much information until you have actually met which could be a while . Why is he abroad ? As others say it could be genuine or it could be made up. Just try to keep your guard , maybe message others until you have physically met.

sugarlost · 29/10/2020 17:12

@timetochangeagainforever
Go to the website tineye.com and upload his pictures to see if he's found on the internet... you may get a result.

Even if you have no money they can use your ID for other criminal activity or they may ask you to take out a loan for them. My friend recommended the BBC iPlayer series and I learnt alot about romances scams from it.

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 17:13

Pineapple - thank you for your encouragement

I think I'll just suggest dates that don't cost a lot of money, until I've got a job. He didn't come across as being wealthy at all until we did this questioning thing last night. No bragging, no ponsey car photos on profile, no suggestion of wealth. He seems very humble if anything.

It's me just not being comfortable being in a position where I can't pay for myself, in a fancy restaurant for instance, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when (if) I come to it.

We've both come off the app at his suggestion and my agreement (can't be doing messaging lots of men, I forget what I've said to whom) I'm so new to all this, I'm treading water.

Msyoganidra32 · 29/10/2020 17:14

@timetochangeagainforever
Also how long has he been widowed ? That has a bearing too

timetochangeagainforever · 29/10/2020 17:14

Sugar thank you. I'll do that, he has given me his full name. I checked FB but he doesn't have an account